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Hey Moonshine,

It's good to hear that you can be thankful for her and almost smile. These memories will eventually let you talk story and in my world, that's how we honor those we love. Besides, you have a knack for the story wink

I know, you know, that through the pain is the only way you'll be able to find all the joy in those memories. If talking story helps, you have the floor. (((((Hugs)))))

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Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Originally Posted by Elbereth
Hi Mach1,

Grief does suck. Loss [censored]. But your loving words about K show that the gifts of your time together were large, and that is something wonderful. And your grief reflects the love you have for her. So, don’t rush it. Hold it, embrace it, and find a place to put it inside of you so that you can move forward with it. Because I don’t think grief ever leaves us, but it does get easier to walk forward with.

Hugs, El

Hey E...

Thank you so much....

That's what I'm tryin to do ...

Just to feel everything, regardless where it takes me...

I didn't hide my love, therefore I'm not gonna hide my grief...

Hope things are well with you, and thanks for the hugs....

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Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Hey Moonshine,

It's good to hear that you can be thankful for her and almost smile. These memories will eventually let you talk story and in my world, that's how we honor those we love. Besides, you have a knack for the story wink

I know, you know, that through the pain is the only way you'll be able to find all the joy in those memories. If talking story helps, you have the floor. (((((Hugs)))))


Hey there yourself Sunshine !!!

Stories are getting there, smiles are getting there, just a loooooong road. And as it was so eloquently pointed out to me recently....

I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....

And dammmm....reading back through all of this, it sounds as if I am really pathetic with it all. And while there are times when I am, they aren't as common now as they have been. You know me, and when I journal, it is pure feelings and emotions. One of the reasons that I started the thread, was to have an outlet to get that out. IRL, I am not typically that way. My Appalachian heritage had always ingrained into me about burying feelings and suppressing emotion. One of my things I fought hard for with the fight for self several years ago.

Now, I just type straight from the heart to my fingers, remove the brain ( which has never been such a challenge), and just lay it all out there....

Good, Bad, Indifferent....it's all in there....

Stories may have to wait a bit.....They are still finding room in my head....

Hugs back sweetness....(((smooches)))

: )

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.


Well, I didn't know you were gonna get all specific with it : P


So yea, prolly not that, all the time....


I will say, that ^^^ has gotten (me, us, her) through some tough times, and I highly recommend it...

Thank you for the reminder B-lady.....muchly appreciated....

: )

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Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.


Well, I didn't know you were gonna get all specific with it : P

Well, there's breathing ... and then there's breathing -- the healing kind, that goes deep into your lungs, bringing oxygen to all your cells, calming body, mind and spirit.

Originally Posted by Mach1
So yea, prolly not that, all the time....
quelle surprise!

Originally Posted by Mach1
I will say, that ^^^ has gotten (me, us, her) through some tough times, and I highly recommend it...

Thank you for the reminder B-lady.....muchly appreciated....

: )

you're welcome.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Quote
I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....


Also, this somehow seems to fit wink "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears." ~Barbara Johnson

One of the nice things about journaling, is being able to get that energy out in front of you so you can look at it and evaluate whether the thoughts are something you actually believe and if they are serving you in your quest, whatever that may be. To do that requires the good, the bad and the ugly...yes, yes I went there (did you just hear Morricone too?)

Feelings are hard period and given your story, all the more so. That you recognize the burying of emotion and have pulled out the shovel is really quite a feat. I am familiar with that mindset and the distance you have come is truly commendable. Sometimes we just can see it when we're right on top of it.

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Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Quote
I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....


Also, this somehow seems to fit wink "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears." ~Barbara Johnson

One of the nice things about journaling, is being able to get that energy out in front of you so you can look at it and evaluate whether the thoughts are something you actually believe and if they are serving you in your quest, whatever that may be. To do that requires the good, the bad and the ugly...yes, yes I went there (did you just hear Morricone too?)

Feelings are hard period and given your story, all the more so. That you recognize the burying of emotion and have pulled out the shovel is really quite a feat. I am familiar with that mindset and the distance you have come is truly commendable. Sometimes we just can see it when we're right on top of it.



Patience ???

How long is that gonna take ???

