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Elbereth,

I am truly sorry that you are considering leave the Board. It can still be a lifeline to you and the newbies as well. One thing I learned many years ago is that....if you don't like what is being posted on a particular thread, then do not read it.

Again, I am truly sorry. The Board was not like this years ago. I understand people get frustrated and have good and bad days, but I do not condone being disrespectful regardless of who is right, wrong or sitting on the fence. This is a public forum and if they do not agree, etc., then leave the forum for a while.

I do hope that if you opt to leave, that you will leave the door open and return when you need assistance.

I wish you all of the best.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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El, I'm sorry you're contemplating leaving. I get it. I am going to do my best to keep checking in on the MLC side. Life's gotten quite busy lately here, so I'm not able to spend as much time here as before.

I hope you continue to post xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Dear El,
My sincere apologies for not replying to your thread sooner. I will log in from time to time as I have greatly appreciated your support all this time.

However, I completely understand your reaction because I also have a real hard time with how people sometimes react to certain messages. That is why I haven’t been posting for quite some time although I still follow your thread and most of the MLC threads.

I will also try to keep my thread alive by occasionally sketching a sequel of the situation. I personally find it important that others can make a comparison with their current situation.
It makes me happy to read that you too are making so much progress and are on your way to a complete healing of the pain that was inflicted on you.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
No one has mentioned my XHs MR to OW to me yet. I’m not sure if it’s because no one really is aware (as they did move away from everyone) or if no one wants to tell me. Honestly, I’ve not really heard from anyone on his side since. So a part of me has fears that folks are distancing from me. My XH did reach out post his marriage about the kids, but made no mention of his MR. And I did not either. Maybe he was testing to see if I knew?
On one hand, I did expect them to marry at some point. They have a story that they need to tell. But is it weird that I feel hurt that the ink was barely dry on our D before they did it? I know I don’t want him back, but I do still feel the feelings of being discarded. Rejection at any level hurts…so I’m doing my best to remind myself that being rejected by someone who really isn’t worthy is not worth focusing on.
Of course, it is normal for this to be a painful experience. Just because you don't want the relationship back doesn't mean the love you felt for him is completely gone. I am even convinced that this will never go away completely, but that we will be able to give it more and more a place in our hearts.

Take care EL XXX


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Hello all. I thought I'd pop in to provide a little update. I apologize that I've not had the chance to check up on how others' situations are progressing.

I went on a trip in the fall which was amazing. However, I caught covid during the trip. I also had another medical issue before I left, so both of those things set me back a bit health-wise. Before that I was feeling amazing. I'd lost weight, felt more energy, and was doing regular exercise. I am still working back up to where I was. I do think covid left some lasting effects on my energy level and my lungs.

The holidays were awkward. After so many years of having a family of my own to celebrate with, it was a very lonely time. A family member of mine did invite me over and I wasn't alone on Xmas day, but it didn't really feel like a holiday. But I'm still grateful for it. I was able to see my boys for a couple of hours while they were in town. Of course, at their ages, they just want to see their friends, so that I tried not to take it personally. But it did make me very sad. I guess all of these feelings are normal during the holidays. It is a hard time for a lot of people, right?

My medical issues have dragged out a bit so that has slowed down any attempt at dating. But after I have my surgery, I hope that by early summer I can put focus on it. I'm not sure if I will use a matchmaker, OLD, or what, but even though I have a lot of fear, there is a part of me that is looking forward to a future with someone. Or at least spending some time with someone and growing my confidence.

I've continued counseling and a lot of self-help. I have had my ups and downs for sure. Honestly, I've tried very hard to avoid all contact with my ex but it seems that every few weeks or so something comes up and he reaches out. My counselor thinks he's doing it on purpose to keep me close. Maybe so. I'm cordial, but I am not friendly. I honestly do not know what to think. All I know is that each time I get a message, it gets to me and I'm down for a few days. I then dwell on him and he comes back into my dreams. I'm much better when there is no contact at all...no reminders...no seeing his name or hearing his voice. All those things are hard. Even with knowing that he isn't the person I fell in love with.

His family did find out that no one told me that he got married. In fact, when he told them that he was getting married, they told him he needed to tell me. So they thought he had. Needless to say, I think the family thought that was pretty disrespectful of him. I agreed. I've also have the impression they do not care much for the OW nor do they approve of the marriage. However, I avoid asking too many questions. His family continues to be supportive of me. Which I'm so grateful for. I've also asked the relatives to check in with the boys...as they avoid talking to me about it all. I worry about how this whole situation has affected them. They said they will try to see what they can find out.

