Thought has been crossing my mind of informing W I am considering divorce.
There is absolutely nothing in your previous hundreds of posts that shows you are ready to divorce. So this tell me you are trying to manipulate her back to the marriage. How about starting with some rock solid (pun intended) boundaries? I also noticed in your posts you may be starting to become codependent with your daughter. Maybe something to explore in IC. To master the process you eventually need to be able to sit still with your feelings and be ok with it.
Rock you’re doing great in so many areas but still room for improvement. We are all a work in progress.
Ayup....
If you have to "think" about it....you ain't
I also agree about the co-dependency...
Are you simply trying to replace the activities that you WANT to be doing with your spouse, with your daughter ???
Don't get so caught up in GAL that you push the deeper things into a corner and forget to deal with them.....
Cause those b@stards will show up like a Fly at a picnic in your next relationship....
Rock, pay attention here.
It's more than being co-dependent on your daughter.
It's also parentifying her.
Turning her into your partner rather than your child.
When parentification happens, it's either conscious or unconscious on the part of the perp/parent. Regardless of which it is, it is still extremely harmful to the child(ren) .....
How do you make sure you don't do that?
* Awareness
* Ruthless self-assessment
* Holding strict boundaries
A daily checklist to journal at bedtime (because writing things out solidifies them):
1. How aware was I in my interactions with others, not to be co-dependent, not to parentify my children?
2. How honest was I with myself today? What are some examples of my honesty? What are some examples of where I needed to be more honest?
3. Where did I hold strict boundaries? What was the result?
4. Where were my boundaries too fluid? What was the result?
Last edited by bttrfly; 03/30/2311:44 AM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Just drop the expectations that your IC is solely responsible for "fixing" you....
Fixing you, is totally up to you, and you alone....
And it's never a bad time to do the work.....
Too very true. Some people spend years in IC simply spewing BS and never looking inwards to do the real work.
Don't be one of those people.
So true with my mom. She went 7 years with her IC on her last stint. Kept telling us children she is better now. None of us saw the changes. She never got healthier. It is like she went, listened to what the IC said which made her happy temporarily, and never fix herself. Now she is in her later years seeing me get better and expressing a lot of guilt. Yesterday she told me she has an appointment with her IC and bought the self esteem book I’m reading. Never too late.
Life is about you and only you. You’re courageous just for getting on here. For GAL. The next step is you.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Just drop the expectations that your IC is solely responsible for "fixing" you....
Fixing you, is totally up to you, and you alone....
And it's never a bad time to do the work.....
Too very true. Some people spend years in IC simply spewing BS and never looking inwards to do the real work.
Don't be one of those people.
So true with my mom. She went 7 years with her IC on her last stint. Kept telling us children she is better now. None of us saw the changes. She never got healthier. It is like she went, listened to what the IC said which made her happy temporarily, and never fix herself. Now she is in her later years seeing me get better and expressing a lot of guilt. Yesterday she told me she has an appointment with her IC and bought the self esteem book I’m reading. Never too late.
Life is about you and only you. You’re courageous just for getting on here. For GAL. The next step is you.
Ayep....
IF they "fix" you, who is paying their bills ???
If they keep you "broken" , that's job security for them...
Originally Posted by Rock
Ok here’s indication of growth and progress for me:
When all this went down and even before I would get stressed preparing meals, trying to get everything ready, delicious and presentable at the same time. I just finished making dinner (it’s really good chicken, rice and veggies) and I took 3 wheelbarrow loads of soil into the back yard while it was cooking.
I guess I'm missing the point here....
Could you only do 2 loads of soil before ?
Only cook the rice and veggies before (and not the chicken) ???
Maybe I need new batteries in my super secret Rock de-coder pen....
I have been reflecting and journaling on these ideas. Also working on in IC. Doing work for myself on boundaries. Have Dr Cloud’s book and another one from Nedra Tawwab with a workbook as well.
Working on boundaries is very important for me with healthy step moving forward. My eyes are opened to codependency and I am guarding against it and making changes in how I am responsible for myself. D is also going to IC and has a strong, fun and loving social network and a great BF. I am careful not to parentify her.
