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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Dats

I’m glad you saw an attorney.

You have been force upon a path you didn’t want. This path has two parts - the business side; and the emotional and healing side.

The business side is treating this situation like a business deal gone sideways. For that is what it basically is. Your partner has altered direction and is considering dissolving the business (marriage). This path is intellectual. Utilize your logic and reason. Knowledge is power. For now, being forwarded is being forearmed. Leave any heavy lifting to her. You are not looking to divorce, just getting informed is all. And prepared just in case.

The emotional/healing path is much more. This is the path for one’s emotions and self discovery. (Don’t use a $300/hr lawyer as a counsellor, keep emotions out of the business side. smile )

Explore your emotions. Feel them. Let them wash over you. And let them go.

Be physical. Active. It shifts one’s focus and helps burn out the grief/anger. Sweating it out is a good mechanism.

Discover your deep convictions and values. Strengthen those beliefs that serve you, craft those you aspire to, and alter or discard those that you do not like or do not serve.

Thoughts. Your intellect. You only control three things: Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. From these three, you influence your emotions and beliefs. Which in turn influence each other.

All together there are four roads we travel in our life - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We have direct control over physical and mostly intellectual. We influence and guide everything else.

I like to think of our journey as cars upon those four roads. Purposely climbing in to a certain car to alter its direction and speed. Lots of times our emotions zoom off backwards or off road, and we need to guide ourselves back to the path.

Eventual, those four - for now seemingly independent - roads start to align. You realize the four roads are actually lanes on the highway of your life. Your cars get closer together and start travelling in the same direction and speed. Peace and contentment comes when one’s cars are aligned, side by side, same velocity, and moving forward together.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Dats,
Welcome to these boards . I hope you will find listening ears and compassionate voices here.
With regards to the negativity, you can feel it ride it out and bring it here or to IC and find a way to let it go and move forward I hope.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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Dats000 Offline OP
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BL42, thanks for your response. Sorry I don’t know how to put your original post in my reply but I did respond.

She was 24 I was 33 when we met at a co-Ed volley ball league. Dated a little over a year. She had at least one serious relationship and I had one relationships in high school and a second in college. Her parents still married my parents divorced when I was one Hurley brother severely autistic so I thought she had great model parents to stay married under those circumstances.

If she already consulted an attorney things are very serious, so it's crucial you consulted one as well. I'm sure your W and L separate occasions covered these major points:

*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50. Wife ok with 50/50
*Child Support - we make about the same
*Assets - I live in an Equal Distribution state? I owned a house that will have non-marital asset. She doesn’t want our house we live in. said she would take the house that we rent out that I owned before our marriage and sell it.
*Spousal Support - We make about the same amount of money

IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. Noted, thanks.

10 years without sex is a LONG time.
- If you watch Michelle’s sex starved marriage Ted talk that is similar to what happened to us. Oddly enough in my other two longer relationships I couldn’t get enough sex. In this one physical attraction wasn’t so much there and It just got awkward.
She resented me and eventually closed off any type of touch or kisses

You also say "I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage". The entire marriage? If true, that's very telling.

You do seem a bit more practical and even-keeled than most. I’m a great guy and she knows it,but when I get off track I become negative and my anxiety gets the best of me. so when things go bad I immediately assume doom. We did counseling after a couple years of the marriage and that worked great. Then we got off track and on auto pilot and everything started going bad again. she just gave up and told me that I needed to make it work. I saw my IC got back on track and she was happy as can be with me. Then my boss started pushing me out of my job for about two years. Then Covid came and I got it real bad and then had health anxiety really bad for about a year. that’s about six years of me with some pretty bad anxiety issues on and off. Now I’m seeing my IC again for my W wanting the D. IC got me back on track, but this time my wife wants nothing to do with me Now I’m here writing to you.

Cut out ANY negativity cold-turkey as a 180. Not convinced that's the single issue which is going to change things, but doesn't hurt to implement it - and probably best for any of your relationships (friends, family, W...etc) anyway.

Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair? Nothings yet

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Good Morning Dats

Originally Posted by Dats000
BL42, thanks for your response. Sorry I don’t know how to put your original post in my reply but I did respond.

There are a few ways to include a quote.

Below an unlocked post there are four buttons. Like, edit, reply, and quote. Pressing quote populates the quick reply dialog box (the place where one types their responses/posts) with that entire post - bookended by the quote command.

Another, and more precise method is to copy and paste what you want to quote into the command structure.

By the way, you can see the QUOTE command in action. Just press the quote button on this post to examine its syntax from the above quote.

Basically:

[ quote=User Name]Displayed Text[/quote]

Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.

User Name - The name of the quoted poster. The quote box will display the title - “Originally Posted by <User Name>”.

The user name is optional to the command. Not including one will just display a title of - “Quote”.

Displayed Text - The text that will be displayed within the quote box.


