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DW17 #2938136 10/04/22 08:34 PM
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I’ve got 2 L consultations scheduled for next Monday. And I’ve kept a record of each day since it was recommended here and I did describe the text message/”argument” situation in detail. That was really eye opening for me. The language seemed calculated. I never yelled/touched/or came within a few feet of her and left when asked. Trying to validate her feelings made it look even worse. Live and learn I guess.

When W got home from work yesterday, she informed me that she will be buying a bed and moving downstairs rather than moving into her friend’s house. She told D18 that it is because she cannot leave her kids. She also stated that she will be getting help from her friend to start the legal separation process while we figure out what to do with the house.

Then she started in with her tornado of thoughts/feelings/accusations – She was ready to move on when we came back from out of state but only stayed because I asked and she puts my needs above hers, because she stayed she is in a much worse mental state and she should have left earlier, she didn’t do anything wrong, I’m mentally abusive, if I wanted to stay with her I should have shown more sympathy, she cried then flipped to angry on a dime, etc. I mostly stayed quiet. She tried taking the conversation in directions I refused to go, so I told her this was not an appropriate time to discuss these things. She basically did all of the things I’ve learned here to expect from her. I did not escalate anything and barely engaged.

As Kind18 suggested, I asked myself why I want to be with W.

#1 is to ensure D4 lives the best life possible. That is literally the exact reason we chose to adopt – to give a child the best life possible. That is the single hardest part of this situation for me.

#2 is because I know W will need someone around her who actually understands her situation (past/present) to help her if she ever moves on from whatever is going on in her head right now. I am confident that her circle of friends/family/AP are incapable of that. I am being fired from that job right now and it is entirely out of my control if I get rehired. I may not even want that job in the future. I don’t even know if I want it today. But I know I will be hurt if she hits rock bottom and has nowhere else to turn. Maybe this is attachment still. I'm not sure. It'll be hard to stop caring about someone though, especially after 22 years.

I feel weirdly comfortable with everything right now. I have a tendency to overreact to or overanalyze individual things, but yesterday was the first time I think I truly thought about things from the perspective of a separated couple rather than a man trying to save his marriage. I reread my whole thread and you guys have been great with the help. It’s time to take your advice and start posting about my attempts at GAL and what’s going on with me. I’ll ask for guidance as needed, but I feel like you guys have me on the right path. Thanks!


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:20 D:19 D:4
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2938138 10/04/22 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
It’s time to take your advice and start posting about my attempts at GAL and what’s going on with me.
Make the master bedroom manly. Big picture of motorcycles, or boats, ect. Go buy a manly bedspread that you like. New sheets.

Check out LFA on youtube.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2938141 10/04/22 09:21 PM
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Good recommendation on LFA, thanks.

DW, sorry to hear about your story. I did the same thing, just with no kids.

Take advantage of this time. You're stronger than you know.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
DW17 #2938144 10/04/22 11:28 PM
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DW17,
Originally Posted by DW17
I’ve got 2 L consultations scheduled for next Monday.
Good! Those consultations can't come soon enough.

Originally Posted by DW17
And I’ve kept a record of each day since it was recommended here and I did describe the text message/”argument” situation in detail.
Smart.

Originally Posted by DW17
The language seemed calculated.
Yes. I'd be very wary about that language.

Originally Posted by DW17
She told D18 that it is because she cannot leave her kids.
D18 isn't an idiot. She knows exactly what your W is up to.

Originally Posted by DW17
Then she started in with her tornado of thoughts/feelings/accusations
She can't possibility be responsible for her own unhappiness and her own bad actions. It has to be someone else. Who better to blame but her spouse? She's projecting her guilt and anger onto you.

Originally Posted by DW17
she puts my needs above hers
She's not going to put anyone's needs above her own right now - not her spouses, not her children. It's all about her right now. WS is the definition of selfishness.

Originally Posted by DW17
I’m mentally abusive
She is gaslighting you. DO NOT believe her BS. Do not allow her to make you blame yourself for her bad actions. She is having an affair (not her first). She is staying out all night drinking while her children are at home. That is not on you. You may have made mistakes and not been perfect - no one is - but don't believe you're to blame for her affair and her mental state.

Originally Posted by DW17
I mostly stayed quiet.
Originally Posted by DW17
I did not escalate anything and barely engaged.
Good. Don't be afraid to end it and walk away if she's lying, gaslighting, and manipulating. It's OK to stand up for yourself - you doing that isn't going to be the reason she leaves.

Originally Posted by DW17
#1 is to ensure D4 lives the best life possible. That is literally the exact reason we chose to adopt – to give a child the best life possible. That is the single hardest part of this situation for me.
I hear you on D4. Unfortunately that's entirely out of your hands. The only thing you can do is accept that, and be the best dad for D4 you can, regardless of W's decisions.

