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Well, i’m glad it helped you to tidy your own mind up, Ginger. We all need that sometimes, don’t we? Often, of course, we do know what we think.....it just gets a bit cluttered by emotion and other people’s BS.....but we get a kind of mirror when we can use a spare brain I find. And I think it must be quite hard sometimes being the only adult trying to think it through on your own.

Darn, that rule of 3 thing that I think I learned here works, doesn’t it lol? I am very touched by the respect you have for your daughter and the way you are supporting her so authentically. She has, with your help, caught a breath and had time to think about her preferred choice, her Plan A. It may be that events will demand a Plan B at some point, that’s true, but how cool is it that she got to decide it for herself.

And you? Well, yup, he’s a bit icky, isn’t he? And your daughter was distressed bc of his actions. But I would gently suggest that you keep reminding yourself of three things.....

1. Nothing has changed, he has been icky for a long time, you just chose to look past it bc it was no longer on your side of the street. It’s ok if, for a little while, you need to ease back and do a ‘gosh, bit too busy’ white lie while you let your amygdala settle down! And tbh it’s ok too if you decide that less contact/different contact works for you as your daughter is older now than when you first took the high road....really it’s ok, Ginger. Boundaries can be for you too and you don’t have to put words to them or justify them to anyone but yourself. And that’s just fine.

2. What matters to you most is your daughter’s wellbeing....that may or may not mean comfort exactly, depending on her choices....but the tremendous parental gift of respecting her right to choose for herself and learn to kick other people’s monkeys into the long grass. I know you love little G but tbh it sounds as if you like and respect her as a young human too....and that’s a lifelong gift, Ginger. I was very lucky with my parents....I always knew they had my back and liked me, even if they didn’t agree with my choices or when I was a teenage a$$hat. And I still carry that with me even now they are both gone.

3. Please don’t spend even a micro moment musing on their marital s$itshow. Whether she knows, he knows she knows, best friend knows she knows. These are messy self-centred people making a mud pie of their own lives either bc they like it or bc it’s easier than the alternative. And just bc they metaphorically invite you and little G to the mud pie fest does not mean you are obliged to show up lol. Leave them to it.....perhaps from a goodly distance while you and little G and grandma continue to live on the lovely mud-free side of the street.

Signing off now..

PS part of the reason I come back and read some threads is simply bc I really like the individual folks. So I care what happens to them. You are just delightful, Ginger, and little G is obviously a chip off the maternal block. I admire both of you very much and am happy if I got to make a small helpful contribution to more lovely Gingerness in the world. X


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
She said she realized last night her fear comes from what would happen to their relationship if he knew she saw that. So she says she prefers not to say anything right now. She will go there with her grandma. She want things to just be “normal”

Uggggg I wish she was an adult as that would make my comments she much easier. But being 13 or 14 it’s harder. In general terms however - NO NO NO - just wrong. This is how far too many adults get to be the way they are. “Just want things to be normal”. Many just want to go along to get along. That’s simply not life and it turns people into pleasers. You say your ex has always gotten away with crap. That’s only because those in his life have allowed it. Now little G wants to allow it just to hold on and pretend things will gloss over and return to normal. No wonder he gets away with it.

This can be a huge learning experience. This is real life. Will she be taught to stand up for what is right and for what she believes or to just shut up to not rock the boat. Again if she was 18 I’d totally advocate for her standing up. As an early teen I’m less sure. Sadly though she is learning potentially how NOT to handle life experiences like this but how to avoid them and smooth them over. Is that what you want to teach her?

This is so sad on so many levels but is not the first disappointment she will have in her life including with her dad. I think I’d encourage her to stage up for what is right. Piece at any cost is never worth it. It’s best she learns this now as hard as it is. Be there to do it with her. Support her through it. You seem afraid to upset him as well. She sees that. A strong mom that takes her by the hand and says nope this stops today may be the best thing she can experience. Doing the right thing us often not easy. It’s often hard but it’s still the right thing. Encourage her to do the right thing. Teach her to be a strong adult that does what’s right rather than avoid to hope to all just goes away. It never does. If she lets dad get away with this what will she do when it’s her BFor husband doing the exact same thing.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don’t have much time right now, but I disagree heavily Don. She’s a kid, not an adult and she doesn’t need to be the one to expose her fathers affair. I support her in her decision fully right now. And if she wanted to tell him, I would support her in that too. I am absolutely not teaching her how to do the wrong thing . Her father is doing that. I am here to show her how her father is doing is the wrong thing, but as a CHILD it is not her burden to expose it. Adult stuff should not be on her shoulders. Because she isn’t an adult. I fully trust she is making the decision she needs to for herself right now. And it has nothing to do with me or how I feel about it

I don’t always make the wisest decisions in the dating world, but when it comes to parenting I absolutely make sure I am doing what I truly is in the best interest of my child and I trust myself in that area. I care about this with my whole heart, unlike dating .

This is an awful spot for all of us really. But In the end, it’s about my daughter. And I hate like anything that she has to be the one to find out about it.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am absolutely not teaching her how to do the wrong thing .
Her father is doing that.
I am here to show her how her father is doing is the wrong thing, but as a CHILD it is not her burden to expose it.

BINGO


whistle whistle whistle whistle


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I agree with you G.

She is young still even if as mature as she is. If she cannot be comfortable around them, she can set that boundary with her dad directly. But if she can manage to be okay for the time being around them knowing what she knows, then for now that is the best way for her. You have provided her with a lot of support and guidance. So she feels heard and supported.

