That amazing person was the love of my life. He just may not have been real, or honest, and may be a covert narcissist. A facade.
He was and is real. Humans are complicated. I do not think it was ever his intention to trip snd fall away from you. What you have now does not negate what was.It took me a long time to understand what I had, was real and it wasn't wasted time. The reason it hurts so much, is because it was real. Your mame suggests you may have heard this before
I never have been indifferent nor do I want to be, now. Make no mistake, I WORKED my a$$ off towards that end (indifference) and for me, the lack of feeling towards him and everything about "us" was ultimately what fed the thoughts of "wasn't real" etc. and made everything feel like it was a mistake. It was hard and painful to say goodbye to the man I married, to us and to that part of me ^^^ like the Dude said. it's pretty empowering. And remember to be kind to yourself regardless of where all of this takes you.
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How many LBS get finally to indifference only to have their Xs suddenly come back around? I fear that. I fear that as soon as I reach indifference and feel it to my core, he will play games with me and throw me backwards.
I hear you, but there are many other signs that I see now that showed that much of my relationship with my ex was with a facade… He even pretended to be someone else with past relationships to get what he wanted. I heard the stories, but saw the side he showed me…the victim…instead of the red flags that they were.
What was real was the love I felt for him. Even if it was the version of H he showed me. But I am pretty sure I am right that what he felt for me was more what I did for him than who I am as a person. And he really showed who he actually is by his actions over the last several years. It is painful to say goodbye to all sides of the man I married…but I hope the progress I have made will continue to make it easier over time.
Yes, fear can hold us in places we need to move from. I am trying to get past the fear. Working in it, and these other things with my IC and on my own. Thank you for visiting my thread and for your words and advice. I appreciate it.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
What was real was the love I felt for him………But I am pretty sure I am right that what he felt for me was more what I did for him than who I am as a person.
I could have written the exact same thing about my ex!
What was real was the love I felt for him………But I am pretty sure I am right that what he felt for me was more what I did for him than who I am as a person.
I could have written the exact same thing about my ex!
Ugh, I’m sorry. It is not a good feeling.
I read something on a forum that resonated with me…and maybe describes more how I feel my relationship with my spouse was a facade…at least he was. It was in regards to BPD and how the love bombing is really for themselves…and there was love bombing in the beginning of our relationship. It is described that they love bomb for themselves because they do not feel love, they feel NEED. A deep need to see themselves as wonderful and worthy. The more they throw at you, the more they feel this need. They have a irrational, deep-seated need for devotion and admiration and praise from someone that reflects well upon them. And his family and friends love me and think I am the best person he’s ever been with.
But what really is awful about this is that they have no “them” to give, or rather that is what they feel. They have some idea that they are showing a version of themselves that hides the emptiness and lack of self esteem inside and they know you are buying into this facade. And so they start to despise you for buying into it, the moment you “let them down” by just being a normal human being with limits. But as long as they are getting what they need from it, they will keep the act going. But when the veneer hiding the black hole of self-loathing inside of them crumbles, the person they thought was so awesome is now the one that they take it out on. When you show you cannot feed their endless black hole of need, they hate you for it. Or they just decide to do whatever they want regardless of how it makes you feel. They move on. The level of indifference they feel towards you is equal to the level of adoration they once felt for you.
I honestly do not know if my XH had BPD. I do know that some of the symptoms are there. And I also feel that his needs from me were insatiable…to the point that my life, my health, everything deteriorated around him. And I received very little in return…just enough to keep me wanting those rare moments of feeling truly loved. I’ve said before that I ended this relationship feeling like an old worn out sock full of holes and discarded. I was never going to be enough. No one will. And looking back I see he molded himself to fit me, as well as he molded himself in past relationships to fit them. When we met, it came across to me as a compliment that he was so interested in me and so interested in the things I am interested in that I took this to mean he was in love with me. But now I see it that he really never truly loved me at all. I just served his needs for a time.
It’s crazy how hindsight can allow you to see things so differently. I know many of you say “don’t rewrite the past” but to me the past is just getting clearer. And it’s not a good one. It was a waste of the love I had to give. It was pretty one sided. Sure, I loved and adored him (the him I THOUGHT he was). But he used me and didn’t love me. Not a good feeling.
