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Gerda Offline OP
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I am not actually intending to post anymore, at least not at the moment, but I wanted to leave an open thread in case any old friends want to find me over the years.

Sometimes I have wanted to post to old friends with closed threads, even if I don't think they will ever see it, like a cave drawing left for the ages to find.

My last one was --

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63219&Number=2915110#Post2915110

Maybe once in a while I will post an update. Today I will only say this:

The journey you are on is not to save your marriage. I thought that too, I made my marriage an idol and thought if I didn't fix it, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But walking in the light doesn't mean avoiding the darkness. Someone who lives through a war isn't at fault for not always having enough to feed her children. All we can do is lead a life full of light no matter what circumstances come our way. That's the path I am on. And my path is very very difficult, but I am not unhappy. The journey is not to get your marriage back. It's to walk in the light until you get your marriage back or to walk in the light without your marriage back. The marriage is almost irrelevant, and until your spouse thinks the marriage is relevant to who s/he is, you will not get it back anyway. But you can be the person you are meant to be whether or not that happens. Your journey is to discover why you are here on this earth. I believe God created marriage to help us become our best selves. He created some other things to do that as well, and He even uses the awful things we do to each other to help us become our best selves, when we open our hearts and listen and walk a better path and give light and love to others no matter what happened to us. I am a wounded weirdo with many flaws and I made and make many mistakes, but I can see that this is the goal for my life, and I see that it is possible to walk in love even when I fall off that path at times, especially when falling off is because of my own wounds.

I am listening to the book, "What Happened to You?" with Oprah and a neuroscientist who is a child psychiatrist as well. It is life changing and explains so much of why I was drawn to my H to begin with. It has already helped me be a better mom to my kids. I recommend it to anyone reading this!

From the end of "The Snow Queen." I did walk through the door, just not with little Kay. Or perhaps with the real little Kay, I know Someone is walking with me.

“You are a fine fellow to go gadding about in this way,” said she to little Kay, “I should like to know whether you deserve that any one should go to the end of the world to find you.”

But Gerda patted her cheeks, and asked after the prince and princess.

“They are gone to foreign countries,” said the robber-girl.

“And the crow?” asked Gerda.

“Oh, the crow is dead,” she replied; “his tame sweetheart is now a widow, and wears a bit of black worsted round her leg. She mourns very pitifully, but it is all stuff. But now tell me how you managed to get him back.”

Then Gerda and Kay told her all about it.

“Snip, snap, snare! it’s all right at last,” said the robber-girl.

Then she took both their hands, and promised that if ever she should pass through the town, she would call and pay them a visit. And then she rode away into the wide world. But Gerda and Kay went hand-in-hand towards home; and as they advanced, spring appeared more lovely with its green verdure and its beautiful flowers. Very soon they recognized the large town where they lived, and the tall steeples of the churches, in which the sweet bells were ringing a merry peal as they entered it, and found their way to their grandmother’s door. They went upstairs into the little room, where all looked just as it used to do. The old clock was going “tick, tick,” and the hands pointed to the time of day, but as they passed through the door into the room they perceived that they were both grown up, and become a man and woman. The roses out on the roof were in full bloom, and peeped in at the window; and there stood the little chairs, on which they had sat when children; and Kay and Gerda seated themselves each on their own chair, and held each other by the hand, while the cold empty grandeur of the Snow Queen’s palace vanished from their memories like a painful dream.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/21/22 06:05 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Hello Gerda

I am glad to see an update from you. Plenty of hard-earned wisdom there.

I’d love to hear how you made out with the cabin.

D


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Dear Gerda, so good to hear from you. Looks your are doing quite well.
Just keep posting once in a while. xxx


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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I was thinking about posting a really short update. It seems so daunting.

My new judge continued to be horrific. H filed another "emergency" contempt motion to get emergency alimony and for me to pay his legal bills. I was supposed to be paying advances on his equity, way back when, when I signed an agreement that was supposed to last 6 months. It has been three years and Covid shut everything down here for a year, so obviously I could not pay the full amount for a while and I finally stopped paying anything a year or so ago as it was clear he was never going to follow through on the rest of the agreement -- allowing me to refinance, do a buy out and be done with everything. Our new judge for whatever reason never read my papers and again found me in contempt and said I had to pay his legal bill! It was such a dark day. My L said that she was in open violation of the law, that she clearly hadn't read our papers, etc. He thought she was trying to bully me into a settlement but there is already a settlement that H won't enact. He was going to appeal but then we got a trial date with a different judge, so he thought we should just make up the loss at trial. This will be my third judge. L said he knows this judge and that he is a fair, smart and reasonable man. Both of my other judges were women, and I am all for women power, but I believe that these two women are trying so hard to show they are not biased toward women that they never really did their job. I had finally started to make headway with Judge 1 when they moved us to Judge 2, but I think she thought she would finally force us into something, I am not sure what. She refused to give me interim child support, refused to make H file accurate tax returns or provide financial info, it was truly weird. But her making me pay for his lawyer was really traumatic for me. It started me on a path though, to realize that my response to everything has been trauma-based. So I have been researching trauma and it is quite eye-opening.

