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#2939986 11/30/22 07:01 PM
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We have been married 15 years. Two kids D10 and S12. I was in a situation where I knew things were not great, but I thought no news was good news. This included a sexless marriage since D10 was born. Things got complicated and we just both avoided the situation I’m the blame for my part of it. About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me. I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage but this one I could tell was bad or worse. Two weeks ago she had talked to an attorney and wanted to know how I wanted to proceed. I told her I needed some time after panicking and telling her I didn’t want a divorce. Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture. . basically gonna let her keep moving on this. I’m working on GAL reading DB and parenting books. Walking daily. Detaching myself. Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.

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Welcome! I am so sorry that you are here. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting in case you haven't visited his thread.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Dats000
We have been married 15 years. Two kids D10 and S12. I was in a situation where I knew things were not great, but I thought no news was good news. This included a sexless marriage since D10 was born. Things got complicated and we just both avoided the situation I’m the blame for my part of it. About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me. I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage but this one I could tell was bad or worse. Two weeks ago she had talked to an attorney and wanted to know how I wanted to proceed. I told her I needed some time after panicking and telling her I didn’t want a divorce. Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture. . basically gonna let her keep moving on this. I’m working on GAL reading DB and parenting books. Walking daily. Detaching myself. Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.

Dats000, it sounds like you already have an idea of how to proceed. GAL is great. Keep reading DB. Keep working on you and becoming the best version of yourself you can. And detachment will help a lot!

I know this feels terrible and like the end of the world. But it isn't. You gave enough details to make it obvious that you were not happy in this marriage either. Sexless marriage since D10 was born? Wow, that is a longtime. I was in a SSM myself for a longtime. Longest we went was 1 1/2 years and that was awful. 10 years is a long time. So you need to start thinking about what you want. And what a new marriage (with her or someone else) needs to look like for you to be happy and fulfilled. This is important. Because if you do not do this then you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes and find yourself in this same situation again in the future, no matter how this one turns out.

Finally, take a deep breath. Try to calm down. Try to relax a bit. THe last month and a half was probably a whirlwind. Not eating well, not sleeping well. You have to start taking care of yourself so you can be there for your kids.

Please do not stop posting. We want to help and support!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by Dats000
Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.
I am glad you posted.

I have been collecting wise words from posters (link in my signature) that you might want to read after reading the posts linked by Job. Reading others stories gives you some good insight, but some advise specific for you will most likely be more beneficial to you. Ask some questions and you will get lots of ideas to consider applying to your sitch.

Originally Posted by Dats000
I thought no news was good news.
That was my old way of thinking. Boy was I wrong. When a woman stops complaining, things are more critical.

Originally Posted by Dats000
About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me....Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture...
Did she give you a list of complaints? Any of them addressable?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hello Dats000

Welcome to the board. I remember how difficult it was to write my first post too; the first step of a journey.

This is a safe supportive place, with many people with much hard earned wisdom. Post, ask questions, vent - you are among folks who understand.

What ages are you and W?

As Steve said, breathe.

If W wants to push the divorce along, do not stand in her way. Do not be too helpful, yet do not place boulders in the way either. Basically, keep you side of the street clean.

She’s made the announcement/admission of wanting a divorce and seeing legal counsel. You need to seek legal counsel as well. Just for information, to know where you stand, to know what your rights are. Being prepared is all.

Read MWD. Start/continue DBing. Focus on you and the kids. Give her time and space.

Do not tell her of this place, or divorce busting, or any other helpful advice you are receiving. You do not want to share your playbook with her.

I know it all feels out of control and going really fast. However, this all takes time. You’ve got the gift of time here. Use it well.

I look forward to hearing from you.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Ready2Change,

Did she give you a list of complaints? Any of them addressable?

One complaint that I can address now is that she says I am negative. Allowing myself to detach and using the validation technique has changed this. I am talking with my IC about GAL / making myself more interesting whether this marriage works or not.

Last edited by Dats000; 12/01/22 03:52 AM.
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DnJ, W is 42 and I am 51. I did talk to an attorney yesterday and he basically told me the same thing you did.

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Dats000,

You made the right decision deciding to post. There are a lot of people here who know what you're going through and are willing to help. I wish we could encourage folks new members to start sharing and getting advice, but a lot will wait for months before posting and that delays their progress.

So you're 51 and she's 42, married 15 years, with D10 and S12. How long did you date / know each other before getting married? Did either of you have significant relationships before each other? What are each of your families like, specifically your parents' marriages?

If she already consulted an attorney things are very serious, so it's crucial you consulted one as well. I'm sure your L would've covered where you stand on these major points:

*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50.
*Child Support - Who makes more money? Hopefully L gave you a picture of what that will look like.
*Assets - If you married at 36 did you have any significant pre marital assets, and do you live in an Equitable or Equal Distribution state?
*Spousal Support - Same comment as child support. There are calculators for both if your L didn't run numbers for you.

IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. The longer it draws out the less likely W will feel guilt and offer generously to move on. You probably aren't ready for this - many aren't - but if you can get a better deal you may want to make it easy for her to sign off on the dotted line. I AM NOT one to promote divorce, and this is maybe the first time I've said this to someone here, but you can always reconcile after you lock in favorable terms.

10 years without sex is a LONG time. Correct me if I'm wrong, but assuming you wanted more but she shut down? Why were you OK with that? Did it cause you to feel resentment? How did you deal with those feelings?

You also say "I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage". The entire marriage? If true, that's very telling.

You do seem a bit more practical and even-keeled than most, maybe because of the two above comments?

Cut out ANY negativity cold-turkey as a 180. Not convinced that's the single issue which is going to change things, but doesn't hurt to implement it - and probably best for any of your relationships (friends, family, W...etc) anyway.

Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair? Fair warning - there almost always is one.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Read Coaches words in this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984

His mindset was "Accept that you're already divorced" by applying the "Stockdale Paradox"
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2035183#Post2035183
Originally Posted by PuppyDogTails
Coach recommends the first one as a mindset to people on here, and it's helped a lot of us. The Band of Brothers "accept that you're already dead" paradigm also works well.


STOCKDALE PARADOX:

"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."

Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism�s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one�s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.


"You're Already Dead" (Band of Brothers)


Puppy
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2523723#Post2523723


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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You know dats000, this may be the hardest thing you go through in your life.

It will definitely take many years whether you reconcile or divorce.

But please, please trust me when I say this:

One day, it will all be okay! I can’t tell you how that will look or when. It won’t be tomorrow, or next week… it probably won’t even be okay two years from now.

But I guarantee, one day, you will be okay. Life will be worth living, and exciting, and normal. You may even look back one day and see this absolute sh*fight as being something that made you a better person, made your marriage stronger, or introduced you to someone new, or made you realise there’s complete happiness in being single.

Keep posting. It’s going to suck. But we’re right there with you, and when it gets overwhelming, try to remember it’s only temporary.

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