Started an affair a few weeks before that timing. Immediately found out. Lying, spewing, rewriting of history, wanting both of us, etc. until I kicked him out 09/2019. Came back 2 months later, totally broken. (way too soon)
Final break-up with OW1 02/2020.
Home from 02/2020 until 08/2020. Deep outward depression, first signs of acknowledgement that something is really wrong with him. Still shows a lot of running behavior such as drinking heavily.
Accepts new job abroad since 04/2020, working from home since COVID, asked him to leave for the other country in 08/2020 since behavior is extremely bad for myself and my 3 boys, all teenagers.
From 09/2020 until 12/2020 slightly showing improvement whilst abroad, new running behavior...working out (sports) to an extreme level.
As from 12/2020 clear set-back into tunnel, start of OW2 but denies it.
01/2021 to 11/2021: In January he informs me that OW1 passed away (suicide), also asked for divorce, I agree. Still lives abroad and has R with OW2, denies the R until 09/2021.
Clinging towards me and the boys remains present at all times.
10/2021 until 02/2022: Break-up with OW2 in November, returns home, starts doing some work on himself and suddenly set back in tunnel again.
02/2022: Goes back to OW2. I finally let go in full. divorce final.No contact anymore with me nor with the kids. House is for sale. I’m done.
06/2022: Rock-bottom has been reached abroad during a trip with a friend. As from that time slowly improving contact with family and kids.
09/2022: "Final" break-up with OW, turns out she is pregnant, still reconnecting, now with me as well.
Today: still reconnecting
Last edited by DnJ; 09/09/2302:16 PM. Reason: Change “-” to “to” so date string isn’t encoded as a hyperlink. Corrected links to previous threads.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
This is also someone who has shown through word, and much more importantly, deed that he is capable of behaviors that are pretty toxic. Maybe it's just me, but I would carry a hefty bag of healthy skepticism along for the ride on all dates, and try to be as detached as possible. Again, I would pay more attention to what he does rather than what he says. Look for consistency.
Respect for sharing your opinion. Thanks for that. I fully agree that he has been extremely toxic, in all meaning of this word. But as I stated, I can surprisingly be very detached.
Can he turn the other way around again? For sure, and definitely with the consequences for his actions over the past years which are all to the surface now and which he is dealing with. He is very much struggling with these. Admitting and also seeing with my own eyes he almost doesn't sleep, his appetite being reduced to a minimum, difficulties coming out of the bed in the morning etc.
Something however which is really very odd is that indeed his words didn’t align his actions these past years, he made a lot of promises but never did anything about it, now this is mostly aligned and when it is not, it’s strange enough the other way around. His actions are now always better than what he actually says.
I don’t know if this is normal but this is actually the case these past 2 months.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Most MLCers that I have talked to, have come back with HARD pursuit trying to get back their life, and I'm just not getting that sense from what you have typed. I see pieces of him pursuing, albeit very timidly and scared. That tells me that he wants it if it is easy for him. There has been an abundance of LBS that have gotten to this point and decided that their answers didn't involve the MLCer too. One of the reasons that we have always said that the LBS holds all of the power in the end.
Mach, you can certainly be right about this, but when you're in the middle of it you unfortunately don't always see this...therefore I need your help in understanding this better. I'm also not a native English speaking person so sometimes a bit more difficult in understanding everything in a correct way.
Indeed, I do not yet have the feeling that he is pushing very hard, but what should I see as pushing?
He does the utmost for his children, and also with me. He constantly puts me first for everything right now. Not always in words, but always in deeds. I can give many examples such as going to the store and always asking if I need anything else, making my favorite dishes, being very attentive, organizing the dates,... Is this what you mean by pushing?
Or is pushing for you wanting to be part of everything again, e.g. with family, friends etc… if you mean this, no, that is absolutely not the case. He now mainly wants to be alone with me, or with the children, the rest doesn't really matter I have the impression, apart from his grandmother, he goes there every week now. For the rest he is mainly at home and at work 2 days a week.
Why I wasn't really occupied with that is because I read a lot that when an MLC'er returns from the tunnel, it's with "a whisper of doubt", that you have to be very careful with them in that phase, but you tell me that they strive very hard. That's inconsistent and I'd like to know why. Can you explain this to me?
Furthermore, last Friday he said that he has caused damage that he cannot undo anymore in the last 5 to 6 years of his life and that he does not understand why he did this at all. He also told me that he was always convinced that he was the stronger of the 2 of us, and that I followed him in everything he did. But now he came to the conclusion that this was never the case and that I even got stronger and more consistent, how I'm in control and living my life the way I want to, that I'm now the person he's always wanted to be. Apparantly this is very shocking for him to have to face this.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/29/2302:59 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
I'm also not a native English speaking person so sometimes a bit more difficult in understanding everything in a correct way.
Indeed, I do not yet have the feeling that he is pushing very hard, but what should I see as pushing?
Pushing. Pursuing.
Pushing is moving something or someone out of your way.
