Most days of doing good with some bad mixed in from time to time is honestly as well as anyone can do. Nothing is linear, nothing is always good. Nothing is always bad.
Having another relationship while missing her…… you’ll know how that works when you get there. I’m sure it is really hard to fathom now and there is no need.
I know you are trying not to climb into yourself and you are doing a great job of that. But have you considered a bereavement group? As you know from these boards, sometimes it’s just helpful and healing to find others who have actually lived what you are experiencing. Just a suggestion.
You sure have helped a lot of people through this forum. You’ve made some lasting friendships that have shaped people and even saved them. It’s a reason to gloat, lol. I’m one of those people you have really helped. I don’t know that my growth would have been what it is without the friendship and wisdom of some people on here, you included. I’m so grateful for it.
I am working on making that weekend work. I believe I can, even if for the day. I’ll be in touch. The good news is I’m not working that weekend in person anywhere. I just need to be reachable. I think G is with her dad .
I’ve lost my mother at a young at age, but you know how that R was. I’ve never lost someone I wholly loved and who wholly loved me. But I have spoken to many who have in my line of work. And they all say it. That special love was a gift, and while they miss that person more than anyone could imagine. They are blessed to have experienced a love like that. And I know you live every day knowing you were loved and loved back fiercely
It's been a strange week, which oddly seems to be the new normal in my life..
A week ago last Monday, was one of the roughest days I've had since she passed. I could not get everything out of my head, and by mid-day, I kinda had a meltdown of emotion washing through me.
It lasted a few hours and toward afternoon, I felt a sort of peace come over me. I can only assume that it was a release of sorts, everything leaving my head, and letting go of some things. I've been in that place since then...feeling some peace and relief with my new arrangement in life.
I have no clue what started things, or why they lasted as they did. It wasn't one thing in particular, more of a culmination of things all balled together that just let loose.
As the week went on, there were a couple things that popped up, and everything just 'felt' different. The way I heard things, the way I saw things, and certainly the way I dealt with things.
Everything with her Father came to a head shortly before the weekend. He had been in the hospital for a few days and got word that he has cancer now. His anxiety over her celebration, combined with this new news has me wondering if he is drinking again, which is entirely possible considering that he has no support system in place for his recovery. There have been no steps taken, and he isolates himself for days at a time.
I ask myself what would K do, or how would she want me to handle this situation for her. I feel that first off, she would tell me to walk away from anything that could possibly cause me to loose myself in the process. And she would ask me to help when I can, if I can without any major sacrifice of myself. She would verbalize that she appreciated everything that I did, and then her actions later would reaffirm that she did : )
She, on the other hand, would have been on the first flight out of town, and would be in charge of the Oncology ward by now....anyone that knows her certainly knows what I am talking about....that ferocity of hers....and as fierce as she was, even she had limits when it came to her family. She knew when to walk away from things. Typically just after she had whipped them into order... : )
I did have to lay a couple boundaries with him. We have opposite communication styles, and if he avoids me, then so be it. However, I had missed a call from him and he felt it necessary to berate me in text. Needless to say, that didn't end well for him. Number 1 and 2, well, this is supposed to be a PG rated forum.....Number 3 on my list was...Don't ever mistake my kindness for a weakness...
I seem to be sinking into "routine" once again. Life seems to just be there, so I am finding that I have to occasionally put myself out there, and force myself to 'do' things, even if I don't feel like doing them. I went to a Cider festival Saturday....sigh. Too hot, too unorganized, too many people there. I did find a couple that I liked though...
So things are moving along steadily for now. A couple more weeks until her service, which undoubtedly will be bittersweet. I am looking forward to meeting a lot of her family for the first time, and spending some time doing some things for me. I am going to do my own private thing, with just me and her on that Tuesday, which is our unofficial anniversary. One last goodbye to her on her earthly level. Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.
There will be several people from here that I hope to spend some time with actually...
It will be interesting to see if my new small level of peace continues through that. I almost expect a fallback of sorts to gain another step forward. Just can't get caught up in predicting future feelings.
I have some trigger days coming ahead of me too. so keeping those at bay may be difficult, or not.
I remember the words of the Pirate (ironically speaking) who once told me that trigger days are just regular days that WE place expectations on.....yea....well FU Fenn....you are the trigger.... : )
G, I did a couple things with bereavement services. It was laughable at the level that they participate in it. I had signed up for a couple services during the hospice intake, and when I finally heard from them over a month after she passed...well...
I have been thinking about doing some IC though. Just to work through things in my head...
