Mach raises a good point. A peaceful home is best, for sure, but parents will never really know what was going on in the inner life of their kids until much later. My son is going to be 23 in a short time. He didn't really start telling me what his experience of divorce was like until he was well past high school.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yeah I hear what you and Mach are saying but I think if mom and dad are happy and be able to not hate each other than they are ok with it. Again not ideal but I don’t think they need to be resilient.
it's not about needing to be resilient; resilient is the word used by the people blowing up others' lives in their quest for their elusive personal happiness. It's the justification used by parents who are putting their own selfishness ahead of the needs of their children.
The irony is that these very children absolutely need to become resilient in order to survive the maelstrom these f'd up souls create.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I think many times it’s the lesser of 2 evils. Are 2 parents staying together who hate eachother for the “sake of the kids” better than 2 homes where where there is peace me calm at 2 homes, and yeah, they have to go back and forth and that is annoying, but at least I don’t hear and experience a home in which my parents are constantly arguing or treating eachother poorly?
Sure, my kid does not like going back and forth. It’s annoying. She doesn’t like that she sees her dad so much less. But if we were together and she would have witnessed the way he treated me? Which is more toxic?
We all know a Two parent living stable home is always the best. But in many instances it is simply not possible because it takes 2 to make that happen.
When these kids can say “I wish my parents didn’t split” I think that is under the premise of “I wish they stayed together and were both healthy” I don’t think they would realize what would have happened if they stayed together in a toxic situation.
The irony is that these very children absolutely need to become resilient in order to survive the maelstrom these f'd up souls create.
I think the point G and I am trying to make is it doesn't have to be a maelstrom. That's up to the parents. In a bizarre way we are still a family who live in different homes that happen to be very peaceful. Yep it gets annoying from time to time when they have to pack everything up and go to the next house. But I also bet it is annoying when kids have to go home wondering if there parents are going to be at each other's throats or why their parents aren't speaking to one another.
It took a lot of sh!t eating for me and getting over the injustice of it all to be able to be good with her dad and stepmom so she doesn’t have to be damaged from all of this. It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But she has expressed how happy and relieved it makes her that her parents get along when the other divorced parents she knows can barely be in the same room.
I’ll never regret it, even if I look like a tool to others. Nothing is more important to me than my daughter’s mental health. I think it’s the game changer in why she does so well .
Statistics can prove any argument correct or incorrect...
There have actually been studies that have shown that being in a house with a dysfunctional parental system is beneficial to children based on there being a steady "safe place" that a child finds for themselves. There is nothing that says that dysfunction will last forever unless that plug is pulled completely. There will always be hope at least, that things will change. And they typically don't have to choose which parent is the good parent or the bad parent in order to feel that they aren't abandoning one or the other. They view both equally as good and both equally as bad.
Not my study, yet it has been done...
The absolute best 2nd place (coming in behind a healthy both-parent house) is actually the children being able to stay in the marital home with the parents rotating custody within the shared house. They have the same bed, address, and social hub consistently. They don' t have the feelings of why they have to adapt simply because their parents can't get along. They aren't packing a bag every 5-7 days, or feeling like they have to choose whether they like Dad's house, or Mom's house better. They aren't sitting by the window, watching for a 'late' parent to pick them up, or watching the clock to make sure they aren't late on arrival. It alleviates disturbed sleep patterns, and guilt over 'leaving' one parent all alone for periods of time.
Essentially, their stability becomes the most important thing...
I am definitely guilty of parallel parenting. I have not physically seen or spoken to the boy's mother in I don't know how many years. That being said I have never (almost) spoken poorly of her in front of them. She's their mother and their relationship with her is between them.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
