I saw a text from OW to H, and the jist of it was asking him to move in with her so that she no longer has to live in her crummy apartment. I did not see his response... Yet. I'm disgusted, obviously she knows my husband is a hard worker and makes decent money and she's trying to snatch a better life for herself.
So I was upset. I didn't tell him what I saw, but I was angry and let him know I was angry. I told him there are two parts of me, and I feel insane because they're both equally strong. One part loves him and the other hates him. One part wants to literally run away and never see him again and the other wants only him. I told him his behavior is disgusting.
He was angry that I called him out and brought this up, obviously. But he ended up telling me that he's scared that my changes aren't permanent, and that divorce is the very last thing he wants but he wants to be sure things won't go back to the same old way. He held me while I cried and told me he loves me, unprompted.
So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.
I guess today is a new day for detaching.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.
The answer is yes.
Rejoice, it's simple.. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the stability you are providing and the extra curricular activities she is.
We've seen a lot of these situations. The truth is that he will continue cake eating as long as you allow him to. Sadly, these situations do not usually turnaround until the LBW decides enough is enough and decides she no longer wants to be married to a lying cheater. (By the way, trying to pretend to not want him won't work. Many LBSs have tried that manipulation tactic and it almost always backfires.)
Rejoice, I highly suggest looking up the threads of Kitkat. She was a lesson in exactly what not to do in this kind of situation. You can learn here two ways, by reading how to handle and how not to handle things.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I saw a text from OW to H, and the jist of it was asking him to move in with her so that she no longer has to live in her crummy apartment. I did not see his response... Yet. I'm disgusted, obviously she knows my husband is a hard worker and makes decent money and she's trying to snatch a better life for herself.
So I was upset. I didn't tell him what I saw, but I was angry and let him know I was angry. I told him there are two parts of me, and I feel insane because they're both equally strong. One part loves him and the other hates him. One part wants to literally run away and never see him again and the other wants only him. I told him his behavior is disgusting.
He was angry that I called him out and brought this up, obviously. But he ended up telling me that he's scared that my changes aren't permanent, and that divorce is the very last thing he wants but he wants to be sure things won't go back to the same old way. He held me while I cried and told me he loves me, unprompted.
So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.
I guess today is a new day for detaching.
Go re-read my last post to you.
Is he monkey-branching with you both? Maybe, but sounds like she's in pursuit. Don't you do the same.
This is the second time you've posted that he's afraid your changes are not permanent. Please pay attention to this!!!
This is an opportunity for you to ask him how serious he is about wanting to be sure things don't go back to the same old way. It's an opportunity for the two of you to discuss what exactly he means by that.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets here because they were the perfect spouse and their ex went off the deep end. We sometimes like to blame the ex and cling to the excuse of MLC, tough childhood, they 'changed' or whatever. And that's truly understandable if our spouses are behaving reprehensibly, but to stop there is to know only half the truth.
Yes, my exh was MLC. Guess what? I wasn't perfect. I know exactly what I did that put him over the edge. It wasn't intentional, but I have to own my part. Anything less is being dishonest to my marriage and more importantly myself.
SO, OWN your part. If you want to, CHANGE the things that you want to change. Become a better version of yourself, FOR yourself.
Look Rejoice, you've done enough work to have actually gotten your husband's attention. That says a lot.
Keep the focus on yourself. Keep doing the deep work so the changes become permanent. It could save your marriage.
It may not. Be prepared for that.
But do it for yourself, first and foremost, and trust that you will be in the relationship you're supposed to be in, with the person meant for you, when the timing is right.
Maybe with your husband.
Maybe with someone you have yet to meet sometime down the road.
I'm hoping with your husband. What are the changes he has to make as well? Is he open to MC, with a pro-marriage counselor or Retrouvaille? (Probably too early to ask that question, but keep that in mind also).
and Happy Easter xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Please re-read bttrfly's postings as many times as you can. What she has posted is very, very spot on.
Any changes that you make must become permanent. You will know if the changes are the right ones for you. As for your h not thinking that the changes are permanent...don't worry about that. You are the only one that will know deep in your heart that the changes are permanent. Those changes are for you, not your h.
Always remember that actions speak louder than words. If you stumble along the way, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. None of us are perfect in this world. We all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes every day.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can relate to this in my sich and will reread BF’s post. rejoice, I believe her input to be important for you to read reread and digest. W made it clear to me shortly after BD that she is dead serious about not going back to how things were. And I for one do not want to go back to that and also don’t want this.
It is taking a profound reworking of my instincts and behaviors. Just lately there has been a noticeable shift in that W has been more reflective and bringing up ways she checked out of the M. And she has been saying she notices my changes and how I’m taking care of everything that needs to be. She has also been telling me more of her ideas for me to continue on my best path.
And also lately she was more humble as she explained to me things so never knew about her dreams and hopes for our M. It seems to me we are more clearly separated and apart by definition. Now as I have been detaching more. And she has changed her language. Also she just spent time with our original Pastor and sounds like she is planning g to have counseling from him.
In my sich, I believe it is time for me to go further in my work on and for me and give W as much space as I possibly can.
And BF, I have been following your advice and leaving my communication with W to only special needs S and not our other kids.
I had fallen back into letting my feelings get the best of me when my focus must be to get better.
I know I'm an entirely new person. It was legitimately a miracle for me. I understand very clearly the ways I was difficult to live with and I know he's seeing that I'm different, he just needs time to trust it. But even if he doesn't ever, at least I'm a better human now and a thousand times more self aware.
Yesterday he voluntarily went to church with me. He is wearing his wedding band today. So there are small signs of hope.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
Would anyone be able to elaborate on Retrouvaille? I've heard the name but haven't followed that rabbit trail. Thanks all!
It is an intense marriage counseling boot camp. I believe it also is spiritual based (Catholic if I'm remembering right). Some have claimed it be very beneficial. There are other such programs through other avenues as well. If he is wearing his wedding ring again I agree that's a positive sign. But could also be a sign that things are breaking down with OW. And he could be on the look out for another OW. We have seen that before.
So keep working on yourself. We have a saying around here: When the WAS wants to come back, you will know. When they don't, you'll be confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wouldn't consider Retrouvaille until he has come back into the marriage. We have had a few attempt this program, but it ended in a negative way because the MLCer/crisis individual felt pressured to come back into the marriage and/or felt put upon to do the heavy work when they just weren't ready to do so.
You do not want to put pressure on him. He needs space and time to figure himself out. This is a program that may work once he's recommitted to the marriage and is willing to do the heavy work to make it work and show you through his actions that he is ready to be your spouse once again.
I would do some research on the program, but try to remember that many of them are willing to do to a couple of sessions at a therapist and they only hear what they want to hear and then find excuses not to go any longer.
Work on you! Right now, you are the most important person that needs to take care of herself. Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
