Living With WAW 4

[Kind18]

You are a strong person DW17 and you are doing very well at DBing.

Those feelings you are noticing - you don’t have to do anything about them. Notice them, acknowledge them, ponder momentarily why you might be feeling them - and then get on with your life.

Every feeling/thought/change in life doesn’t need action. You’re going through something horrible, you’re bound to have strong feelings about it from time to time.

[BL42]

DW17,

Keep on crushing it as a dad. Even if they don't verbalize it your older kids know exactly what's up and will appreciate you were there being their rock. It's a shame W is choosing to miss out on it - she very well may regret that someday.

Every time she does this I hear “When you engage, you lose.” It’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten!

Indeed. Another great one is “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

Our 18th anniversary was yesterday and I didn’t even really care. I actually forgot about it until the afternoon. W didn’t mention it until the evening when she jokingly asked if I was going to buy her flowers and I just said no and continued with what I was doing.

I would have said no but I bought myself a new shirt.

Haha, great line.

It’s weird. Reflecting on things now, it’s kind of sad. I’m not sure if my feelings are a good thing or a bad thing, but things just seem more peaceful when W isn’t around. Much different from a few months ago when I couldn’t even sleep when she was gone. Is this how detachment feels, or am I starting to give up? I'm not sure.

It is sad. And the sadness will come and go for quite some time. But as DnJ says feelings are fleeting and they'll be happy times too.

Good you're getting more at peace with her absence. IHS is tough, no doubt. You'll get even more peace after separation. There are silver linings to a bad situation. You need to resign yourself to her decisions/actions. Just release control and go with the flow and enjoy your life regardless. Easier said than done but find that inner peace. It's odd, I was always left brain analytical thinker but understand the eastern philopshies and concepts of mindfulness and Zen a whole lot better now after BD/separation/D.

Those feelings you are noticing - you don’t have to do anything about them. Notice them, acknowledge them, ponder momentarily why you might be feeling them - and then get on with your life.

Every feeling/thought/change in life doesn’t need action. You’re going through something horrible, you’re bound to have strong feelings about it from time to time.

Agreed.

[DW17]

Wow, I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I posted. It’s felt like there wasn’t much to post about so I’ve just been following the other threads here and trying to focus my attention on myself and my kids. Then things changed the other day, but I’ll recap the past few weeks first.

Christmas and New Year’s came and went without much issue. Things seemed pretty normal. We spent Christmas with the kids and New Year’s was spent apart. W took D5 to a friend’s house and I spent it with my sister’s family. I noticed a few changes with W to start the year. For the first few days, she resembled the person that she used to be. She started taking care of some of the things for D5 and the house that she has mostly ignored for months. Sadly, this only lasted a few days and it was back to hiding on her bed or in the bath tub. Nothing seemed to trigger a change, but I do know that taking care of any “normal” responsibility seems to be draining on W’s mental energy. It’s strange. After the first few days, things went back to the weird state of limbo that I’ve lived through for the past several months.

While cleaning up on Saturday, I found a folded up piece of paper sticking out of W’s purse on the counter. I got nosy and looked at it and it is W’s notes for her plans for divorce. I think was from one of her recent therapy sessions. It’s short, so I’ll just include it all here.

1) legal separation
2) court facilitator, paperwork, time
3) guilt, guilt for the kids, fear of failure, judge
4) moving forward and more control of my life

Deserve it, believe it.

S-legal separation
M-by end of February
A- yes
R- moving forward
T-

I will file for legal separation by the end of February. I will download the paperwork and call the facilitator by Jan 20th. I will have it filled out by feb 10th and filed by feb 24th.
Suggest dispute resolution if H doesn’t agree.
Remind myself of why I am doing this and I can love myself and let them have their feelings.
Reach out to support system (4 friend’s names)
Have faith in myself. Just do it. Don’t wait.

You did it b!tch!!!

There were also a few things scribbled out that included moving out by July and saving money for moving out/legal battle.

So yeah, I’m glad I at least know what to plan for now. I was partially expecting something to happen this month or next month, just based on statistics of when people file for D (Jan-Mar). I’ve read about that and talked about it with my sister and therapist, so it’s not a complete shock despite things seeming stagnant for a while. I was expecting W to keep this info to herself, but Sunday morning she asked to talk for a minute before my run and she said she would need my retirement info because she has to get with the court facilitator this week. D18 told me later that day that W had told her Saturday night that she would be filing for D in February. She also asked D18 if it would be weird if she went on dates. W said it was awkward and didn’t answer. So that’s where things currently stand.

