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Mach1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BL
Mach1,
Originally Posted by Me
Originally Posted by me again
Mach1
Having been there, in a long term relationship after my Divorce...
How long did you wait after your divorce before getting into a long term relationship?


Hey B....

I wanted to give you more than the Readers Digest, short answer to this....

BTW, the short answer is, until I was ready, which obviously doesn't have a timeframe. Yet for me there was a path to it...which ultimately lead to the short answer...


The much more verbose version is....

I was bombed in late Summer of 07. And much like every story you have read here, I was a complete mess. The loss of the marriage was a complete devastation for me. I found the DB boards after about two weeks, and even though I could read them, the firewall at work wouldn't allow me to register and log in so that I could post.

I LIVED here, reading along with everything that was posted, followed along with stories that resembled mine, and spent a ton of time in the archives. I spent the first few months trying to "fix" everything, and failed miserably. So after the first of the year 2008, I realized that nothing I was doing was working, and I really hadn't been fully embracing all of the things that I was reading here.

So I stopped ...

I stopped everything that remotely looked like I was trying to fix anything and just let it all go. I made myself a promise that I would give myself 2 years ( on something that I read that said a good guideline was a month for every year of marriage) to just heal and work on myself. That I could live with that timeline, and walk away with zero regrets knowing that I did everything that I could do, as long as I gave it my best effort. Dig in and really find out who I was so that I could possibly be something for the future.

Around May of 08, I was having one of those really bad moments when my Ex took our kiddos away for the weekend to where we were both from, about 6 hours away. I came home from work and the quiet hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember breaking down in tears, and eventually standing on my back porch screaming at God to take me now if that is what my life is going to look like in the future, or give me everything that he had so that I could find my breaking point....

The next morning I was at work, reading here, and somehow I came across a post from J3B that said if anyone wanted to talk to him off the boards, that his email was J3B@y.cmo..... I think I read all of his threads that day...

Anywoo...


After I sent that email, I was quickly introduced to the backside of the boards. Everyone that I had been reading now were at a finger tip to work around my work firewall. My DB board was my email.

Which was a good thing, however there was bad too. The email circle evolved into Facebook toward the fall of 08. Which included group chats and flirting amongst the many people.

Late Fall of 2008, J3B and Jim had convinced to me to register and post after I found that we had loosened the firewall. I had friended a couple DB peeps that I didn't know too well from here and friendships started forming probably way too fast for someone still so emotionally raw. My off the board words and actions didn't match what I was posting here, and what started as support, ended kind of abruptly around spring of 2009 with an text from AmyC that read...

What does it mean for you to be "Above Reproach" ?

And I gotta admit, that shook me to my core reading that. Although nobody will ever be above reproach, it's the effort that matters. I was approaching my self imposed timeline and I was still working on who I was, and when I really thought about my actions, I was admittingly having an EA with a person who did not deserve the feelings that were forming. (unbeknownst during that time) Let alone, I was being the same person that my Ex was being, just without the physical side of things.

What I realized was, that I was hearing all the words that I had been longing to hear, just not from the person that I wanted to be saying them.

Saying goodbye to her was extremely difficult, because I knew this person didn't deserve what I had done. And they deserved to be treated way better than what was happening.

So I cut that cord and refocused on me. Spring into Summer then Fall.

On the second anniversary of my "bomb", I had been thinking hard about my timeline, and asked for a sign to help guide me on what to do.

It was a Friday. J3B, Fisherman, Jimbo and I had been horsing around here all morning and attacking each other with Zombies on FB, when a person that worked here brought me an envelope with just my name on it. When I opened it, it was an inter-department email from the Dr's office that my Ex worked at, that had been printed out describing that my Ex was involved in a relationship with Dr #3, and that they would not forego their new relationship, and that if anyone should be fired over it, it should be him, not her. The strange part is that it was brought here by affair Dr #1.

As Bill Engvall says.....here's your sign...

It was a sign, yet it was also MY answer. More lies from her, more deception, and although it rattled me deeply, I knew within an hour that what I was feeling was more because I was supposed to feel that way, not because I actually did feel that way. I had been done with this for a couple months now, and it just took a while for my head and my heart to sync up with each other. The perpetual lies ended up being the hill that I would die on, or rather the marriage did die on.