In fact, it did make me think of the many times my dear friend DnJ and I disagreed about detachment and such things. I realized that we were actually talking different languages without realizing it. I was not capable of the responses people talk about here. My body is in a state of panic and terror most of the time, and it's old, it's from childhood. The years with H just reinforced it all, and this four year divorce nightmare was like a revisit to the torture chamber.

I am trying to work on it but I have a feeling that it will be hard to make any headway until the trial is over and I don't have to prepare myself for that attack anymore.

So I'm still the sole provider of the kids, working lots of jobs and trying to start my new life more devoted to art and the house flipping thing. I am actually doing both of those things, not as much as I want or with enough budget/time, but bits and pieces as I try to get loose from H's clutches. I have a lot of moments of joy in between and feel confident about my vision for myself but I am definitely held back by the trauma, by my body keeping the score. So that's what I am working on now.

H is, BTW, on Soulmate Three. He even got her to "save" him by becoming a partner at his restaurant. So she is doing exactly what I did, ensuring he gets his dream because she feels so bad for him being so wronged by others. In my case, I was fixing the wrongs of his parents. I guess she is fixing the wrongs committed by his evil STBXW, Brave Little Gerda. He doesn't even have an apartment anymore, just lives with Soulmate 3 and tells my kids that "Mama is keeping me homeless" though I am only waiting on him to accept the buyout we agreed on and that the court has ordered three times. My son is working there and my D going there, and both constantly saying bad things about him and yet being pulled over there. It's also like Disneyworld in a way, compared to my house. But I notice that they always feel safe here, always want to return, and always trust me to take care of them, none of which are the case with H. It's not that I want them to hate him, not at all, but I do want them to see clearly so that they can protect themselves.

Leaving a lot out but that's all for now. Love to all my friends here and hope you are all well. Job, loved your post. DnJ, congrats on the promotion! Even in retirement, you are getting promoted here on the boards. I owe you updates on the cottage rehab -- like my divorce, it's never ending but almost there.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/04/22 08:50 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning Gerda

It is wonderful to hear from you.

So glad to see your kids happy. You are the safe parent, providing a safe nurturing home for them.

Wow, H is on to soulmate #3. Such a lost soul he is. Foundations of sand require much constant upkeep. Relationships built upon deceitful ways are indeed on shaky ground.

You sound busy. Lots of jobs and yet fitting in some art and house flipping. Oh, and that prolonged divorce. I so hope judge #3 can wrap this up for you. It’s great to hear your confidence in your future and vision; and you enjoying the present.

Thank you for the acknowledgement and congratulation of my new duties. Interesting the series of events that brought that about.

Take care my friend.

D


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Hello out there. Probably just to DnJ; you are the only one who ever posts on my thread! I hope you are well up in the frozen north looking out at some clear star night.

I have been struggling a lot mentally/emotionally these past months. My trial is in two weeks. H has been very busy. He filed two motions in the last four months. Judge Two (who made me long for Judge One) ignored the first one so he filed another. This last one he filed about a month before our trial, asking judge to put me in jail.

I've been without child support since H filed in 2018 and obviously had no help before then. I've wasted so much time and money and done everything I could to get free, offered to him on day one the very thing we have a court order to do, but which he won't do. This trial is totally pointless, and all this time has been spent on nothing. I've tried so many times to settle and it's like talking to a wall. Or an alligator? He doesn't want to settle. I just can't figure out what he thinks he can gain from trial. I don't think he understands what is actually possible and imagines that somehow he'll finally get "justice," but the issues actually referred to trial are very few. One of them is that I should have to refile our taxes and not give 1099's for rental income. This is literally on the directions of the 1099's with the IRS. There is nothing to argue about! So there is just not that much that can happen. I think H owes his lawyer about 200K that could have been used for my kids' college education. It's a burnt out wasteland.

I know intellectually that H can't do anything to me. He already did everything. Nothing can really change from this trial. The property is already settled, H just keeps refusing to appraise it so we can do a buy out. The worst outcome is judge giving me only 90 days to refi and giving H credit for some legal bills. The best outcome is giving me 6-12 months to refi and credit for my legal bills. Either way, I have to get child support, it's the law! This is a third judge (referee), and apparently he is much more fair than Judge One and Two. And since it's a trial, the judge will have to actually read all our papers and review the finances and DETERMINE CHILD SUPPORT, all things that I have never had from a judge before. (Also he is a man, and I am convinced my two women judges are the most brutal to women, trying to show they don't favor them.)

