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Originally Posted by Reeling
Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses and feedback; I truly appreciate it.

So, honestly, I know I sound naïve and may never convince some of you, but there truly, honestly is no other woman. I am fully aware there may be eventually. Right now, there is not. I have so many reasons for saying this and won't go into them all. There have been too many occasions when I have found him/seen him sitting in a bar with a male friend or two at a time when if there was another woman he would be with her.

This is not my only reason for saying this. We have had very honest conversations (please believe me on this) and he has told me more than once that there is nobody else, there was nobody else and he will tell me if there ever is anybody else, before I find out from someone else. Whatever about everything else that has gone on, I believe him on this. I know I sound naïve, there's not much I can do about that.

We live in Thailand, therefore most of the women are Asian. He is not attracted to Thai girls, never has been. That is just another factor.

He recently got back from a visit to friends and family in England, where he's from. On his return, he got straight off a long-haul flight and went to a bar to meet his (male) friends to watch a big game. I know this, because I walked into the bar a few minutes after him, totally not expecting him to be there. He'd been away for 3 weeks. Again, at the risk of sounding naïve, wouldn't the logical thing be for him to go straight from his flight to the other woman? Except there isn't one.

Another way I know: his friends, including his best friend, have talked to me without him knowing. They have told me they think he's losing his mind. They have also told me there is 100% nobody else (which is partly why they can't understand what he's doing).

I'll leave it there, rather than risk having this entire response become me listing reasons why there is nobody else. There just isn't. Fully aware that may change but for now...

You may be 100% correct. Though we've had other LBSs here that were even more adamant that there was no one else. The caution here is to not put all your eggs in that basket. So many LBSs start DBing well under the belief there is no one else, then completely breakdown and forget DBing as soon as there is an OP revealed.

Regardless if there is another person or not, you have to be careful NOT to believe anything he says. Statements like "he said and I believe him because...." are dangerous statements for LBSs to say. If you truly believe there is no one else right now it should have NOTHING to do with what he says. Or what he promises to say in the future. HE IS COMPLETELY UNTRUSTWORTHY RIGHT NOW.

We on this forum have been through this multiple times with multiple LBSs, so you'll have to excuse our skepticism. There never is another person.........until there is. So while you may be convinced of this, it is likely that most of us will not be convinced no matter how adamant you are.

Originally Posted by Reeling
I have tried cutting contact because I was instigating most of it. So I went dark. It achieved nothing. He went dark too. We didn't see, hear, or speak to each other and it broke my heart. He did not appear to miss me - I'm just basing that on the fact that he didn't break NC. I eventually resumed contact as I couldn't see how I could save my marriage if we weren't in contact.

I am confused by what this means? "I went dark. It achieved nothing." This sounds like unrealistic expectations. "If I go dark, then he will start chasing me!" That is not the purpose of going dark. Going dark is for you to STOP pressuring and pursuing, and for you to start to learn to be happy by yourself again. Some call it emotional detachment. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to emotionally detach when you are constantly trying to reach out.

Lots of LBSs do things like "I'll go dark for a week. If I don't hear from them then I will reach out again. Because I am afraid that no contact for an extended amount of time will mean it is over!" This is letting fear guide you. DBing is not about saving the marriage (though most of us come here thinking it is). DBing is about stopping behaviors that will push the WAS away faster. And it is about accepting the inevitable that if the WAS wants a D, then they will eventually D you. DBing will let you move on happy and healthy. SOMETIMES (the % of the time is a hotly debated topic on this forum) it will have the effect of getting the WAS to question what they are doing, and even change their mind. But here is the rub: if you DB in order to change the WAS' mind it will rarely work. You really have to move forward with your life FOR YOU, and sometimes the WAS will decide to come along on the journey too.

What I can tell you is that DBing gives you 100% chance of eventually moving forward from this yourself, and gives you a much better chance of saving your marriage. Versus pressure and pursuit, and all of the activities that come along with that from an intuitive standpoint. Actively intuitively and pressuring and pursuing have almost a 0% chance of working.

Originally Posted by Reeling
I also tried doing a 180 - I flew to New York and stayed with a friend for two weeks. This is a BIG DEAL, it is a journey over nearly 30 hours from here. I did it while he was in England and he was shocked and taken aback when he found out. Not sure it achieved anything else other than significantly lightening my wallet, ha.

Did you do this in order to move yourself forward? Or to get his attention? How did he even find out?

