I will continue to disagree wholly. This isn’t like he used the N word and that was wrong so she said something . He will know that she is holding on to information that could cause some serious destruction to the family. D knows the consequences of that and what could happen. Her life blows up and her father resents her. It’s not a “character building “ experience. It’s a horrifying experience to have that power.
IMHO you are giving her too much power here. These are her dad's choices. She does not hold the power to blow up his life/her life... or for him to resent her. That rest solely on the shoulders on her dad.
It is not the information she holds that will cause the destruction of the family... it was the choices HE made. HE is to blame here.
It is unwise for Little G to live a life where she fears the response of her parent. You know how damaging that is in the long run. Help her see the lies in the fear. Help her to see her needs above her dads.
This is how she feels. This is the way she believe her dad will react. I keep reiterating that anything that becomes of this is because of her fathers poor choices and not anyone else. Even if she told him she knows, and anyone else did the matter , whatever happens is because of him, and absolutely no one else.
The truth is, I think she is going to want to say something eventually. But I’m letting her do it on her timeline . I’m going to get her the IC so she can work through this and maybe feel comfortable telling him. And not so scared. It’s been barely a week. And she is I the stage of wanting everything to be “normal”
I am not going to tell her if she should tell him or not. I’m going to let her come to the choice on her own. She needs time. I’m going to give it to her.
Trust me. I hate him right now. No one is more upset about him not having consequences. No one is more upset than me watching him get the unconditional love of his daughter , having his wife. His umpteen family vacations, and his mistress. I don’t want him to get away anything . But it’s not for me or her to give him the consequences. When she tells him, I want it to be because it’s what she needs to do
I just read your thread and I’m very sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. As far as for my opinion concerned, I can only state that you are handling it in the best way you can, and that is putting your D’s feelings first. You are doing just perfect. She is lucky to have such a great Mum like you. Good luck and a lot of strength to the both of you.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
I just don't see how we are completely or wholly disagreeing here. Either you're not taking the time to read and fully comprehend what I'm saying or I'm doing a really terrible job of trying to make my point. Perhaps it's some of both. You seem like if your D would want to do what I'm suggesting, you'd fully support her in that. Well how then is that disagreeing? I'm not at all saying you should force her to confront her dad - I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is if you went to her and said something like "it's really not healthy for you or me or anyone to keep things in or not have an honest conversation with a close loved one because we are afraid of how they might react. That's not healthy and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I think you should really consider talking with your dad and telling him how you feel and I will be right there right along side you helping you to do that when you are ready." I think that is a much healthier option than allowing a child to make a decision like this on their own. That in itself is pressure. She totally trusts you and looks up to you. She will follow your lead. If you lead her to an honest conversation she will follow you. That's what I'm trying to say - you should lead her to healthy communication. She needs guidance and direction from her parent - not to have to figure it out on her own.
I've also said I don't think she needs to at all consider her step mom in this or consider telling her. That's not her place. First and foremost, right from the start, I've said this is a much harder decision because it is a child and therefore getting professional guidance and counseling is needed - which is again something you seem to very much agree with and are doing. So again we agree. I also have never said this needs to happen immediately. It's a process but she needs to be lead in the healthy direction - if not by you then by a councilor well experienced in things like this.
So it appears we agree on more than we disagree. You just are allowing or wanting her to decide how to handle this on her own and I think that's too much for any child to do. That's where we disagree. She may be wide beyond her years but she is still very much a child. Don't force her either but gently guide and mentor her. This could become a very healthy path through the future where she communicates and talks with loved ones about things that are bothering her. That's how healthy relationships are created and maintained - not by keeping quiet, not by keeping it bottled up and just hoping things will get fixed on their own. Her largest fear is her dad's reaction. Well peace and an R at any cost is often not worth that cost. It also enables the bad behavior that your ex seems to have made a lifestyle for himself. At some point someone needs to stand up to him. If he is going to disown his own daughter because she called him on his extramarital affair - is that really a healthy relationship to have in the first place? Again, keeping her dad no matter the cost is very hard but never healthy. If he chooses yet more bad behavior and retaliates on her, that's totally on him.
It sounds like you may end up exactly where I'm suggesting after she meets with the councilor. Time will tell. I can't imagine any councilor worth his or her salt would advocate not talking to their parent about their feelings and concerns through honest communication. What C would do that? Hopefully that clarifies where I'm coming from.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thanks drew. Am I doing everything right ? Probably not . I have had to make some hard decisions as a parent and right now I feel they are the right ones.
I wanted to carry over from E’s thread. I didn’t want to hijack at all.
