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Ginger1 #2942275 01/16/23 01:17 AM
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Truth be told, I think it’s his flakiness. He’s been late to 2 dates, had to call one off last minute. Forgets he has commitments, etc. missed promised phone calls….. he might say he is very interested but his actions show me otherwise.

What do you think the underlying issue is to his flakiness? Things I've seen in the past:

Love Avoidant - just plain ambivalent about seeing me until the last minute, showed in their behavior

Alcohol

ADHD

Other women

I'm not a particularly needy person in relationships at all - but at this point, if I was dating a new guy who was late to dates or calling them off at the last minute without a real emergency, my interest would be cooling off REALLY fast. And I'm actually one of those women the previous poster pointed out that might be turned off if a guy came on too strong before we really had a chance to get to know each other.

(Now mind you - half an hour late to a date with a phone call saying "I'm running late" - that's no big deal. Stuff happens. But the guy who just plain doesn't show up for an hour or two, or who says he's leaving but then calls an hour later to say NOW he's leaving - nope nope nope. I had a boyfriend like that in high school - he would get all caught up in working on his motorcycle, or printing photos in his darkroom, and I'd be all dressed up and waiting for him while he'd show up an hour or two or three later. I was patient and tolerant but eventually I lost interest and broke up with him. When Mr. Big Lots started doing the same, I said "Oh heck no, I'm not doing that again" and broke it off after a warning. Guys - pay attention here. Sitting on your sofa, all dolled up, waiting for the doorbell to ring - definitely puts a woman in a sour mood after a while. )

LH19 #2942277 01/16/23 01:44 AM
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Well, again, simply my opinion, but I think people “freak out” (I hate that phrase by the way because it is another thing that is way over used and often misconstrued) about dating rules is because there isn’t one hard and fast set of rules and guidelines. They are all over the place. On this site, newcomers being encouraged to follow Sandi’s rules are getting one message consistent message from Sandi’s rules. Dating rules and guidelines come from a variety of sources, a variety of “experts” (some who are legit experts and some who aren’t any more expert than I am at playing golf). While there may be some consistency in parts of the message, there is not one real expert source where everyone gets the same thing. Take your coach for example. You clearly follow what he says and share that with others. Other men on this site have disagreed with the coach’s ways. Who is right? Well who’s to say?

I personally would take less exception with talk of dating rules and guidelines if there was a legit, recognized, expert source that portrayed specific, consistent info. Now, I realize people would still be different and interpret differently but if there was one consistent set that they could go back to, it would be easier to get people on the same page.

One of the rules I see over and over is about not waiting too long to set up an in person meet. When I was OLD, I wanted to get to know someone a bit before I met in person, so that rule didn’t work for me. Did I miss out on dates because of it? Maybe…….but if they are pushing me to do something uncomfortable did I really actually miss out?


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Ginger1 #2942278 01/16/23 02:04 AM
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One of the rules I see over and over is about not waiting too long to set up an in person meet. When I was OLD, I wanted to get to know someone a bit before I met in person, so that rule didn’t work for me. Did I miss out on dates because of it? Maybe…….but if they are pushing me to do something uncomfortable did I really actually miss out?

Dawn - the reason I recommend meeting early is because it is too easy to start to feel like you're in some kind of relationship or have an attraction for someone you haven't even met - meeting early weeds out the fake profiles, the ones you have zero chemistry with, and avoids wasting their time and yours any further. And I recommend a MEETING, like a coffee date, and not a full evening date for the first meeting, because you don't want to be trapped in a full evening date with someone you have zero interest in after meeting. Clearly, you want to talk to them enough before hand to make sure they're not scary (or as sure as one can be before meeting in person). And rules are made to be broken - two of my favorite exes were guys that lived 90 minutes and 11 hours away, that I talked to quite a bit before going to meet them. But they both were extremely compatible (except for their Love Avoidant ways!) and frankly, I was also very lucky. I couldn't recommend it for others as it's a risky thing.

Ginger1 #2942279 01/16/23 02:06 AM
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Hi G

Please start a new thread.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dawn70 #2942284 01/16/23 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Well, again, simply my opinion, but I think people “freak out” (I hate that phrase by the way because it is another thing that is way over used and often misconstrued) about dating rules is because there isn’t one hard and fast set of rules and guidelines. They are all over the place. On this site, newcomers being encouraged to follow Sandi’s rules are getting one message consistent message from Sandi’s rules. Dating rules and guidelines come from a variety of sources, a variety of “experts” (some who are legit experts and some who aren’t any more expert than I am at playing golf). While there may be some consistency in parts of the message, there is not one real expert source where everyone gets the same thing. Take your coach for example. You clearly follow what he says and share that with others. Other men on this site have disagreed with the coach’s ways. Who is right? Well who’s to say?