Within a few days, I felt free. I felt a calmness come over me, and suddenly all of my fear turned into excitement for what the future held.

Late fall 09, (Turns out, Jimbo lives like 45 minutes from me and he and I would plan a trip out of town once a month, just to get the hell out of dodge for a couple days. ) Jim mentioned that he wanted to meet up a few hours from here with a couple people that he knew. So we headed out of town for a weekend excursion. When we got there, I saw this girl......

She and I had talked a couple times, yet I knew very little about her other than a superficial level. We were actually pretty chill that weekend, yet we started talking a little more, and really took the time to get to know each other. We were both coming from bad situations, and both had done a lot of internal healing and reflection. We met up a couple times after that, just to see if what each of was feeling was true or rebound stuff. We had a couple rules regarding each other. One was that IF our spouses would ask, then we HAD to listen, just to hear what they might say. The other was, Kids come first, no matter what.....

By the time we decided to define "us", I would say it had been about 3 years.

We were just having fun, and enjoying being with each other. Looking back, yes we were dating probably around my 2 and a half year mark. By the time we labeled it, we were pretty entrenched into each others lives.

So my previous answer, when I was ready, isn't quite as simple as it sounds.

Yet it is that simple.

I was at a point where I was ready for whatever happened, yet I was wasn't looking for anything ...

The LAST thing I expected that weekend, was to find her...

So when I say I met a girl......

I met a girl, and I felt things that I hadn't felt before. And I needed to find out what they were, and what they meant. If she were here, she would tell you the same thing.



....and we spent the next almost 13 years trying to figure out what it was.


none of that would have happened if I wasn't ready for it...


You'll know B....when the time comes, you will know...


I don't know if that answers your question or not...

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Mach1,

Originally Posted by Mach1
I don't know if that answers your question or not...
I was expecting the short answer, but got a lot more out of the long form. Thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by Mach1
You'll know B....when the time comes, you will know...
Thanks Mach1, I appreciate you saying that.

Originally Posted by Mach1
When I opened it, it was an inter-department email from the Dr's office that my Ex worked at, that had been printed out describing that my Ex was involved in a relationship with Dr #3, and that they would not forego their new relationship, and that if anyone should be fired over it, it should be him, not her. The strange part is that it was brought here by affair Dr #1.
Wow. That's...something. Out of curiosity...do you know if ExW and Dr. #3 are still together or did that flame out too?

Originally Posted by Mach1
I met a girl, and I felt things that I hadn't felt before. And I needed to find out what they were, and what they meant. If she were here, she would tell you the same thing.

...and we spent the next almost 13 years trying to figure out what it was.
Sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship. Sorry you lost her recently. That has to be so difficult. Wishing you the best as you process through the loss...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Mach1
When I opened it, it was an inter-department email from the Dr's office that my Ex worked at, that had been printed out describing that my Ex was involved in a relationship with Dr #3, and that they would not forego their new relationship, and that if anyone should be fired over it, it should be him, not her. The strange part is that it was brought here by affair Dr #1.

Wow. That's...something. Out of curiosity...do you know if ExW and Dr. #3 are still together or did that flame out too?

They are.

All good though, I sincerely hope that she is happy....



Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Mach1
I met a girl, and I felt things that I hadn't felt before. And I needed to find out what they were, and what they meant. If she were here, she would tell you the same thing.

...and we spent the next almost 13 years trying to figure out what it was.

Sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship. Sorry you lost her recently. That has to be so difficult. Wishing you the best as you process through the loss...

Appreciate that....it is extremely difficult.

I wish you the best also...

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Mach1,
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by BL42
Wow. That's...something. Out of curiosity...do you know if ExW and Dr. #3 are still together or did that flame out too?
They are.

All good though, I sincerely hope that she is happy....
Great attitude and sentiment. I'm certainly not there yet, but suppose you've got a decade plus on me.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Merry Christmas to all....

My wish for everyone through the holidays is Peace ...