D has also talked with me about her boundaries. She told me that she is working on healthy boundaries in her R with her mom (W) and mom’s family. And she has thanked me for respecting her boundaries and giving her space to be herself.
Enjoyed bible study with a small home group connected with church last night. Good community for me without my family members. Others present know some of my family (they all know D and have met W, and some know special needs S). I had a good experience and contributed to the group appropriately. Content was very meaningful for me and all I’m going through. I didn’t bring up to the group anything about W or our R (I have other more appropriate outlets/close friends for that) but I was honest and genuine in other ways.
Right ok, I was making dinner and I have been working on the garden. While everything was cooking, I realized I was not stressed about the dinner - it was all coming together and I had time to do some more of my yard work for 15 minutes. So it was a feeling of competence and confidence that showed me I am growing and being strong on my own.
I did all of this for me. D had said she wasn’t going to be around for dinner. I took note that I wanted to make myself a good meal and I did it well, made progress with the garden and also followed through on going out to bible study. Not long ago, before DB, I was in shock, in fight and flight and couldn’t concentrate on making such a good meal, didn’t have appetite, wasn’t able to do things in such a peaceful, joyful way (going on adrenaline and cortisol) and would have chosen not to go out for a social/spiritual pursuit.
I have been reflecting and journaling on these ideas. Also working on in IC. Doing work for myself on boundaries. Have Dr Cloud’s book and another one from Nedra Tawwab with a workbook as well.
Working on boundaries is very important for me with healthy step moving forward. My eyes are opened to codependency and I am guarding against it and making changes in how I am responsible for myself. D is also going to IC and has a strong, fun and loving social network and a great BF. I am careful not to parentify her.
D has also talked with me about her boundaries. She told me that she is working on healthy boundaries in her R with her mom (W) and mom’s family. And she has thanked me for respecting her boundaries and giving her space to be herself.
Enjoyed bible study with a small home group connected with church last night. Good community for me without my family members. Others present know some of my family (they all know D and have met W, and some know special needs S). I had a good experience and contributed to the group appropriately. Content was very meaningful for me and all I’m going through. I didn’t bring up to the group anything about W or our R (I have other more appropriate outlets/close friends for that) but I was honest and genuine in other ways.
This is a fluff loaded response. it’s not your responsibility to make us feel like you have everything under control. Instead, take some time to respond if you are feeling attacked. Pause, get in a conscious mindset where you’re calm where you can dig deep and see how forum advice and can apply to you. Then come back if you want with concrete measurable information. it’s going to help you make yourself better.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Right ok, I was making dinner and I have been working on the garden. While everything was cooking, I realized I was not stressed about the dinner - it was all coming together and I had time to do some more of my yard work for 15 minutes. So it was a feeling of competence and confidence that showed me I am growing and being strong on my own.
I did all of this for me. D had said she wasn’t going to be around for dinner. I took note that I wanted to make myself a good meal and I did it well, made progress with the garden and also followed through on going out to bible study. Not long ago, before DB, I was in shock, in fight and flight and couldn’t concentrate on making such a good meal, didn’t have appetite, wasn’t able to do things in such a peaceful, joyful way (going on adrenaline and cortisol) and would have chosen not to go out for a social/spiritual pursuit.
This shows development to me. Really no fluff here. There is concrete times in your life where you were not able to do something and now you can. You let us know it was just for. No one else around. Good for you. Great job hard work is paying off. I made myself a good meal the night my W moved out. She didn’t like pork chops and I did. So guess what I cooked with potatoes basic cream gravy, corn and a cream soda. Boy was that good. I was in a good place that night. Better than I was in a long time because I was happy to be by myself.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/31/2303:21 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
I hadn't noticed if anyone was on the attack - certainly didn’t feel that way to me. I’m appreciative of everyone’s thoughtful input and will speak up if something doesn’t make sense to me.
My growth, healing and positive change are important to me - if not easy.