The Quote button below posts is useful for showing the post with all its embedded commands expanded. Then copy - commands included if you are after such - and quote or utilize as needed. Especially useful if nesting quotes or for embedded links.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Dats000,
Originally Posted by Dats000
Her parents still married my parents divorced when I was one Hurley brother severely autistic so I thought she had great model parents to stay married under those circumstances.
Her parents still married through tough times does seem like a green flag.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50.
Wife ok with 50/50
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Child Support & *Spousal Support
We make about the same amount of money
If your W won't contest 50/50 (may not have any grounds to anyway) and you make a similar amount of money, that'll make things fairly straightforward and you won't waste time and more importantly money on Ls.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Assets -
I live in an Equal Distribution state? I owned a house that will have non-marital asset. She doesn’t want our house we live in. said she would take the house that we rent out that I owned before our marriage and sell it.
Sounds familiar. I stayed in the marital house and W moved into the house we rented out. Better consult L on this one. If you owned the rental prior to the marriage, her name is not on the deed, and the rental income has been covering the mortgage and expenses since...you may possibly have rights to the house and its equity outright in an equitable distribution state. Not sure on an equal distribution state.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
10 years without sex is a LONG time.
- If you watch Michelle’s sex starved marriage Ted talk that is similar to what happened to us. Oddly enough in my other two longer relationships I couldn’t get enough sex. In this one physical attraction wasn’t so much there and It just got awkward. She resented me and eventually closed off any type of touch or kisses
I've watched it. So you weren't willing to have sex with W, and she was the frustrated one? Typically around here it's the other way around. Was it just a physical attraction thing, or were there other issues at play? I assume you were physically attracted to her at the start. What happened along the way? There are playing of folks on here who went through SSM and were plenty frustrated and let that lead to resentment in the R. You could get some perspective on how W was feeling about that. Maybe moreso as a woman being the frustrated party because of culture assuming the reverse. If you're not sexually attracted to her and don't want to have sex with her why are you trying to DB? And for the kids and to keep the family together is a perfectly good answer, but are you willing to work on the other aspect?

Originally Posted by Dats000
We did counseling after a couple years of the marriage and that worked great. Then we got off track and on auto pilot and everything started going bad again.
Lots of improvements here tail off over time and people revert to the mean. Key is to make them stick.

Originally Posted by Dats000
that’s about six years of me with some pretty bad anxiety issues on and off.
Six years is a long time.
You can hopefully understand why the WAS/WS doesn't trust changes over a week or a month timeframe.

Originally Posted by Dats000
Now I’m seeing my IC again for my W wanting the D. IC got me back on track
Good you're back in IC. Don't give it up this time.

Originally Posted by Dats000
but this time my wife wants nothing to do with me
Easier said than done when all you want is for things to "go back to normal", but you have to give her space and time. More than she even wants.

Originally Posted by Dats000
Now I’m here writing to you.
Good. Stay here and keep posting and people will keep giving you advice and feedback. Many come for a brief time and then disappear. Like your IC don't fall off.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair?
Nothings yet
Better there are no signs than something obvious, but brace yourself for the very real possibility. Read Reeling's post earlier. There's an affair in the vast majority of cases on this board, even when at first there are no signs or the person swears up and down it's not possible.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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DnJ,

Originally Posted by DnJ
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.

Testing

Thanks!

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Quote
Glad it worked!

smile


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ,

Originally Posted by DnJ
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.

Testing

Thanks!

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BL42

Originally Posted by BL42
So you weren't willing to have sex with W, and she was the frustrated one? Was it just a physical attraction thing, or were there other issues at play? What happened along the way? You could get some perspective on how W was feeling about that. If you're not sexually attracted to her and don't want to have sex with her why are you trying to DB? And for the kids and to keep the family together is a perfectly good answer, but are you willing to work on the other aspect?

At first it was OK and like I said that it got awkward where we would try simple things that we would mess up. she wasn’t as flexible as I was used to, we would get out of sync, she was heavier ( solid). Couldn’t move her around. Stuff I didn’t experience with other girls. Then I started having erection issues because of all of this stuff. We both agreed that sex was awkward and kept putting it off. Definitely trying DB for the kids and to get back to where my W and I were in the beginning. If W wants to reconcile, SSM will have to be addressed. Plus relationship classes. We will need to find the right IC to make it stick.

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It’s been a while since I posted but nothing significant has occurred. As a reminder shortly before Thanksgiving this year my wife said she was done. Since then she sleeps in the guest bedroom in the basement. We do eat supper together with the kids. We have it worked out whoever cooks the other one cleans. Kids don’t know yet. I am being patient with the theory that it will take a month for the 10 years my wife was building up all her unhappiness inside her. I’m still seeing an IC weekly.

I’m still staying busy, detaching and GAL. I’m trying my best keep validating what my wife says. I started going to local high school sporting events and asking S12 and D10 want to go. I’m getting back into photography by taking pictures at my kids sports activities. I share pictures of other kids with their parents which makes them happy too. I go to the library and read my self help books.

Basically all arguments have stopped. W told me this thanksgivings was the best she had (stress free). It was s12, d10, in-laws, W and me. In-laws know. A few weeks back I was cleaning the garage and she came out and asked me if I wanted more coffee and I said sure. A few moments later she brought out a thermos of coffee for me. I was away for a three day weekend with d10 and when we came home she had made us a healthy supper. She said that she did this because she knew it’s what I would have wanted. I know Michelle says in Divorce Remedy that every little step is a big deal and I should look at them as a big deal.

At the same time she has asked me for my attorneys name and then more recently has asked me when we wanna tell the kids. I told her that I wanna wait until Christmas. I just wanna enjoy Christmas with my kids right now and not think about this. Some days you can tell that she’s so checked out and done with this. These are the days where i’ve just started to feel like how nice it would be to not have a person like this around me any longer. it’s a selfish thought, not thinking about the kids but there are days now that I do feel this way - not having to deal with a person who just does not wanna be around you.

Mother in law called to talk about something else with me but then broke down and cried and told me how hurt she is and that she cries every night. I was working and I had a meeting in a few minutes so as I started to cry too I told her that I loved her and had to get back to work. It’s the first time we’ve talked about D.

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