Don, I disagree with you about calling people out on their bad behavior. Many times it looks like they are getting away with stuff when in reality, they are paying in other ways you can't always see. Sometimes, if people feel resistance or pressure in one place, they will just seek out support in other places...so calling them out really doesn't change their behaviors. It many times just displaces it. Boundaries work better because they are focused on protecting ourselves. You can't control what others will do...calling them out or not.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hi Ginger

I used to have this revenge fantasy that my ex would get called out publicly for everything he did. I wanted that validation. I wanted him to be publicly shamed and humiliated. I wanted justice and karma.

It took me a few years of healing to realize that the person most hurt by that would be my son.

I’m sorry your daughter has to go through this at such a young age. And I would do the same as you. Counseling and trying to keep her out of adult matters.

I don’t think anyone owes his wife anything as she went into this relationship with your ex knowing he was a cheater. If your cheating with someone - obviously eventually that person will cheat on you. If she was an innocent in all this and was at risk for stds/financial loss then maybe adult involvement would be the right thing. But definitely should not be left on the shoulders of a minor to do so.

The fact that your daughter confided in you is a testament to the safe and secure relationship you have provided with your daughter.


Would something like “I am proud of you for confiding in me. This an adult matter and I will handle it for you. You did nothing wrong and let’s make this my issue now. It yours. I will not tell anyone you confided in me unless you want me to do so” be appropriate?

This way, she knows she did stand up for something not right by confiding in the safe parent or authority figure (something she should do if she witnessed abuse or danger) but not be burdened with having to confront.


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D is over there tonight and her grandmother couldn’t go. She was pissed at first. Actually, her dad had off today and picked her up around 1. She’s texted me a bunch of times about random stuff , which usually includes asking me to get her this or take her there or what are we going to do about this or that. But she’s fine. And I know she just wants everything to be normal. And she wants me to be normal.

And the truth is I am FULL of rage. And I have no outlet for it. I can’t be upset around her. I can’t let him know why I am upset or barely have the capacity to send him a text. I can’t tell my dad or stepmom. I am just so angry at him for putting his daughter is in this position twice. She is acting so totally normal right now, like it never happened. I know it’s atill going to blow up at Some point. And I did tell her eventually the truth will come out and the truth always does and she needs to be prepared and she says she understands . I know I will be picking up the pieces when it does.

I’m on the verge of screaming or crying every minute and I can’t really do either. Well, I can cry tonight because she isn’t here. I have no one to lean on, although I am having one of those moments where I want to do anything that will make feel good. But I don’t know what that is . I seriously think I am going to need the IC more than her, but truth is I can’t afford both of is. Unless I give up my gym, which I refuse. It’s the only place I feel calm and like me lately. I am getting super strong and it feels good.

Oh, and me and D are going to my dad and stepmoms sun-Tuesday and her grandma was going to watch the dog, but my ex and his wife offered to keep him. And D said yes. She doesn’t really get it. But I don’t even want my dog near them and I don’t want to have to interact with him .

I worked so hard all these years to keep a decent relationship with these 2 for her sake, but now it just became much much harder.

I’m just so angry. I’m a human pressure cooker. I don’t even know what to do with it

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Originally Posted by Ginger
I’m just so angry. I’m a human pressure cooker. I don’t even know what to do with it
After acknowledging your anger--which you've done here--I would workout. Vent that anger into a brisk walk, jog, or run. Try a meditation app like Headpace. Call a friend. If it's late, try a sleep stories app. Anything but the dark side--the bottle, the fridge, the kissy "friend" guy. Figure out of next actions when you're rested and your emotions have run their course.

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Might I suggest the BetterHelp app as a in interim IC solution? I turned to it myself. However, the match they gave me wasn’t a good one (at least on paper…not the right background, experience, etc) so I did the auto request to change it. They gave me six to select from and I selected someone better and I’ve been seeing her ever since. I found that the cost was less than many of the counselors I had researched. And maybe your medical coverage might cover a few appointments? It might do you good to talk to someone even if just to vent and get some short term support. Plus, they charge weekly, so you can actually get more than just one session a week (if you count texting and other means on the app). Another idea is to reach out to universities or other places where they train counselors as you might be able to receive counseling for free or low cost while they are doing training…these are managed by higher level professionals so you will still get good counseling.

I agree with Traveler…the gym is very important and you should not give that up if you can manage it. You must take care of you. I know you are also considering obtaining more child support as well, so maybe BH as a short solution might hold you over until you can get more financial support. If you can manage it, I’d still move forward with that process as you really need the financial help even more…especially if things continue to get more complicated. But I also understand how hard this can all be when you are already so stressed and full of anger. First and foremost, take care of you. Hang in there. Hugs to you…and little G.


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Thank you. What ended up making me feel better last night was eating f some ice cream and watching love on the spectrum . I did take the 5:30-6:30 class night and it felt great. Too bad I blew it with ice cream. Oh well!

I think her night went well over there. I’ll just keep an eye on her and make sure she’s ok. And I’ll figure out how to compartmentalize my feelings towards him. I’ve been doing it for so many years I’ve just hit a bump.

Going out after work for another work event . Free! Yay! I signed D and I up for a paint and trivia at a paint and sip place for the gilmour girls. It’s her comfort show. She will win the trivia portion for sure. Sun-Tuesday we are going to my dads and she is taking a friend.

We will both make it through .

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