Had a good cry when I was alone yesterday and having another one now. These boards are a good place to take that as well as therapy, alone or together time with God (just had a good heart to heart with our retired Pastor I have have told you about).
Totally normal and healthy to cry. This is a traumatic experience. Absolutely let it out. Great job doing so in the right venues...while alone, with pastor, on these boards...instead of in front of W.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Ok the “do not allow yourself to get sucked into conversations you don’t want to have”
That keeps happening. I am trying to distance detach and disengage. I have been improving - going away was the BEST! But there is a lot that we need to connect on and then W brings up a topic that I don’t want to discuss, like her taking our bed. I don’t want to discuss our R. I want to be focused.
Goes back to the point above “Hold steady” and repeat the script if she escalates,
“This is not productive and I’m not interested in continuing this discussion right now.”
Rock the problem is when have the convos you don’t want to have and you show strength and she threatens you with D you think it’s a loss when in reality it’s a win. I know you don’t understand it now but you will years from now. Like your W actually told you which was a gift by the way. You can’t act your way into her coming back. So it comes down to your beliefs and values. Do you want to give your bed to someone who is a lying, manipulative, cheating, bully or do you think it’s best for the person who has made mistakes in life but is trying his best to fix them and keep his family together?
Ok the “do not allow yourself to get sucked into conversations you don’t want to have”
That keeps happening. I am trying to distance detach and disengage. I have been improving - going away was the BEST! But there is a lot that we need to connect on and then W brings up a topic that I don’t want to discuss, like her taking our bed. I don’t want to discuss our R. I want to be focused.
Goes back to the point above “Hold steady” and repeat the script if she escalates,
“This is not productive and I’m not interested in continuing this discussion right now.”
Read the validation thread. To me validating her feelings, making an excuse as to why I was busy and couldn't continue the discussion was extremely helpful. Luckily my WAW didn't want to discuss things very much, but the few times she did I would listen, validate, then end the conversation. That is why GAL is so important! The more you keep yourself busy the less opportunity there will be for those conversations you don't want ot have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do you know what I sense from most of sitchs that keep floating between waters? I sense fear. We all navigated those waters. The fastest we put them behind the best those new horizons will shine.
Go and GAL Rockon
Respect.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Do you know what I sense from most of sitchs that keep floating between waters? I sense fear. We all navigated those waters. The fastest we put them behind the best those new horizons will shine.
Agreed. Rockon the worst has already happened. W has already moved out. And guess what? You're still here. You WILL be alright. Once you get into that mind, accept and find peace with it, nothing else can get you down.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes GAL and facing fears. I have been letting her calls go to vm and waiting til there is something that can’t wait and when it works for me if there’s something to respond to.
So this morning W and I talked about something that couldn’t wait and I listened and validated well. And then without being rude I said i gotta go. Seemed to go quite well. In my therapy yesterday we worked on the ways I have grown in trying to slow down and take a thoughtful approach. Also putting time and focus into grieving/lamenting.
Yes GAL and facing fears. I have been letting her calls go to vm and waiting til there is something that can’t wait and when it works for me if there’s something to respond to.
So this morning W and I talked about something that couldn’t wait and I listened and validated well. And then without being rude I said i gotta go. Seemed to go quite well. In my therapy yesterday we worked on the ways I have grown in trying to slow down and take a thoughtful approach. Also putting time and focus into grieving/lamenting.
Excellent progress Rockon. I’m really amazed at how quickly you’re picking this stuff up and growing as a person.
Keep working on responding slowly with the frontal cortex (the measured, calculated, reasoning part of your brain) and not responding with the amygdala (the flight or flight, emotion driven, reptile part of our brain).
