Stuck in limbo III

[LH19]

What's the latest Douggie Fresh?

[Doug54]

What's the latest Douggie Fresh?

Hey LH. Sorry for not responding to your bat signal right away...but thanks for checking in!

Things are going pretty well. I am generally happy with life and finally starting to get out of my own head, for the most part. IC, this forum, and the passage of time have been beneficial.

A few weeks ago I spearheaded a birthday party for S9. I ordered the invitations (he wasn't enamored with what local stores had on hand), filled them out, ordered the cake, bought and filled party favor bags, loaded up a pinata, and planned and ran kiddie games in the backyard. BL42 would have been proud. W had a good time as she's friends with some of the mothers who brought their kids, but I basically ran the whole show. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back but I'm increasingly confident I could thrive in the single dad role if and when the time comes.

I continue the trend from this summer of doing more with the kids than W. I think she feels a little guilty about it, but she appears to be neck deep in MLC mode, giving lots of attention to her appearance and running events. That said, we still live a largely normal domestic existence.

The other week, a twinge of annoyance got the best of me when W was bashing my parents (one of her favorite pastimes), and I blurted out, "So, are you getting an apartment, or what?" If you recall, back early in the summer W became enamored with the nesting idea after two of her old friends planned to try it. This was the first utterance of anything relationship-related from either of us since late July or early August with the MC. She seemed a bit taken aback and said, "No, I don't have any plans" and then followed me back to the bedroom and said, "We have a family." I tried to put the pin back in that grenade and moved on.

As Mach1 tends to say, MLCers are all over the place - up one minute and down the next. In my particular case, W has always been indecisive and sometimes paralyzed by big decisions. I really don't get a vibe that she's inclined to do anything. Which means I may have to lean into a big decision myself next summer if the status quo remains - how much of a diabetic coma from so much cake-eating am I willing to endure? LH, I can't help but again think about your wife coasting for a year before meeting OM2 through your daughter's friend. (How did you not beat that guy's @ss, by the way? You seem pretty alpha.)

Also, W still apparently plans to follow through with the breast augmentation this winter, so I may have to make a decision with the joint checking account and my direct deposit.

The younger two boys we have both generally continue to gravitate towards W as a sort of Parent A, so that also weighs on my mind as being the one to pull the trigger on a separation. Again, that's not on the front burner in any way other than me thinking about a drop-dead date.

Here are a few lines I try to keep in my head, that have helped:

"You can't give too much space in these situations" - LH19

"Who gives AF what W is up to - what have you been doing for yourself?" - LH and Mach

"If you're trying to save your marriage, there's likely going to be some cake-eating" - LH

All in all, it could definitely be worse.

[LH19]

Lol yeah fun bags is MLC 101 my ex got them 2 years before BD. Since it was half my money I asked for one in the divorce lol.

So om2 I suspected (she’s so obvious) but didn’t confirm until like 2 years ago. By the time I suspected om2 I was exhausted and wasn’t going through the ringer again.

I honestly think single parenting is easier. Your house your rules and you don’t have anyone over your shoulder micromanaging.

I can’t stress enough that you will be fine either way. One thing I would suggest is that you don’t let her just slide back into the marriage if it comes to it. She’s either all in or all out.

[BL42]

Doug54,

I'm not trying to pat myself on the back but I'm increasingly confident I could thrive in the single dad role if and when the time comes.

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. It's not easy at times but you can absolutely crush it as a single dad if needed.

I continue the trend from this summer of doing more with the kids than W.

Keep being the best dad you can be and you're kids will remember and appreciate it.

I blurted out, "So, are you getting an apartment, or what?"

Probably not the best DB'ing, but certainly understand the frustration - who knows, maybe it'll get W wondering.

She seemed a bit taken aback and said, "No, I don't have any plans" and then followed me back to the bedroom and said, "We have a family."

Interesting. But remember, believe her actions not her words.

LH, I can't help but again think about your wife coasting for a year before meeting OM2 through your daughter's friend. (How did you not beat that guy's @ss, by the way? You seem pretty alpha.)

Yeah...had to be tempting. If the laws weren't so "civilized" these days wonder if less BS would happen.

Also, W still apparently plans to follow through with the breast augmentation this winter, so I may have to make a decision with the joint checking account and my direct deposit.

Lol yeah fun bags is MLC 101 my ex got them 2 years before BD. Since it was half my money I asked for one in the divorce lol.

LH - Did you get compensated for them in the divorce?!? Seems like a no brainer if it happens not long before filing, but if the timeline is longer not sure how the law handles that.

I honestly think single parenting is easier. Your house your rules and you don’t have anyone over your shoulder micromanaging.

Not sure if I'd call it easier, but there are certainly pros.

