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Wolfman Offline OP
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Here is the situation. Or maybe question. How do I balance my 12 year old who is disrespectful at times to my gf? I reprimand him, I make him say sorry. But at times, gf wants tougher consequences. Feels I am not doing my job it making sure my son respects her.
Situation: the other day gf asked son if he would like to hang out with his friend (they have been best friends the last 3 years). We are also friends with the parents so we would probably all hang out togther. My son said no it’s ok she asked why, to make a long story short my son basically told her he is annoying and complains a lot. Keep in mind they are 12. She kept asking him questions why, he explained why and he has anew set of friends. This conversation went on for 10 minutes. Then my son started to play with the baby. And the conversation stopped for about 3 minutes. Then she asked him a question, I didn’t hear the question and his response was, what are you interigating me and he quoted a movie and was laughing. She said that she was serious and she wasn’t kidding. I said he was just making a joke and trying to make light of the situation. She said well I am serious this is not a joke. My son continued to chuckle a little and then she lost it. How he is being disrespectful for laughing at her when she is trying to talk to him, how’s am backing him up by explaining for him. I told my son to go downstairs at this point. The. She started to get loud and say this is bs. We have no respect for her. It died to explain that he wasn’t laughing at her he was just making a joke and was still laughing. Her response was there you go defending him instead of saying something to him when he is trying to have a serious conversation. Then I said something mild but shouldn’t have. I told her to calm down. She said don’t f-ing tell me to calm down. I said I see you are very upset right now, I am going to walk away with the baby and we can talk later. Unfortunately we did not speak the rest of the night. Next day else ignored each other most of the day. Then She went out for hours, then called me and explained how she is done being disrespected by both of us, how I do nothing and she apologized for yelling and cursing but then justified it with she has had enough. We pushed her to her limit. She does a lot for him now and she feels he does not respect her. The other day I picked him up early from school, he wasn’t feeling well. She made him soup, ran out to the store in the rain and got him Gatorade, and other things to make him feel better. She goes to all his game even though she has a lot of school work to do.
She also get really mad when he acts that way. I tell her it is not right what he does, that I speak to him but kids his age will be rebellious, difficult, disrespectful, but I will address it. For her she feels it’s not enough what i do. Help. Any suggestions or advice. Thanks


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Wolfman,
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I reached out to Verizon. That’s where we won the tickets. They were able to get me tickets to a game a day I have my son. Great seats 4 rows behind the visiting bench. I didn’t tell my son yet. I want to surprise him and make sure the ex doesn’t try to sabotage it.
Excellent! So glad to hear that...what a great memory you'll make with your son!

Smart move on avoiding the sabotage.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Wolfman,

Re: Son & GF...I've never parented a teenager but just about every material out there says they push boundaries, assert independence, and act disrespectfully at times. Doesn't sound like this specific instance was any worse or alarming than an average teenager interaction. I'm guessing it's more challenging in a way though in a mixed family situation because she's not his mother but his dad's GF. So she doesn't feel like she has the authority to discipline a kid in her house and might feel like you side with him over her (blood is thicker than water). It's a challenge I imagine you'll have in any situation going forward. Continue to think you and GF need to work on communication and see a counselor...maybe a good topic to discuss there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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kml Offline
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I'm sorry - she was interrogating him for ten minutes and pushing him completely inappropriately. I totally see this from your son's perspective and she is TOXIC!!! Does she EVER apologize to him (or to you?) for ANYTHING????

If it was me, I would just let her go, and get a good attorney to protect your custody rights to your child with her.

Hearing these stories about her makes me glad I'm a straight woman and don't have to date crazy women like this.

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DnJ Offline
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Hello Wolf

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Situation: the other day gf asked son if he would like to hang out with his friend (they have been best friends the last 3 years). We are also friends with the parents so we would probably all hang out togther. My son said no it’s ok she asked why, to make a long story short my son basically told her he is annoying and complains a lot. Keep in mind they are 12. She kept asking him questions why, he explained why and he has anew set of friends. This conversation went on for 10 minutes.

