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#2936659 07/31/22 05:54 PM
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Doug54 Offline OP
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To update-

I was out of town Wednesday to late Saturday night, visiting an old college buddy. The timing seemed fortuitous, with the mood and vibe around the house feeling a little tense and distant following the ill-scheduled MC session and family trip. It was also good to get out and see a place I'd never been to before.

Fun as it was, going away had an unforeseen mental effect - I found myself waxing nostalgic about W half the time. I mean, my friend had to stop me from texting her "I miss you" on a couple instances. I didn't really get why I was brooding over a crappy situation that I should have been breathing a huge sigh of relief to get a respite from.

There was a small, naive hope (for lack of a better word) that the days apart would result in a more congenial W when I arrived home, but of course that hasn't been the case. It hasn't been torture, but she hasn't had any progress on the job front and I'm like "Are we going to be living out a dead marriage for a year?" One day at a time...one day at a time.

Oddly enough, it's helped to read some of the accounts on here, like LH19's foray into online dating (a bit aged at this point since the thread I'm on was pre-Covid) and realize this situation won't be forever. I guess getting back into town and resuming living through the crappiness serves a purpose.


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Gekko- thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions in that in-depth post! A lot to soak up and consider.


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Originally Posted by Doug54
To update-

Fun as it was, going away had an unforeseen mental effect - I found myself waxing nostalgic about W half the time. I mean, my friend had to stop me from texting her "I miss you" on a couple instances. I didn't really get why I was brooding over a crappy situation that I should have been breathing a huge sigh of relief to get a respite from.

It is a pretty common occurence. It is called the rose glasses effect. The LBS (left behind spouse) tends to over idealize the failed marriage and the cheating partner. It takes time to shatter these glasses and it is only then that the LBS becomes aware of the true nature of the spouse.

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Originally Posted by Doug54
Oddly enough, it's helped to read some of the accounts on here, like LH19's foray into online dating (a bit aged at this point since the thread I'm on was pre-Covid) and realize this situation won't be forever. I guess getting back into town and resuming living through the crappiness serves a purpose.
Doug I am glad my Misadventures helps lol. Yep it won't last forever and you will be happy again. You will be mad that you tolerated the BS as long as you did. After all how dare you watch TV alone in the other room? Your W is on a journey of her own that is going to take a really long time to play out. So many people suffer for so long on this board because they are in love with a fantasy. You are going to be just fine.

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Would appreciate some advice here if possible. Was sucked into a relationship talk a short while ago. W is really amped up about this next MC appointment that I planned to skip, to focus on IC. I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take, but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going. She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.

I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings, but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with) and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage. I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.

That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet. I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.

She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon). I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here. I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.


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Originally Posted by Doug54
I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take
Good.

Originally Posted by Doug54
but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going.
She clearly has resentment. Just stay calm and firm.

Originally Posted by Doug54
She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.
You don't need a counselor to get divorced.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings
Good!

Originally Posted by Doug54
but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with)
That's her problem. Seriously. She wants to divorce you. Just because you have family nearby doesn't mean she gets special treatment. Stand up for yourself and your rights, regardless of whose family lives closer. Do not move out.

Originally Posted by Doug54
and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage.
She's right. That's her decision.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.
So the first part of this is good...if you didn't do it with any attitude. The second part is a little pressure/blaming. Maybe an "That's not what I want, but I won't stop you." But overall much better than most LBSs/newbies.

Originally Posted by Doug54
That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet.
Most of these stiches end up involving lawyers. Things just escalate. I don't have any official stats, but seems like most aren't just handled easily between the two parties.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.
Perfect!!! Well done.

Originally Posted by Doug54
She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon).
Again, her problem. She wants to divorce you. Part of that is her moving out, handling the financial impacts, handling the logistics of kids school and activities. All she sees is the happiness of running through the field free and careless to the world. At some point realities are going to kick in for her - don't protect her from those realities. She'll have to deal with them.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here.
It might get a lot more tense. Are you strong enough to rise above, keep your head up, and go about enjoying your life?

Originally Posted by Doug54
I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.
Plenty of us have recommended against MC unless she's fully bought into working on the marriage, but ultimately you're going to have to choose what to do.

Doug54 - I think you're doing real relative to most LBSs. Hang in there and stay strong.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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This really fuching angers me when someone wants out and is not willing to leave. I like to use the Braveheart analogy here "hold, hold, hold". It's going to get tense here Doug there is no way around it. Are you going to keep the house?

LH19 #2936680 08/01/22 02:49 PM
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I agree with BL and LH. DO NOT move out. She will try pleading, threats and extortion on you. Do not budge, do not flinch. It would be perfect if you managed to stay cool and calm and say to her:"You want out? There is the door. This is my house and my home and I am not moving."

Be prepared to possibly be subjected to extortion, she might call the police and say you assaulted her. If you see indications that it might come to that, I would highly suggest to record the communications.

I know you will say I'm crazy and that would never happen and that your W is not like that, but the reality is she really at the moment is not the person you knew for all the years.

Several posters on these boards have had police called on them claiming spausal abuse has taken place. Be very careful you do not end up on the wrong end of a restraining order.

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Originally Posted by Doug54
Would appreciate some advice here if possible. Was sucked into a relationship talk a short while ago. W is really amped up about this next MC appointment that I planned to skip, to focus on IC. I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take, but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going. She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.

I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings, but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with) and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage. I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.

Maybe ease off of the guilt with her.

It's okay to let her live her decisions by letting her know that you have no plans to move, yet maybe not point out to her about breaking up the family....

It just seems a little vindictive. No matter how true it might be.

IF there is hope of having anything in the future, her feeling judged will NOT point you toward that direction...

Seems pretty simple though....

I would like to pursue IC for now, when that changes, I will let you know...






Originally Posted by Doug54
That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet. I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.

For now, don't try and borrow trouble from the future.

You never know how this will play out, just focus on you for now....

Don't get sukced into any conversations that you aren't ready to have...

Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...

And don't ask any questions that you really don't want answered....





Originally Posted by Doug54
She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon). I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here. I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.


From what I've seen....things will more than likely get worse before they can get any better...

I've likened it to a Space Shuttle analogy...

When they would launch the Shuttle, they had these booster tanks attached to them because of the amount of fuel they consumed during lift off....

Once they ascended to the desired altitude and the fuel was used, the tanks would fall away....


Think of this right now, as that....

Her anger (the tanks) is her fuel to "push away" from you, the marriage, friends, family, and whoever doesn't support her decisions.

The harder it is to get off of the ground, the more fuel(anger) she will burn trying to lift off...

Things aren't great in her head right now either, and the anger allows her to paint you in an undesirable position.

There will be things that she says that will not be entirely true, yet to her, they are VERY true...

Thing is...

YOU get to choose what is true to you also...

And the difference??

The things that send that little 'sting" up the back of your neck ??

Those are the things that you typically don't like about yourself....

Those are the things that you dig deep inside of yourself to change...

D.....this didn't break in a day, and it won't be fixed in a day....

For now, just try and take care of yourself....

And remember that you will never talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.....

Set some goals for YOU....

Find something new that you have always wanted to do....

Maybe tell us something about you....

likes ?

Hobbies ?

Find a reason to smile....

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