If you do 180s and things like this (I'd argue this isn't a true 180, more of a 1 off activity) in order to get his attention, it will almost always backfire. Work on 180s for YOU!


Originally Posted by Reeling
I am working on myself but how can he ever see that if we don't see each other? He very, very rarely uses social media. We have very few friends in common that would feed anything back to him about me doing GAL or moving on or anything like that. The friends I mentioned earlier who spoke to me to say they think he's losing his mind and there is nobody else are not here - they are all in England.

More "I need to do things for him to see". Reeling this is fool's gold. You won't like this wording, but what you are doing is trying to manipulate him back to the MR. THe problem with that is that WASs always see through it. The minute they feel you are manipulating them back to the MR, they will no longer trust anything you say or do. We hear it all the time (and many of us heard it in our own situations) where the WAS says "you are only doing that, or changing, to get me back!"

You are DBing, and trying to see if it has any effect on him. He will see right through that. When you DB and keep looking over your shoulder to see if he notices, he will realize that you are simply doing this for his benefit. And he won't trust that the changes are lasting and permanent.

When you DB (GAL, self-improve, and emotionally detach) he will eventually see the changes! He may not decide to come back to the MR, but he will realize that you are different. Even if it means you go no contact for years! He'll eventually wake up one day and go, "Wow, Reeling hasn't contacted me in 2 years. She must have really moved on! Hmmm, I wonder what she is up to.

When you do it to get a reaction, that is expectations, and expectations will hold you back every single time.

Originally Posted by Reeling
We met for lunch yesterday and had the best day. I decided no relationship talk, no heavy stuff, just keep it light and fun. When lunch was over, I suggested a drink somewhere and he agreed. We ended up spending about 6 hours together, all of which consisted of laughter and good conversation. At one point, he talked about his trip to England and I asked him what his friends had said when he told them about our break-up (he does not know obviously that his friends have all contacted me).

He replied, "They all told me to think very carefully about what I'm doing - to make sure I'm not making a mistake".

I just replied by saying, "Well, that's good advice" and left it at that.

But I was glad he was honest in his reply and didn't just say something like, "Oh, they were just sad to hear the news".

He dropped me home early evening. We live on a beautiful island and a lot of people go to the beach in the evening to watch the sunset. I told him I would be taking the dog to do that and asked if he wanted to join us (I know, I shouldn't have). He said no, that he had to get home, but then added, "but maybe during the week?" I said that would be nice.

This is why pressure and pursuit is so dangerous. "Maybe during the week" is non-committal, and let's you down easy. He felt your pressure "Go to the beach with us!" and his response was to leave....but to let you down in a way that still gives him an out ("I said MAYBE"), but lets him off the hook for hurting you to your face.

Originally Posted by Reeling
He has left all his stuff here since he walked out in April. All he has with him are some clothes and his toothbrush and shaver. He even left all his aftershave here and when I do see him, he usually looks unshaven, tired, stressed. I mean, really, I do not think there is someone else... He is staying in a tiny condo he has described as a "sh*thole" (sorry, I hope that's allowed!).

This is a very common tale. I would read zero into any of this.

Originally Posted by Reeling
Yesterday, before he left, he asked if he could take two pieces of Tupperware as he doesn't have any at his place. There's a whole cupboard of the stuff at my place (most of it collected by him - we used to joke about it). I said of course, then pointed at a George Foreman grill I had bought him just before he walked out, as he'd been saying he really wanted to get one. I asked him if he wanted to take it. He hesitated, then said, "no, that's okay for now. Things are complicated right now, aren't they?"

I have no idea what that meant, I just shrugged and said, "okay, up to you".

Hopefully you've read on the forum and know that you cannot NICE him back to the relationship. So many LBSs, especially LBWs, think that being nice, having sex, being super wife, etc, will nice the WAS back to the marriage. I would have supported a "Sure, take whatever you need" to his request. But pointing to the Foreman and offering it was too much. I have less of a problem with this entire exchange than I do the fact that you were even meeting with him to begin with. These kind of meetings have a way of frustrating and confusing LBSs. Remember: When he wants to come back...you will know. When he doesn't, you will be confused.

Originally Posted by Reeling
He had brought me a jar of pickled onions he'd got while visiting his Dad in England - his Dad makes these and they're super spicy. My husband can't eat them but knows I like them and his Dad had asked him to give them to me.

So after he left, I decided try one but could not get the lid off the glass jar, it was screwed so tightly shut. So I messaged him (we communicate via WhatsApp) and told him, throwing in a few laughing emojis and making a joke of it.