Either way once the trial is over, it's kind of unlikely H will keep filing these motions, as he will no longer entertain the insane hope that I will be ordered to cover all his legal bills.

So this is unpleasant and the endless motions make me feel horrible and always under attack (and wasting money!). But it's not like anything really that awful can happen. Losing my house would be really stupid and sad but it's not death. And everything else will be over. And yet, I am terrified all the time. I wake up constantly at night with heart racing and crazy thoughts, and find my brain is going over and over the same thoughts before I realize what is happening. I am very inefficient in my work, and just foggy and weird feeling all the time. I start crying out of nowhere a lot, and am constantly catching myself feeling this primordial terror and then trying to remind myself that nothing really is going to happen to me.

I am dreading being cross examined for four days by that evil evil lawyer of H. I am dreading having to hear his voice. (Still Zoom trials here.) I have no shred of feeling for the marriage anymore, obviously, no sadness about it ending, quite the opposite I just want to be free of this endless abuse-by-proxy and be able to live without a demon on my shoulder. I know that the trial is a doorway to that freedom. And yet I am terrified all the time. I'm still working as hard as ever to keep food on the table, still working on my art and my house stuff when time and money permit, doing all the college app stuff with S17, trying to navigate D13's 13-ness and even taking dance class finally again (and realizing that my body does not work like it used to!), but all the time I am carrying this dark shadow and just burst into tears even walking down the street sometimes. And thought I try to stay clear of it all, it's hard with S17 working at H's restaurant, and both S and D seeing him more and Soulmate Three always there and my kids getting all pretzled and confused when they return home, the damage just always is in full view, always raw and always local. And I have no contact with H at all, but there is this little pipeline always leaking poisoned oil into my brain.

So DnJ, I guess what I am doing is crying on your shoulder and asking for a few pats on the back.

Last edited by Gerda; 02/12/23 04:05 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning Gerda

Yes, all is well in my wee slice of heaven. The temperature has risen out of the -30s and it has been remaining around and a bit above freezing for the last few days. Very welcomed and enjoyed. Star gazing is much more comfortable when one’s exposed skin won’t freeze in under 60 seconds. Lol.

Later evening, and night time strolls, down the lane peering at the twinkling stars and bright planets always brings a calm and peaceful embrace. I find contemplating the vastness and one’s comparative insignificance somehow puts things into perspective. And there is a real sense of belonging and wonderment. A draw, or dare I say, a union with that which is much more than man.

I’m sorry with how much struggling you are having these past months. H is still continuing his long displayed irrational behaviour and filing motion after motion. Him asking to have you put in jail is just over the top. Rather frivolous and wasteful of the court’s resources, his pointless pursuit of all this. And yes, talking to H is presently akin to reasoning with an alligator.

Remember, and realize that. Alligator. You know the nature of an alligator and how they bite and strike. I’d add H’s lawyer to that definition as well.

Stay strong during the Zoom trial. Focus on your intellect. Lock in to that. This is a business deal gone sideways. Treat it as such.

I agree with you, there is little more H can actually do to you. It is likely, and actually the law, to get child support determined. Refinancing, alimony, legal costs, and such, hopefully will likewise come to a ruling, and this whole prolonged mess will conclude.

Originally Posted by Gerda
So this is unpleasant and the endless motions make me feel horrible and always under attack (and wasting money!). But it's not like anything really that awful can happen. Losing my house would be really stupid and sad but it's not death. And everything else will be over. And yet, I am terrified all the time. I wake up constantly at night with heart racing and crazy thoughts, and find my brain is going over and over the same thoughts before I realize what is happening. I am very inefficient in my work, and just foggy and weird feeling all the time. I start crying out of nowhere a lot, and am constantly catching myself feeling this primordial terror and then trying to remind myself that nothing really is going to happen to me.

(((Hug)))

Fear is not within the rational realm. It lives, and hides, within the emotional subconscious realm. Your unwanted responses are perfectly normal to the present triggers and attacks. Do realize, and I know you do smile , you are imagining future possibilities, an outcome, all of which hasn’t happened and is likely not to. Of course, that’s fear and the ensnaring and entangling which envelopes one.

Logic and reason. Sword and shield. You are not defenceless in such an onslaught. You have a strong a mind and soul. A brightly polished shield of which H’s attacks are mere glances. A sharp sword of which you cleave the triggers and coupling between present events and imagined outcomes. Fear shrinks and withers under such purposeful conscience rational illumination.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I'm still working as hard as ever to keep food on the table, still working on my art and my house stuff when time and money permit, doing all the college app stuff with S17, trying to navigate D13's 13-ness and even taking dance class finally again (and realizing that my body does not work like it used to!)

