I’m not DV nor am I trying to put words in her mouth, but in my opinion, the problem with dating rules and guidelines is that they are open to a lot of interpretation and people interpret based on their own experiences. If rules and guidelines were followed the same way by everyone, I could see where they might be helpful but that isn’t realistic.
What works for me may or may not work for anyone else. We all have to do what works for us. This site is a good example of this…..many of us disagree on things and it is because our experiences are different.
I can only control me. I can’t control what anyone else does. Maybe it is just me, but I think a lot of daters are just winging it and doing their best.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yeah G - good job on making other plans when he neglected to nail down a date. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you sometimes, and if you teach them it’s ok to wait until the last minute, that’s what some guys will do.
It’s also what Love Avoidants do, and it’s what guys who just aren’t that interested in you do.
As for the general question of texting - I agree with DV that 24 hours is too long. But as someone with a really busy day job myself, my boyfriends have had to make peace with the fact that I may or may not return casual texts between 9 and 5 on workdays.
And I’m sure there are still some people out there who aren’t on their phones all the time. But if I’m going to feel like a guy is seriously pursuing me, he ought to be at the very least checking in by text once a day.
(Apparently in Korea young couples text each other all the time to a degree that American women find suffocating so there can also be big differences in cultural expectations ).
Now, my Love Avoidant exes who text and message me - they might send me three things all at once, I might reply, then I might not hear a response from them for two days - or at all. It tends to be sporadic, although between the Northern California guy who was my first post-divorce boyfriend, and Spa Guy, I get at least one message every day. (Usually just interesting music, movies, or articles or jokes about science or politics). This casual pattern of contact is nice to have but wouldn’t be enough from a serious contender.
It’s still early days for you G so it remains to be seen where this will go. Maybe once he realizes you expect more contact and you won’t sit around waiting for him to make last minute plans, he’ll step up to the plate. And if he doesn’t, well, then that tells you what you need to know, right?
Next time he does something he knows bothers you and then asks if you are mad at him, I would be honest with him. “No, I’m not mad BUT when I reach out to you just to say “hi” and you take more than 24 hours to respond, it makes me feel like you aren’t really that interested in spending time together and it’s disappointing because it makes me start to lose interest as well.” It’s direct, it’s honest and it challenges him to increase his efforts (if he is as interested) or be honest with you in return.
Deja, I think this is perfect. I recently listened to a podcast re Truth vs Harmony, and how not saying things that bother you build resentment and ends up not harmoniously at all. Also, you'll find what kind of person the other is in how they respond to you expressing your annoyance/feelings. The girl who I am dating now regularly have truth v harmony check ins and it works amazingly well. But it isn't fair to be annoyed at someone about something when they don't even know, i think you have to give them a chance to address the issue.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I think the point of limiting texts and not suggesting several dates a week right out of the gate is prevent the guy from being overly pursuant which many can have a tendency to go with a woman they like and are excited about whereas the woman often needs more time to warm up than the man and can get turned off because it comes off as needy and "too much too soon". This is actually a take away I've gotten from several female posters' comments on their own threads.
But I'm guessing it's like the Pirates of the Caribbean quote "The code is more what you'd call 'guidelines' than actual rules...".
That said, no response in 24 hours these days seems a bit rude if it's a regular occurrence. The vast majority of folks are seeing/checking their phone all throughout the day so not saying he needs to get back to you within the minute but at least same day is a pretty reasonable expectation.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I like that you made plans when he didn’t contact you in time. That’s teaching him how to treat you and if he cares, he will adjust his behaviour.
Originally Posted by kml
Yeah G - good job on making other plans when he neglected to nail down a date. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you sometimes, and if you teach them it’s ok to wait until the last minute, that’s what some guys will do.
Agreed. Don't wait on someone who isn't getting back to you...especially this soon.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
BL- you just made me laugh. I might be able to look past the orange monster that nightmares are made of ……
Ginger - I'm going to buy you a Gritty stuffy you can sleep with; it'll turn those nightmares into sweet orange dreams...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I’m not DV nor am I trying to put words in her mouth, but in my opinion, the problem with dating rules and guidelines is that they are open to a lot of interpretation and people interpret based on their own experiences. If rules and guidelines were followed the same way by everyone, I could see where they might be helpful but that isn’t realistic.
What works for me may or may not work for anyone else. We all have to do what works for us. This site is a good example of this…..many of us disagree on things and it is because our experiences are different.
I can only control me. I can’t control what anyone else does. Maybe it is just me, but I think a lot of daters are just winging it and doing their best.
Dawn I agree for sure all people are different that’s what makes the world an interesting place. So as you said most daters are winging it just like most newbies here are winging the DB principles. Nobody freaks out when we tell the to follow Sandis rules. Why the freak out when inexperienced daters are referred to dating rules?
All excellent feedback. Vu, it is so good to have you back! Life sounds like you are handling it like a champ and being a rock for your family, and even taking care of yourself there too doing what you enjoy. You are such a good soul.
