Hi all, I'm new here and no offence, I wish I wasn't here, ha (I know you'll know what I mean by that). I'm so happy to have found this community. I have read the Divorce Remedy, which is how I came to hear of divorce busting. My husband walked out on me in April, the night before our 5th wedding anniversary. In total, we had been together 8 years. One thing I must say up front is there is no other woman. 100% on that.
My husband had a very traumatic childhood and is now in his fifties. His mother walked out when he was 7 and his sister 5. The night he left me, he told me he feels he only has twenty-something years left of life and that he's not happy and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life unhappy. It's all my fault apparently - I was nagging, critical, he couldn't do anything etc. Shortly after he left me, he was diagnosed with ADHD (when by chance I heard a guy on a radio show talking about being diagnosed with the condition as an adult and realised as I listened that my husband had all the same symptoms).
I mention that to explain that our relationship had become a parent/child one as my husband could not be trusted to remember any important tasks. I guess to him, that was me nagging - I'm sure it was, but feel I had good reason. Now of course, I wish I'd done things differently.
We occasionally talk and see other each rarely. However, we are meeting for lunch later today (I live in Asia.) When I see him, he is like a stranger, possessed. Even his eyes look different. But then sometimes there are flashes of the old man I knew. Yesterday, I had to have a hospital procedure done and when he found out, he transferred money to my account to pay for half, without me having asked.
We have no kids, just a dog and two cats. I occasionally send him photos of the animals and he tells me he misses them. He still wears his wedding ring but is adamant the marriage is over on the couple of occasions I've asked if we could please try to fix things (I know...)
What really scares me is that he keeps talking about looking for a new job overseas. I know divorce busting calls for patience but I'm so scared I'll lose him if he moves country before I've had a chance to put any plan into action.
At our lunch meeting later today, I was planning on asking if he'd agree to regular weekly meet-ups just as a way to "stay friends" - otherwise I never know when or if I'll see him, which makes putting any strategy into play very difficult. Is it wise to ask that?
Thank you all.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Most here would advise it is NOT wise to request regular meet ups. In fact, you should di the opposite - be less available, be mysterious, act happy and cheerful like you're interested in the prospect of your newfound freedom. Make him wonder if HE is going to lose YOU.
I'm on the road but will respond more later. Hopefully others will chime in.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I agree with BL42. Regular meetups are a bad thing, it will make him feel like he can go and blow his life up but still keep you in his back pocket (it’s called monkey branching, or plan B around here).
You’ll come across a saying here from many of the veterans who are wiser than me, which is “You can’t nice them back.” That’s probably the single hardest thing for a LBS, new to this site, to understand and enact.
This will probably fry your brain … (because we’ve all spent a lifetime being taught that to win or obtain something you want, you have to try harder and harder) … but ironically, your best chance of getting him back would be to say “I don’t want to meet up with you any more. This is not what I wanted, but I respect your decision. I’ve started packing your things, you can pick them up at xxx date and xxx time.” And then walk out and leave.
But that’s near-on impossible for a newcomer to do. There’s no way I could have done it at my bomb drop.
Also, regarding your 100% certainty that there’s no-one else - I’ve been around this site and several others for three years now, and have heard that hundreds of times from Newcomers. But in 99% of those cases, there is someone else. They hide it very well. They lie, they cheat, they cover their tracks. Normally the surety that there’s no-one else comes from you believing you have an incredibly deep connection and understanding of your spouse. But you aren’t the first, and won’t be the last, to discover by the time they bomb drop, they can be a shell of who they used to be/who you thought they were for many years.
Gosh… I’ve just read my post, and boy it’s got some pretty harsh truth bombs for someone who has just arrived here. I guess I just want you to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
You’re in good hands with the people at this website, hopefully some of the top-notch veterans will be along soon to help you out. They ooze compassion, understanding and great knowledge of what is, quite frankly, a sh*t sandwich.
I’m sorry you’re here. One day, you’ll be okay. We can’t tell you how long that will take, or how it will look (divorced or reconciled), but I guarantee that one day, you’ll be okay again.
By the time most LBS arrive here, they’ve already tried pleading, bargaining with their ex and that failed. The typical DB advice is to be LESS available as what we can’t have is often more desirable than what we can easily have. Consistent actions would be to cancel lunch and not reschedule, not meet weekly as “friends” since that’s not what you two are (you would presumably not be happy for him if he began dating someone kind, sext, and rich), and stop sending those animal pics. In other words let him miss who you are and what you two had together.
Originally Posted by Kind
But in 99% of those cases, there is someone else.