My emotions have been in check. I wasn’t angry or sad or anything, just disappointed I guess. I’m planning on retaining one of the lawyers that I previously spoke with to have things squared away on my end and I’ll get her my retirement info today. I know that W planning something is not the same as her actually following through with it, but her semi-specific plans and an almost complete SMART goal is as close as it gets to that, especially for her. She has not really expressed her thoughts on the important stuff such as where our kids will go, where our four pets will go, what we are doing with the house, etc. She did mention that her friend who divorced last year kept her house in lieu of taking half her H’s retirement. I’m not sure if that is W’s hope, but that does not work for our situation. She also is under the impression that a judge might make her move out after filing. Not sure where that is coming from as I don’t believe there is any validity to it, but I’ll help you pack!

I have still been focused on GAL stuff. I am starting week 6 of 12 training for my first half marathon. I finished reading “Getting Back Together” - decent book for people trying to understand what’s going on right after DB. Almost done with a book called “Switch”, which is about making sustained changes in life. More professional changes than personal ones. It’s a decent book, but not really what I am interested in at this moment. I’ve still been spending as much time as I can with the kids, friends and family. Getting ready for an out of state trip for a soccer tournament for D18. I booked my own hotel. Saturday W asked if we are staying in the same hotel to split costs. I said no, I was not planning on that. It was ironic considering she is planning to file for D three days after we return. I didn’t know that yet when I answered her, but I’m glad I didn’t say yes. There’s a daddy-daughter dance I’m going to in a few weeks. Had to cancel a show I was going to this week because of work, but I’m going to keep seeking things out to keep busy.

I feel dumb for taking so long to post again. Nothing seemed notable enough to post. It’s probably hard to follow along with big time gaps. I should be more consistent with posting, especially in light of the new info. I am still following along with the posts here. Doug54, there seems to be a lot of similarities. IHS is a pain, but hang in there man. I hope everyone is doing well!

[BL42]

DW17,

Your W should read up on SMART. Her M should be a T. Anyway...

Sorry to hear about W's plans. I know the feeling. Such hurt and sadness these situations bring everyone involved. Hopefully being aware of it will help you prepare and manage your emotions which you said you've been able to keep in check so good for you.

Glad to hear you're going to retain an L. You do not have to share any other financial information with W until the legal process plays out, so maybe the retirement plan info doesn't hurt to share and will help keep things less antagonistic, but I wouldn't just hand over any information she requests. Remember it's a business negotiation and knowledge equals power.

Not sure the financial implications or your W's perspective but because you have kids if I were you I'd keep the family house if you can swing it. If you've been there awhile it'll be there home and they'll have to "visit mommys". Maybe just a mindset thing, but you'll be the default home base.

Great job on the 1/2 marathon, GAL, and reading. Keep it up.

No need to feel dumb for taking long to post - I often respond so quickly on others' threads but let my own build up - just know we're here to help.

[BL42]

3) guilt, guilt for the kids, fear of failure, judge

Remind myself of why I am doing this and I can love myself and let them have their feelings.

Btw...typical WAS/WS BS. Just trying to justify to themselves their bad actions and hurt they're causing others. Don't buy into it.

[Mach1]

Wow, I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I posted. It’s felt like there wasn’t much to post about so I’ve just been following the other threads here and trying to focus my attention on myself and my kids. Then things changed the other day, but I’ll recap the past few weeks first.

Christmas and New Year’s came and went without much issue. Things seemed pretty normal. We spent Christmas with the kids and New Year’s was spent apart. W took D5 to a friend’s house and I spent it with my sister’s family. I noticed a few changes with W to start the year. For the first few days, she resembled the person that she used to be. She started taking care of some of the things for D5 and the house that she has mostly ignored for months. Sadly, this only lasted a few days and it was back to hiding on her bed or in the bath tub. Nothing seemed to trigger a change, but I do know that taking care of any “normal” responsibility seems to be draining on W’s mental energy. It’s strange. After the first few days, things went back to the weird state of limbo that I’ve lived through for the past several months.