He expresses very verbal interest in me. I won’t get into the details, but I don’t think interest is the problem. I am no longer afraid of expressing my wants. I have told him that I don’t need texting all day, but a little bit at some point to connect means a lot to me. A phone call, whatever. Twice he was supposed to call me, twice he texted at 11pm he was busy and I was probably sleeping, blah blah blah. And yes, I go to bed earlier than him. He works for himself, he is the boss and has a work phone as well. So he absolutely could make an effort to look at his phone and send a one second reply. It irks me when I ask a question, and it goes unanswered. It’s like being totally ignored.
He has said he doesn’t want to mess this up over this. But he is good for a day then nothing. He misses opportunities to make dates. Not a peep today. I know he has 2 kids, full custody, but they are teens. He just admittedly hates texting, he doesn’t need communication for connection and I do. It’s been a problem before in his relationships.
It’s the times we live in. It used to be phone conversations when you are first dating to get to know someone. Now it’s texting. But nothing keeps zero connection and does nothing for interest.
Truth be told, I think it’s his flakiness. He’s been late to 2 dates, had to call one off last minute. Forgets he has commitments, etc. missed promised phone calls….. he might say he is very interested but his actions show me otherwise.
And we all know I like to see action. The one bit of action he gives me is he makes dates, he wants to see me, but I don’t think he can get his sh!t together .
Oh well. He does have his very good attributes, but if this is the beginning, this is his best foot forward, lol. It’ll probably get worse
BL, only if you give me that gritty stuffed animal in person, preferably at a game .
I get there are different “playbooks” for different people. It’s like the 5 love languages. If quality time is mine, which it is, if I like you, I’ll be excited to spend maybe 2 dates in a row! Crazy, I know. I would hate if someone else was feeling like they wanted to see me and had time, they wouldn’t because a playbook says not to.
All excellent feedback. Vu, it is so good to have you back! Life sounds like you are handling it like a champ and being a rock for your family, and even taking care of yourself there too doing what you enjoy. You are such a good soul.
He expresses very verbal interest in me. I won’t get into the details, but I don’t think interest is the problem. I am no longer afraid of expressing my wants. I have told him that I don’t need texting all day, but a little bit at some point to connect means a lot to me. A phone call, whatever. Twice he was supposed to call me, twice he texted at 11pm he was busy and I was probably sleeping, blah blah blah. And yes, I go to bed earlier than him. He works for himself, he is the boss and has a work phone as well. So he absolutely could make an effort to look at his phone and send a one second reply. It irks me when I ask a question, and it goes unanswered. It’s like being totally ignored.
He has said he doesn’t want to mess this up over this. But he is good for a day then nothing. He misses opportunities to make dates. Not a peep today. I know he has 2 kids, full custody, but they are teens. He just admittedly hates texting, he doesn’t need communication for connection and I do. It’s been a problem before in his relationships.
It’s the times we live in. It used to be phone conversations when you are first dating to get to know someone. Now it’s texting. But nothing keeps zero connection and does nothing for interest.
Truth be told, I think it’s his flakiness. He’s been late to 2 dates, had to call one off last minute. Forgets he has commitments, etc. missed promised phone calls….. he might say he is very interested but his actions show me otherwise.
And we all know I like to see action. The one bit of action he gives me is he makes dates, he wants to see me, but I don’t think he can get his sh!t together .
Oh well. He does have his very good attributes, but if this is the beginning, this is his best foot forward, lol. It’ll probably get worse
I guess this is why women are so frustrated with the dating world. Zero respect for your needs or time. Like you said this is when you are on your best behavior. Like the dentist says “next”.
Next time he does something he knows bothers you and then asks if you are mad at him, I would be honest with him. “No, I’m not mad BUT when I reach out to you just to say “hi” and you take more than 24 hours to respond, it makes me feel like you aren’t really that interested in spending time together and it’s disappointing because it makes me start to lose interest as well.” It’s direct, it’s honest and it challenges him to increase his efforts (if he is as interested) or be honest with you in return.
Deja, I think this is perfect. I recently listened to a podcast re Truth vs Harmony, and how not saying things that bother you build resentment and ends up not harmoniously at all. Also, you'll find what kind of person the other is in how they respond to you expressing your annoyance/feelings. The girl who I am dating now regularly have truth v harmony check ins and it works amazingly well. But it isn't fair to be annoyed at someone about something when they don't even know, i think you have to give them a chance to address the issue.
I actually did this. When he didn’t answer me until like a day later, I simply answered “thank you” and said nothing for the rest of the day. That’s when 6 hours later he asked me if I was mad and I said “what would make you think that?” And he just sent “thank you???” ( irony, is I dis what he does to me) I said I’m not mad, but why would I both saying anymore if I’d you aren’t going to read it or respond? I said I want him to reach out not because he feels forced, but he genuinely wants to. I said all I can do is 1) not out myself in a position to feel ignored and 2) decide if his hatred of text and lack of communication works for me. He asked me out for that night at that point in which I declined. If he would have responded to the text from the day before when I told him my plans were cancelled ( he originally wanted to do something with me, but I had a work dinner) we could have gotten together.
So, yesterday, the day after this exchange he good morning texted me , had a small back and forth , and then nothing since then. It’s 8 pm now and I’m going to bed at 9:30 because I have a 6 am gym class.
I am very comfortable FINALLY expressing my feelings towards situations. And I’m proud of how I handled it. I understand I can’t make him change, but I absolutely can decide if this works for me .