Congratulations on dance class! Ha, my body certainly isn’t as limber as it once was either.

Nice to hear S17 applying to college. Is he eager with a certain education, trade, or vocation?

Oh, 13-ness. Here’s another hug. (((Hug))). smile Teenagers.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I have no contact with H at all, but there is this little pipeline always leaking poisoned oil into my brain.

Old wounds getting ripped open, especially with the pending trial. I suspect once it is over you’ll better control that pipeline to your mind and heart. Well, more accept than control.

Originally Posted by Gerda
So DnJ, I guess what I am doing is crying on your shoulder and asking for a few pats on the back.

Totally ok. (((Hug))). I do care and hope and pray the best for you.

D


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gerda,

Originally Posted by Gerda
Judge Two (who made me long for Judge One) ignored the first one so he filed another.
How does a judge ignore a motion? Don't they have to rule on it?

Originally Posted by Gerda
This last one he filed about a month before our trial, asking judge to put me in jail.
Put you in jail on what grounds?

Originally Posted by Gerda
I've been without child support since H filed in 2018 and obviously had no help before then.
That's coming up on 5 years. Does your L think you'll get back pay?

Originally Posted by Gerda
I think H owes his lawyer about 200K that could have been used for my kids' college education. It's a burnt out wasteland.
$200K? Is that even possible? Seems absurd.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I know intellectually that H can't do anything to me. He already did everything.
Good! You've already been through the worst of it, so he no longer has power over you. There's nothing left to threaten with.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Either way, I have to get child support, it's the law!
Right. No getting around that.

Originally Posted by Gerda
This is a third judge (referee), and apparently he is much more fair than Judge One and Two. And since it's a trial, the judge will have to actually read all our papers and review the finances and DETERMINE CHILD SUPPORT, all things that I have never had from a judge before.
Glad you have a new more reasonable judge.

Originally Posted by Gerda
(Also he is a man, and I am convinced my two women judges are the most brutal to women, trying to show they don't favor them.)
Interesting. Wonder if you're on to something there.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I am dreading being cross examined for four days by that evil evil lawyer of H. I am dreading having to hear his voice.
Sounds like a royal pain, but don't let it hurt you.

Hang in there Gerda. "This too shall pass"


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Gerda,

I am so sorry that this saga continues. Your h is one of the few that has me scratching my head. He may be putting on the "irrational" behavior hat just to destroy you. He sounds like he is sly like a fox, but at the end of the day, you are the one that needs to remain strong and determined to get child support.

As we all know, a house is just a house and no matter where you live, it will become home to you and your children. Congrats to your son in focusing on colleges. He will do well. It's a shame that they come home a bit confused and out of sorts after visiting with their father.

Now, about that zoom call, sit down, make a list of questions and have them ready for that appointment. Whatever you do, remain calm and look that judge in the eye when questioned. This is a business deal that has gone terribly wrong and you do not want to show any emotion. Stay focused that day. Do not be afraid to ask questions, if they are permitted. Do not dread the cross examination as you do not have anything to hide. You've been more than fair and honest throughout this situation.

Hang in there Gerda. It's going to be okay and yes, this too shall pass. I pray that this will be the end of court dates and lawyers. Praying that your h finally ceases all of this nonsense.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey Gerda,

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It just never seems to end...but it will. It will end. The feelings you are having are only natural. You have been through so much. And having had things go the way they have, it's no wonder you are nervous. But there is also a very good chance that this time it will go better than the last two judges. Keep that in your mind to help you stay calm. You don't have anything to hide. Above all, stay rational and calm. Eventually, the alligator will show its teeth to the judge. Trust me.

During my divorce mediation, my XH provided the mediator with a last-minute document that did not put me in the best light. Honestly, it wasn't the truth but at that point, I was unable to respond. It didn't matter that it was false, it was that he was doing his best to make me look bad to try to gain an edge. I worried at first that the mediator believed what was written because he seemed pretty hard on me. But I remained calm and steady and unemotional. All our requests were rational and realistic and well, we acted professionally. After a while, he seemed to relax and seemed to be doing a fair job, and not like he was running me over or anything. However, after the finalization of the settlement, the mediator let me and my lawyer know that he saw my XH teeth and he wasn't impressed. So, even if it doesn't always look like people are seeing the bad behavior, they do. It's just their job to not let either of you know that they see it. So, even if you fear the worst, try to have faith that what you have provided in the documentation and your behavior shows that you have nothing to hide and that you are not the one playing games. And hope that your deal is a fair one. Unfortunately, you XH will never get what he deserves. Except with the help of Karma.

Sending you love and hugs and strength. You are amazing. You are strong. You are a wonderful mom. You don't deserve any of this, but you will get through it. It will come to an end and he will no longer have power over you. I promise.

Hugs,
El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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