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HIIII UR!

I need to get out of my head. It’s really really hard not to. I think about every text I send, what I say, am I doing it right, am I doing it wrong ? Too little too much?

And I just want to be me. I want to do what feels right and feels good. But in the back of my head it’s always “am I messing this up?”

The weird thing is he doesn’t seem so far to have issues. He seems like a solid family guy. His only issue is maybe he wants “that someone “ because he’s seen solid marriages most of his life. His brother, sister, his parents. I think he really wants that too. And who knows, maybe that’s my issue too! He’s pretty grounded and stable . I do think there are some people out there who don’t need this whole “freedom” thing and if something good came along, they would recognize it and go for it.

He is on vacay. Day 1 of 2 weeks. He sent me some videos and texts. He seems to reach out on his own will. I think he kind of likes me. I know I like him too. Did I mention he plays hockey?! Lol. I feel like he does it because he totally wants too. Not because he is obligated. And that feels kind of good

I’m definitely kind of stuck right now too and I need to try something new. Old me in this situation would think of every reasons why it couldn’t possibly work and self sabotage. Old me would also try to control the situation, trying to find a way to make sure he does what he needs to do at this point in his life.

But that’s on him. He is a big boy and can decide what’s right for him. I’m not going to try to guide him into the stages “i” think he needs to go through post divorce. It’s different for everyone. That other guy….. I got rid of him again. He is deep in his stage of selfishness and not wanting to deal with anyone and having his cake and eating it too….: but he wants to still remain the super nice guy. Nah. Doesn’t work for me. That is his post divorce path. My hockey player ? That doesn’t have to be his too. He can choose to want to date me because he likes me.

As far as D. She is continuing in her path of normality. She wants to spend time with her dad and family. They are all going To the shore tomorrow for her cousins b day. In 2 weeks she leaves on vacation.

How do I feel about it all? My anger is softening but it’s still there. Honestly, I do want him to suffer in some way. Not in a way that makes my daughter suffer though. And I want to see him hurt more than his wife. I am legit frustrated he goes on living this life while doing whatever he wants while I sit here and work like a million jobs, take care of everything and pretty much go unseen. The one place I might actually be appreciated in this world is work, even though I didn’t even get that position. One part of me wants to stay right where I am. The other part wants to venture out a little and use my skills in a more advanced position. And pretty much? I desire to work just a regular workweek and stay afloat .

For now, I just keep putting one foot in front of another. It’s all I can do.

BTW, B- I totally saw that movie so many years ago and I loved it. She was just so comfortable in her own skin eventually. I need to rewatch!

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
BTW, B- I totally saw that movie so many years ago and I loved it. She was just so comfortable in her own skin eventually. I need to rewatch!
yes, it's a great movie. I love what she said to her daughters about her beau, and what could happen with the relationship. worth a re-watch. xoxo lemme know what you think of that scene.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I have an interview tomorrow morning. A recruiter from a health system found my resume. He screened me, forwarded it and they wanted an interview with me . So tomorrow morning virtual. They asked what salary I’m shooting for and I gave one that would give me some comfort in my life. According to the recruiter it’s a little higher than what they are offering, but not that far out of the ballpark. I was honest and said I am happy where I work right now and it would take something like this for me to leave. The position is a stretch. It’s a regional director of case managers for a huge healthcare system that goes into other states. The hospital that would be my home base is in the town my D goes to school in. It’s seriously a long shot, I don’t know that my resume is impressive enough. We shall see.

Work has really been draining me, honestly. We keep getting more responsibilities on top of the ones that cause us yo work more than our salaried hours . I work way too much for free . I’m sick of working all the other additional hours I can get in my other jobs. Im tired. Im at wits end . I at least want compensation for what I do.

This weekend D dog sat for one of my coworkers . She stayed over and slept alone for the first time ever. She didn’t really it like it someone else’s house, but she did fine. I actually spent all Saturday with her there , we went to target, and out to our special dinner place. She’s babysitting at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow . Kid has champagne tastes in a beer budget so I’m happy she’s making a few bucks . She stared cheer coaching last week and really likes it. I’m happy to see her throw herself into something like this. She’s still living in this world like nothing ever happened with her dad. And there isn’t much I can do about it.