It’s not that high—there was no AP in my situation and several others I could name at the time of BD—but at least 80% who insist there’s no AP end up discovering one. Challenge your assumption, especially if it’s based on words or you think he couldn’t find time, but don’t fall deep into paranoia if you’re certain that’s not the case or at least not why he left.
Originally Posted by Reeling
when he found out
How did he find out? How do you see each other rarely? GAL and 180s are a huge focus of DB and people often underestimate how much of it their ex will find out about through social media, friends in common, arranged pickups of things from the home, random encounters, etc. Living your best life instead of being stuck in grieving mode tends to make you more attractive. I challenge you to consider one item to add to each of your GAL and 180s lists and work on those!
Traveler - the percentage is a little lower when women leave, but when men leave the odds of an OW are well over 95%. Yes, I thought my exH wasn’t cheating when I first came here too! (Silly me!!!)
Traveler - the percentage is a little lower when women leave, but when men leave the odds of an OW are well over 95%. Yes, I thought my exH wasn’t cheating when I first came here too! (Silly me!!!)
Interesting notion. Could be! The four no-cheating situations that sprung to mind all involved women walking away.
One thing I must say up front is there is no other woman. 100% on that.
As others have mentioned, brace yourself for the likelihood there is another party involved. Whether the percentage is 80 or 99, the point is in the vast majority of cases here it ends up coming to light at some point that the spouse leaving is/was having an affair...even when the LBS swears up and down it's not possible.
Originally Posted by Reeling
The night he left me, he told me he feels he only has twenty-something years left of life and that he's not happy and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life unhappy.
It's very possible he was unhappy. Most people leaving are trying to find happiness, and don't realize happiness comes from within and other people/things can't make them happy in the long run.
Originally Posted by Reeling
It's all my fault apparently - I was nagging, critical, he couldn't do anything etc.
Originally Posted by Reeling
I mention that to explain that our relationship had become a parent/child one as my husband could not be trusted to remember any important tasks. I guess to him, that was me nagging - I'm sure it was, but feel I had good reason. Now of course, I wish I'd done things differently.
Certainly examine what you can do better / change about yourself, but also don't let his story define you - many times it's about the WS/WAS, not the LBS.
Originally Posted by Reeling
We occasionally talk and see other each rarely.
Do you know where he's living?
Originally Posted by Reeling
We have no kids, just a dog and two cats.
Not to make light of your situation, because I know it's difficult, but in many ways no kids is going to make this much easier.
Originally Posted by Reeling
I occasionally send him photos of the animals and he tells me he misses them.
Stop sending him photos.
Originally Posted by Reeling
He still wears his wedding ring but is adamant the marriage is over on the couple of occasions I've asked if we could please try to fix things (I know...)
You've asked. Now stop asking. If he wants to reconcile he knows where to find you.
Originally Posted by Reeling
What really scares me is that he keeps talking about looking for a new job overseas. I know divorce busting calls for patience but I'm so scared I'll lose him if he moves country before I've had a chance to put any plan into action.
You need to find a way to drop your fear. With fear you'll beg and plead and ask him to reconsider and he'll know you're weak and on the hook. Without fear you'll be confident knowing you're going to have a good life whether he's a part of it or not, and that's more attractive. Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen? He moves away and you get divorced. I know that sounds awful now - and I certainly don't wish it upon anyone - but you WILL be alright regardless. When you look back on this in a year or two you'll realize how far you've come and not be fearful of the future anymore.
Originally Posted by Reeling
At our lunch meeting later today, I was planning on asking if he'd agree to regular weekly meet-ups just as a way to "stay friends" - otherwise I never know when or if I'll see him, which makes putting any strategy into play very difficult. Is it wise to ask that?
How did lunch go?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thank you so much for your responses and feedback; I truly appreciate it.
So, honestly, I know I sound naïve and may never convince some of you, but there truly, honestly is no other woman. I am fully aware there may be eventually. Right now, there is not. I have so many reasons for saying this and won't go into them all. There have been too many occasions when I have found him/seen him sitting in a bar with a male friend or two at a time when if there was another woman he would be with her.
This is not my only reason for saying this. We have had very honest conversations (please believe me on this) and he has told me more than once that there is nobody else, there was nobody else and he will tell me if there ever is anybody else, before I find out from someone else. Whatever about everything else that has gone on, I believe him on this. I know I sound naïve, there's not much I can do about that.
We live in Thailand, therefore most of the women are Asian. He is not attracted to Thai girls, never has been. That is just another factor.