I can’t stress enough that you will be fine either way. One thing I would suggest is that you don’t let her just slide back into the marriage if it comes to it. She’s either all in or all out.

^Yep

[LH19]

Hey Doug,

How was Halloween?

[Doug54]

Hey Doug,

How was Halloween?

Hey LH. Halloween was pretty good. Took the younger kids trick or treating with W. The weekend immediately prior to Halloween night, I traveled a few states away with my brothers and two of my sons to a bucket list haunted attraction. The fright factor turned out to be a little disappointing, but it was a fun trip nonetheless. How was Halloween for you? Did you get plastered?

Things at home feel decent. W and I interact and talk more. I really don't get a vibe that she's playing 4-dimensional chess and is suddenly going to change her demeanor and push for divorce. What to chalk that up to? Perhaps passage of time and the 180s I've been consistent with, primarily giving her space. I suppose it's a victory in that almost everyone who winds up at this site hopes to save their marriage. Of course, a.) I can't predict the future and b.) I wouldn't say the marriage is where I want it to be.

I've toyed around with the thought of a drop-dead date next summer. It would be a big decision and I don't know (as of now) if I'd have the wherewithal to napalm the family. Yet, I can't go on forever not really doing much with my spouse. Like, what's the point? Yeah, we're still active in the bedroom, but I mean things like trips or "dates." And of course, the phone passcode and night time "homework" for a couple hours remains. It's a tough one because I've certainly read many of the situations on this board and can't really label my own as a particularly bad one.

Any thoughts on how I should initiate movement if and when the time comes?

[LH19]

My kids have outgrown Halloween so I just handed out candy.

Bro you are living my old life and I do not envy you. So if I am reading you correctly you do not have the passcode for her phone? Have you asked for it?

My exw was slow and methodical in her exit strategy. First was the tatas than the spider veins removal. She sold me how it would make her feel better about herself.

Early on on NYEs at midnight she went into the bathroom after ball drop with her phone for like 15 minutes. Obviously texting someone HNY. I pressed her for her phone and she wouldn’t give it to me. I left and went to my friends. She called and I didn’t answer. She kept calling and I finally answered and I just said “you better fuching call a lawyer” and hung up. The next day she wanted to meet to talk and she offered up her phone and to give me password. My regret now was not to say right then “you are either in or out”. I spent the next 3 years cohabiting with a very unhappy woman which is fun stuff lol. However, on the plus side I got to spend 3 more years with my kids full time. That part of my life is basically a blurr now.

I was like you I don’t think I could have blown out my family. There is no shame in staying for the kids. There is no shame if you get to a point where you had enough. I’m sorry to say though make no mistake about it your w is planning her exit strategy. She’s not getting boobs and exercising for you. They are slow and methodical creatures. The other day I had to pull my old property taxes to see how much they went up and on the 2015 one she had had calculated how much hers would be per month in her mortgage.

If you’re still having sex she is most likely having an EA. Most women won’t cheat on their APs if it is a real affair.

I stay on this board to pay it forward and let people know that their life isn’t over and that the journey is a wild ride and to try to take it all in knowing there are valuable lessons to be learned along the way.

Keep us posted. The holidays can be difficult.

[Doug54]

Appreciate the straight talk, LH. I must say, there have been times when I extrapolated your situation onto my own in totality, which didn't necessarily help my state of mind in getting from one day to the next, but I do appreciate your paying it forward, as you say.

My kids have outgrown Halloween so I just handed out candy.
Bro you are living my old life and I do not envy you. So if I am reading you correctly you do not have the passcode for her phone? Have you asked for it?

No, I don't have it and haven't asked for it. There's no point. She wouldn't give it to me. I think I wrote in one of my first posts that I would have to grab her phone out of her hands while it's open if I wanted to see anything. I don't plan to do that and no one suggested I do so. As far as the phone, you and Mach1 both wrote at one point something along the lines of "Who cares what TF your wife is up to? What are you doing to improve yourself?" and also "Do you want to be sitting on the porch at 80 wondering what if you'd only given W a little bit more time to get her sh*t figured out?" So, I'm not breathing down her neck at this point in time, but I'm not in denial about what she's up to either.

Early on one NYEs at midnight she went into the bathroom after ball drop with her phone for like 15 minutes. Obviously texting someone HNY. I pressed her for her phone and she wouldn’t give it to me. I left and went to my friends. She called and I didn’t answer. She kept calling and I finally answered and I just said “you better fuching call a lawyer” and hung up. The next day she wanted to meet to talk and she offered up her phone and to give me password. My regret now was not to say right then “you are either in or out”. I spent the next 3 years cohabiting with a very unhappy woman which is fun stuff lol. However, on the plus side I got to spend 3 more years with my kids full time. That part of my life is basically a blur now.