Me and the hickey player communicate every day. It will be over 3 weeks since we will have seen eachother when we finally do . But I have no anxiousness around it at all. I can’t be fine with us on any level unless I know he is taking care of what he needs . Our timing is pretty bad right now as far as seeing eachother. Moving is kind of huge with all these vacations. But we are cool with it. I feel relaxed. I don’t feel a need to keep him interested or close or be totally accommodating. So far with him, he might be the first guy I feel so comfortable being me. I don’t know what will happen. But I know I won’t regret anything .

As far as me. I’m having a serious MLC over here. I’m really freaking out a bit. And I think it has to do with social media. I think I’m going to have to sign off. All I see are these big beautiful family vacations ! Brothers, sisters, cousins, beach, fun, and all around awesomeness. All I have ever wanted. I have like the reverse MLC. Married and family folk feel like they are missing out on single fun, and here I am feeling awful I missed out on the family life. And I know it’s too late for a lot of it. The parties, vacations, gatherings……. Really never had it in my childhood and never had it in my adulthood. I guess we all want what we don’t have. It’s an awfully lonely life for me .

I also haven’t been such a great mom lately. I make far too many comments about my exes lifestyle every time my kid asks me to buy her something she wants or needs. And she is convinced her dad doesn’t have much money and only spends on vacation and that’s why. I asked her what I spend on. She says I don’t know. But dad is cheap everywhere else ( basically with her )

It’s not her problem though. And I am so frustrated I can’t stop with the comments. It’s can’t be good for hers so I have to start doing better. It’s my resolution for now .

We have this new hospitalist at work. And our wonderful , yet conservative, married , and professional and lovely director of hospitalists even says “ he’s really easy on the eyes, isn’t he?!?l “ and good lord, yes he is. He comes by office everyday to go over his cases with me and I become all awkward, lol. He’s probably 35 at best. And I think he needs to be set up with our other awesome single hospitalist his age. I’m working on it .

In a nutshell. I need more fun and less work. I’m burning out FAST! I even took a 3 hour ap today because I haven’t been sleeping properly. It’s just all too much, as usual.

Hopefully something gives soon

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A nice little example of the money situation. D has a babysitting gig tomorrow I can drive her to, but her grandmas has to pick her up. She needs gas money. I guess ex can’t give her the whole $10 and my daughter had to call me from his house to hit me up for the other $5.

My blood boils . I sent $10 . I am happy I have some of her help the past 5 years I never had. But that is his mom helping his daughter and he has to split it with me?

After this week I am off for a week. I’m going to finally find some time which j haven’t had to figure out this child support thing. I am so done

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I have an interview tomorrow morning. A recruiter from a health system found my resume. He screened me, forwarded it and they wanted an interview with me . So tomorrow morning virtual. They asked what salary I’m shooting for and I gave one that would give me some comfort in my life. According to the recruiter it’s a little higher than what they are offering, but not that far out of the ballpark. I was honest and said I am happy where I work right now and it would take something like this for me to leave. The position is a stretch. It’s a regional director of case managers for a huge healthcare system that goes into other states. The hospital that would be my home base is in the town my D goes to school in. It’s seriously a long shot, I don’t know that my resume is impressive enough. We shall see.

You ARE impressive. Don't sell yourself short. If YOU do - what stops them from doing it.

I'm also confused why you are saying that it would only take a salary increase above when below you are saying how draining work is below. There seems to be some sabotage in there? Would you not take the job if the salary was the same and your weren't overworked?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Work has really been draining me, honestly. We keep getting more responsibilities on top of the ones that cause us yo work more than our salaried hours . I work way too much for free . I’m sick of working all the other additional hours I can get in my other jobs. Im tired. Im at wits end . I at least want compensation for what I do.

Learn to say NO at work. There are some great reading materials out there how women can do this w/o looking like a b!tch. Yeah it can be uncomfortable but you have to teach people how to treat you.

Push back... create boundaries. They will learn and they will adjust.


Originally Posted by Ginger1
This weekend D dog sat for one of my coworkers . She stayed over and slept alone for the first time ever. She didn’t really it like it someone else’s house, but she did fine. I actually spent all Saturday with her there , we went to target, and out to our special dinner place. She’s babysitting at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow . Kid has champagne tastes in a beer budget so I’m happy she’s making a few bucks . She stared cheer coaching last week and really likes it. I’m happy to see her throw herself into something like this. She’s still living in this world like nothing ever happened with her dad. And there isn’t much I can do about it.