He responded, "I will fix for you" and put a kiss at the end of the message. (Not wanting to read too much into that but he hasn't done that for a while).

More expectations.......... Reeling, so many LBSs read stuff into these exchanges. First, you reached out first (again). Second he threw you a bone with the onions and the response. But where is he? You want to read into a jar of onions and text message with a kiss....but are ignoring the fact that the guy lives somewhere else. Do not put hope in things you should not be dealing with! If he really wanted to be with you he'd have been home to open the jar for you.....not promise to do that later with a "kiss" emoji.

Originally Posted by Reeling
To answer how he found out I was having a minor procedure (needed an MRI for an arm injury) and paid for half of it - I told him.

I've had a few calls with coach Joann but the last one was in June. I know I should go dark but I'm worried that all that will happen if I do that is that he goes dark too. And we just continue in darkness indefinitely. I am trying to bring him back in from the cold.

I appreciate all your support so much. Thank you and sorry this is a bit long.

If you go dark and it goes into darkness indefinitely......then you will have your answer! I know you want to put your hope into a truth that you want, but you have to be open to the fact that the truth may not be what you want it to be. Your goal should be to get to the truth, not try to change it. YOu have no control except over yourself. So remove the focus from him and focuse on yourself.

I do not intend for these responses to be harsh, I intend to get you to see your situation for what it is. I was the same as you when early in my situation. It took honest responses to my posts go get me to wake up to the facts.


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Originally Posted by Reeling
I'm sorry, it's me again, but I have a question that has been really bothering me and it's why I resist going dark and in fact, had been thinking of asking if we could have regular meet-ups. The question is related to this rule of Sandi's:

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

If I don't schedule a meet-up, we NEVER see each other. If I don't initiate a text, we NEVER speak. Therefore, how on earth can the R get "much better" during total radio silence and never seeing each other? This is what I'm struggling so much to understand. I almost start to panic at the idea that I will never be able to implement divorce busting strategies if I never see or hear from him. It doesn't help that he keeps making comments about moving overseas.

Can anyone help me understand this? Thank you!

You struggle with this because you do not understand why you should go dark. You think you should go dark to engender a change in behavior in him. I said in my previous response: "If I go dark, maybe he will start reaching out to me!"

You go dark because you are overly attached and need to work on emotional detachment. You go dark to remove your focus from him and saving your marriage and put it on you and your own self-improvements.

Reeling here is a simple truth: LBSs do not save their marriages from a position of weakness, they save their marriages from a position of strength!

Constantly reaching out and wanting regular meetups out of fear.....IS NOT A POSITION OF STRENGTH! Remember, there are no guarantees here. The likelihood is that you will end up D'd. Why? Because it takes two to make a marriage, only one to make a D. So drop your fear of D. Your problem is not whether or not he D's you. Your problem is how long you will allow him to hold you hostage? Do you want to be in limbo in 2 years from now?

One of the best pieces of advice I got in my situation was to set a drop dead date. In my case, it was one year after BD. It went like this: "If she isn't committed back to the MR fully and completely by the 1 year anniversary of BD, then I will go file for D myself." This gave me an end goal. To me, being in limbo for longer than a year was WORSE than ending up D'd.

Also, he has to feel a loss in order to have any chance of questioning what he is doing. You are not letting him feel your loss. You text, call, setup meetups. And that tells him "Hey, I can treat Reeling anyway I want, and if I want her back all I have to do is snap my fingers and she'll take me back!"
Sadly, he is right. The worst thing that could happen Reeling is for him to comeback and for you to have NO requirements for his return. All you would be doing is setting yourself up for another BD in the future.

So what does reconciliation look like to you? What are your requirements for his return? Have you even thought about this? If you let him waltz right back home, guess what? You will have taught him that he can just come and go as he pleases! "Oh, Reeling made me mad, I am moving out! Because I can always just move back in anytime I want. I have her wrapped around my little finger!" Again, that is a position of weakness.

There are plenty of examples of failed Rs here on this forum because the LBS let the WAS waltz right back in. You need to have requirements. And you need to stick to them.


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Originally Posted by Reeling
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Take the focus of your H and focus on finding your happy without him.

Thanks Ready2Change. Right now, I cannot imagine living without him, that's the problem. I literally feel like I have a huge lump in my throat and the worst pain in my heart. I am just trying to get through each day without sobbing. I am constantly fighting the urge to ask him to meet me and then have "The Talk". I am so conflicted.

