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Again, OB, you do what you are comfortable with. But I do really encourage you to look at why you won’t do it , and by not doing it it, is there more benefit or hurt to your son . Is it something that even if you didn’t like doing it all, who would it hurt more ?

Ginger1 #2936931 08/07/22 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
They don’t understand why we wouldn’t want to see something important to them in their life.

Thanks all, so the above jumped out at me. Like BL said, I was worried it would lead to come for dinner, come, come play monopoly, etc. But Like you said G, this is easily dealt with. I will just suck it up and check it out next time he asks.

The main reason I am reluctant btw, is I feel quite strongly about her being welcome in my house, which was the family home. I found out she'd had OM to the house on multiple occasions (who knows how may times) and I said to myself that she had disrespected that home so much she was no longer welcome in it. I figured I didn't want S5 inviting her to see his room at my house.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
The main reason I am reluctant btw, is I feel quite strongly about her being welcome in my house, which was the family home. I found out she'd had OM to the house on multiple occasions (who knows how may times) and I said to myself that she had disrespected that home so much she was no longer welcome in it. I figured I didn't want S5 inviting her to see his room at my house.

I get it OB.

I'd like to offer this to think about: it is now YOUR home. Yours and S5's. Work on expunging any familial memories of yore. It's time to take it back and make it YOURS and your son's, separate from exw. Make sense?

xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Hello


So what is your ex like?

A lot of post divorce interactions with kids should be based on whether or not you are dealing with high conflict ex.

Most of what you read “put the kids first” “suck it up for the kids” “work together and coparent” does not really apply when you are dealing with cluster bs or narcissists or high conflict or abusive and manipulative exes (please note - cheating is a form of abuse)

Manipulative, high conflict exes will always look for a way to exploit what you do. They will use what you do early on - as precedents to help them f you over legally. And they will definitely use whatever habits you put in place early on to sabatog all of yours future relationships. I have to say that the female exes that are high conflict seem to be worse in that they are able to do so secretly in away that doesn’t make them look bad for a court. They will push boundaries in the name of the children.

I would not go into each other’s houses. Firm boundaries early on are for you and them.




My ex was not high conflict. But i still implemented more of a parallel parenting strategy. I was not going to go have joint parties where everyone gets along for the sake of my son. I told him when he was 5 something like “ mommy doesn’t do things with daddy because daddy didn’t treat mommy well. That’s why you can have 1 party with daddy and a separate one with mommy”. I never acted overly friendly and only communicated about logisitics in front of son. I didn’t fight or disparage my ex though.

He’s 11 now and is super well adjusted - says he’s glad we are divorced. No issues other then he gets upset that his dad turns down requests for extra visits from him. I feel like I monitored a good example that you don’t have to be friends with people that abused you. He recently asked me me if i like his dads girlfriend and I said “yes” and he asked me if I still don’t like his dad and I honestly told him “no I don’t like him “

Another reason I don’t like to sugar coat and make it out like I like his dad is because his dad does sucky things and I don’t want him to think those sucky things are normal or acceptable or worse something for him to copy when he has kids. I don’t want him to date someone unavailable like his dad. I also didn’t want to gaslight or normalize what was an abusive situation


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OB,

Had my regular call with some colleagues in Adelaide earlier...they're down on their Crows.

How's the soccer coaching?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2937482 09/12/22 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by BL42
OB,

Had my regular call with some colleagues in Adelaide earlier...they're down on their Crows.

How's the soccer coaching?

I was actually down in Adelaide a few weekends back for my annual trip. Adelaide is such a great long weekend destination, three world class winery regions within an hours drive. The Crows were pretty ordinary this year but so were Port Adelaide which should give them some comfort. You can tell them I'm a Sydney fan, we're about to play in a preliminary final this weekend and I can't use my tickets because I'll be flying to the US.

When are you coming to visit here BL?


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
BL42 #2937483 09/12/22 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by BL42
OB,

How's the soccer coaching?

Soccer coaching is done for the year now, but it was great. Pretty hard at times wrangling 12 six year olds but pretty fun at the same time.