I think the big thing is that you continue to separate her fears from her thoughts. I remember you responding to me about how she "feels" like she is breaking up her family. That's not actually a feeling... it's a thought. Knowing and communicating the difference is key because feelings just are.. but thoughts (which can often be distorted)... we actually have some control over.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
As far as me. I’m having a serious MLC over here. I’m really freaking out a bit. And I think it has to do with social media. I think I’m going to have to sign off. All I see are these big beautiful family vacations ! Brothers, sisters, cousins, beach, fun, and all around awesomeness. All I have ever wanted. I have like the reverse MLC. Married and family folk feel like they are missing out on single fun, and here I am feeling awful I missed out on the family life. And I know it’s too late for a lot of it. The parties, vacations, gatherings……. Really never had it in my childhood and never had it in my adulthood. I guess we all want what we don’t have. It’s an awfully lonely life for me .

This sounds like grief and it comes out alot in your posts. How much time have you spent really processing all the grief you have experienced?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also haven’t been such a great mom lately. I make far too many comments about my exes lifestyle every time my kid asks me to buy her something she wants or needs. And she is convinced her dad doesn’t have much money and only spends on vacation and that’s why. I asked her what I spend on. She says I don’t know. But dad is cheap everywhere else ( basically with her )


I truly believe you making the time and putting your XH feet to the fire with child support will really help with this on your end of things. You've been carrying too much for far too long... it's time you share the load.

That must be really hard on her... knowing that she's not important to him in certain ways. It probably plays a huge part on why she acts like nothing happened. My suggestion is to continue make space for HER in these moments when she does make these comments... and for you to find OTHER people to talk to about him.


Originally Posted by Ginger1
In a nutshell. I need more fun and less work. I’m burning out FAST! I even took a 3 hour ap today because I haven’t been sleeping properly. It’s just all too much, as usual.

Hopefully something gives soon

From what I have read in your posts throughout the years is that life has been hard for you. Between your parents and your XH - the only person you know you can rely on is YOU. I think it has served you well in many areas... but I also wonder if it also keeps you stuck. I wonder how much suffering you put yourself through because the alternative of the unknown is far scarier.

I know it may seem that life is not giving your many choices... but maybe G - the choices just scare the absolute sh!t out of you... and you'd rather just put everything on your shoulders because... as tired as your are... or as angry as you get... you still know it is a safe option. Even if it means betraying your needs and wants.

I think you are wonderfully strong...truly. I just want to see you be truly strong for yourself as well.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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“the hickey player” lol - that’s his official title now.

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Originally Posted by Valeska19
Originally Posted by Ginger1
[quote=Ginger1]As far as me. I’m having a serious MLC over here. I’m really freaking out a bit. And I think it has to do with social media. I think I’m going to have to sign off. All I see are these big beautiful family vacations ! Brothers, sisters, cousins, beach, fun, and all around awesomeness. All I have ever wanted. I have like the reverse MLC. Married and family folk feel like they are missing out on single fun, and here I am feeling awful I missed out on the family life. And I know it’s too late for a lot of it. The parties, vacations, gatherings……. Really never had it in my childhood and never had it in my adulthood. I guess we all want what we don’t have. It’s an awfully lonely life for me .

This sounds like grief and it comes out alot in your posts. How much time have you spent really processing all the grief you have experienced?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also haven’t been such a great mom lately. I make far too many comments about my exes lifestyle every time my kid asks me to buy her something she wants or needs. And she is convinced her dad doesn’t have much money and only spends on vacation and that’s why. I asked her what I spend on. She says I don’t know. But dad is cheap everywhere else ( basically with her )


I truly believe you making the time and putting your XH feet to the fire with child support will really help with this on your end of things. You've been carrying too much for far too long... it's time you share the load.

That must be really hard on her... knowing that she's not important to him in certain ways. It probably plays a huge part on why she acts like nothing happened. My suggestion is to continue make space for HER in these moments when she does make these comments... and for you to find OTHER people to talk to about him.



I agree 100% ....

G...

You have to realize that even though they are tied together, what is going on is actually several layers of issues with this.

Protecting baby G..

The betrayal by him of you..

The betrayal by him of his marriage AGAIN...

The kind of person he has shown himself to be continually....

The kind of example of "what a man is supposed to be" that he is showing to Gabs...





Maybe take some time and realize what hill you are charging up, before you act on anything....

Realize where those thoughts are coming from and which one of you is thinking those thoughts.

Standing on the hill of Mama Bear, you are likely to say and think things that have been repressed for years now.

Standing on the hill of an LBS, you are likely to think and say different things....