While cleaning up on Saturday, I found a folded up piece of paper sticking out of W’s purse on the counter. I got nosy and looked at it and it is W’s notes for her plans for divorce. I think was from one of her recent therapy sessions. It’s short, so I’ll just include it all here.

1) legal separation
2) court facilitator, paperwork, time
3) guilt, guilt for the kids, fear of failure, judge
4) moving forward and more control of my life

Deserve it, believe it.

S-legal separation
M-by end of February
A- yes
R- moving forward
T-

I will file for legal separation by the end of February. I will download the paperwork and call the facilitator by Jan 20th. I will have it filled out by feb 10th and filed by feb 24th.
Suggest dispute resolution if H doesn’t agree.
Remind myself of why I am doing this and I can love myself and let them have their feelings.
Reach out to support system (4 friend’s names)
Have faith in myself. Just do it. Don’t wait.

You did it b!tch!!!

There were also a few things scribbled out that included moving out by July and saving money for moving out/legal battle.

So yeah, I’m glad I at least know what to plan for now. I was partially expecting something to happen this month or next month, just based on statistics of when people file for D (Jan-Mar). I’ve read about that and talked about it with my sister and therapist, so it’s not a complete shock despite things seeming stagnant for a while. I was expecting W to keep this info to herself, but Sunday morning she asked to talk for a minute before my run and she said she would need my retirement info because she has to get with the court facilitator this week. D18 told me later that day that W had told her Saturday night that she would be filing for D in February. She also asked D18 if it would be weird if she went on dates. W said it was awkward and didn’t answer. So that’s where things currently stand.

My emotions have been in check. I wasn’t angry or sad or anything, just disappointed I guess. I’m planning on retaining one of the lawyers that I previously spoke with to have things squared away on my end and I’ll get her my retirement info today. I know that W planning something is not the same as her actually following through with it, but her semi-specific plans and an almost complete SMART goal is as close as it gets to that, especially for her. She has not really expressed her thoughts on the important stuff such as where our kids will go, where our four pets will go, what we are doing with the house, etc. She did mention that her friend who divorced last year kept her house in lieu of taking half her H’s retirement. I’m not sure if that is W’s hope, but that does not work for our situation. She also is under the impression that a judge might make her move out after filing. Not sure where that is coming from as I don’t believe there is any validity to it, but I’ll help you pack!

I have still been focused on GAL stuff. I am starting week 6 of 12 training for my first half marathon. I finished reading “Getting Back Together” - decent book for people trying to understand what’s going on right after DB. Almost done with a book called “Switch”, which is about making sustained changes in life. More professional changes than personal ones. It’s a decent book, but not really what I am interested in at this moment. I’ve still been spending as much time as I can with the kids, friends and family. Getting ready for an out of state trip for a soccer tournament for D18. I booked my own hotel. Saturday W asked if we are staying in the same hotel to split costs. I said no, I was not planning on that. It was ironic considering she is planning to file for D three days after we return. I didn’t know that yet when I answered her, but I’m glad I didn’t say yes. There’s a daddy-daughter dance I’m going to in a few weeks. Had to cancel a show I was going to this week because of work, but I’m going to keep seeking things out to keep busy.

I feel dumb for taking so long to post again. Nothing seemed notable enough to post. It’s probably hard to follow along with big time gaps. I should be more consistent with posting, especially in light of the new info. I am still following along with the posts here. Doug54, there seems to be a lot of similarities. IHS is a pain, but hang in there man. I hope everyone is doing well!

Nothing that you found or read is NEW information....

Feel it and get back on your horse cowboy...

This shouldn't change your course at all....

[DW17]

Not sure the financial implications or your W's perspective but because you have kids if I were you I'd keep the family house if you can swing it.

This has been the thing I’ve been most focused on finding a solution to. It’s tough because of the large amount of equity in the house. I’d have to pay a lot for a buyout so I have to get creative in finding out how I can do that. If we have to sell, yeah I’ll get some money, but I’d also have to downgrade my home significantly. Would not make sense to buy right now with interest rates and inflated home prices, and renting is something I was never expecting to do again. My current mortgage for a 4 bed, 2.5 bath 2800 sqft home is equivalent to a 2 bed 1 bath apartment in my area right now. I absolutely do not want that downgrade, especially when I anticipate having less money after paying alimony. I would hope a judge would be sympathetic to pulling D5 from the only home she’s ever lived in (she was homeless after birth until being placed in foster care with us at 4 months old). I’ve seen examples of people staying on the mortgage together while living apart, with an agreement to sell/buy out after a set time, typically around 3 years. Something like that could work if W is open to it. Aside from getting a minimum 50/50 custody of D5, keeping the house is my next highest priority.