I am still struggling to find work but have had a couple of projects or odd jobs. Health insurance has been a nightmare, but now I think I'm on a decent plan. I'm focusing on applying for jobs and exploring new opportunities. I've also made a few new girlfriends. I also have a few more trips planned for this year. After all that I've been through, I'm doing my best to do things that feed my soul and bring me joy.

Anyway, sending positive vibes to my friends on here, and I will try to catch up with you all within the next few weeks. I'll also check back in to see if my post just sits here and grows cobwebs...then I'll know that my thread is on its deathbed for sure. Haha!

Elbereth


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Elbereth,
Originally Posted by Elbereth
The holidays were awkward. After so many years of having a family of my own to celebrate with, it was a very lonely time...I guess all of these feelings are normal during the holidays. It is a hard time for a lot of people, right?
You're not alone. I think it's common for folks in our situations to feeling lonely at the holidays.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm not sure if I will use a matchmaker, OLD, or what, but even though I have a lot of fear, there is a part of me that is looking forward to a future with someone.
Lots of OLD discussion, but not much matchmaker talk! Where do you even find one these days?

Originally Posted by Elbereth
Honestly, I've tried very hard to avoid all contact with my ex but it seems that every few weeks or so something comes up and he reaches out.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm much better when there is no contact at all...no reminders...no seeing his name or hearing his voice.
Honest question...can't you block him? What necessitates contact these days? You don't have young children together.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
His family did find out that no one told me that he got married. In fact, when he told them that he was getting married, they told him he needed to tell me. So they thought he had. Needless to say, I think the family thought that was pretty disrespectful of him. I agreed.
You know what was WAY more disrespectful than not telling you he got remarried? Having the affair and divorcing you in the first place. Not even close.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm focusing on applying for jobs and exploring new opportunities. I've also made a few new girlfriends. I also have a few more trips planned for this year. After all that I've been through, I'm doing my best to do things that feed my soul and bring me joy.
Sounds good! Keep it up Elbereth!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hey BL42,

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm not sure if I will use a matchmaker, OLD, or what, but even though I have a lot of fear, there is a part of me that is looking forward to a future with someone.
Lots of OLD discussion, but not much matchmaker talk! Where do you even find one these days?

Don’t worry, not all old-fashioned like that where you find a matchmaker through your Aunt Lidia. I would look into a service… there are a few of those that are nationwide.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Honestly, I've tried very hard to avoid all contact with my ex but it seems that every few weeks or so something comes up and he reaches out.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm much better when there is no contact at all...no reminders...no seeing his name or hearing his voice.
Honest question...can't you block him? What necessitates contact these days? You don't have young children together.

Of course, I could block him, but I feel like that would complicate my relationship with my SSs, his kids, who are barely adults. Right now I'm avoiding him but not blocking him completely. I may later as the kids get bigger, but right now this is where I am at. Yes, it bothers me when he reaches out, but at least it's not constant. If it becomes unmanageable on my part, then I may block him. My focus is to maintain a positive relationship with my SSs. And drama with their dad would complicate things.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Elbereth
His family did find out that no one told me that he got married. In fact, when he told them that he was getting married, they told him he needed to tell me. So they thought he had. Needless to say, I think the family thought that was pretty disrespectful of him. I agreed.
You know what was WAY more disrespectful than not telling you he got remarried? Having the affair and divorcing you in the first place. Not even close.

Yep, very true! Yes, it hurt, but I do realize that it is just more disrespect toward me...on par with what he's been doing for a long time. I shouldn't be surprised, I know, but I guess at some point I hoped he'd actually be respectful (considering how gracious I've been). I can't help it. But I've been realizing that he just isn't ever going to be that person. When someone shows you who and what they are, you should believe it. And I'm starting to believe it.

Right now I am being the better person. And I think everyone in our circle sees that. Except maybe my XH. Who knows. But for now, I am just focusing on my life and my relationship with the kids. I am doing my best to avoid him. I'm doing my best to move forward.

Thanks for your encouragement! It's definitely been a struggle.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hi El, glad to see you posting again girlie !!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Elbereth,
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I guess at some point I hoped he'd actually be respectful (considering how gracious I've been). I can't help it. But I've been realizing that he just isn't ever going to be that person. When someone shows you who and what they are, you should believe it. And I'm starting to believe it.
Indeed.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
Right now I am being the better person. And I think everyone in our circle sees that. Except maybe my XH. Who knows. But for now, I am just focusing on my life and my relationship with the kids. I am doing my best to avoid him. I'm doing my best to move forward.
Good place to put your focus. Keep at it!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
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Link to new thread is here.


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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