Originally Posted by DW17
But I know I will be hurt if she hits rock bottom and has nowhere else to turn.
Hitting rock bottom just might be the only way she'll change course. You can't stop her from taking this path.

Originally Posted by DW17
Maybe this is attachment still. I'm not sure. It'll be hard to stop caring about someone though, especially after 22 years.
Understandable. 22 years is a long time. Detachment is a process. It'll take time. Actually, it would be odd if you could 100% detach on a dime.

Originally Posted by DW17
I feel weirdly comfortable with everything right now.
Good! That's great. However, prepare yourself that things will come in waves. You've got a lot to process through over the next few years. You'll feel good and strong at times, and sad and lonely and angry at others. Just know that. The key is you're trending upwards.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
DW17 #2938168 10/05/22 02:11 PM
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DW, I cycled between feeling comfortable and fine with whatever happened, to almost panic attacks about losing my marriage. And every point in between. So just realize that the rollercoaster is real. Resolve to never make decisions based on pure emotions.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
DW, I cycled between feeling comfortable and fine with whatever happened, to almost panic attacks about losing my marriage. And every point in between. So just realize that the rollercoaster is real. Resolve to never make decisions based on pure emotions.

@SteveLW, I had asked you in your thread. Are you taking about now or the situation before piecing?

@DW17, many things in your sitch is not dissimilar to mine. But you are going through more difficulty as your WW is not just displaying classic behaviors (gaslighting, manipulating, deliberating disrespecting) but the enormity of her affair, night outs etc is a lot to handle. Hang in there. Great that you are having an honest discussion with yourself. Stay strong and GAL GAL GAL.

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DW17 #2938170 10/05/22 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
#2 is because I know W will need someone around her who actually understands her situation (past/present) to help her if she ever moves on from whatever is going on in her head right now. I am confident that her circle of friends/family/AP are incapable of that. I am being fired from that job right now and it is entirely out of my control if I get rehired. I may not even want that job in the future. I don’t even know if I want it today. But I know I will be hurt if she hits rock bottom and has nowhere else to turn. Maybe this is attachment still. I'm not sure. It'll be hard to stop caring about someone though, especially after 22 years.

Detaching from the madness is not the same as not caring...

You can still love her from a distance. Yet still not allow her to dictate your emotions to you.

Letting her own her crap, and watching from a safe distance is whats best for YOU...

All of that may or may not happen...

She may allow you to see it IF it does happen...

However, you can't get caught up in the when, where, how, who, and if of that...

She's spinning right now, grasping at straws trying to lay her problems at your feet...

I can't see one reason why you should both be spinning.

The more conflicted she feels, the more fuel (anger) she is going to burn trying to get away.

Don't buy any of it right now. Recognize what it is and how it affects you.

She has to do this....you can't do it for her.

You can't fix any of this for her. And that goes against the normal male behavioral pattern. We are by nature...'fixers' ....

You are gonna fight that urge more than anything else.



When, and if she is ready, you'll know





Originally Posted by DW17
I feel weirdly comfortable with everything right now. I have a tendency to overreact to or overanalyze individual things, but yesterday was the first time I think I truly thought about things from the perspective of a separated couple rather than a man trying to save his marriage. I reread my whole thread and you guys have been great with the help. It’s time to take your advice and start posting about my attempts at GAL and what’s going on with me. I’ll ask for guidance as needed, but I feel like you guys have me on the right path. Thanks!


It's the bounce...

One minute you are up, the next you feel like a dump truck is parked on you...

Know that it's gonna happen, and let the good times propel you through the rough times...


That's why GAL is important. You hopefully will distract yourself so much that you aren't sitting around dwelling on your situation.

GAL is also a fake it until you make it. Some of your GAL will stick with you, some will fall away in time. The trick is to try it all. Face your fears, and do the stuff you have always said you would never do.. yet secretly always wanted to do...

You also need to set some self goals, ones that do not include her or your situation. Some small goals just for you.


What are some things for you ??

1-turkish bath house
2-
3-
4-
5-


I started it for you. I know LH loved this one

: )

DW17 #2938217 10/06/22 08:27 PM
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Gearing up for the weekend and trying to finalize a few plans. Thanks as always for the support here. Quick update before I get to my own activities.