Thank you for listening.

This is a huge red flag. Are you in IC? You need to get into IC, as soon as possible.

Reeling, the problem with over attachment like this is that we live in an imperfect world. Accidents, disease. violence, there are many ways that our loved ones can be taken from us. There is no guarantee that your WAH will be part of this earth tomorrow. And certainly there is no guarantee he will decide to be a part of your life moving forward. This is your number one 180: learn how to live in the future without him. IN fact, that is the only way you have a chance of ever having a successful R with him. No one wants the pressure of being the sole source of happiness for another person. That is a lot to put on him, if you think about it. I'd even say it is very selfish to put another person in charge of YOUR happiness.

Get into IC and work through your over attachment. Learn to be happy on your own. Make your goal to come out of this entire thing, whether he stays or goes, and a whole person, healthy and happy.


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Thanks so much SteveLW for taking so much time to respond to my post. It's very kind of you and I really appreciate it. I think I've misunderstood what DB is all about. From what you're saying it appears to be something I'm supposed to do for myself and in doing so, there MAY be a side-effect that means my WAH comes back. My understanding was that DB was aimed at bringing him back - and saving my marriage. This is based on me having read The Divorce Remedy, which literally has this in the title: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage.

I have been through torture since he walked out and the uncertainty is killing me. I have decided I need to have The Talk with him, for my own sake, not his. If it makes him run further, so be it. I sense that he is conflicted about what to do but my mental health can't take the waiting around while he decides. I want to ask him if he will consider marriage coaching (not counseling) with me. If he says no, I have my answer and at that point, I will move on with my life.

Thank you again for all your advice.


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I cannot stop sobbing. I have reached out to an online therapist service as there is none where I live. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. He cried at our wedding just five years ago. Just months ago he was telling me he loved me. My heart is utterly, utterly broken and I feel so alone. Unfortunately where I live, I have very few friends as we are both expats living in a foreign country. I wish I could stop crying.


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Reeling,

I'm so sorry. All of us here know exactly what you're going through. It's incredibly difficult. Hang in there. It WILL get better over time. Right now the hours feel like weeks and the days feel like months, but in a year or two you'll look back and wonder how the time went by so quickly. Trust me.

The best thing you can do is get out of the house and do something. Be active. Go on a walk, ride a bike, sign up for yoga, take a cooking or painting class, contact an expat social group...etc. It doesn't matter what it is, just try to get off the couch or out of the bed and do something. It's tough to beat the momentum, especially if you're depressed, but as you start doing things to fill your time you'll start to feel better and you'll build momentum in a positive direction.

You're all here to listen and help...and we're all cheering for you.


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Originally Posted by Reeling
Thanks so much SteveLW for taking so much time to respond to my post. It's very kind of you and I really appreciate it. I think I've misunderstood what DB is all about. From what you're saying it appears to be something I'm supposed to do for myself and in doing so, there MAY be a side-effect that means my WAH comes back. My understanding was that DB was aimed at bringing him back - and saving my marriage. This is based on me having read The Divorce Remedy, which literally has this in the title: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage.

I have been through torture since he walked out and the uncertainty is killing me. I have decided I need to have The Talk with him, for my own sake, not his. If it makes him run further, so be it. I sense that he is conflicted about what to do but my mental health can't take the waiting around while he decides. I want to ask him if he will consider marriage coaching (not counseling) with me. If he says no, I have my answer and at that point, I will move on with my life.

Thank you again for all your advice.

Reeling, yes that is the thing with DBing. IF you DB in order to save your marriage, your WAS will detect that and be resistant. If you go off and DB in order to move yourself forward, sometimes the WAS will get interested and come poking around to see why the LBS is not doing what they expected them to do.

Your WAS expects you to be sad, clingy, reach out, beg, become the perfect spouse, to be able to pretty much do whatever they want. We call it the fantasy bubble. They think they can have their cake and eat it to. So many LBSs have used their WAS while they are most vulnerable. This is especially true with WAHs but we've seen WAWs that have come around looking for sex. Then when they get what they want, whether it is sex, or items from the house, or money, they go right back to being obstinate again.

During my situations (I had two, 12 years apart), I read a ton of anti-divorce experts. And even though their books had catchy titles like "Save Your Marriage, NOW!" or "Divorce Remedy" etc, the crux of the advice was that IF your WAS decides D is what they want, there is nothing you can do to stop it. But if you are willing to put difficult actions into place, like NO R talks, ever! Or GAL and doing your best to forget what they are doing! Or to emotionally detach (some referred to it as self-differentiation), then the WAS might start questioning what they are doing.