I’m my many many many years here and going through what I have. Believe it or not, this board has messed with my dating life. Good intentions by most people . I’ll never regret that. But I sometimes I feel like I have to be the most perfect, healed, and studied human being to be successful or worthy of dating . Doing all the research, reading the books, listening to the podcasts, doing the IC…….
I’ve done a lot. I don’t have it all figured out . But honestly, it doesn’t make me any less worthy of dating or a relationship. I always come from a good place in my heart. Even if I don’t do it right all the time . I’ll never be perfect or have it all figured out. But what I need is to have trust in myself .
Am I still seeing this not quite divorced guy? Yes. We have a date on Thursday. He’s been away in FL and has been in touch quite regularly. Has he thrown up any red flags aside from not being legally divorced ? Nope. He’s sweet. He’s thoughtful. Communicative. He has a great strong relationship with his family. We enjoy a lot of the same . Is the timing bad? Maybe. If we met at the ideal time, both divorced for a while, etc. would this be the ideal situation ? Absolutely.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. Certain moments I say it ties because there is not possible way it could work out because he hasn’t been alone long enough. Other times, I say we are just totally on the same page about everything and he is not the kind of guy who is all about being alone and playing the field and appreciates something great when he finds it.
Rules, rule, rules. Some days I don’t know which way to go. For now, I enjoy his company. I laugh and smile when we talk. We have depth to our connection and conversation and it feels good. And I might lose it in a heart beat.
Oh, I have been divorced for 13 year as of the 23rd. As of tomorrow my mom will have been dead for 21 years. And I handle it all well .we are at my dads with my D’s friend. Having a great time . She’s being a kid her age not worrying about her dad and what he is doing . And that is fine for now . I’m simply not at work until Wednesday and enjoying that.
I’m my many many many years here and going through what I have. Believe it or not, this board has messed with my dating life. Good intentions by most people . I’ll never regret that. But I sometimes I feel like I have to be the most perfect, healed, and studied human being to be successful or worthy of dating . Doing all the research, reading the books, listening to the podcasts, doing the IC…….
Shhhhhhh !!!
I agree with you...
And I keep saying over and over again....
Just be you...
Cause I think you have paralysis by analysis in most of your dating endeavors....
Don't try and define anything....just let it breathe and enjoy it....
G you are not doing anything wrong. I just said you know what you are getting into and he probably isn't ready for a long term relationship. It's ok to find out. There are no absolutes.
The other thing is you have no idea what type of guy he is and if he wants to play the field.
i'm going to speak for myself and to my own experience: there was a time in my life when i made decisions by general consensus of select trusted people. eventually making decisions that way became a habit. the results were often not what I wanted, but at the time I didn't realize why that was. It was only until I stopped making decisions that way and started relying on my own inner guidance that the results were different.
When something overwhelming happens, like the last 2 years with my son, I still seek as much information as possible, whether it's research or conversations with a few trusted souls. Whether I wanted it or not, believe me those close to me who were in the know offered some pretty stringent and strong suggestions. And suggestions would be a mild word. Statements like, "If you do this he's going to die" or "You're helping him to die, not live" were said to me often by people who'd lived through similar things with their own kids and chose a different path than the one I chose.
I have no idea to this day if the choices I've made were the right ones for my son's long term well being, but I do know that at some point I stopped listening to advice from others. I started praying, meditating and asking for Divine guidance. I asked for signs that I was making the right choices, and I believe those signs were provided to me.
So here we are today. He's alive. He's happier than he's been in a decade. He's figuring out a career for himself. He's in love. He's taking steps towards independence (and I'm dealing with letting go and trusting) ... so I dunno. In my case, in this specific example, I feel like as much as my friends love me and my son, the best thing I did for myself and for my son was to say to these well meaning people, "Thank you. I appreciate your input. Right now I need to go inward, pray and listen for a Divine answer." To a person, they respected that decision. I know they prayed that I wasn't wrong and they continue to pray for both me and my son. And I know they were terrified he would die and I would have to deal with the unfathomable. They're still worried, and I get it, but it's got to be his way because it's his life, and so far it seems to be working out for him.
So all that is a very long way around to saying that my life got better only after I made my inner journey. Once I did that, my decisions became more in line with my inner self, so the results fit because everything was in alignment. It doesn't mean I always get the results I want. I does mean that even when I don't get the results I want, it's easier to accept because I'm operating from a place of alignment with myself, not others'. Make sense?
But just listen to Mach because he's far less wordy than I am and basically he said the same thing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