Take each day as it comes and do not try to look too far into the future. Grief is a beast. Sometimes you feel great and then something will set you back and you are at the anger stage once again. Work through those feelings that come up. Trying to go around them will only make them return once again and bite you in the rear unexpectedly.
IC would be a good start to just kind of sort things out a bit and to actually have someone to talk to. Do not be afraid to ask for help or for someone to just listen. Talking through some of the feelings will help you.
As for her father, if the situation is a bit much at this time, then step away for the day or even a few days. He has to deal with his health crisis and the loss of his daughter in his own way. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else.
But most importantly, be patient with yourself. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to take out your frustration, then beat the heck out of a pillow or go to the gym and work up a sweat. There will be times when you will sit quietly and the answers will come...but do not stay in one place too long. As you work through the grieving process, you will find yourself starting to smile again, listening to music and doing the things that you have loved doing for many years. Just know, she will always be in your heart and she is never far away in your memory.
One step at a time, one day at a time. Patience is the key.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
with my mom, hospice was great; their bereavement services were sub-par. it's ok. the lady made the effort, but ... it just didn't really ... felt more pro forma than genuine.
IC is always worth pursuing, especially if you have a goal in mind. In my experience that kept things on target when I was dealing with being responsible for elder family members (not mom and dad - I had a starter set twenty years before).
is patience a four letter word for you?
again, all you have to do is keep breathing, keep showing up. I'm pretty sure she'd tell you she's proud of how you've done so far.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D Final 12/23/16
"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
It’s certainly evident her spirit drives you forward and she’s living within you.
IC is never a bad thing. I think it’s a great idea. Hell, I think everyone should be in IC.
Also, lately, I started sorting the jumbled thoughts in my head onto paper. Even if it’s just the things I want to accomplish now near future or far future or just what is stressing me out , I write it down and organize it. Might help sort through some of your thoughts.
Hey you. So. ..unworthy would say keep busy, keep moving forward, it's a marathon not a race..and all of that is true.. Your. Friend, D, is going to say.. "you need to have freakin patience with yourself. Because I can read between the lines cuz I know you. And you are wanting to be further along. STOP that.
This unfolds as it does..twists. and turns and backwards and forwards and upside down. The only way to do it is through it.
Will see you soon. So sad I won't be able to see the tutu guy..but looking forward to seeing you and the others.
Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.
Unconfirmed reports are saying that he has settled down a bit. Possibly even wearing drawers under his Tutu...
Probably Batman underoos.....none the less....anything should be better than his "free range' days...
Originally Posted by UR darlin
Hey you. So. ..uRworthy would say keep busy, keep moving forward, it's a marathon not a race..and all of that is true.. Your. Friend, D, is going to say.. "you need to have freakin patience with yourself. Because I can read between the lines cuz I know you. And you are wanting to be further along. STOP that.
I love you both dearly Darlin.....so I'm gonna try this on for size...
You see me perhaps clearer than I see myself at times...so if you are seeing it, then there is truth in there.
Here's the part where I say otherwise, and then you can come back and tell me that I'm full of it : )
I don't feel that I am rushing anything, yet it is entirely possible that I am. This thing coming up, has spiraled completely out of control, so I stopped trying to control it. I've stepped back and washed my hands of almost all of it. and I'm at the point where I just want it to be over already.
The bittersweet part is that I get to see y'all, yet the reason is 50 shades of F'ed up....
Her Father is driving me insane about it, and although I have set , and will continue to set boundaries with him, I feel that I need to draw some really hard ones. I'm kind of waiting until after her service to see what happens then. If my sanity lasts that long. Maybe that's where my impatience is lurking...just ready to be done dealing with him about this.
I'm aware that I can be done at any time. I just know that IF this gets F'ed up in any way, it will feel a disservice to her. So there is a part of me that feels that I have to stay involved, and it feels so passive aggressive at times, manipulative even. THAT is the part of me that I am sacrificing for this, for her. She would tell me that Funerals are for the living, and to back away, and she doesn't need this to happen. And dammit, I know she's right cause she is on my shoulder screaming it at me. Although I know that she is the only one in her family that could see it that way, except her Son. So maybe it's the anxiety over the perception, and showing her family how deep my love for their K is, that is making me crazy and impatient......when all that truly matters is how I feel, and how I love her.....
Sigh...that ^^ just snapped in my head...
There is some excitement to being there, and maybe there is some impatience in that also. Once there and the ceremonial part is done, THAT is the part that I want to last for way longer than it will...