To me it looks like GF wanted to hang out with the parents/friends and with son saying no, she was trying to talk him into it. Ten minutes of questioning why and pushing is going to get the response she got.

My thoughts and how I approach things (workplace, home, with friends, etc.). When one asks a question they need to be ok with either a yes or no answer. If one is not ok with one of those answers, then it’s not a question, it is a command, direction, or statement. So don’t ask. Direct, or tell, or let know - depending upon the situation.

Consider, “Son, rake the leaves. I’m getting tired of asking.” Is Dad really asking? Or is his telling?

An example, six years ago just after BD, W and I met to talk about son’s upcoming graduation. She told me she was going to ask son if she could attend. I asked her what are you going to do if he says no?

Son saying no, was highly likely since she was treating him very badly and he was very mad at her.

W said she’d just go to the graduation anyhow. I told her that would be pretty dismissive and disrespectful of son’s wishes, especially after specifically asking him. I asked her if she would be willing to hear some advice. She welcomed it. I told her to not ask, since she really isn’t. Just let son you will be attending. (The school required the number of people for the super for each student.) If you give him a choice, and you ignore that choice, things will just get worse between you two.

She thought that was wise. And that is what she did. So W attended the ceremony and the supper. With no feathers ruffled, they even had the mother and son dance together.

GF should have asked if you wanted to spend time with the parents/friends. And then she or you let son know that “we are going to go see <parents names> this Wednesday. Probably will stay for supper as a well.” Not asking what or why, just letting son know of some upcoming plans.

Kids are not small adults. They are children. And there is nothing wrong with sometimes simply letting them know what is going on without ensuring their upfront agreement.

And yes, choice does exert a feel of control over a situation. “Hey son, we are going over to <name>. Pick out a couple of video games for you and <friend> to play.” A little less rebellion when they have some say in it. smile

Best of luck.

D


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Is she mentally ill? Because your posts indicate at best a deep immaturity, bordering on some kind of personality disorder.

I second Kml's post.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BL42
Wolfman,

Re: Son & GF...I've never parented a teenager but just about every material out there says they push boundaries, assert independence, and act disrespectfully at times. Doesn't sound like this specific instance was any worse or alarming than an average teenager interaction. I'm guessing it's more challenging in a way though in a mixed family situation because she's not his mother but his dad's GF. So she doesn't feel like she has the authority to discipline a kid in her house and might feel like you side with him over her (blood is thicker than water). It's a challenge I imagine you'll have in any situation going forward. Continue to think you and GF need to work on communication and see a counselor...maybe a good topic to discuss there.

We see a therapist every week. Things were getting better. But for her the littlest things get completely blown out of proportion. The therapist has helped us work on communication and just planning ahead. But it’s little day to day things that throw things off.
Originally Posted by kml
I'm sorry - she was interrogating him for ten minutes and pushing him completely inappropriately. I totally see this from your son's perspective and she is TOXIC!!! Does she EVER apologize to him (or to you?) for ANYTHING????

If it was me, I would just let her go, and get a good attorney to protect your custody rights to your child with her.

Hearing these stories about her makes me glad I'm a straight woman and don't have to date crazy women like this.
Surprising she gave a half apology about her behavior. Half because she said she should have never cursed or raised her voice like that. But then tried to justify why she did. That she just feels completely disrespected and that i don’t back her. And this is build up over the years we have been together. My opinion still no reason to speak like that. She has a real problem with ANYONE telling her what to do. She has to be “right” all the time. And if someone disagrees she will keep going until they do or she gets mad and walks away. I have put up with so much for the sake of the baby. I try and I try. I know I am not perfect but my god. My mental health is taking a toll. The last 4 days I cried twice. Granted I know this is my fault but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Dnj I agree with you. If she is going to ask a question she should be ok with either answer otherwise don’t ask the question. He said no, explained why, but that wasn’t enough for her. I think you are right she really wanted to do a family hang out and my son I said shot it down. So she was trying to convince him, which was not right.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Is she mentally ill? Because your posts indicate at best a deep immaturity, bordering on some kind of personality disorder.

