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Gerda Offline OP
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I am not actually intending to post anymore, at least not at the moment, but I wanted to leave an open thread in case any old friends want to find me over the years.

Sometimes I have wanted to post to old friends with closed threads, even if I don't think they will ever see it, like a cave drawing left for the ages to find.

My last one was --

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63219&Number=2915110#Post2915110

Maybe once in a while I will post an update. Today I will only say this:

The journey you are on is not to save your marriage. I thought that too, I made my marriage an idol and thought if I didn't fix it, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But walking in the light doesn't mean avoiding the darkness. Someone who lives through a war isn't at fault for not always having enough to feed her children. All we can do is lead a life full of light no matter what circumstances come our way. That's the path I am on. And my path is very very difficult, but I am not unhappy. The journey is not to get your marriage back. It's to walk in the light until you get your marriage back or to walk in the light without your marriage back. The marriage is almost irrelevant, and until your spouse thinks the marriage is relevant to who s/he is, you will not get it back anyway. But you can be the person you are meant to be whether or not that happens. Your journey is to discover why you are here on this earth. I believe God created marriage to help us become our best selves. He created some other things to do that as well, and He even uses the awful things we do to each other to help us become our best selves, when we open our hearts and listen and walk a better path and give light and love to others no matter what happened to us. I am a wounded weirdo with many flaws and I made and make many mistakes, but I can see that this is the goal for my life, and I see that it is possible to walk in love even when I fall off that path at times, especially when falling off is because of my own wounds.

I am listening to the book, "What Happened to You?" with Oprah and a neuroscientist who is a child psychiatrist as well. It is life changing and explains so much of why I was drawn to my H to begin with. It has already helped me be a better mom to my kids. I recommend it to anyone reading this!

From the end of "The Snow Queen." I did walk through the door, just not with little Kay. Or perhaps with the real little Kay, I know Someone is walking with me.

“You are a fine fellow to go gadding about in this way,” said she to little Kay, “I should like to know whether you deserve that any one should go to the end of the world to find you.”

But Gerda patted her cheeks, and asked after the prince and princess.

“They are gone to foreign countries,” said the robber-girl.

“And the crow?” asked Gerda.

“Oh, the crow is dead,” she replied; “his tame sweetheart is now a widow, and wears a bit of black worsted round her leg. She mourns very pitifully, but it is all stuff. But now tell me how you managed to get him back.”

Then Gerda and Kay told her all about it.

“Snip, snap, snare! it’s all right at last,” said the robber-girl.

Then she took both their hands, and promised that if ever she should pass through the town, she would call and pay them a visit. And then she rode away into the wide world. But Gerda and Kay went hand-in-hand towards home; and as they advanced, spring appeared more lovely with its green verdure and its beautiful flowers. Very soon they recognized the large town where they lived, and the tall steeples of the churches, in which the sweet bells were ringing a merry peal as they entered it, and found their way to their grandmother’s door. They went upstairs into the little room, where all looked just as it used to do. The old clock was going “tick, tick,” and the hands pointed to the time of day, but as they passed through the door into the room they perceived that they were both grown up, and become a man and woman. The roses out on the roof were in full bloom, and peeped in at the window; and there stood the little chairs, on which they had sat when children; and Kay and Gerda seated themselves each on their own chair, and held each other by the hand, while the cold empty grandeur of the Snow Queen’s palace vanished from their memories like a painful dream.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/21/22 06:05 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Gerda

I am glad to see an update from you. Plenty of hard-earned wisdom there.

I’d love to hear how you made out with the cabin.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Dear Gerda, so good to hear from you. Looks your are doing quite well.
Just keep posting once in a while. xxx


Me (44) EXH (43)
M:15 T:18, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 08/22 OW2
03/22 - Divorce official/home sold/I let go
07/22 - New home/New life but Good life!
06/22 - Slowly reconnecting
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Gerda Offline OP
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I was thinking about posting a really short update. It seems so daunting.

