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#2937883 09/25/22 07:19 PM
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Here is my precious post:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937882&page=1

I want to determine my next steps as I take action to be the man I need to be and respond appropriately to WW.

Currently in my way home from a great weekend away with a solid friend.

Interestingly, W made plans to hang out with this friends W this weekend after my friend’s W reached out to her saying, “Want to hang out while the men are away?”

This is the 3rd solid, pro marriage mature and wise friend that W has connected with this week.

Something she had been very reluctant to do until recently.

Rockon #2937884 09/25/22 11:27 PM
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I don’t want to drive her to the airport but am considering picking her up on return if she asks - not sure.

OMG just no.

Why on earth would you provide transport for someone who is going away to cheat on you? That makes no sense.

YOU CANT “NICE” HER BACK TO MARRIAGE.

You may think if you’re nice she’ll love you for your unconditional support. In reality, she’s going to think you’re weak as s**t and lose even more respect for you. Every time you are nice, weak and pathetic, your chance of reconciliation is much less.

As your thread title suggests, it’s time for action. And by action I don’t mean to force her hand or bully her, but action to stand up for yourself and stop this person from treating you like absolute cr*p.

What if your best male friend phoned you, told you his wife was going on a holiday to bang her AP, and he was thinking of picking her up from the airport. What would you say to him?

The following is just my personal opinion, and I guess it doesn’t align with DB principles and I may get flamed, but it’s my opinion nonetheless…. If I were you, I’d offer to drive her to the airport and as she gets out of the car, encourage her not to come back, tell her you’re changing the locks and that her things will be in storage when she returns… oh and here’s my lawyers business card. BON VOYAGE!

You need to work on self love and self respect at IC. Next IC appointment, make this your number one priority and ask for them to help you with this.

Hang in there Rockon. We know it’s hard. Sending lots of love!

Rockon #2937887 09/26/22 03:23 AM
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Thank you Kind

Kind18 #2937890 09/26/22 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Kind18
Quote
I don’t want to drive her to the airport but am considering picking her up on return if she asks - not sure.

OMG just no.

Why on earth would you provide transport for someone who is going away to cheat on you? That makes no sense.

YOU CANT “NICE” HER BACK TO MARRIAGE.

You may think if you’re nice she’ll love you for your unconditional support. In reality, she’s going to think you’re weak as s**t and lose even more respect for you. Every time you are nice, weak and pathetic, your chance of reconciliation is much less.

As your thread title suggests, it’s time for action. And by action I don’t mean to force her hand or bully her, but action to stand up for yourself and stop this person from treating you like absolute cr*p.

What if your best male friend phoned you, told you his wife was going on a holiday to bang her AP, and he was thinking of picking her up from the airport. What would you say to him?

The following is just my personal opinion, and I guess it doesn’t align with DB principles and I may get flamed, but it’s my opinion nonetheless…. If I were you, I’d offer to drive her to the airport and as she gets out of the car, encourage her not to come back, tell her you’re changing the locks and that her things will be in storage when she returns… oh and here’s my lawyers business card. BON VOYAGE!

You need to work on self love and self respect at IC. Next IC appointment, make this your number one priority and ask for them to help you with this.

Hang in there Rockon. We know it’s hard. Sending lots of love!

Ok so picking her up from the airport while away with a/p not a good idea.

Kind’s idea while better not a good idea right now. You are not there yet but that is where this journey is going to take you.

Eventually as you continue to make changes and improve yourself you will start to understand your value as a person and you will no longer tolerate this kind of behavior.

Unfortunately like most of us here you will have to learn the hard way. Right now you believe your W is the most wonderful woman in the world and you can’t live without her. This will change in time and you will begin to see the person she really is right now. It’s just up to you how long this ride takes until you decide you want to get off the roller coaster.

Rockon #2937893 09/26/22 02:42 PM
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I’m getting closer to jumping off the coaster in some ways and you members telling me like it is helps . It’s taking the action that aligns with my conscience and honestly appraising reality that needs to happen.

In the meantime, maybe as a result of my steps (baby steps maybe) of LRT, as well as W experiencing some consequences and reality check’s herself, her reaching out to solid long term pro marriage friends, and also some negative feedback from our kids concerning her behaviours, she is voicing more dissatisfaction with what is transpiring. And she is acting les entitled, more humble and apologizing for her actions.

She told me last night that our son called and tore a strip off her. He has been conveying a lot of respect to me. She asked me to help her access a new more helpful therapist.

Baby steps. And I need to stay the course. Strengthen myself and take appropriate action.

Rockon #2937894 09/26/22 03:00 PM
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Yeah not your circus not your monkeys. She needs to come out of this on her own and finding her own therapist.

What consequences do you think your W might face?

LH19 #2937895 09/26/22 03:22 PM
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She responded to daughter’s invitation for W to come with some of her long time solid friends to a womens retreat in the spring with, “If I have any friends left.”

She is voicing a lot of stress. Said “it’s really hard living at her moms.” Her health is suffering. She is feeling estranged from our kids. She is worried about finances, credit rating, vehicle maintenance.

She told me in the summer, “this is really really difficult it goes against my core beliefs.

Some consequences that I am not trying to fix for her

Rockon #2937896 09/26/22 03:23 PM
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Stop looking over your shoulder to see where she is....


She is never going to 'miss' something that she hasn't lost....

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Rockon #2937897 09/26/22 03:31 PM
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The most wasted time in human history is trying to figure out what a WS is thinking.

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Kind18 #2937899 09/26/22 06:37 PM
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Rockon,
Originally Posted by Rockon
I don’t want to drive her to the airport but am considering picking her up on return if she asks - not sure.
Originally Posted by Kind18
The following is just my personal opinion, and I guess it doesn’t align with DB principles and I may get flamed, but it’s my opinion nonetheless…. If I were you, I’d offer to drive her to the airport and as she gets out of the car, encourage her not to come back, tell her you’re changing the locks and that her things will be in storage when she returns… oh and here’s my lawyers business card. BON VOYAGE!
Originally Posted by LH19
Kind’s idea while better not a good idea right now. You are not there yet but that is where this journey is going to take you.
Although Kind18's suggestion may not be "official DB'ing principles" and perhaps not a good idea right now - though if I'm being honest it really resonated with me - know this...in terms of your mindset you want to be a whole lot closer to Kind18's approach of dropping her off and handing her your L's card than your approach of picking her up from the airport after her romp with AP. That's the strong, confident, "good luck with that because I'm gonna have a great life regardless" mindset you need right now.

Originally Posted by Rockon
In the meantime, maybe as a result of my steps (baby steps maybe) of LRT, as well as W experiencing some consequences and reality check’s herself, her reaching out to solid long term pro marriage friends, and also some negative feedback from our kids concerning her behaviours, she is voicing more dissatisfaction with what is transpiring. And she is acting les entitled, more humble and apologizing for her actions.
Softening, meeting with pro-marriage friends, less entitled...etc. is all good. But A) make sure you're not reading too much into things and/or projecting your hopes onto her actions, and B) like Mach and LH say...you're better off spending your time focusing on yourself than worrying about her.

Originally Posted by Rockon
She told me last night that our son called and tore a strip off her. He has been conveying a lot of respect to me. She asked me to help her access a new more helpful therapist.
Make sure you're not discussing details with your kids and certainly not encouraging them to pressure her on your behalf. They're going to figure out what's up on their own without your help, and your W won't appreciate you recruiting them to your cause.

Last edited by BL42; 09/26/22 06:39 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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