I personally would take less exception with talk of dating rules and guidelines if there was a legit, recognized, expert source that portrayed specific, consistent info. Now, I realize people would still be different and interpret differently but if there was one consistent set that they could go back to, it would be easier to get people on the same page.

One of the rules I see over and over is about not waiting too long to set up an in person meet. When I was OLD, I wanted to get to know someone a bit before I met in person, so that rule didn’t work for me. Did I miss out on dates because of it? Maybe…….but if they are pushing me to do something uncomfortable did I really actually miss out?
Makes sense Dawn that’s why I recommend only Coaches guidelines so there is no confusion.

Ginger1 #2942286 01/16/23 12:25 PM
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Subconsciously I think you post here for truth darts so here goes:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He expresses very verbal interest in me.
Words
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Twice he was supposed to call me, twice he texted at 11pm he was busy and I was probably sleeping, blah blah blah.
Does that make you feel connected, safe and comfortable?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It irks me when I ask a question, and it goes unanswered. It’s like being totally ignored.
Does that make you feel connected, safe and comfortable?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He has said he doesn’t want to mess this up over this.
Words
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But he is good for a day then nothing. He misses opportunities to make dates. Not a peep today. I know he has 2 kids, full custody, but they are teens.

Does that make you feel connected, safe and comfortable?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He just admittedly hates texting, he doesn’t need communication for connection and I do. It’s been a problem before in his relationships.
Excuses
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s the times we live in.
Excuses
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It used to be phone conversations when you are first dating to get to know someone. Now it’s texting.
Excuses
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Truth be told, I think it’s his flakiness.
Excuses
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He’s been late to 2 dates, had to call one off last minute.

Does that make you feel connected, safe and comfortable?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Forgets he has commitments, etc. missed promised phone calls….. he might say he is very interested but his actions show me otherwise.
Finally some truth
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And we all know I like to see action.

Do we?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The one bit of action he gives me is he makes dates, he wants to see me, but I don’t think he can get his sh!t together .
What typically happens after a date?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh well. He does have his very good attributes, but if this is the beginning, this is his best foot forward, lol. It’ll probably get worse
Excuses

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did I mention he is very attractive? Lol .
If you are being honest, this is what it is all about. The only reason you are tolerating this $hitty behavior. Maybe this is your kryptonite too???

Ginger1 #2942288 01/16/23 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
All excellent feedback. Vu, it is so good to have you back! Life sounds like you are handling it like a champ and being a rock for your family, and even taking care of yourself there too doing what you enjoy. You are such a good soul.

He expresses very verbal interest in me. I won’t get into the details, but I don’t think interest is the problem. I am no longer afraid of expressing my wants. I have told him that I don’t need texting all day, but a little bit at some point to connect means a lot to me. A phone call, whatever. Twice he was supposed to call me, twice he texted at 11pm he was busy and I was probably sleeping, blah blah blah. And yes, I go to bed earlier than him. He works for himself, he is the boss and has a work phone as well. So he absolutely could make an effort to look at his phone and send a one second reply. It irks me when I ask a question, and it goes unanswered. It’s like being totally ignored.

DB 101: don't listen to their words. pay attention to their actions.


Originally Posted by Ginger1
He has said he doesn’t want to mess this up over this. But he is good for a day then nothing.

That lack of consistency would drive me nuts.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He misses opportunities to make dates. Not a peep today. I know he has 2 kids, full custody, but they are teens.

Elaborate here for me please because I'm not clear on what you mean by missing opportunities.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He just admittedly hates texting, he doesn’t need communication for connection and I do. It’s been a problem before in his relationships.

So, here it is: a pattern of his which has sabotaged past relationships and he's yet to do anything to change it. This tells me that he's not all that interested in changing.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s the times we live in. It used to be phone conversations when you are first dating to get to know someone. Now it’s texting. But nothing keeps zero connection and does nothing for interest.

Admittedly I'm new to this but fully 85% of the profiles I'm reading the guy says please no endless texts? The kids text nonstop, but anyone over 40 not so much.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Truth be told, I think it’s his flakiness. He’s been late to 2 dates, had to call one off last minute. Forgets he has commitments, etc. missed promised phone calls….. he might say he is very interested but his actions show me otherwise.

I'll say this: in the first 3 months of a relationship - the honeymoon phase - you're getting the best of the person.

it's only going to go downhill from here.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And we all know I like to see action. The one bit of action he gives me is he makes dates, he wants to see me, but I don’t think he can get his sh!t together .

That would leave me feeling like a piece of crap. I'm amazed you haven't given him the door already.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh well. He does have his very good attributes, but if this is the beginning, this is his best foot forward, lol. It’ll probably get worse

You can bet the house on that G. And you're worth a lot more than a half-@$$ed effort.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2942291 01/16/23 02:25 PM
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Ginger,

Please start a new thread. I am going to lock this one and will be back around the link up your threads.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger1 #2942317 01/17/23 01:29 AM
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Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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