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Love is a gift to be treasured and grow stronger throughout the years that you and your spouse and/or partner are together. However, when MLC hits your spouse/partner, he/she may set out on a journey of self-discovery which can lead them to try various things to ease their internal/emotional pain which can include attempting to destroy everything that has been good in their lives up to this point. They may even attempt to destroy you emotionally, mentally and financially, as they look to us as authority figures that they must rebel against. Whatever the reason, you will question yourself for quite a while as to what is going on with them and what role you think you played to start the ball rolling down the MLC hill. The ball was always there and something triggered it and it wasn't necessarily you. The person you once knew is now the mirror image of him/her, i.e., exact opposite and they will be that way for quite some time.

My journey was so long ago, but I remember how much pain I was in back in those days and I can relate to all of the wonderful posters who are here trying to make sense of what has happened to their lives. Trust me, you will survive and you will become a success story just like the other posters who have traveled the yellow brick road. A success story doesn't necessarily mean you got your spouse/partner back. It could mean that you have moved forward and created a new life for yourself, just as I did many years ago.

A brief synopsis of my xh’s MLC journey.

His stepfather and father passed away 7 months apart in 1998 which set him up for questioning himself, his life and what he thought he had missed out on. We had been married 25 years in 1999. In December of 1999, he walked out the door and never looked back. He became a very angry man/child who wanted to destroy everything that had been good in his life, including me financially. I did not see him again until June 2001 when he came to our home with two deputies to pick up so-called personal items. He looked awful. The next time I saw him was in the court house in June of 2002 for our divorce. He was quiet until January of 2005 when my bil was killed and then he began asking for things from my home and when I said no, the nasty anger came out to play once again. Again, he was quiet and the next time I had any communication with him was when his wife (affair partner) developed cancer and passed away in September of 2013. He had already begun moving on with his next partner and I am assuming that they are still together. No contact of any kind from him until…..

October 2022. I opened my primary email and secondary email boxes and there were emails from him. I do not have a clue what is going on with him and in the past, he usually asks for something by the second paragraph. This time, he didn’t, but I decided to ask him point blank what he wanted and his response was that he was sorry for bothering me.

I decided to share the latest communication that I received from my xh because there comes a time that they do think about what they have done. Some will reach out and apologize and others will attempt to sweep what has happened under the rug and not talk about it. Sometimes a relationship can be saved, and others can’t. Sometimes, they wake up between 2-7 years and others may take far longer. Sometimes they don’t wake up at all and continue in MLC for the rest of their lives.

Here is his email:

“Hi J,
In my healing process I have been reflecting on and about how I destroyed our marriage. I was very selfish when I walked out of your life. I have finally come to realize that and I apologize.

I am at a point in my life that I need to clear my mind of all my wrong doings.
I sincerely apologize and hope that you have had a wonderful life.

Peace
Xh “


As I stated above, love is a gift and MLC can destroy that precious gift. MLC destroyed our gift of love and marriage many, many years ago. Life is short. Live your life to the fullest and if he/she decides to reconnect and wants to come home, you ultimately will be the one to decide what is best for you and your family. Please do not sit around waiting on them to wake up. This is your journey too. To reclaim the person you once were, learn new hobbies, travel, meet new people and yes, even develop a new relationship. The future is yours for the taking...grab that gold ring and let go let God have him/her for a while.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for sharing job. You were here long before me and I never knew much of your story - just the odd anecdote you would drop to make your point on something.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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What a long strange trip it's been......huh?

It's been a minute since I've read your old threads...

I don't even think they are still around are they ?

How does the apology make you feel ?

You thinking that it's sincere ?

Or just an attempt to "buy" his way into heaven ?




Originally Posted by job
As I stated above, love is a gift and MLC can destroy that precious gift. MLC destroyed our gift of love and marriage many, many years ago. Life is short. Live your life to the fullest and if he/she decides to reconnect and wants to come home, you ultimately will be the one to decide what is best for you and your family. Please do not sit around waiting on them to wake up. This is your journey too. To reclaim the person you once were, learn new hobbies, travel, meet new people and yes, even develop a new relationship. The future is yours for the taking...grab that gold ring and let go let God have him/her for a while.


Pure gold Job.....

And what a gift you've been to many in this community that nobody wanted to be in...

Thanks for all you've done and continue to do ...

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Hello job

Wow, near 23 years and an out of the blue apology. Perhaps some of the “bigger” life lessons are finally seeping in for XH.

Wonderful and wise post. Life is indeed short; live and love well.

Thank you job!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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job Offline OP
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Mach1,

I will be the first one to admit that when I came here in January of 2000, I wasn't the best DBer around. I made a lot of mistakes. However, I read every book, website, spoke to therapists and people who had experienced their own MLCs over the years. Once I had a better understanding ow what was going on, I let go, let God have him because I knew that there was nothing I could do for him. We all learn at our own pace how to navigate the MLC journey. Each person needs to find the right balance and not second guess themselves. We make mistakes too, but we learn from those mistakes and do the hard work to improve ourselves and our lives.

It sure has been a strange trip. It is a trip that I wasn't invited to travel with him, but I was still sucked into his drama many times over. The divorce helped me get that monkey off my back and move forward knowing I didn't have to worry about his debt, demands and threats any longer. I was free of the drama and could say "no" at any time and not look in the rearview mirror.