Was this New Year's Eve thing before or after you picked up her phone that one day to check the weather and saw that it had a passcode? Was the New Year's Eve texting to the idiot down the street whose marriage was rocky? I'm sure if I said to W today, "You're either in or you're out" she would tell me that she's in, but what would that be worth?

I was like you I don’t think I could have blown out my family. There is no shame in staying for the kids. There is no shame if you get to a point where you had enough. I’m sorry to say though make no mistake about it your w is planning her exit strategy.

LH, would you say your wife is driven and determined? Is she a type A personality? Because my wife is not. I mentioned her struggles with indecisiveness a couple posts above. I could see this situation dragging on for quite a while short of me getting to the point where I've had enough. I struggle with that mightily. My 14-year-old son, who has been challenging at times in the past and didn't do that well in middle school, just got straight A's his first quarter in high school. He is closer to me than my wife, but he still talks to her every day. I have a good fatherly relationship with the younger two boys but there is no question they gravitate to W. I actually think she has done a better job of being a more present and active mom recently, after what I would consider a high water mark of her MLC this past summer. Right now, the thought of pulling the rug out from the kids guts me. At the same time, I have a lot of resentment towards W for the bullshyt she's putting me through. I wouldn't say that I have a big ego (in my own opinion) but it's a tough swallow "allowing" her to be on her phone with some arsehole all this time.

If you’re still having sex she is most likely having an EA. Most women won’t cheat on their APs if it is a real affair.

Ok, so we're still having frequent sex. She initiates it half the time. I'm not going to delude myself that she may well be fantasizing about EA partner during that stuff, but whatever. After 18 years together, I've certainly had some wayward thoughts of my own in my head at one time or another during sexy time. What can I say?

I stay on this board to pay it forward and let people know that their life isn’t over and that the journey is a wild ride and to try to take it all in knowing there are valuable lessons to be learned along the way.

Keep us posted. The holidays can be difficult.

If you or anyone else can chime in about the concept of joint or separate bank accounts... so W and I have had a joint account for quite a long time. I am unsure how to handle this with the breast augmentation approaching. On one hand, I would have recourse if she got the procedure done and then bolted for divorce. I don't necessarily know if I want to be punitive with an immediate move toward getting my paycheck direct-deposited into a different account because W could conceivably go to a lawyer and get a separation agreement drawn up wherein I owe a boatload in child support.
A lot to consider. But even though there are success stories on this board, I don't know what the catalyst would be in which W decides she's ready to re-commit to the marriage. You're right - it [censored] (@ss).

[LH19]

No, I don't have it and haven't asked for it. There's no point. She wouldn't give it to me. I think I wrote in one of my first posts that I would have to grab her phone out of her hands while it's open if I wanted to see anything. I don't plan to do that and no one suggested I do so. As far as the phone, you and Mach1 both wrote at one point something along the lines of "Who cares what TF your wife is up to? What are you doing to improve yourself?" and also "Do you want to be sitting on the porch at 80 wondering what if you'd only given W a little bit more time to get her sh*t figured out?" So, I'm not breathing down her neck at this point in time, but I'm not in denial about what she's up to either.

Looking back now I should have insisted that if we were going to stay married there could be no secrets amongst us.

Was this New Year's Eve thing before or after you picked up her phone that one day to check the weather and saw that it had a passcode? Was the New Year's Eve texting to the idiot down the street whose marriage was rocky?

No clue. I think he bowed out early but not sure. Could have been new young group of friends she was hanging out with. It was definitely secretive though.

I'm sure if I said to W today, "You're either in or you're out" she would tell me that she's in, but what would that be worth?

A lot if she meant it.

LH, would you say your wife is driven and determined? Is she a type A personality? Because my wife is not. I mentioned her struggles with indecisiveness a couple posts above.

Fuch no total B that is why she needs a man.

I could see this situation dragging on for quite a while short of me getting to the point where I've had enough. I struggle with that mightily.

It's tough when you have young children.

If you or anyone else can chime in about the concept of joint or separate bank accounts... so W and I have had a joint account for quite a long time.

I think if there is no immediate plans to split up than it's not worth it.

A lot to consider. But even though there are success stories on this board, I don't know what the catalyst would be in which W decides she's ready to re-commit to the marriage. You're right - it [censored] (@ss).

If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

[Vapo]

For a W to recommit to marriage first she has to respect you as a man and as a person. That means you do not act out of fear of her. Because if you do, she will start using the fear against you. Womens sense these things and you will not be able to outbluff her. And you have to get rid of the fear what she might or might not do.

As fot the bank accounts go, there are many variables at work here, so the best advice would be to consult your lawyer and get and informed opionion.

One thing you have to remember, she's checked out of the marriage. If you are having sex with her, it might not be a bad idea to get yourself checked out medically, you cannot rely on her word. Sad fact, but it is what it is...