My new judge continued to be horrific. H filed another "emergency" contempt motion to get emergency alimony and for me to pay his legal bills. I was supposed to be paying advances on his equity, way back when, when I signed an agreement that was supposed to last 6 months. It has been three years and Covid shut everything down here for a year, so obviously I could not pay the full amount for a while and I finally stopped paying anything a year or so ago as it was clear he was never going to follow through on the rest of the agreement -- allowing me to refinance, do a buy out and be done with everything. Our new judge for whatever reason never read my papers and again found me in contempt and said I had to pay his legal bill! It was such a dark day. My L said that she was in open violation of the law, that she clearly hadn't read our papers, etc. He thought she was trying to bully me into a settlement but there is already a settlement that H won't enact. He was going to appeal but then we got a trial date with a different judge, so he thought we should just make up the loss at trial. This will be my third judge. L said he knows this judge and that he is a fair, smart and reasonable man. Both of my other judges were women, and I am all for women power, but I believe that these two women are trying so hard to show they are not biased toward women that they never really did their job. I had finally started to make headway with Judge 1 when they moved us to Judge 2, but I think she thought she would finally force us into something, I am not sure what. She refused to give me interim child support, refused to make H file accurate tax returns or provide financial info, it was truly weird. But her making me pay for his lawyer was really traumatic for me. It started me on a path though, to realize that my response to everything has been trauma-based. So I have been researching trauma and it is quite eye-opening.

In fact, it did make me think of the many times my dear friend DnJ and I disagreed about detachment and such things. I realized that we were actually talking different languages without realizing it. I was not capable of the responses people talk about here. My body is in a state of panic and terror most of the time, and it's old, it's from childhood. The years with H just reinforced it all, and this four year divorce nightmare was like a revisit to the torture chamber.

I am trying to work on it but I have a feeling that it will be hard to make any headway until the trial is over and I don't have to prepare myself for that attack anymore.

So I'm still the sole provider of the kids, working lots of jobs and trying to start my new life more devoted to art and the house flipping thing. I am actually doing both of those things, not as much as I want or with enough budget/time, but bits and pieces as I try to get loose from H's clutches. I have a lot of moments of joy in between and feel confident about my vision for myself but I am definitely held back by the trauma, by my body keeping the score. So that's what I am working on now.

H is, BTW, on Soulmate Three. He even got her to "save" him by becoming a partner at his restaurant. So she is doing exactly what I did, ensuring he gets his dream because she feels so bad for him being so wronged by others. In my case, I was fixing the wrongs of his parents. I guess she is fixing the wrongs committed by his evil STBXW, Brave Little Gerda. He doesn't even have an apartment anymore, just lives with Soulmate 3 and tells my kids that "Mama is keeping me homeless" though I am only waiting on him to accept the buyout we agreed on and that the court has ordered three times. My son is working there and my D going there, and both constantly saying bad things about him and yet being pulled over there. It's also like Disneyworld in a way, compared to my house. But I notice that they always feel safe here, always want to return, and always trust me to take care of them, none of which are the case with H. It's not that I want them to hate him, not at all, but I do want them to see clearly so that they can protect themselves.

Leaving a lot out but that's all for now. Love to all my friends here and hope you are all well. Job, loved your post. DnJ, congrats on the promotion! Even in retirement, you are getting promoted here on the boards. I owe you updates on the cottage rehab -- like my divorce, it's never ending but almost there.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/04/22 08:50 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jan 2018
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Good Morning Gerda

It is wonderful to hear from you.

So glad to see your kids happy. You are the safe parent, providing a safe nurturing home for them.

Wow, H is on to soulmate #3. Such a lost soul he is. Foundations of sand require much constant upkeep. Relationships built upon deceitful ways are indeed on shaky ground.

You sound busy. Lots of jobs and yet fitting in some art and house flipping. Oh, and that prolonged divorce. I so hope judge #3 can wrap this up for you. It’s great to hear your confidence in your future and vision; and you enjoying the present.

Thank you for the acknowledgement and congratulation of my new duties. Interesting the series of events that brought that about.

Take care my friend.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.

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