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Originally Posted by BL42
Mach40,
Originally Posted by Mach40
and the question came up, should I get her Momma something, card etc for Christmas..
You wrote this in a passive voice, i.e. "the question came up", but who raised the question...you? her?

Originally Posted by Mach40
Well, oldest said her Momma did get me a gift card, but since she was sick for my B Day dinner, my oldest put the gift card in her card from her and my grand baby. Didnt tell me till today. Made me feel bad for that. Wasnt my fault, it was my daughters for not informing me..
You should spend some time exploring why you feel bad. This woman divorced you and is dating another man. And you feel bad for not saying thank you for a gift card you didn't know about?

Originally Posted by Mach40
Thoughts on what I should do, reach out and give her a thank you for the gift card.
Nothing. It's over. Let it be.

Originally Posted by Mach40
And, since she did get me something for my B Day, should I retro something to her?
No!

Originally Posted by Mach40
I am sure most will say, just let it go.
Yep. You know our advice

Originally Posted by Mach40
I get it, but after 32 years, some things always mean something regardless of how we feel about each other.
Mach you're officially divorced and have been separated many years. Your time is better spent on you rather than giving her headspace about a gift card.
I was asking Oldest about Christmas gifts and asked if I should also get her Momma something. I passively said, she and I didnt get B Day stuff for each other, so maybe I shouldnt. So, yes, I brought it up passively to justify not getting anything for Christmas.
I felt bad just for the fact I would have if I had known, I would have said thnx. Its my nature to be polite. If that makes sense.
I know time is better spent on me.. I agree.
Again, the worst part about all this is timing. If I could have known about this site, the books years ago, I would have been way better off.
I have to shrug that off and get moving. And with all the holidays coming up, it makes it a bit tougher.
Last night my youngest made some home made Risotto and tea for my Bronchitis also. While there she asked what I am doing for the Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said, we talked about it, and I wont be going to your Moms house or her Sister house for either Holiday. She said, okay, your fresh off of getting hurt, I understand.. So we came up with a little plan to do a small Dinner at my place, and Christmas eve at my place for gifts. She has a good head on her shoulders.
The oldest is more concerned of her B day, daughters B day and Christmas. She has no job, medical issue, and she is hyper focused on those things.. her B Day, grands b day, and Christmas will be fine, I assured her.


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Mach so you know hypergamy and gold digger are not the same thing.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Mach so you know hypergamy and gold digger are not the same thing.
I do now. I feel my ex is desperately trying to find security in her future. She was a survivor when I first met her as she was struggling to get out of her parents home, even though she was working full time..
Then our marriage got all screwed up, and she hyper focused on getting ahead. She was doing very very well in Real Estate, and Mercedes Benz relocation contracts. Now everything is drying up in a bad way.
So, she found a person who has never married, no kids, is financially secure, and probably in her circle of business. She sees him as a lifeline, subconsciously. I cant control her, and honestly do wish her the best. I just had always thought we would power through and get back together. I am human.
I am financially secure for the rest of my life. Once I get focused on me, 100%, I am going to be fine emotionality etc. Its a process many here have gone through as I will too.
Like its been said, the vision I have of her is fantasy, not reality. I will eventually just remember all the good and forgive/forget the bad, as best I can..


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That’s the best attitude to have Mach.

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Thnx LH, I will do my best to work on myself.. I will, trust me.. It just takes time..


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What’s wrong with church and volunteering as GAL? Gym concerts and the beach isn’t for everyone.

I think it’s great GAL. I’m not a church goer, but volunteering is an great way to socialize, give back and get a sense of fulfillment

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Well if you actually read what I wrote I said it’s a good start and he should expand his GAL. I’m starting yoga next month.

Yep totally aware that beaches, concerts and the gym aren’t for everyone. Just like skinny, tanned, big breasted blondes aren’t for everyone but thank you for the reminder.

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Originally Posted by Mach40
I do now. I feel my ex is desperately trying to find security in her future. She was a survivor when I first met her as she was struggling to get out of her parents home, even though she was working full time..
Just keep reminding yourself that this isn't your issue. My own xW bragged to her friends about how much money her OM had as a small business owner who had just gotten a windfall from his wife's death from cancer.

Nearly 7 years later they're living modestly about 10 minutes away well subsidized by my alimony payments (16 more to go). I have no idea what their situation is, but they are both driving 10 year old + vehicles and the trips to tropical destinations she used to insist on aren't happening to the best of my (rather limited) knowledge.

The only big trip they went on was when my xW drained 1/2 of our savings account while we were still married but separated. It was also when she was outed as a cheating spouse as her secret got out on social media from people they met.

A big part of detachment is severing the link / dropping the rope between your future and her's. She's made her choices and has gone on her own path that has nothing to do with you. You need to find your own path. The place to get to is when she is just someone you used to know. It's a tough journey I assure you, but worth it.


On BD
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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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AndrewP, I agree, It is hard to see someone who left you make decisions for her , and her only.. But, I think she will pull it through. She is not a quitter.. I have seen her work 3 jobs while going to school raising one kid... Maybe she doesnt have the same energy, but she has pride and will power..
Whatever the two end up doing, its their decision.. I think they will be fine. Even though deep down I want both to fail, I know deep down that is not right and I shouldnt think that way. If she fails, it affects both my daughters and grand kids in some way..


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I was talking to my 2 sisters, one is 5 years younger and the older is 5 years older. Both live on separate coasts. One is widowed, youngest, as her husband passed with a thrombosis? barely45 years old. Super fit, lumberjack in Oregon..
Oldest has been divorced for about 15 years..
Anyways, they were asking how I was doing, and both said something people have touched on. They both said I was always someones Knight in Shining armor. I chose women, even before my wife, that needed help.. So, that is definitely a problem for me to figure out. Thoughts?


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