He recently got back from a visit to friends and family in England, where he's from. On his return, he got straight off a long-haul flight and went to a bar to meet his (male) friends to watch a big game. I know this, because I walked into the bar a few minutes after him, totally not expecting him to be there. He'd been away for 3 weeks. Again, at the risk of sounding naïve, wouldn't the logical thing be for him to go straight from his flight to the other woman? Except there isn't one.
Another way I know: his friends, including his best friend, have talked to me without him knowing. They have told me they think he's losing his mind. They have also told me there is 100% nobody else (which is partly why they can't understand what he's doing).
I'll leave it there, rather than risk having this entire response become me listing reasons why there is nobody else. There just isn't. Fully aware that may change but for now...
I have tried cutting contact because I was instigating most of it. So I went dark. It achieved nothing. He went dark too. We didn't see, hear, or speak to each other and it broke my heart. He did not appear to miss me - I'm just basing that on the fact that he didn't break NC. I eventually resumed contact as I couldn't see how I could save my marriage if we weren't in contact.
I also tried doing a 180 - I flew to New York and stayed with a friend for two weeks. This is a BIG DEAL, it is a journey over nearly 30 hours from here. I did it while he was in England and he was shocked and taken aback when he found out. Not sure it achieved anything else other than significantly lightening my wallet, ha.
I am working on myself but how can he ever see that if we don't see each other? He very, very rarely uses social media. We have very few friends in common that would feed anything back to him about me doing GAL or moving on or anything like that. The friends I mentioned earlier who spoke to me to say they think he's losing his mind and there is nobody else are not here - they are all in England.
We met for lunch yesterday and had the best day. I decided no relationship talk, no heavy stuff, just keep it light and fun. When lunch was over, I suggested a drink somewhere and he agreed. We ended up spending about 6 hours together, all of which consisted of laughter and good conversation. At one point, he talked about his trip to England and I asked him what his friends had said when he told them about our break-up (he does not know obviously that his friends have all contacted me).
He replied, "They all told me to think very carefully about what I'm doing - to make sure I'm not making a mistake".
I just replied by saying, "Well, that's good advice" and left it at that.
But I was glad he was honest in his reply and didn't just say something like, "Oh, they were just sad to hear the news".
He dropped me home early evening. We live on a beautiful island and a lot of people go to the beach in the evening to watch the sunset. I told him I would be taking the dog to do that and asked if he wanted to join us (I know, I shouldn't have). He said no, that he had to get home, but then added, "but maybe during the week?" I said that would be nice.
He has left all his stuff here since he walked out in April. All he has with him are some clothes and his toothbrush and shaver. He even left all his aftershave here and when I do see him, he usually looks unshaven, tired, stressed. I mean, really, I do not think there is someone else... He is staying in a tiny condo he has described as a "sh*thole" (sorry, I hope that's allowed!).
Yesterday, before he left, he asked if he could take two pieces of Tupperware as he doesn't have any at his place. There's a whole cupboard of the stuff at my place (most of it collected by him - we used to joke about it). I said of course, then pointed at a George Foreman grill I had bought him just before he walked out, as he'd been saying he really wanted to get one. I asked him if he wanted to take it. He hesitated, then said, "no, that's okay for now. Things are complicated right now, aren't they?"
I have no idea what that meant, I just shrugged and said, "okay, up to you".
He had brought me a jar of pickled onions he'd got while visiting his Dad in England - his Dad makes these and they're super spicy. My husband can't eat them but knows I like them and his Dad had asked him to give them to me.
So after he left, I decided try one but could not get the lid off the glass jar, it was screwed so tightly shut. So I messaged him (we communicate via WhatsApp) and told him, throwing in a few laughing emojis and making a joke of it.
He responded, "I will fix for you" and put a kiss at the end of the message. (Not wanting to read too much into that but he hasn't done that for a while).
To answer how he found out I was having a minor procedure (needed an MRI for an arm injury) and paid for half of it - I told him.
I've had a few calls with coach Joann but the last one was in June. I know I should go dark but I'm worried that all that will happen if I do that is that he goes dark too. And we just continue in darkness indefinitely. I am trying to bring him back in from the cold.
I appreciate all your support so much. Thank you and sorry this is a bit long.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
Hi again everyone, this is my second post today but the first one hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully this will be approved at the same time. There is a big time difference between where I am and where most of you are, I guess. I am really struggling with terrible sadness today. Just because we had such a great day yesterday so now I am missing him so badly. I just desperately want to pick up the phone and ask him to please come by so we can talk and decide to fix things. Obviously I'm not going to do that but God, it's so hard.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
