Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I can tell you from firsthand experience how it feels to be in a relationship with someone who always has to be right. It is frustrating and exhausting. My xh would argue with a fence post if he thought he could be right about something. And he didn’t just argue, he’d look up crap on the internet that supported his side of whatever it was. I got to the point where I would just say “you’re right” and walk away because what I said didn’t matter at all. He didn’t care. Don’t do that to your gf. I agree with Mach that all of your “I guess it is because…” really doesn’t serve you. You need to figure out the root cause so you can find the solution.

You and your xw do have drama and of course it takes it’s toll on your current relationship. You share kids with your xw and therefore can’t cut ties altogether but you don’t have to engage either. Because you want to be right so badly, you just keep engaging. I think LH makes a great point that if you have custody arrangements that depend on y’all communicating and cooperating, you should definitely go back and have them explicitly spelled out because you have both proven you can’t effectively co-parent.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
Wolfman

Usually people project things that they struggle within. A person who comes across as judgemental to others... is usually far more judgmental with their own actions inside.

The same could be said about people who usually need to feel right all the time. It usually stems from an environment where "being wrong" came with consequences. How do you talk to yourself when you are wrong? Do you beat yourself up? Do you extend yourself grace?

Perhaps answering this could take away a few "guesses" and become reasons why you respond the way you do. And once you know the reason - you can work on it.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote
If you do this and she is a rational human being she will slowly start to meet your needs too.

Just want to point out - she may not be a rational human being (your GF).

And drinking before going to a child's game because she's "anxious"? Sounds like alcoholic behavior to me and very worrisome.

Also - get a second car seat. You shouldn't be home with your baby without a way to transport them to medical attention should the need arise.

I know everyone has been all over you for the mistakes you made in the past - not helpful now that you're where you are. Focusing on yourself is still the best thing you can do at present - not arguing and trying to be "right", speaking her love languages to her without expecting a tit for tat, etc. It may sill not work out because she may be an immature self-centered person who isn't capable of growing up, but if she is, this is your best chance.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
So the STFU Smoothie stand is now open for business. Wolfman, do you know what that means? I don't see that posted very much in the areas of the board that I frequent. It basically means take the cotton out of your ears, put it in your mouth and learn how to actively LISTEN. This is a pattern you have with your current gf, exw and also have talked about having with your daughter. I don't know if it's only with your female relationships, or if this also extends to your male friends/family members ... but I bet you do.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Go to therapy. For yourself, because you have hit a bottom with this behavior and sincerely want to improve yourself. Not because it will score you points with exw, daughter, gf, or people here.

Put the focus on yourself.

When you point at others, three fingers are coming back at you.

I could go on.

I'll end with this: it's really hard in this day and age to know what is the right role for male/female in any relationship. Nothing is as clear cut as my parents' generation when the woman took care of home and family and the guy was the breadwinner. Perhaps you would benefit from giving some sincere thought to what you expect your role and her role to be. Really dive deep into that exercise. Then ask her to do the same. Let her come to you when she's finished with her part in it. Really listen to her viewpoint, not with an agenda, but to sincerely learn her expectations.

That's a good start. Mach and others have made excellent points also. But buy the frequent flyer STFU smoothie card. Get it punched early and often. When it fills up, get another.

Hope this helps.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
WOW ok then. I will answer the questions some of you asked.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am still curious to the question I posed about her not being from the US. Does she have family here ?
Did I ever say she was born outside the US? My gf was born here. Always lived here. I believe her dad was born here too, I think her mom was born in her country. Her parents live here and so do her siblings (siblings live in a different state).

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Certain days in our divorce decree are not set in stone. These are times that we negotiate. This was one of those days. Also, certain things in our divorce decree overlap. So, we have to negotiate.
So what was so special about this day that it is not set in stone? So if this is a day you negotiated than why didn't you just say " I negotiated 8:00 pm so that is when I will drop him off.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Does this make sense?
It makes zero sense. You two are like children so it makes more sense to go back into court and get a more strict agreement with zero room for negotiation or misinterpidation.

