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Rockon #2941610 01/05/23 05:24 PM
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yeah, leave the info about your relationship out unless specific questions are asked, then I'd advocate a diplomatic and truthful response which doesn't demonize the other parent.

strong boundaries around your relationships
yours and wife's
yours with your kids
your kids with their mother

none of those circles are interlocking.

i hope this makes sense?

Last edited by bttrfly; 01/05/23 05:26 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
2 members like this: Ready2Change, job
bttrfly #2941611 01/05/23 05:58 PM
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Yes it makes sense. I have been working at it.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2941615 01/05/23 06:38 PM
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and always question your own motives before taking action in word or deed.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
2 members like this: job, Rockon
Rockon #2941622 01/05/23 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
Upon self reflection, I don’t believe that I got the “replacement” gift to win or show up W. I really don’t want to do that. You all are really helping me to seek to understand the experience and perspective of W and S.

And I want my actions to follow appropriately.

Then why did you do it ??




I know that you said this :

Originally Posted by Rockon
Some more background:

While I was out after Christmas, S looked under the tree and mistakenly thought that one of the gifts to me was for him. This was an item that he had previously indirectly identified (clear to me now on hindsight) to me as something he could use.

I asked if I could get him that gift several days later not so much as a replacement for the gift from W but as something he could really use and benefit from. He gave i some thought and got back to me and accepted.

Still, with all I am learning, I am seeing that it might not have been my best course of action and I now see how W was hurt as well as potential for deeper connection with S may have been short circuited

But to me that seems a superficial answer...

Superficial in..., that you are still trying to be the "fixer" in both of those situations....

Kind of a , if I do this, this person will be happy, and possibly this person also. If I don't "fix" it, then this person will be upset, and I know this person is upset....


Sigh.....

When you are being told to not respond.....

And listen up here....

STOP RESPONDING with....

The same behaviors that got you here...

The same words that got you here...

The same actions that got you here...

The same thinking that got you here....

The same reactive patterns that got you here...



So maybe start with the "why" you tried to fix that....and see how that pattern plays into other parts of your life...


The "responding" ^^^^ is what is also keeping you from detaching, and fully embracing what DB entails...

Going out, having a drink, shooting pool, hunting Bigfoot, they are all great things, UNLESS you fully embrace them and are 100% committed to them, and aren't sitting with your buddies and thinking about your sitch, and what she is doing....



???

3 members like this: DnJ, job, bttrfly
Rockon #2941623 01/05/23 07:04 PM
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So I decided to respond to W today:

I am sorry you were hurt. Thank you for sharing.

Her immediate response:

😂

Followed shortly thereafter by texts from her about our kids and a humorous meme from her.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2941624 01/05/23 07:18 PM
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I'm going to be blunt.

The relationship between your children and their mother is none of your business

If she puts one of them in a life threatening situation, you intervene. Until then, stay in your own lane!

Are you people pleasing?

Are you trying to be the favorite parent for self-validating reasons?

Your job isn't to figure out what the relationship between each child and their mother is or will be. Your job is to make sure you don't put any roadblocks between them.

Focus on yourself, your GAL, your core values (man, I'm feeling like a 45 stuck in a bad groove), and how you want to live your life.

Focus on your OWN relationship with yourself and each of your kids, separate from what's going on.

What she gives them as gifts has nothing to do with you.

You aren't going to fix this back to 'normal' and if you keep trying you will certainly make things a helluva lot worse.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
3 members like this: Mach1, DnJ, job
Rockon #2941626 01/05/23 07:21 PM
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Why?
You were told by several people to stop responding.

So again, why?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2941628 01/05/23 07:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Mach1 and bttrfly have given you much to think about and yes, their postings are spot on. I have a feeling that you are a fixer. BTW, a majority of posters are fixers. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. She needs to do the necessary work of looking within and figuring out herself. She knows that you are there for her, if she needs you.

So, when she posts to you, if the posting is not important or an emergency, just let it sit for a while. If she asks why you have not responded, just say "I was busy". You don't need to be there trying to fix her or her interactions w/the children. Unless she is harming the children, step back. It's okay to listen to what the children have to say about their time w/their mom, but do not ask them a lot of questions...let them come to you. If they tell you something that makes you angry, hold your temper until you can be in another room, take a walk, but do not show your children that you are angry because they may very well be hesitant to tell you anything else.

When you try and try and the same ole same ole isn't working, then try something else...but also, sitting quietly and doing nothing is doing something. Please re-read what the posters have posted to you. The advice you have been given comes from experience. Stay in your lane, keep the focus on you and your children. Whatever she is doing, is on her.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mach1 #2941639 01/05/23 08:16 PM
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Mach1

Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by Rockon
Upon self reflection, I don’t believe that I got the “replacement” gift to win or show up W. I really don’t want to do that. You all are really helping me to seek to understand the experience and perspective of W and S.

And I want my actions to follow appropriately.

Then why did you do it ??

Me: I was spending a lot of time with S (and also some alone time and some time with friends) after Christmas. S and I had been working on our house and connecting well. He talked to me about the original gift. It was actually from W and I but she had picked it out. He asked and I told him. He declined it. I asked if he could think of another gift he might like. Over the next several days he sat with it and then selected/accepted gratefully the other gift idea. It was more from me about connecting with him and I really didn’t believe that I was trying to show W up at all that’s not a motivator for me. I wanted S to know that he is important to me and our family and he is an individual and he doesn’t have to be “nice” and pretend that everything is alright and have a jolly experience with everyone all the time. And I wasn’t trying to fix the situation or the relationship between S and W.




I know that you said this :

Originally Posted by Rockon
Some more background:

While I was out after Christmas, S looked under the tree and mistakenly thought that one of the gifts to me was for him. This was an item that he had previously indirectly identified (clear to me now on hindsight) to me as something he could use.

I asked if I could get him that gift several days later not so much as a replacement for the gift from W but as something he could really use and benefit from. He gave i some thought and got back to me and accepted.

Still, with all I am learning, I am seeing that it might not have been my best course of action and I now see how W was hurt as well as potential for deeper connection with S may have been short circuited

But to me that seems a superficial answer...

Superficial in..., that you are still trying to be the "fixer" in both of those situations....

Kind of a , if I do this, this person will be happy, and possibly this person also. If I don't "fix" it, then this person will be upset, and I know this person is upset...

Me: I accept what you are saying and will continue to reflect.

Sigh.....

When you are being told to not respond.....

And listen up here....

STOP RESPONDING with....

The same behaviors that got you here...

The same words that got you here...

The same actions that got you here...

The same thinking that got you here....

The same reactive patterns that got you here...



So maybe start with the "why" you tried to fix that....and see how that pattern plays into other parts of your life...


The "responding" ^^^^ is what is also keeping you from detaching, and fully embracing what DB entails...

Going out, having a drink, shooting pool, hunting Bigfoot, they are all great things, UNLESS you fully embrace them and are 100% committed to them, and aren't sitting with your buddies and thinking about your sitch, and what she is doing....

Me: right



???


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
bttrfly #2941642 01/05/23 08:20 PM
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I weighed and considered all of the much appreciated input and selected what I believed was the best choice for me - to respond 24 hrs later without being pulled in by emotion simply and briefly letting W know that I understand she was hurt.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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