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Rockon #2940155 12/04/22 01:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
I expressed anger to her (calmly) at BD to her. But not sure how to interact now with her regarding anger. My thought is to deal with it in healthy ways at other times and spaces so it’s not volatile when I have to interact with her.

At BD, there is shock, disbelief, anger, etc. A hodgepodge of emotions suddenly flung about. And yes, we display all manner of emotions during such a triggering and unexpected event.

However, later, you are in command of you. Your anger is normal and part of your grief. You are the one who works through it. There is no need to express further anger towards W. It doesn’t serve you.

Put your emotions aside when dealing with her, and then process them and vent them in a safe manner later and elsewhere. If emotions are going to boil over, leave. Better to just leave, than to explode and fight with her.

Feelings do flit. Even passionate ones. Yet hurtful words and actions will remain long after the fire, the embers, of your anger has extinguished and cooled. (That is not just reserved for W, kind of applicable for everyone we interact with.)

Originally Posted by Rockon
Feeling the anger and indignation percolating at what W has done… Just that it’s really not ok and very wrong. Want to listen to this and proceed wisely.

Yes, you are wise. And I like you pausing and considering things. Very controlled. Nicely done.

A few ideas and suggestions that help let go of anger. Let go your ego.

Ah, ego. The need to know, the need to judge, the need to justify, and the need to be right.

There is nothing wrong with ego. It has both positive and negative aspects for various reasons. It is the mediator between one’s id and super ego, between passions and morals. It is necessary, and drives us to greatness. However, ego can get in the way. In your way. In your way of your happiness and healing.

We’ve all experienced those needing to “win” an argument moments. To have the last word. Even when we know it really doesn’t matter. We still felt driven to do so.

It’s interesting, when one stops feeding their internal need to prove or defend their position, their need to be right goes away on its own.

But what if the other person is really wrong?

Let’s say, you’ve explained your point and they won’t hear it. Ok. Let them be wrong. They’ll figure it out. Or they won’t. Let go needing to defend your position.

You can also come at things from the view of being accurate, instead of right. Accurate; not right or wrong. More factual, which removes emotions from the equation, and therefore the need to be right. Feeds the need to know instead.

Right and wrong are much in the eye of the beholder. And often people are entrenched and unwillingly to hear advice or truth that runs counter to their views, never mind heeding such advice. Their egos firmly justifying their stonewalled position.

I find the folks around here open to ideas and seek healing and enlightenment. While most of our spouses are firmly justifying their narratives. It pretty obvious which group you’d have better success speaking with.

Let go, give W time and space for her to find her way. You’ve no need to have the last word or be right. Well, ok, you do have. (I better be accurate huh? Lol.) Yet, you can let go that need.

Ego is a foundation and a strength. And a common stumbling block. There’s times to grasp one’s ego and times to let it rest. Peace and contentment stabilize when one figures out what and when those are.

By the way, the need to judge is one of the major stumbling blocks for finding forgiveness. As well as reinforcing one’s anger.

Take care.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Rockon #2940160 12/04/22 01:47 AM
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So appreciate the depth of experience and insights and also diligent moderating. Btw I hit it outta the park today - just treated us to the best ice cream after such a fun day together. I’m feeling like a success with what’s important to me and like I’m on track!


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2940161 12/04/22 01:49 AM
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Eldest D is really feeling the Love as I am!


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2940169 12/04/22 05:31 PM
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Having some reflection and journaling on my values and goals. Some aspects coming more into focus. It’s good.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2940199 12/05/22 06:24 AM
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Ok back from my trip and W has been reaching out. Some legitimate stuff for me to discuss about our kids including S with special needs so important for me to engage genuinely. Then she voices appreciation for what I did on my trip with D and GD. I replied it was important to me and very meaningful. She called me a term of endearment and I cut convo short said I gotta go..uncomfortable and unsteady place for me to be in conversation.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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Rockon #2940201 12/05/22 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
...She called me a term of endearment and I cut convo short said I gotta go..uncomfortable and unsteady place for me to be in conversation.
Perfect!


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Rockon #2940206 12/05/22 01:26 PM
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Hey Rockon, another Newbie that's been following along. You're in a much better place than me with detaching. I still struggle with emotions when dealing with W, although she hasn't put me through near the pain your W has. One sad look or word from her and I still fall apart inside. If they could only feel how we feel for them. Of course, they would say, rightly so, we can't understand how they feel. Just wanted to chime in that I think you're doing awesome. Have a good day.


M:50 W:48
T:33 M:25
D23, S17, D13
BD:4/2/22
MikeP #2940212 12/05/22 03:15 PM
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Mike I’m faking the detachment a lot of the time. And not doing well at it often. Vets here are telling me I’m engaging way too much and when you engage you lose. I am still trying to get it but it is coming more.

Still incredibly emotional for me but becoming more manageable. In therapy and outside of therapy I have been working on riding the waves of emotions letting them come up noticing them happening to me journaling or talking about it and being in it and then letting them go. Having a plan for GAL, good solid friends, exercise, prayer and nature are helping me.

For a long time, I have felt I have so much to say to W, but now is not the time. That has shifted some where now I am feeling more anger and pain that needs to be processed and that I want her to care about and feel but again now is not the time and W is not that person. Don’t know when how or if that will shift.

In her bids for connection lately I am picking up on hints that she is trying to go there a bit but I am actually trying to avoid it unless she is clearly stating it (that has not been happening much tho’.

I am determined to not bring up R talks. Some have happened that have been pretty unavoidable and that’s alright.

Last edited by Rockon; 12/05/22 03:24 PM. Reason: Typing errors

M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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Rockon #2940213 12/05/22 03:30 PM
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W recently said it would take a lot of work for us to be back living together. I agreed with her. Don’t know if in hindsight I should have asked her to tell me more. She wasn’t saying she wanted to move back in tho she has said on another occasion she thinks about it all the time.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2940216 12/05/22 03:41 PM
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Rockon,
Originally Posted by Rockon
Mike I’m faking the detachment a lot of the time. And not doing well at it often.
Fake it till you make it.

Originally Posted by Rockon
I am determined to not bring up R talks. Some have happened that have been pretty unavoidable and that’s alright.
You control you. You have the power not to initiate R talks. IF your W initiates them you have the power to simply listen and validate and not pressure or debate and be the one to wrap up the conversation because you're a busy man with plans and leave with a smile on your face as if life is grand and you're excited to go out and live it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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