Pursuing is going after something or someone; striving for it, working/doing to achieve it/them.
Pushing hard for something, pursuing hard - semantic differences. However, it’s the assertiveness that one displays, their driving force behind them, their motivation. That’s the pursuing hard.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Why I wasn't really occupied with that is because I read a lot that when an MLC'er returns from the tunnel, it's with "a whisper of doubt", that you have to be very careful with them in that phase, but you tell me that they strive very hard. That's inconsistent and I'd like to know why. Can you explain this to me?
They awaken with a whisper of doubt. Their rise up, is like how they descended into the abyss - slowly. Whispers upon whispers pointing out their life and choices. Eventually, if not ran from and ignored, those whispers become a chorus. For a MLCer fortunate enough to listen and hear that, they can find their path back.
Whisper of doubt displays a desire towards reconnection. Pursuing hard displays a desire towards reconciliation. Just further down the path, more or less.
When reconnecting, when the whispers are still doubts and questions, the MLCer is timid and very scared of judgement. Their path is still about them. It’s their judgement of self, well actually it’s their forgiveness of self. They are so very very scared of not being forgiven for the monstrous deeds they’ve done.
The LBS who is present in the MLCer’s life, can and does influence the way. Basically, the MLCer sees their betrayed spouse demonstrating acceptance and compassion towards them, things the MLCer feels they do not deserve. Such nonjudgemental actions lead to themselves believing in their own healing and worth.
The path of out of their darkness is twisted and difficult. And is possible.
When G first showed some signs of awakening, he easily ran back to his running stage. The further down his path he gets from awakening, the further it is to run back, and the less pull “running” has upon him.
Like before, there is little one do can speed this up. An LBS trying to get answers or hurry things along will certainly delay/derail the MLCer. Consider it took about two years from trigger to BD. It takes similar from awakening to acceptance. And then a settling in period to final acceptance, where the MLCer truly closes the door to their crisis.
Dig for patience.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Eagle, thanks for sharing and responding to me in your previous thread. It sounds like there are a lot of positives in the last couple of months. It also sounds like it must be difficult to see G dealing with the fall out of his actions, as you say he is unwell, feeling extremely guilty, and not eating or sleeping. Is he going to counseling or considering it?
I notice in your timeline that you say he hit "rock bottom" in 6/22 during a trip with his friends. How do you know that was rock bottom for him? Is that how G reported it?
Rollercoasterrider (1000 ships) Jack_3_Beans MyFavoriteWeirdo Faithful H Denver Crimson Yellowrose Ericmsant2 BrandNewDay Mr Bond Coach, (who's spouses name was Greek, who also posted here) Starsky309 / Chocolateeyes/PuppyDogTails (same guy) LaBug TenBusRider
I'm sure there are more that I can't think of. Many "touch and go" scenarios.
Caliguy Lostforwords
Originally Posted by Eagle
He does the utmost for his children, and also with me. He constantly puts me first for everything right now. Not always in words, but always in deeds. I can give many examples such as going to the store and always asking if I need anything else, making my favorite dishes, being very attentive, organizing the dates,... Is this what you mean by pushing?
Typically, they come back in the order that they left.
Honestly though ?
I don't see him at that point yet where he is committed to anything other than himself. I think he is trying to put some salve on some old wounds, and is still very much about him.
Now that might be guilt, it might be fear, it might be that he has nowhere else to turn right now and he knows that you are a nice fluffy landing spot for him. And that through everything else, he never really lost you. And since you had been flirting with dating, the chance of losing you made him poke his head out and make sure that he hasn't lost you.
The only thing I have to go by are his actions that you are telling us.
My instinct is that if you are putting your life on hold for "now" with him, I don't sense that he is ready for that.
To me it reads more like he is trying for a connection without the accountability of responsibility. To make sure that you are right where he left you. That there has been soooo much damage done, and you have flipped status quo and become the safe spot for him , even though he ran from you before.
If he is pursuing, it's a pretty soft attempt at it. Like he isn't completely sure, and that typically isn't good for long-term and is the main ingredient in a "touch and go".
So my question would be with that, where does HE feel that the majority of the damage has occurred ?
I could very well be wrong with it, yet that is my first instinct....
I don't want to offer any perspective, just a hug, and support for your desire to keep your heart open.
None of us can predict what your H will do now or in the future.
I think you have been through enough that you could ask yourself this:
Would I be okay with everything that is happening in this moment if I knew H was going to leave again, and this was a false start?
The answer to that could be a guide for you for your own choices.
What you are undertaking is as impossible as surviving the MLC in the first place. You did that, and now what you are doing may end with redemption or be a false start. All you can do is decide what you want to do given that uncertainty moment by moment.
You are an amazing person, that much is clear. And I mean that on a deeper soul level and also just because you seem like someone who would be great to have as a neighbor-friend. You are funny and kind and fun and open-hearted. Gros bisous!
Last edited by Gerda; 02/12/2303:27 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