A Peaceful heart, spirit, body, and mind...

And to remember the reason for the season, not the commercial BS that it seems to have become...

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Merry Christmas to you and your family and to all of the posters.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Merry Christmas friend xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Wow.....It's been a minute..

Not even sure where to begin. I made it through the holidays with minimal damage. Thanksgiving was hard, yet it was done in a way that would have made her smile.

As I drifted into December and the season of giving, there were some really rough days including one where I had to walk away from a cart in a store and spend quite some time before I felt fine enough to drive home.

Christmas was her favorite time of the year, even so much that she pulled me into her love for it. I had always loved that time of the year, yet this year reminded me that I think that I loved her love for it more than I loved the day. The way she would light up at the end of the Macy's parade when ole St Nick would appear, and she would announce that "Thanksgiving is over, Christmas time is here !! "

Up to me, I wouldn't have decorated, it was too hard. Thinking back to end of May/beginning of June, her Son and his Wife and I had discussed this time of the year, and decided that they would come up from FL to help decorate this year and have one more of "her" Christmas'. Then they would come back up in January to help pack everything away, where we would separate some of her decorations that have been with her since her childhood, and his decorations from when he was younger.

At first, I gotta say that it was hard to see those things. Most of what we have are things that we did together. One of our joint hobbies was antiques and crafting things. I would make whatever she had in mind and she would do the final touches/painting/stenciling of them. So we have a lot of rustic Christmas decorations that are homemade by us. She would see something and say, "make this for me please", and it would get done....

My Daughters fiancée came out and we did the outdoor lighting and decorating.

I had zero energy for any of that, inside or out, yet once it was done, I felt a smile come over me that she was there with me in the Spirit of the season. The triggers though, wow.....

Somehow though, I got through it, mainly with the help of some good friends, and having my kiddos with me.

I had expected the holidays to be hard, what I didn't expect was how hard the thought of the new year was going to hit me. Knowing that 2022 was the last year that I would see her smile, and talk to me was harder than I could have ever imagined. Knowing that my life will go on in 2023, and I won't hear her voice and she won't be with me ....sigh

Those thoughts though....whatever they are, are pushing me to go forward. I've decided that I don't want to feel like this forever, and I'm the only thing stopping me from having forward progress and positive thoughts about what my life will look like in 2023.

I'm actually doing okay with it so far. Trying to focus on the good, trying to not let what's happened define what can be. I have zero clue what my future looks like, all I know for 100% is that I am supposed to be in it.

It's been 31 weeks today, and I still hear her voice and smell her around me. Everything in me knows that she is gone, yet I still feel that closeness that we shared. I still crave her presence and company. I assume that is something that will always be there. Honoring her isn't dwelling on what's been lost though. Honoring her means living a life that is full of smiles and laughter, struggles and triumphs. That is my goal, to try and honor her by living that life.

In doing that, I have to be there for myself first, living it for real , and knowing that it does exist. And if ever there comes a time when she helps put someone in my path, I hope that it will be pure and real, not something forced and fake. I have to get there for me first though....herein lies the struggle...

The stuff with my Father and stepmother is taking it's own course. Decisions are being made without my input, and letting it all go is beginning to look like it was my one best option. Apparently, my childhood home will be for sale in the near future without my input or knowledge, and it is what it is. My promise to him was to help her in any way that I could, and if this is what it takes, then I am fine with it.

It's concrete, wood, and paint. And while memories of my childhood and Father come from there, he isn't there anymore. Realistically, I left there 30 years ago , and while I miss him dearly, life without him isn't much different than living it before, other than our weekly/bi-weekly phone calls have stopped. I will grieve him down the road when I get to a better place. I simply cannot grieve them both at the same time.

Anywoo.....

Just some journaling for now, it allows me to see where I am vs where I've been....

If you made it this far, you'll get a 2% cashback option on your monthly bill sometime in August.

Best wishes to all in 2023....

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Originally Posted by Mach1
I simply cannot grieve them both at the same time.

True. We only have so much emotional bandwidth.

(((Hug)))

Take your time my friend.

Live with honour.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Tears care honor and respect Mach1


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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