forgiving someone for breaking their vows, destroying the family, etc.
that's a long-haul goal.
What's your short term reality?
While it's nice to let her figure out what she wants, it's pretty much irrelevant.
I'm going to say it again: What she wants is irrelevant.
Half the time these people don't have a CLUE what they want, or change on a dime anyway, so why waste precious time focusing on a moving target?
The best thing a LBS can do for themselves is to take the time to figure out who they are, separate from the marriage and the family.
Rock, who are YOU, as a man?
Rock, what are your core values? Your ride or die values ... basically, if you could only use 5 traits to describe yourself, what would those words be?
Now: How are you living those words?
What do you really want Rock, in your life, separate from family/marriage?
do you want peace?
do you want health?
do you want financial security?
do you want to be of service to others?
is it some combination of the above or something else entirely?
Can you envision the life you want, embodying the core values you've taken the time to REALLY discover?
This isn't something you can answer in a post and just go on your merry way.
Get a notebook.
Spend 15 minutes minimally every freaking day working on this.
JOURNAL IT OUT.
TAKE AT LEAST A MONTH TO WORK ON THIS.
YES.
I SAID 30 DAYS.
more if possible. takes at least 30 days to create a new habit. this is the rest of your life we're talking about.
What frustrates the hell out of me is that people seem to only pay lip service to the concept of changing themselves, the person their spouse left behind. This is not directed at you specifically but is more of a soapbox rant because I'm seeing this all over the place. So, this next bit is for ANY newbie or LBS reading along:
Just because you have stellar GAL activities doesn't mean you've changed the person your spouse is hell-bent on leaving!!!!!!!
To TRULY be a Man or Woman your spouse would be a fool to leave requires CHANGE.
CHANGE requires HARD WORK
RUTHLESSLY HONEST SELF-ASSESSMENT
COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF - BECOMING A NEW AND BETTER VERSION OF YOU
ANYTHING LESS FALLS SHORT
AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL KNOW IT
AiN'T NO REASON TO COME BACK TO THE SAME THING YOU JUST LEFT BEHIND.
Think about it.
rant over.
putting away my soapbox now.
one more thing:
WAITING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS STANDING.
have a nice day.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I would like to add one more thing to bttry's posting.
Whatever changes you make, must become permanent and not something you are doing to get your spouse back. Your spouse is watching your every move and she will detect quite easily if the changes you are making are just to convince her to return to the marriage. BTW, your spouse will be testing you to see if the chances are real or not.
Keep the focus entirely on you and your family. Leave your spouse in the hands of the man up above.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would like to add one more thing to bttry's posting.
Whatever changes you make, must become permanent and not something you are doing to get your spouse back. Your spouse is watching your every move and she will detect quite easily if the changes you are making are just to convince her to return to the marriage. BTW, your spouse will be testing you to see if the chances are real or not.
Keep the focus entirely on you and your family. Leave your spouse in the hands of the man up above.
You can bet that when she told you she was going to see her bf that it was a test. She’s testing for strength.
You do not appear to be angry that your wife is cheating on you (or dumped you) or whatever label we want to put on it. Have you went through the anger stage? Most of us have repressed anger that needs to come out. BD is a good trigger for most of us.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am angry. I voiced my anger (safely and non violently) to her right at BD. I have been processing it in therapy and feeling it acknowledging it and paying attention to it.
I am angry. I voiced my anger (safely and non violently) to her right at BD. I have been processing it in therapy and feeling it acknowledging it and paying attention to it.
We don't now what goes on in your real life other than what you share here. It's good you're in IC and hopeful you are processing that anger there - great place to do so. However, my read of your posts (and I think others would agree) is they don't come across as you being angry yet. They come across more of you trying to be nice and compassionate and hoping through that your WW will come back and if she does it'll be all good because you're kind and there for her and can forgive. I'm betting though your anger has fully surfaced yet. I suspect it will at some point down the road and it's going to really hit you, whether you R or not. Be ready for it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey guys. I agree. I don’t believe the anger has fully surfaced. But just now as I was driving it was palpable. I was angry at her and her disrespect and unfaithfulness. I felt it recognized it acknowledged it and let it crest a little. Started to have my vision blur juuuust a bit as I considered the loser (Om) and what I wanted to do to him / then imagined him being afraid of me and my focus strength and determination. I was over in the slow lane and ready to pull over if I needed. Started to slow my breathing and just breathe through the pain that took the place of the anger. I felt deep heartache for the rejection I felt from W (different from the anger at the disrespect it related).
Got home and took some really deep breaths. Did a couple chores and worked out. Then had a releasing cry and I’m ok for not. Thought about what I want to show/ model / share with kids. They didnt witness any of this episode but I have been appropriately honest (with healthy boundaries) with them in doses about how I’m doing and what I’m going through and what I’m doing about it.