Sigh...

Seriously though..

I fought hard a few years ago to not let my culture and upbringing rule me anymore.

And you know how hard of a road that was for me.

I still have a very hard time of not crawling inside of myself and hiding. So to attempt to lay myself out there open and vulnerable is something that has become easier over the years, yet I fight that urge a lot.

So I force myself to put it out there. Some days it's easier than others, some days it's harder. I assume you can tell the difference.

Just look at my posts, and if it says " nothing today" , well, that pretty much sums it up...


And thanks.....now I can't get that dammed whistle out of my head ....

: )

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We still love you and are looking forward to seeing you in October!!!


(((((HUGS)))))


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Originally Posted by Cadet
We still love you and are looking forward to seeing you in October!!!


(((((HUGS)))))


If you can remove the sexual overtones in that, then I am looking forward as well...

: )


Geesh....It's been a minute...


I've had a lot of up and down moments the past few weeks. I'm starting to smile a little easier, and beginning to actually enjoy some things that I hadn't' exactly enjoyed since she passed.

I spent a chunk of last weekend visiting a cousin about 6 hours from here. It gave me a lot of time to think about things (which obviously I needed).....It was a much needed break from things. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.

I thought about the patience thing, and allowing my expectations of what I thought might happen rule how I actually feel about it, before it even happens.

So I decided to just allow things to come to me, and to start letting other things go. I'm typically fairly laid back, so I thought I was already doing that. I can see how I let some old behaviors creep back into my thought patterns after really accessing the situations....

I've had to deal with her Father a bit lately about a celebration of life for her back in her home state. He is a (hopefully) former alcoholic, and the past few months have been the first time he has peeked outside a bottle in about 40 years. His memory isn't there, and only cherry picks what he wants to see and remember. Putting everything together for HER is still about him. I eventually told him to do what he needs to do, and I will either be there, or I won't.

Maybe dealing with this is a gift to me, to show me that I need to let everything that isn't important go, and focus on what I truly need to focus on. I've always felt that we are given the exact problems in life that we needed to 'fix' ourselves. And when we stop noticing them and recognizing them is when we are truly F'ed. The lies that we tell ourselves are far worse than the lies from others.

Coincidence certainly appears to be God's way of staying anonymous...


I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I felt like I was both sides of a wooden Nickel....

On one side I was excited that I had a Nickel, then on the other side, it feels like a false excitement, and reality isn't what it appears to be..

So I'm trying to just focus on what is positive for now, and evaluating everything that is bad and trying to let it all go.



Speaking of positive, I received a call last night from an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. I had actually met him through here, he is an older poster. We have messaged each other since K passed, just hadn't talked.

Anywoo...

He told me that he wanted to reach out because he wanted me to know how much I meant to him, and where he is in life now. And that I saved him, saved his life. That he wouldn't be where he is now, or even be at all, if it weren't for me. Truth is, I completely understand that. I think back to all of the people that I feel that way about, and about what kind of relationship I have with them now, and obviously wonder how many other people feel the same way as he does. Not in a gloating kind of way, just that we may never know how our words and advice affect others. Even people that have never posted here, and only lurk while reading other stories.

I feel honored that I could play a part in his life, much that same that I feel honored that I was important enough as a person, when others reached back for me. It's the reason that I've always felt compelled to come back and post as much as I have when I can find the words....these boards mean that much to who I am, and the people that I have had the pleasure to meet.

Soooo...Dippy/Beginners/Brooklyn/Brookie....

You are right, and have always been right, I just needed the reminder....

Things come to you when you are ready for them, ready to deal with them and the after effects of it all....

It's about doing the work to prepare yourself when those moments come...

And the only way to do it , is through it....


Most days I am doing well. I have good days with moments of bad, and I have bad days with moments of good, with the good days starting to become a larger number.

I miss her, everything about her, and that will possibly never change. It's the accepting that , and finding how that plays into everything else, that will eventually become my greatest obstacle.

Essentially , how to live my life while missing her....how to possibly have another relationship while missing her.

All of those things will eventually add up, and make some sort of sense to me. However, I don't feel that today is going to be that day.

Today, the goal is to simply try to be better than yesterday.

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