Here it is the basic form. It is the epitome of something called the distance-pursuit dynamic. (Google it!) If your WAH feels like all he has to do is snap his fingers to get you back, then the likelihood of him coming back is very small. If he feels like he is in danger of losing you, there is a better chance he will go "What am I thinking???" And start questioning what he is doing. It is like playing with a dog. If you chase a dog, it will run from you. But the minute you stop chasing, the dog will stop running away. And if you go back the other way, the dog will start chasing you! WASs are the same way.

So yes, this is where DBing becomes counter-intuitive. Your best chance and saving your marriage is to STOP trying to save it. This is why so many LBSs (myself included!) struggle with the concept of DBing. Because every instinct tells you to love-bomb them. To be in contact with them as much as possible. To give them gifts, to remind them you love them, to insist to them that you do not want a D! But those are the behaviors that drive them away.

Here is my advice. Find a neighbor that an open to the jar for you. Go dark. When your WAH eventually contacts you (and I believe that he will IF you can go long enough without reaching out to him), to see when you want him to come open the jar, you can say "Oh, I had Tom open it. The pickles were delicious." And leave it at that! It will start work on his mind like a brain worm. "Who is Tom? Why is he opening pickles for her? Why didn't she keep texting me to come open them? Is she moving on?!?!" THAT is the dynamic you are going for here.

The beauty of DBing is that we struggle with it.....until we don't! I can remember when I first started seeing my W question what she was doing. It was after she had asked me if she could buy books on interviewing. (Her plan was to get a job, get an apartment, and to get a D.) I told her to buy whatever she felt she needed. She then spent an evening and most of the next day updating her resume. I left her completely alone and just went on with things I needed to do. That evening she came into the living room tearfully expressing that she felt what she was doing was wrong. I remained completely unemotional, and listened and validated. When she went back into the home office, I went into the master bedroom and broke down! My embracing her plan to leave me was actually causing her to question the plan! COUNTER-INTUITIVE!!

One last bit of advice. Divorce Remedy is a difficult read to absorb all in one reading. The most successful DBers read the book 2,3 even 4 times! That is what I would suggest you do, reread it through the lens of what I just described to you. I would especially concentrate on the Last Resort Technique. I think that is the perfect technique for your situation.


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Originally Posted by Reeling
I cannot stop sobbing. I have reached out to an online therapist service as there is none where I live. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. He cried at our wedding just five years ago. Just months ago he was telling me he loved me. My heart is utterly, utterly broken and I feel so alone. Unfortunately where I live, I have very few friends as we are both expats living in a foreign country. I wish I could stop crying.

Reeling, the best advice I have seen for the emotions is to let them come. Feel them. Go through them. Mourning is not something that we should try to shortcut. You are going through a trauma of loss, it is expected that you will be sad. Please read the sticky thread on this forum "You Will Not Die".

I also commend you for reaching out to a therapist. IC is one of the best steps you can take right now!

And what I can tell you, is that it does get better. You will get through this. Like I said before, in an imperfect world we can lose someone a myriad of ways! Some of them more permanent than others. We have to find our strength to mourn, but then to move forward. You can do this!


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Reeling....

First off.....DBing can seem deceptive, however there are no magic bullets through this. And the BEST way to try to save your marriage is to become a better version of yourself.

IF this is MLC, then your goal is to try and outlast the MLC, while working on yourself and trying to be the best version of Reeling that you can be ...consistently....

MLC or WAS doesn't really matter for right now, until you get a grasp on yourself and stop thinking emotionally, and start to find your center...

However...

IF THIS IS MLC.....???


There are gonna be things that make your head want to spin all the way around through this.

MLC....IF he is.....IS a test of EVERYTHING that you have inside you .....

What he is going through is not pretty, and never think that it is on purpose either....There are things in his head that you cannot begin to imagine.

A couple hits though.....

MLC'ers lie......period

MLC'ers project their feelings onto the person closest to them...

MLC'ers...cheat on their spouses....not all, but the majority of the time.

To get through this, you will need to understand that YOU are the only person that you can do anything about....

Don't spend this time that HE needs, pining away waiting for him..

Do for you ....Always

Take care of YOU..... You need to make yourself Number one.......