Since my last post, W has been adamant about taking care of D4 to the point of not really allowing me to do much. She stated that D4 is her child and her responsibility. She is concerned about me stealing D4 away from her. She has insisted on picking her up from school each day and we are taking separate cars to soccer games/practices. Her reasoning for separate cars is that I told her I didn’t want to be in the car with her texting AP the entire time (during my slip up the other morning). I got what I asked for and I’m happy with it. The weird thing about the new found child caring is that W hasn’t taken care of daily responsibilities for D4 in 4 full months. I don’t know what flipped that particular switch – fear, regret, D4’s attachment to me, a conversation with someone, attorney, etc, but I will bring this up in the consultations on Mon for advice in the event W tries to actually prevent me from doing things for D4.

I informed W I won’t be going to the pumpkin patch next weekend with her cousin’s family a few hours away, which is hard because it’s a thing I look forward to each year and I love her cousin’s family as much as my own. Her cousin might be the only person in both our lives that has always had unconditional support for us and our kids. W said we have to figure out things for the kids and I should be there. Her cousin will be crushed whenever she finds out our sitch, so I think that’s why she wants me to go. Still thinking it over but leaning toward not going.

Lastly, W hasn’t progressed with or mentioned getting a bed for downstairs. Nor has she said anything about legal separation paperwork. And she’s been mostly nice the past 2 days, trying to initiate friendly conversations, texting me this morning that she hopes I have a good day and getting frustrated when I “ignore” her. I’ve been keeping my words short and generally just avoiding her, but not trying to be rude with my responses. I view this as the next stop on her wheel of emotions and will not react to it one way or another.

Now for me, I’ve got a 4 day weekend due to a dentist appt & holiday and I’m filling it up as much as possible. Got a few things planned with the kids, going to my dad’s for his bday, and trying to iron out some plans with friends. I am going to a Halloween party at the end of the month and I will hopefully have an upcoming soccer match to get tickets for, pending results of the next game. Playoff baseball is around the corner and a friend reached out to go watch games somewhere. Game times don’t work for the first series, so hopefully our team advances. And I have my bday coming up soon, so trying to make plans there as well. I’m staying in contact with as many people as possible and things are slowly filling in my schedule. It’s a start, but it’d be nice to have more concrete plans.

As for the self-goals, I did look into Turkish bath houses. Might try that on my bday. Not sure yet, but I did find the place I will go to, it’s just a matter of when and with whom.

1 – Turkish bath house (the one I found is actually Russian, but close enough)
2 – There’s a small mountain nearby I want to hike to the top of
3 – Hit my current weight goal (8lbs to go) by the end of the month
4 – Reconnect with at least 2 more friends and make plans with them
5 – Run a 10k that’s coming up next month

These all seem like easily achievable goals in the near future. Thanks for the suggestion Mach1.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:20 D:19 D:4
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2938221 10/06/22 11:03 PM
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I like everything about this update - except her trying to keep D4 away from you.

Someone (friend/lawyer) has been in her ear about child support payments and that it’s in her financial interests that she get maximum custody of D4.

You need to reverse that trend ASAP. Maximise time and interaction with D4, including doing lots of fun things so she enjoys spending time with you. I’ve seen this a hundred times with my friends - sudden changes in care arrangements is ALWAYS related to a WAW/WW wanting to maximise how much money they can take from you during divorce.

I’m not saying you have to… but have you thought about buying the downstairs bed for her? Something to consider. I know I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as someone engaging in an affair.

DW17 #2938258 10/07/22 05:11 PM
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Kind18 - No I haven't thought about buying the bed for her, but I'll consider it. I've been maximizing my time with D4 for the past few months and it's been great. She's an awesome kid and fun to hang out with which makes it even easier. Even though we took separate cars, I played with her D4 during D6's practice (D6 was our previous foster child - we signed her up for and take her to soccer) and I played with her at D18's game yesterday. And I did get her ready for school today. So aside from W insisting on driving D4 around, it seems like the rest (getting her dressed, baths, etc) may have been a one-off. That didn't take long, but these daily emotional changes are obnoxious.

A few days ago W and I talked about going to the bank today to split out accounts. W originally agreed, but when reminded this morning she said she didn't know if she would go. I hope she does because it's a pain to change my direct deposit at my work. Last time I had to it got messed up and I missed 3 paychecks. The bank said I can't kick her off of my account without her there. I believe I can take myself off of her account though.

This morning W complimented me before work, randomly asked to see my phone (I pivoted to getting D4 ready for school) she sent me another "have a wonderful day" message (she hadn't said this once prior to this week), and sent a random selfie from work that I did not reply to. It feels like she’s trying to pull me back in, but you guys said to expect this and I'm not getting sucked back into her web. I'll continue to keep my responses short, try to follow the advice I've been getting and stay as busy as I can this weekend. It’s helpful when the things you tell me to expect play out in reality. Makes it easier to see what’s actually happening and prevent me from misinterpreting things.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:20 D:19 D:4
BD:7/2022
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