Questioning the quality of person that you are, for choosing him in the first place....

Questioning that by J being him, what example is he showing to Gabs of the kind of Man that she will choose in her life.

So yea, step back and feel WHO you are in whatever comes up before you say or think things...

And it may take a conscious effort to do so until you can process this the way you need to...

That's a lot of hills girl....

And you've been so busy protecting her that you forgot that you have schidt to process too...


Burnt ?

Well yeah....you rarely take any time for you, and you run 100mph everywhere you go and in everything that you do....

So maybe take some time for just you when you are off....

Stop by the Sundowner and unwind a bit....

: )

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Good luck on your interview. I know you’ll knock ‘em dead!


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I finally had some time to reply to some of these insightful and very helpful posts and I started typing and I got the “break up” phone call from the hockey player. I felt something was off from our last date and I wasn’t wrong. Sometimes I think I’m paranoid but my gut is always 100% right. We ended up meeting up on Thursday as I had the day off. It was actually a fantastic day, we got a massage and hung out down the shore on the boardwalk ate and had some drinks. He told me how awesome the day was etc. then the next day I felt the distance. And a woman knows . He called me to tell me he has strong feelings for me. Went in to list everything he liked about me , etc. but said he was falling into his old patterns ( like getting into a relationship too fast) and he knows he needs to take time to work on himself. He’s doing the whole move in to his new place this week ( the one he couldn’t wait to have me to, lol) he said he hated having to do this, but he has to. He says he knows it’s cliche but he really wants to stay friends and that he hopes I do to and did say he would be hearing from me soon. I didn’t really respond to that, because I really honestly didn’t know how I felt about that in the moment.

I was/am sitting alone the beach when he called me . I’m trying to figure out how I feel about this. On one hand I knew this was going to happen. I know I broke my rules. Did I hope maybe it would turn out good? Yes. I tried to put a little hope out into the universe. Do something different. Go with the flow.

Now how do I feel about him as a person? I still think he is a great person. I actually still and kept seeing a whole bunch of green flags, except maybe getting out there too early. He has been super respectful of me, we talked openly about our situation, we agreed when it wasn’t going to work anymore we would be honest and communicate. And he did just that. He called, made the respectful phone call. I just didnt expect it to be this soon. I also didn’t expect coming off a date where we talked about the awesomeness of it all. But I guess that put him back in reality and where he needs to be right now. The timing was awful for us. Part of me feels like he wasn’t the wrong person, it was truly the wrong time . Regardless, this blows.

My life has really been so stressful lately. With my ex and work, and money, and Time I just have been feeling so so so so heavy. I have a lot of decisions to make too. He was always the bright spot in my day. We weren’t surface level, we connected, we had depth, he was communicative, he have shared interests. He really liked things about me that I didn’t think were all that likable. But he had to do what he had to do and I do believe he had my feelings in mind when he did it.

Another one bites the dust!!! What else is new? Guess I’ll stick to my rules from now on. Rules are there for a reason, right? I’m also taking a break from dating. I just can’t really handle the soul crush now that dating can be.

I’m at my dads because the 3 of us are going to see a concert tonight I have to wipe my tears away before I go back up and I’ll soldier on. I’m not going to let this ruin fun plans I have. I don’t get them very often and I want to fully enjoy myself.

I know some people might come out and blame me and say “you knew how this was going to end” and don’t worry, I beat myself up enough in the last half hour and I am sure I will continue too. But I would like to go easy on myself just a little for once. I took a chance, it didn’t end the way I hoped and I now I hurt, but that’s a part of life. I knew I was taking a huge risk, I went with the flow, but it just ended not the way I hoped and now I simply have to deal with that.

I’m a pro at getting over guys though. So I’ll get over this one. He was something special though. Just super bad timing .

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Originally Posted by Ginger
Guess I’ll stick to my rules from now on. Rules are there for a reason, right?
Ginger, is your life richer or worse off after having this brief fling with the hockey player? That's the key question. It's fine to explore people where the chances of an LTR are low to nil if you can enjoy the experience for what it is--the sex, the company, the deep conversations--without any expectations of more. If you can't, yes, going with guys with better odds is wise.

Originally Posted by Ginger
I know some people might come out and blame me. I beat myself up enough in the last half hour and I am sure I will continue too.
We can't change that some on this forum enjoy doing that, but I hope you won't beat yourself up. Like any like experience, you did your best, learn what you can from this and move on! Enjoy your concert.

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