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Ready2Change #2939920 11/29/22 05:57 PM
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“ "I want your mother to be happy" is a perfectly good statement to him as well as expressing to him that you want the two of them to have a good relationship.”

That’s a good distinction and it more accurately reflects the code I follow. I have said expressed those thoughts to him and I’ve been congruent with my actions.

And no, nothing has changed. You are right


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Ready2Change #2939933 11/30/22 12:13 AM
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Rockon,
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I believe there is a difference between "speaking well" of someone and "not speaking bad" about them.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
And I would not be too polite based off of your W's disrespect.
R2C makes good points here. I'd spend some time thinking about them.

You say your biggest fear is "the potential impact on youngest S" and that you're "not scared of being alone". Far enough. But while that may be true I still get the sense you're scared of losing W and your sense of family. That's completely understandable. I get it, and wouldn't fault you for it. However, you need to flip the narrative and regain your power. Right now you're acting meek and weak. I don't sense your anger or desire to stand up for yourself. The anger will come for sure. But will you get strong and not tolerate this behavior? Not only for yourself, but as an example for your children on how to behave when someone betrays you?

Previously you floated the possibility of picking her up from the airport after her trip abroad with OM. Kind18 told you a better approach would be to drop her off, tell her good luck and you're changing the locks and hand her your L's card as she left.

Now I ask you...is the wreath she gave you still hanging on your door?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Rockon #2939975 11/30/22 05:05 PM
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I’m thinking about these things. So I flew away yesterday.

I’m in another country spending time with D and granddaughter. This is for me and them. It’s what I want and how I want to spend this time. On the plane (it’s been a long time since I have flown anywhere) I noticed something after takeoff (I love takeoff):

I began to feel so peaceful, calm and took my attention off the inflight movie and started to have the best nap. I noticed no anxiety, no worries or concerns and it occurred to me that I was not thinking about W or anything and it felt great.

BL you said, “I still get the sense you're scared of losing W and your sense of family. That's completely understandable.”

Accurate, I am scared of that and don’t want that. I don’t like that pain at all.

And then “However, you need to flip the narrative and regain your power. Right now you're acting meek and weak. I don't sense your anger or desire to stand up for yourself. The anger will come for sure. But will you get strong and not tolerate this behavior? Not only for yourself, but as an example for your children on how to behave when someone betrays you?”

I am seeing this more clearly and I hope that it will crystallize more as I detach, BE strong and take decisive action aligned with what I know to be true to actualize control of myself, not her and not other matters I don’t control. The anger is there and I am working in therapy and homework on not ignoring, suppressing or minimizing that anger but rather riding the waves, feeling it and considering thoughtful, wise responsive action - in some cases waiting and time and doing nothing is the appropriate action. But I want to see how to flip the narrative and regain my power as you say.

I acknowledge that I have not done this well (standing up for myself, not to.erasing being treated poorly) maybe ever, or rarely? Maybe I learned this behaviour (passivity,meekness) growing up? The thing is I know how to do it in a sense (I am suddenly realizing) because I have been a fierce advocate defender and champion of vulnerable oppressed people in my work and volunteer life. A lot of lights are starting to turn on - now I need to pay attention, need and act!

And for the sake of my children and what I want to pass onto them this is very important.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2940024 12/01/22 05:10 AM
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Rockon,

Well done taking a trip to spend time with D and granddaughter. That's a perfect use of your time.

And glad you found some peace on the flight, but as you mention things will come in waves - there will be ups and downs - so make sure you recognize that and manage it.

Sounds like you're engage with IC over anger, which is good. I'm not convinced that's fully kicked in yet. Whether you and W reconcile or not that will be a significant emotion to deal with for awhile.

What I'd really like to see is you develop a defiant attitude towards W's behavior and betrayal of you. Start acting AS-IF. YOU are the prize and she is crazy to lose you. Not to overstate the wreath example, but you thanking her for that and hanging it on your front door sends a signal you're just sitting back pining for her and hoping she sees that on her former house and realizes she misses you and wants things back to normal. That attitude is NOT attractive. Instead, you saying "forget this!", throwing it out in the trash, decorating the place yourself and moving on like you don't have a care in the world for her says you're not going to put up with any BS and you're way too valuable. THAT attitude is attractive.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2940026 12/01/22 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by BL42
What I'd really like to see is you develop a defiant attitude towards W's behavior and betrayal of you. Start acting AS-IF. YOU are the prize and she is crazy to lose you...decorating the place yourself and moving on like you don't have a care in the world for her says you're not going to put up with any BS and you're way too valuable. THAT attitude is attractive.
Agree. I am 12ish years post BD and wish I knew this sooner.

You don't do it in a mean way. You just do it. What are you afraid of? Do not let fear control you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Rockon #2940028 12/01/22 05:52 AM
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RockOn, MikeP, Spiral, Brandon, Dats000, and JackyJoe:

You 6 are going though this right now together and would all benefit tremendously by frequently posting your "advise" to each other.

One of the best things about this site is being able to look into other peoples lives and think about how you would do things. You are not emotionally involved in the others sitch, so your logic can be applied much easier. It is much harder to look at ourselves because we are emotional invested in our own sitch. But when you think about the other persons sitch and can give them your advise, you help yourself in your sitch just by going through the thought process for someone else.

Just me 2 cents


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Rockon #2940034 12/01/22 12:05 PM
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R2C is spot on.

Believe me, you all are smarter than you give yourself credit for, and have more answers and understanding inside you than you realize and currently feel. Sharing and supporting others are excellent catalysts to healing, understanding, compassion, empathy, and such.

D

Last edited by DnJ; 12/01/22 04:12 PM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Ready2Change #2940044 12/01/22 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
RockOn, MikeP, Spiral, Brandon, Dats000, and JackyJoe:

You 6 are going though this right now together and would all benefit tremendously by frequently posting your "advise" to each other.

One of the best things about this site is being able to look into other peoples lives and think about how you would do things. You are not emotionally involved in the others sitch, so your logic can be applied much easier. It is much harder to look at ourselves because we are emotional invested in our own sitch. But when you think about the other persons sitch and can give them your advise, you help yourself in your sitch just by going through the thought process for someone else.

Just me 2 cents




Absolutely agree...

Y'all are the ones in the trenches together.

Stick together and be the "Band of Brothers"....

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Rockon #2940061 12/02/22 07:17 AM
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Having an amazing time away with D and granddaughter - bonding connecting and being together in a very special way!

W is not on my mind that much. Good talks with D being there for her. Being honest and responsible I’m not bad talking W. D is really smart and sees between the lines. Wants my kindness not to be taken advantage of.

This trip is the best idea!


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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Rockon #2940063 12/02/22 12:02 PM
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Good Morning Rock

Very happy to hear your trip is going great.

Have a wonderful time.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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