One positive thing to come out of this relationship is that now I have the knowledge. I know better what to look for and avoid. Of course I am still petrified of ending up with another person like him (that’s why I will be dating with both a dating coach and an IC), but I am still willing to put myself out there to find someone who is deserving of my love. I refuse to have a hardened heart because of who my XH was.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
No one has mentioned my XHs MR to OW to me yet. I’m not sure if it’s because no one really is aware (as they did move away from everyone) or if no one wants to tell me. Honestly, I’ve not really heard from anyone on his side since. So a part of me has fears that folks are distancing from me. My XH did reach out post his marriage about the kids, but made no mention of his MR. And I did not either. Maybe he was testing to see if I knew?
On one hand, I did expect them to marry at some point. They have a story that they need to tell. But is it weird that I feel hurt that the ink was barely dry on our D before they did it? I know I don’t want him back, but I do still feel the feelings of being discarded. Rejection at any level hurts…so I’m doing my best to remind myself that being rejected by someone who really isn’t worthy is not worth focusing on.
I’ve been out GALing and enjoying my summer. I’ve made some new friends and have been physically and emotionally feeling better. I’ve dropped at least 10 lbs and I’m exercising a lot more. I worry as the seasons change that it will be harder to maintain with the days getting shorter (and I am not very comfortable going out walking by myself after dark). And working out at a gym is not really my thing either.
I’ve not started any OLD profiles yet. I’ve signed up on a couple of apps, but just have been poking around with an empty profile. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts about dating (post divorce or otherwise) and I’m getting excited about it. But with just finishing my training course and working on getting myself ready to start seeking employment has been my bigger priority lately. If I met someone and they asked me out, I’d be willing, but otherwise, I’ve not really felt the rush to get my profiles up or invest in dating. I don’t feel desperate about it. Which is good I guess. I’m also going to be traveling this fall, so my focus is elsewhere. I do tend to look around me when I’m out and about for any potential opportunities to meet someone organically.
Well, that’s about all that’s been going on with me. Sad that Summer is coming to an end. Winter is very long where I live. The kids will be home for some of the time during the holidays, so I’m excited about that, even if I know I will get only very limited time with them.
That’s about all at the moment. Still making progress every day!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
What kind of exercise do you enjoy? Maybe I can give you some pointers on how to translate it into the winter months.
My ex too got engaged before soon after the ink was dry. The feeling of being discarded hurts. I get that. But your focus is absolutely correct. He’s not worthy, therefore his rejection isn’t worthy.
You’ll get out there again. Keeping your eyes open and your heart open while not pursing is a good way to approach things. You seem extremely grounded and Ike you are enjoying life !
I love to walk/hike and yoga/pilates. I have invested a bit in home based gym gear such as hand weights, bands, balls, etc. No exercise machines. My apartment is too small to go crazy. I tried running but never could get into it. I have worked out at a gym, but never with a trainer. Maybe I’d like it more if I tried a trainer…who would keep me motivated and committed to going! I also used to ride horses which I would love to do again and is quite the workout.
As for my outlook about my ex and all, I think I’m a realist. Logically I see how things were and what person he is. But convincing my heart to stop feeling some of the hurt has been harder. I find that really strange. I kind of think it’s just because I was trauma bonded or used to having him in my life. I do feel pretty detached, I know I deserve better and I’m excited about the future, but, I have been a bit thrown back by his marriage…and the fact that no one has mentioned it to me. Why should I care? I have a strong feeling the relationship won’t work out long term. I hope it’s just because I fear the loss of or distance with the family as a result, more than anything to do with my ex.
I don’t know, but I’m doing my best to distract myself from that circus and keep the focus on myself and my health, and my goals for my future. At least I am making good progress with that!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Considering my parents divorced when I was young, and my bio-dad wasn’t really in my life, it could have impacted me in ways I don’t fully understand. I did have an amazing step-dad, but he didn’t come into my life until I was a pre-teen. We also moved around a lot when I was younger. I used to really feel that the way I grew up gave me grit and allowed me to fit in anywhere. But now that I’m older and after what I have gone through, I wonder if there is still some unresolved things from my past that I need to work through. I’ve brought up this with my IC as well.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I’m considering leaving this forum along with the others that have recently left. Most of the folks that have supported me on my journey are no longer here, and that makes me sad. This forum was a lifeline to me, and I feel sad that the new folks that come along are not going to benefit from the knowledge and experience from which I benefited. I still am in need of the support, but it feels less and less like I will find it here.
I hope that those remaining and offering support to the newbies respect differences of opinion and advice, and that the focus remains on the those needing the support instead of bickering between posters over who is more right, wrong, rude, caring, fake, rightous, whatever. There is enough pain and drama in each of our MR experiences and in the current world. I hope this place becomes again the refuge it once was.
For those still here that have offered me support, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