Realize that you can do everything "right" and there is no guarantee that you will come out the other side with a restored marriage with him....

What WILL happen is that you will realize that YOU will come out the other side of this a better person.

Take the time to understand what you are dealing with , and then do the work for yourself.....Strive to be better everyday....

Don't snoop....the only person you will hurt is you.....

Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung

Don't put a timeline on this....there is none except his....

Don't think there is something YOU can do to change this path for him...



You're never gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into...



Time...Patience...Understanding....and being real...

Those are your friends right now....Your best friends...

Give plenty of space

Do for you


Understand your role right now to get through this....

One day at a time....One hour at a time....and in the beginning?

One minute at a time...


Don't talk to family and friends about this either, you will only hurt you.....

Come here to vent and understand, there is NOTHING you can say that will shock any of us....

I have always said that I wouldn't wish this onto my worst enemy....at first I meant because of the hurt....Now ?

Because I wouldn't want him to be as good of a man than I ....

What is gained through this , is far more than what is lost.

Think of this as a positive thing, as long as YOU DO THE WORK....

There isn't as much activity here as in the past, so spend that time in the Archives, and read and understand as much as you can to help you through the dark times.


MLCers seem to follow a script of sorts.

I love you but not in love with you.
Rewriting of history.
You were controlling.
Spending
New friends

The list goes on and on. Read the DR section on MLC, it is actually on a link on here and then read the resource thread here. Educate yourself about what you might be dealing with.

Then, later down the road, read it again. You will know. And one thing to please keep in mind, the stages as they are broken down, do NOT follow the neat way they are typed out. They bounce back and forth, up and down, and just all over the place.

Only you can determine if it is really MLC.

1 member likes this: bttrfly
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Reeling, know my post comes from a place of kindness. I hope you’re going okay today.

Quote
This is not my only reason for saying this. We have had very honest conversations (please believe me on this) and he has told me more than once that there is nobody else, there was nobody else and he will tell me if there ever is anybody else, before I find out from someone else.

My wife said those things. We went to church together with our kids. We had marriage counselling with the pastor where she said all of those things your partner is saying. All her friends and family told me there was no-one else. The only problem with all of that … is she was banging one of the Dad’s in my son’s football team, and singing hymns on the weekend.

No-one’s spouse is ever having an emotional or physical affair - until suddenly they are. You need to drop this rope of naive trust and accept it as a possibility. We aren’t saying it to hurt you - why would we do that? You seem very vulnerable at times, so we are hoping to prepare you for one possible outcome.

I agree with Steve 100%. There’s some concerning levels of acute grief in your posts. Completely understandable? Absolutely! It’s the worst feeling in the world to be on the receiving end of a relationship hand grenade. But you need to seek personal counselling as a matter of priority. Your doctor might be able to set something up? Or maybe your workplace has an employee assistance program with access to counselling? Please prioritise this.

The best thing you can do for your mental health during times of acute grief is to exercise extremely heavily. I’ve written other posts about this, so use the search function. You should be doing 2+ hours of high intensity exercise and weights programs. You should be collapsing into your bed at night.

Your NY trip didn’t work, because it was an attempted manipulation. Part of you did it to get a reaction, light a fire under his arse and now you’re disappointed it hasn’t worked. Don’t EVER do anything to try and manipulate your partner into getting back with you. It will fail every, single time. You get a life and go to New York to detach, discover yourself, occupy your brain, and to start getting used to finding your own happiness from within - not to make someone miss you.

You can do NOTHING to win him back. The harder you try, the less successful you will be. He needs to realise what he has lost for himself, otherwise it’s only temporary. You, your family, his friends, his work colleagues - none of them can make a difference. Either he works it out, or he doesn’t.

These situations can last 2, 3, 5 or 10 years. Are you going to waste 10 years of your life hoping he wakes up?

Given you can’t change him or the situation, you’d be better off spending that 10 years kicking life’s butt and being the greatest Reeling you can possibly be. If he comes back… great! If he doesn’t, you haven’t wasted 10 years of your life and you’ve learnt to find your happiness from within.

Going dark isn’t to elicit a response. It’s not a nerve test to see who cracks first. Going dark is actually a self preservation technique for the LBS.

I’ll say it again just to make it clear - NOTHING you can do, say, not do, not say, show him, or not show him is going to get him back. You’re a passenger on this wild ride, not the conductor. Time to drop the rope and concentrate only what you CAN control (which is you and your life BTW)!

Best of luck, keep posting here.

It will get better

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