How did his apology make me feel? To be honest, I was madder than an old wet hen because I have moved so far away from that part of the past and didn't want to get sucked back into that type of drama again, especially with the holidays coming up. He was always a great one for popping in around birthdays, holidays and special events and this time, I nipped the drama in the bud because he is no longer a part of my life and I think he now knows that it is completely over an there is no going back to any type of relationship that we once shared. Now, after a month, I honestly just feel sorry for him. He lost a lot.

As for the apology, I honestly do not know what to make of it. He's apologized in the past, around 2005, for the things that he did while he lived with me, but it was not a sincere apology because in the next breath, he was asking for quite a few things from the home, which I used and still use today. Things I knew he didn't need in an apartment. Instead of taking hand lotion, soap, pencils, pens and crazy little things, he should have put forth the effort and took the things that he was looking for 3 years after the divorce. I am very much on my toes when it comes to his games and that is why I was direct in asking him what he wanted.

Time will eventually reveal what is up with him. He may not pop out of the rabbit hole again for another 5 years.

I do hope that this thread will help others understand that you have to take care of yourselves and leave the MLCers in God's hands. You can beg, plead, promise them you'll change, etc., and no matter what you do, it will never be enough for them. They will come up with another list of things because they truly do not know what they want because they are depressed and nothing seems to make them happy.

Keep the focus on you and your family...during this journey, that is the most important thing. I promise you that one day, you will smile again, listen to your favorite radio station, enjoy life again and all the wonderful things that you use to love to do. It all takes time...but you are the keeper of your time...not the MLCer.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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job,

Wow, you hadn't heard from him in 9 years, it's been 23 years after he leaves, and he sends you that apology? Seems crazy. Perhaps he is finally looking inward, and maybe there's been some type of "come to Jesus" moment driving it...who knows.

Thanks for sharing.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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I don't blame you for being angry...

It's almost like....one more attempt to upset the life that we worked so hard to create.

Even IF....it turns out to be sincere, it doesn't really matter anymore. Another unwanted insertion into our lives for their self gratification....

If only....

They knew how hard we fought for ourselves....

For me, I have forgiven everything a long time ago....

Yet the initial contact would anger me as well....

Until I realize that this is for them, not me....





I also think that you were the perfect DBer.....

You came here with a mindset, you looked into the mirror, you made the changes for YOURSELF, and you did what worked. You learned from your mistakes and found your balance....

You stopped allowing fear to run your life, and found the courage to take each day as it comes to you..

You developed the goal of 'self' and you achieved it, and created a pretty darned good life for yourself regardless the insanity around you.

You stopped defining yourself solely by what was on your left ring finger...

You developed a greater sense of what life and love meant to you..

Then you starting being the new version of you in everything that you did and still do.

You didn't DB to be successful, you are successful because you DBed...

Regardless, and sometimes in spite of, the outcome of your marriage....





Pretty good in my book : )

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Dear Job,

Thank you for sharing your story and the simple truth behind all of it. Oh yes, it is so simple once we finally understand this.

My MLC'er is still in my life, this because I let him, although with firm boundaries which I finally manage to hold for this past year.

I learned and realized that life is beautiful without him as well.

The journey I have been on made me much stronger, wiser and a better person in general and I love the new me with all my heart, but from what I have read this is something you achieved already many years ago.


Me (44) EXH (43)
M:15 T:18, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 08/22 OW2
03/22 - Divorce official/home sold/I let go
07/22 - New home/New life but Good life!
06/22 - Slowly reconnecting
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he could be in some kind of recovery program doing a 9th step. he could be facing a health crisis and wants to clear his conscience. the whys don't matter, as you taught me so long ago. your response is what matters, and it was perfect.

Originally Posted by job
As I stated above, love is a gift and MLC can destroy that precious gift. MLC destroyed our gift of love and marriage many, many years ago. Life is short. Live your life to the fullest and if he/she decides to reconnect and wants to come home, you ultimately will be the one to decide what is best for you and your family. Please do not sit around waiting on them to wake up. This is your journey too. To reclaim the person you once were, learn new hobbies, travel, meet new people and yes, even develop a new relationship. The future is yours for the taking...grab that gold ring and let go let God have him/her for a while.

yes, quite perfect advice here.

I understand your anger and the need for constant vigilance. something newcomers don't often understand: boundaries are for us.

Originally Posted by Mach1
And what a gift you've been to many in this community that nobody wanted to be in...

Thanks for all you've done and continue to do ...

Can I get an "Amen"????


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Originally Posted by job
As for the apology, I honestly do not know what to make of it. He's apologized in the past, around 2005, for the things that he did while he lived with me, but it was not a sincere apology because in the next breath, he was asking for quite a few things from the home, which I used and still use today. Things I knew he didn't need in an apartment. Instead of taking hand lotion, soap, pencils, pens and crazy little things, he should have put forth the effort and took the things that he was looking for 3 years after the divorce. I am very much on my toes when it comes to his games and that is why I was direct in asking him what he wanted.

Time will eventually reveal what is up with him. He may not pop out of the rabbit hole again for another 5 years.
So you don't think he is just looking for validation of his apology?

I guess if my ex were ever to apologize to me I would just say thanks and you were forgiven ages ago.

And that would hopefully end the conversation.

Since those things are so far behind me,
it really matters little what she would say.


Everyone have a happy thanksgiving!
Eat lots of turkey, I know I will.


Me-68, D36,S35
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