Nothing that you found or read is NEW information....

Feel it and get back on your horse cowboy...

This shouldn't change your course at all....

Agreed. Not new information, just new timeframes maybe? I have expected this for a while and have been able to think through different scenarios. I think it just puts more urgency on me to have my plans solidified, which is probably a good thing anyway.

I don’t necessarily feel as if I have gotten off my horse. My course remains the same – continue my daily quest toward being a better person, keep being the best dad I can be and make sure myself and my kids remain my top priority. Only control what I can control. Keep learning and evolving. Keep enjoying life. Keep maintaining the renewed relationships with friends and family that make me feel good about each day and my future. Keep striving to build new friendships and taking time for the little things that I enjoy that I used to fail to prioritize.

[DW17]

I can feel W questioning things right now. She has been teetering between acting the same as she has for the past 8 months (man, time has flown by) and checking if I'm still a viable backup plan if the fantasy life she is seeking falls apart. Some examples:

Last weekend she asked me if I'd ever ask her to marry me again. I got caught off guard and responded with “that’s a pretty heavy question” and shifted to something else.

She came up behind me and hugged me while I was washing dishes and asked why I wouldn't hug her. I said I had to go get my laundry and left the room.

Multiple times she has cheerfully asked if I needed anything, another thing she hasn’t cared about for months. It feels like when a waitress is overly happy with you and you know it’s fake.

The other day she dropped an ILY multiple times in a joking manner, like she was waiting for me to say ILY too. She was trying to gauge my reaction. I don't think she has said this since probably May. It's been so long I don't even remember. Again, I was caught off guard and just didn’t respond.

She is doing this while simultaneously doing even more of the opposite than usual. She has gotten more visibly angry when she has gotten upset about something. She went out T and W to “hang out with a friend” who she mentioned by name to D18 (It’s a different person than OM who I don’t know), multiple times this week she has asked D18 her thoughts about W going on dates. Yesterday she asked D18 to take care of D6 this morning because she was going out and had no plans of coming home. This isn’t new as she goes out every weekend and “stays at her gf’s house”, but I had to work today so I wasn’t going to be home when D6 woke up. I know she’s lying about where she’s staying and I’ve accepted it as a lie for several months now. All of this in addition to her meeting with a court facilitator to move forward with D.

This whole thing has felt like a rollercoaster, but the past week it’s like the peaks and drops are more extreme. I don’t think my reaction to any of it has changed though. My reaction to the peaks has been keeping my mouth shut and finding something else to do. I’ve ignored the drops, other than making sure D18 was okay.

I’m proud of how I’ve handled things without getting emotional one way or another. Part of me is starting to get excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for my future. But another part of me expects W to crash at some point, likely months to years after we split and it’s hard trying to decide if it’s worth waiting to see if/when that happens. I know I have to ignore it because it’s out of my control.

[LH19]

Run in the complete opposite direction and never look back!

[job]

Continue moving forward. You have a life to live and that means going forward and not looking back in the rearview mirror.

If and when your spouse wakes up, that will be the time to decide whether you want to reconcile and/or just continue on with your life as it is at that time. Leave her in God's hands for he will continue to work on her and who knows...she just may bake up into a totally different, more mature person.

Some eventually wake up and others will continue on the path of self-destruction and/or bitter, angry people who continue to feel entitled to the day that pass away. None of us can predict what will take place. That's why it is very, very important that you do not put your life on hold and continue to ask yourself "what if".

BTW, it has taken my xh to finally reach out 22 1/2 years later to apologize for his selfish behavior, etc. I just wanted to provide you with an example of how long some of them take to apologize. Some never do.

Continue to focus on you and your life. You only have the one life, live it to the fullest. The past is in the rearview mirror and there's nothing you can do to change it, the present is a gift. A gift that you can work on and plan for the future. The future is not ours to predict, but we sure can start thinking about it and hope that we can fulfill our dreams along the way.