I second Kml's post.
Honestly sometime I think she is bi-polar. She can be happy and sweet one minute and the next, completely out of her mind. I walk on eggshells a lot. I am trying so hard to make this work at the expanse of my mental health. I am just so sad and feel like a failure. I don’t know what to do anymore. Honestly I just feel like being alone. But the. Feel the loneliness will kick in and make me depressed that I am alone. These last 4 years (since divorce to now) have completely destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. Or even what I want out of life. I rushed into something I had no business doing and here I am.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
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Wolfman,

Good you two are seeing a therapist and that's helping.

What you've been describing for awhile now is not a good relationship, and not sustainable over the long term. Do you have a plan for whether you plan to exit or continue on this way?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Hello everyone, its been a while. Things have not been good. I really don't know what to do anymore. The relationship is sinking and fast. Its getting to the point where I cannot disagree with her or else I will feel the wrath. Obviously, she is super jealous of my son. There is always a problem with him. She keeps wanting me to put her as number one. She feels whatever she tells my son he should do and I should back her. Example super bowl. I do not have cable I just have a few streaming services (to keep cost down) and I went to the store before the super bowl. No party it was just me, gf, son and baby. My son and I were on our way home from the store, my son asked if he could watch the beginning on my phone. I said sure, we walked in the door at 6:30. The kitchen table was a mess and the baby was eating dinner in the high chair and gf was trying to get the super bowl on the tv through youtube. She was paying for it for us to see. As soon as we walked in she told us she was trying to get it and for us to clean off the table (not a mess we made) while she tries to get it. My son said he doesn't want to miss the kick off. I said just clean up a little quickly. He said dad they are about to kick off. I said ok don't worry I will clean off the table. Gf said I asked both of you to clean it off, it will go faster if you both do it. Son said, he doesn't want to miss any, I said to Gf let him watch it I will take care of the table in no time. Now she got upset and said really he can't even help a little. So he started to take some things off the table and now he was upset he was missing a little bit of it. It took her about 15 minutes to get it up and running on the tv. Now she was very annoyed with the both of us. Later on I spoke to her about it. She was very angry that she feels my son does not respect her and does not have to listen to her and that I allow him not to listen to her. I replied, he is 12 ans doesn't want to miss any of it and I said I would take care of it and he did clean up a little bit of it too. She feels why was it so difficult for him to help and that I basically baby him. Her exact words were, "he should listen to what I tell him to do." I said very nicely I get that but I said I would take care of it and he did help a little, why is this such a big deal? She replied because she feels my son does not have to listen to her and I don't back her. She has literally been mad at me now since sunday.

Another example, she takes the baby to the library down the road from our home. Library is great a lot of activities for kids. She also signs him up for programs there. Well one day she said we should sign you son up for some programs to get him out of the house. I looked at the programs and said to her, look I know my son he will not like any of these programs. She replied but don't I think it would be a good idea for him to try new things. I replied yes, but things he would be interested in, sports is what he likes. But she insisted to ask him to try these things. It went back and forth for a little while. I said I will ask as a joke just to see his reaction. Of course he was not interested I played along briefly, why not? its something different? He said he wasn't interested. Then gf came into the room and she started. Why not? try something different? you might like it. You can meet new people. He kept saying no he wasn't interested. I said to her nicely he's not interested, I told you he wouldn't like to do those things. Now she ket going with it. Come on just try it. Now he was starting to get annoyed. Now he started to ignore her, and of course now she gets mad, why are you ignoring me, thats disrespectful, she says to me are you going to say something. I said look he doesn't want to do it lets just let it go and I said to my son, don't ignore gf when she is talking to you. He said but i already said no a bunch of times and she keeps asking. Of course gf getting a little louder that doesn't give you a right to ignore me. I said look lets just end this conversation its going nowhere. Now she is really mad saying how can i take his side when he is being disrespectful to her. Honestly she is a child mentally/emotionally. I have another child on my hands. I honestly can't take this anymore. I am going to have to figure out how to get out of this. I am not ready to let go, but I know at this point I may have to.

Please any advice, thoughts. I am just feeling down. I worry about the baby and how I am going to handle all of this.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
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talk to a father's right lawyer so you know your rights vis a vis the baby


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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