I don't know when I last posted but its been a little while and I've been busy. Was in Melbourne the week before last and pretty much spent most of the week with the girl down there which was great. We had a pretty great time but her intentions to eventually move to Sydney are unchanged so I told her to let me know if she changes her mind but I don't want to keep doing what we've been doing because I met a pretty great girl up here who lives nearby, we're going on date 4 on Friday.

The peace between XW and I has been a little disturbed a few weeks back. We had S6's bday and that went great, I organised pretty much everything and she helped setup and it was very pleasant and cooperative.

But then it was her bday in late August and I took S6 to go get her a present of his choosing, but then when I went to drop some things off at her house on her actual bday I didn't say happy birthday. about half an hour later when I was at home I got a text saying she wanted me off her health insurance (her works pays and I'm on it in lieu of her paying money that she'd owe me every month). I knew straight away it was because I didn't say happy bday, which was confirmed the next day when she called me to say I was not civil and lacked human decency because I didn't say it, I actually found that pretty amusing.

The following week she had a go at me about being flexible with looking after S6 when I need to be away for work and how it would need to be discussed going forward. I just said sure, and never heard again. Doesn't seem like the behaviour of a happy person, but who knows....or cares.


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OB- you keep telling your Melbourne girl “ call me when the situation changes, however the situation isn’t changing and she isn’t moving but you still keep hooking up. I know the guys are all gonna high five you and stuff and say while she’s willing to sex it up, ride the train!

However, I think since you really do like her it does cloud how you feel regarding available women. I think it’s a wise decision to stop this cycle with her if there is someone else you are interested in.

You certainly are a stud in Australia and the there never lack of action for you !

Ginger1 #2937490 09/12/22 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
OB- you keep telling your Melbourne girl “ call me when the situation changes, however the situation isn’t changing and she isn’t moving but you still keep hooking up. I know the guys are all gonna high five you and stuff and say while she’s willing to sex it up, ride the train!

You're right G, its been 18 months and no change, so pretty safe bet that it won't. I will say, it is more than just sex though, we both have strong feelings for each other. I know there are some women who would absolutely move cities for love, but I totally understand why she wouldn't want to. Her best friend here just moved to London and she doesn't knows lots of people here and I have a son that takes up at least 50% of my time. Its a lot to ask.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
However, I think since you really do like her it does cloud how you feel regarding available women. I think it’s a wise decision to stop this cycle with her if there is someone else you are interested in.

Thanks G, again you're right. the cycle needed to stop, a clean break as I called it. The biggest factor was when she told me she was going to freeze her eggs. I don't want to be responsible for holding her back from something that she wants, and she has said what we have has stopped her meeting anyone else.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
You certainly are a stud in Australia and the there never lack of action for you !

Haha, don't know about that, but I definitely credit the work I have done and the help I have received here these last 2 or so years for helping in that area in my life. Maybe an Australia bloke would be the perfect match for you G. Or BL if you're looking closer to home, because you and LH are clearly to stubborn to make it happen!


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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
You're right G, its been 18 months and no change, so pretty safe bet that it won't. I will say, it is more than just sex though, we both have strong feelings for each other. I know there are some women who would absolutely move cities for love, but I totally understand why she wouldn't want to. Her best friend here just moved to London and she doesn't knows lots of people here and I have a son that takes up at least 50% of my time. Its a lot to ask.
Sooooo why not continue to HHH while seeing other women?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Thanks G, again you're right. the cycle needed to stop, a clean break as I called it. The biggest factor was when she told me she was going to freeze her eggs. I don't want to be responsible for holding her back from something that she wants, and she has said what we have has stopped her meeting anyone else.
You are not holding her back. She is holding herself back with you. She's a big girl.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You certainly are a stud in Australia and the there never lack of action for you !
Bent at 41 and coming out of a sexless marriage I would advise you to explore the many options for you out there in the land down under.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Or BL if you're looking closer to home, because you and LH are clearly to stubborn to make it happen!
Truthfully BL and G would make the perfect couple if G would take it easy on him in the bedroom lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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