Hey, I had a rather long thread on separation till the end. But, I do want to ask about a boundary, a mental health one. I am still going to have thoughts due to be around kids and grands, about my ex. But, one thing in due time, I dont want to know about her dating etc. What is the best way to tell her that telling me about who she may be dating is something I dont want to know about, without upsetting her (cause it does matter as it may reflect onto the adult kids) She has a couple times mentioned dating, but she isnt a bragger. She is pretty private, as well as a workaholic. Thnx in advance
Just be yourself and tell her kindly that you really don't want to discuss each other's personal lives now that you're divorced. You hope she's happy, but you don't need or want to know anything else.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Just be yourself and tell her kindly that you really don't want to discuss each other's personal lives now that you're divorced. You hope she's happy, but you don't need or want to know anything else.
Yeah, it really is that simple...
Hey, you know, I was thinking of how I don't want to have discussions about what I am doing in my life, and who I am dating with you. So maybe we could BOTH feel that way, and I don't have to have discussions about yours either ? .....I'm glad that you are finding happiness, yet it doesn't serve me to hear about your adventures in dating.
This may just be me, but I’d leave out the middle sentence about maybe we could both feel this way. It isn’t on you to tell her how to feel. Honestly, if my xh said that to me, it would irritate the crap out of me and I’d probably respond defensively. Just tell her how you feel (which you do control), that you’re happy she is finding happiness, but you’d prefer not to discuss personal things because it just doesn’t serve you well to hear about her dating life.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Just be yourself and tell her kindly that you really don't want to discuss each other's personal lives now that you're divorced. You hope she's happy, but you don't need or want to know anything else.
Yeah, it really is that simple...
Hey, you know, I was thinking of how I don't want to have discussions about what I am doing in my life, and who I am dating with you. So maybe we could BOTH feel that way, and I don't have to have discussions about yours either ? .....I'm glad that you are finding happiness, yet it doesn't serve me to hear about your adventures in dating.
Soo wordy. If/When she brings it up.
"Hey I'm not comfortable talking about dating with you"
You don't need to send a text out of the blue... in fact.. you might want to consider setting a boundary on yourself about only doing short conversations keeping it all business about the kids - if you haven't already.
There are polite ways to exit the conversation.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Kinda related. Todays my B Day, and she set up a dinner. She sent me a birthday card with a gift card inside and wished me a Happy Birthday. Kind of angry maybe because I'm alone.. I will have lunch with my daughter today and I will see my oldest daughter later in the afternoon. Is it normal to be angry.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy birthday Mach40! Hope you have a wonderful time meeting up with your daughters.
My guess, and it's just that, is that ExW is probably trying to be "nice" - or maybe out of habit for all those years - not thinking of the pain/anger/emotions it stirs up in you. I'd just say "thank you" and let it be.
And, yes...it's very normal to feel anger related to all this.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I’m not saying anger isn’t normal in all of this but I think I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying. You said she “set up a dinner” then you say she sent a card with a gift card in it. So did she actually make plans/arrangements for you for a meal or did she just send you the gift card? I’ll be honest, one of those would absolutely get my dander up big time, but the other would just be like ok, whatever. I’d be HOT if my XH set something up for me. On the other hand if he sent me a gift card, while I’d find it odd, I’d just say thanks and move on. Again, not saying anger isn’t normal. Situational maybe?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