This particular day, our negotiated time overlapped. This was my vacation week which ended on Friday. We exchange my s at 8pm. But weekends say they start at 3pm. This is the first time this overlap ever happened. Our divorce does to say if this happens which one takes precedence. That's where the problem was there. You mentioned that we are children. Look, in June exw went to a retirement party and was not able to pick up my s at the designated time. Side note, In writing in our divorce it is clearly states, "No one other than the parents should be at pick up and NO other person is to pick up or drop off the kids" Exw emailed me that her father was going to pick up my s. I could have said no, made her leave the party and come and pick up my s. I allowed. When I received that email, I said ok. When its convenient for her she doesn't abide by it, but like for the example I explained I couldn't get there at that time, she filed a police report.

Mach you want me to answer the question, why do I want to be right? The answer to this question is a deep answer. The short answer, never having a voice growing up. Had to do what my mom said and that was it. Never wanted to hear me. I know I was a kid. It just hurt not to be heard or have no voice. Look, before I get ambushed on this, I know I am older now. Something I should have worked on long ago. But I didn't. I will now, especially since so many of you pointing it out, I will work on this. Honestly i will look to all of you for help. I am not going to a therapist for it. I am tired of going to them and hearing, why do you think that, how does that make you feel? I am going to you for you to tell me. At least here you all tell me straight. Better therapy here than any therapist I have gone to.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I can tell you from firsthand experience how it feels to be in a relationship with someone who always has to be right. It is frustrating and exhausting. My xh would argue with a fence post if he thought he could be right about something. And he didn’t just argue, he’d look up crap on the internet that supported his side of whatever it was. I got to the point where I would just say “you’re right” and walk away because what I said didn’t matter at all. He didn’t care. Don’t do that to your gf. I agree with Mach that all of your “I guess it is because…” really doesn’t serve you. You need to figure out the root cause so you can find the solution.

You and your xw do have drama and of course it takes it’s toll on your current relationship. You share kids with your xw and therefore can’t cut ties altogether but you don’t have to engage either. Because you want to be right so badly, you just keep engaging. I think LH makes a great point that if you have custody arrangements that depend on y’all communicating and cooperating, you should definitely go back and have them explicitly spelled out because you have both proven you can’t effectively co-parent.

Thank you for the insight about how it made you feel. I never realized how difficult I was really being. I have to understand my gf has a voice and needs to be heard. I definitely need to do a better job at listening. I have actually done that too. Looked up things to prove I am right.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Wolfman

Usually people project things that they struggle within. A person who comes across as judgemental to others... is usually far more judgmental with their own actions inside.

The same could be said about people who usually need to feel right all the time. It usually stems from an environment where "being wrong" came with consequences. How do you talk to yourself when you are wrong? Do you beat yourself up? Do you extend yourself grace?.

How do I talk to myself? Not in a very nice way. I beat myself up. I say things to myself, like once again I am wrong, I'm no good. I am hard on myself. We got yelled at a lot as kids when we were wrong.

You all want more. My childhood was all about if my parents did something for us we had to do something for them. I know it shouldn't be like that, but its so hard for me to undo. Even my one close buddy has said something to me. Example: my good friend and I work together. If I am tired he will see that and give me a red bull. The next I will bring him one back right away. He will say you don't have to get me one right away, If friends just can't help each other what good are we. Yet, when someone does me a favor I feel Like I have to return a favor or they will look at me like I am not a good person. Both my parents always did that to us. Parent example: my dad left his glasses upstairs, he would ask me to run upstairs and get his glasses. If I didn't he would say, then I am not taking you to your sports. This was constant in my house with both parents. You all tell me, would that be a factor in always being right? Or just other mental damage on me. lol

Originally Posted by kml
Quote
If you do this and she is a rational human being she will slowly start to meet your needs too.

Just want to point out - she may not be a rational human being (your GF).

