I had thought both W and I together but I think I will ask her if she wants me to tell him without her. She was the one to tell both Ds and I told Eldest S. I have continued to express that I have an open door/heart with each of those kids to process and question and challenge me and I have been honest with them. I have felt tremendous support from them.
Maybe you don't need to ask her about what you want to do. Just inform her about it.
Your road. Your respect.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
1) Speak with him first, without your wife. 2) We are all 50% responsible for our relationships with our partners. Just own up to your half. Do not blame W. Statements like "I wasn't the best husband", "Relationships are extremely hard, I did the best I knew how at the time". "I want your Mother to be happy" 3) Let him know you will answer any questions he has. Stick to #2. You can say "Your mother can answer that question" to questions that she would know.
As far as others:
1) Keep the circle really small. 2) Any questions can be answered with "We are working though some things. How are you doing? " IE quick vague reply and then put the focus of conversations on the person asking.
As far as your W:
1) She will do what she will do. Don't try to control her. Don't let her control you.
"The cat out of the bag" is hers to own. Let her worry about that. This is where you gain respect. Don't get sucked into her world, but rather stay in your newly created awesome life by GAL etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok told S today. As it turned out W made a significant effort - which I respect - to be present and we told him together today over lunch during a pass when we took him off grounds. Also consulted his mental health professional team for support. I was the one who initiated the discussion and W participated. S seemed to roll with it ok - I saw a couple tears in his eyes in my rear view as I - along with W - drove him back to the facility after. A lot of love and care was expressed. Afterwards W and I spent time together and she opened up a lot to me. I listened and validated and moved on. Hung out with older S tonight.
She talked with me about her relationship with our kids, mistakes she/we made in their upbringing and also talked about how they are doing in their lives. Difficult things that happened in our family and then she really talked about her relationship with her mom. I listened a lot. While we were together eldest D called and we had a great video call with her and granddaughter.
She also talked about being lonely. No mention of OM. I didn’t bring up our R or our future. We connected well. She let her guard down and warmed up to me - she had often been cold and stressed this summer/fall around me - tense body language, not much eye contact. Yesterday, it was quite reciprocal with attentive eye contact, some humour and physical closeness. I felt myself drawn in and reminded myself to be strong. I listened with care and validated her.
“Moved on” I acted as if there were positives from this interaction but there wasn’t anything concrete to go on that it means anything more than we have a long and intimate history together and share a family and that I care about her and want her to be happy. Went home and got on with my life (and yet the emotions are strong).
Difficult things that happened in our family and then she really talked about her relationship with her mom.
Can you expand on that? Anything that stands out between the two of you? And I wonder if she any family history that might play into what's going on with your marriage?
Originally Posted by Rockon
I didn’t bring up our R or our future.
Good.
Originally Posted by Rockon
We connected well. She let her guard down and warmed up to me - she had often been cold and stressed this summer/fall around me - tense body language, not much eye contact. Yesterday, it was quite reciprocal with attentive eye contact, some humour and physical closeness.
Make sure you're acting attractive.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I felt myself drawn in and reminded myself to be strong.
Right. Remember don't let her keep you on the hook as Plan B. "Never make someone a priority when you're only an option."
Originally Posted by Rockon
I listened with care and validated her.
Remember not to be too emotionally available.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Went home and got on with my life (and yet the emotions are strong).
Go out and get busy living your life. Get attractive, meet people, stay busy. Act happy. Do not reach out to her.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
She talked with me about her relationship with our kids, mistakes she/we made in their upbringing and also talked about how they are doing in their lives. Difficult things that happened in our family and then she really talked about her relationship with her mom. I listened a lot. While we were together eldest D called and we had a great video call with her and granddaughter.
She also talked about being lonely. No mention of OM. I didn’t bring up our R or our future. We connected well. She let her guard down and warmed up to me - she had often been cold and stressed this summer/fall around me - tense body language, not much eye contact. Yesterday, it was quite reciprocal with attentive eye contact, some humour and physical closeness. I felt myself drawn in and reminded myself to be strong. I listened with care and validated her.
“Moved on” I acted as if there were positives from this interaction but there wasn’t anything concrete to go on that it means anything more than we have a long and intimate history together and share a family and that I care about her and want her to be happy. Went home and got on with my life (and yet the emotions are strong).
You need to be super careful. She may be baiting or anchor checking you.
Waywards and MLCs can say stuff like that one day, and then bring the rage fire and anger and restraining orders the next.
I’d be mega cautious at engaging on that level yet. You need to be less interested, more aloof and less emotionally available to her.
The human brain wants what it can’t have. If she thinks she can have you, you’re boring and easy and she can do better.
If she pours her heart out because she’s lonely and wants emotional closeness and you say “That sounds tough”, get up and walk out in your new clothes and aftershave to spend time at a bar with friends - she will be much more attracted to you.
You really need to make this tougher for her. ATM she is just coasting and you’re her readily available security blanket.