And drinking before going to a child's game because she's "anxious"? Sounds like alcoholic behavior to me and very worrisome.

Also - get a second car seat. You shouldn't be home with your baby without a way to transport them to medical attention should the need arise.

I know everyone has been all over you for the mistakes you made in the past - not helpful now that you're where you are. Focusing on yourself is still the best thing you can do at present - not arguing and trying to be "right", speaking her love languages to her without expecting a tit for tat, etc. It may sill not work out because she may be an immature self-centered person who isn't capable of growing up, but if she is, this is your best chance.

Thank you for cutting me a little slack. She isn't an alcoholic. She only drinks on those occasions or when we go to dinner and she has a glass of wine. Which is rare because its so expensive. mostly eat at home. I am going to speak her love language without expecting anything in return.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Originally Posted by bttrfly
So the STFU Smoothie stand is now open for business. Wolfman, do you know what that means? I don't see that posted very much in the areas of the board that I frequent. It basically means take the cotton out of your ears, put it in your mouth and learn how to actively LISTEN. This is a pattern you have with your current gf, exw and also have talked about having with your daughter. I don't know if it's only with your female relationships, or if this also extends to your male friends/family members ... but I bet you do.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Go to therapy. For yourself, because you have hit a bottom with this behavior and sincerely want to improve yourself. Not because it will score you points with exw, daughter, gf, or people here.

Put the focus on yourself.

When you point at others, three fingers are coming back at you.

I could go on.

I'll end with this: it's really hard in this day and age to know what is the right role for male/female in any relationship. Nothing is as clear cut as my parents' generation when the woman took care of home and family and the guy was the breadwinner. Perhaps you would benefit from giving some sincere thought to what you expect your role and her role to be. Really dive deep into that exercise. Then ask her to do the same. Let her come to you when she's finished with her part in it. Really listen to her viewpoint, not with an agenda, but to sincerely learn her expectations.

That's a good start. Mach and others have made excellent points also. But buy the frequent flyer STFU smoothie card. Get it punched early and often. When it fills up, get another.

Hope this helps.
This does help. I am quick to just argue my point and be right. I need to actively listen and really HEAR what they are saying. Having a conversation about our roles might be a really good idea. I think we have very different expectations in this relationship. And like LH has pointed out so many times, lol, that I rushed into this relationship. He is absolutely correct I did, I was broken, not an excuse just explaining that I was not thinking. I am in this and I have to take responsibility and make this relationship right. Not for a week or a month but for longer, see how it goes.
I got my smoothie card and I am ready to start punching it in!!!lol


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I think we have very different expectations in this relationship.
What do you think are her expectations in this relationship and how do they differ from yours?

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I think we have very different expectations in this relationship.
What do you think are her expectations in this relationship and how do they differ from yours?
My expectations are this: I work and provide for the family, paying all the bills, take care of the outside of the home, assist with house work, assist with cooking, taking car of the baby. I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her. I tell her frequently what a great job she is doing. I would like her to keep the home clean, cook dinner, and intimacy at times.

I don't know what her expectations are. I really do not want to speculate since we never spoke about it.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I don’t mean to sound like negative Nancy here but it is alarming to me that y’all have a child together, cohabitate, and yet you’ve never had a conversation about expectations. That should’ve occurred on the front end to avoid a lot of what you are dealing with now. You describe a 1950s housewife in your expectations of both your role and hers. You want to be the big strong man and you want her to be the subservient little woman. That’s all well and good IF she’s on the same page. If not, it can create a huge chasm between you. I suggest y’all have that conversation ASAP so that you can start to move forward.

You say you don’t want to go to therapy anymore and that you want to just come here. With all due respect to all of the amazing posters and the stellar advice they give, none of us are licensed counselors and therapists (with a few exceptions). If you choose not to go to therapy, that’s certainly your choice, but I don’t think just relying on an anonymous site where we don’t know the actual full story is the way to go either. Just my opinion……


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard