Like, a 180 for me would be acting more emotionally present...but then, I don't want to overdo that and be readily available.
You can be emotionally present without rescuing her. This comes through listening and validating her feelings.
Originally Posted by Doug54
So, W is (for whatever reason) amped up right now after I said I wasn't going to the next MC session. I said I had "talked about it in IC" and didn't feel it was productive for me at this point in time.
This would have been a good time to show that 180. I am not saying to stick to your decision but you can do that with empathy. "For whatever reason" implies a certain tone and judgment... even if you didn't express it directly... I'm sure you w would have felt it... and to her... that's probably just same ole Doug.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
Hey LH19, I found this quote from you in one of Ready2Change's greatest hits threads. Do you remember if this scenario involved the W moving out? Trying to stick to my two main points, which are "I ain't moving out and I ain't nesting" but man, things feel like they have the potential to suck @ss around here if W's mood keeps deteriorating.
things feel like they have the potential to suck @ss around here if W's mood keeps deteriorating.
A good skill to learn - Don't let W's mood effect your mood....IE your life doesn't have to suck @ss just because of someone else's behavior. Focus on what you have control of.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
you can expect your W to throw tantrums, it may even seem you are dealing with a 7 year child whos favorite toy has been taken away from him. Prepare for all sort of erratic behaviour, you are in for a ride, trust me.
All of us here are speaking from experience and our stories combined would make an awesome scenario bundle for the Tlilight zone series.
You truly would not believe all the stories we've encountered, frankly I would have not believed it either, had I not gone through it myself.
Brace yourself, the storm is upon you. Be firm, be stron, be a man's man. Take care of yourself, your healthe, phsical and emotional, take care of your children, they will be needing you now more than ever and take care of your job/career. Do not go arouund telling your story to every one, have one or 2 of your closest friends for emotional support.
Read and reread Sandy's rules daily and live them.
Hey LH19, I found this quote from you in one of Ready2Change's greatest hits threads. Do you remember if this scenario involved the W moving out? Trying to stick to my two main points, which are "I ain't moving out and I ain't nesting" but man, things feel like they have the potential to suck @ss around here if W's mood keeps deteriorating.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the only thing that may effect your W.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
The ride is just beginning. She won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with her. Since you have children together you will be intermeshed for years.
Doug, being more emotionally present doesn't mean pressure and pursuit. This is a common mistake LBSs make. "I was emotionally absent during our MR, so in limbo I need to become super-spouse! I need to pursue and pressure. Etc."
As V19 said, you don't need to rescue her to be more emotionally present. And you should NOT use emotional presence as an excuse to break other DBing principles. You let her be the one to initiate contact/interaction. When she does you listen and validate. Be fully emotionally present through the interaction, but then be the one that is busy and needs to end the interaction.
- Let her initiate interactions - Be emotionally present, leaning on sandi's rules, and listen and validate during the interaction - Be the one that ends the interaction "I need to be somewhere....."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
things feel like they have the potential to suck @ss around here if W's mood keeps deteriorating.
A good skill to learn - Don't let W's mood effect your mood....IE your life doesn't have to suck @ss just because of someone else's behavior. Focus on what you have control of.
Yeah, truer words were never spoken. I'm just not as good at it as I thought. Peaks and valleys, dude.
FWIW, I checked out about 5 books listed in your "Ready2Change 2 years later" thread yesterday. Unfortunately my library didn't have a few of the ones I really had my eye on. Thanks for composing that list and putting it out there.
This would have been a good time to show that 180. I am not saying to stick to your decision but you can do that with empathy. "For whatever reason" implies a certain tone and judgment... even if you didn't express it directly... I'm sure you w would have felt it... and to her... that's probably just same ole Doug.
That's a good point. At this juncture, I'm just trying to get out of the next MC appointment by whatever means possible. Granted, she can't force me into the car, but I'd like for it to stop being a point of contention. I tried saying I wanted to fixate on IC for now, but she seems pretty latched on, thinking the MC is going to help nudge me toward the door (of my own house). The timeline doesn't even make sense anyway, with school starting back up soon, but I guess there's no logic in the wayward mind.
you can expect your W to throw tantrums, it may even seem you are dealing with a 7 year child whos favorite toy has been taken away from him. Prepare for all sort of erratic behaviour, you are in for a ride, trust me.
All of us here are speaking from experience and our stories combined would make an awesome scenario bundle for the Tlilight zone series.
You truly would not believe all the stories we've encountered, frankly I would have not believed it either, had I not gone through it myself.
Brace yourself, the storm is upon you. Be firm, be stron, be a man's man. Take care of yourself, your healthe, phsical and emotional, take care of your children, they will be needing you now more than ever and take care of your job/career. Do not go arouund telling your story to every one, have one or 2 of your closest friends for emotional support.
Read and reread Sandy's rules daily and live them.
Thanks, Vapo. Unfortunately for me, I'm finding myself a tad caught up in the overanalysis machine again. It's not as bad as it was a couple months ago, but now I'm dealing with thoughts that W is ramping up a full-court press trying to get me to graciously duck out and start a separation, trial or otherwise. Things seem to have a more volatile feel. The storm is upon me, indeed.
Doug, being more emotionally present doesn't mean pressure and pursuit. This is a common mistake LBSs make. "I was emotionally absent during our MR, so in limbo I need to become super-spouse! I need to pursue and pressure. Etc."
As V19 said, you don't need to rescue her to be more emotionally present. And you should NOT use emotional presence as an excuse to break other DBing principles. You let her be the one to initiate contact/interaction. When she does you listen and validate. Be fully emotionally present through the interaction, but then be the one that is busy and needs to end the interaction.
- Let her initiate interactions - Be emotionally present, leaning on sandi's rules, and listen and validate during the interaction - Be the one that ends the interaction "I need to be somewhere....."
Thanks, Steve. I actually identified with several of your pre-180 behaviors in your marriage, particularly the tv-in-another-room-from-the-family thing. I sought a respite from the noise and chaos of so many kids. So, as noted, my initial reaction was to remedy this behavior and "be more available." I have not pursued since coming across DB and this board, but it sometimes feels like a balance for me. I appreciate your clarification and reminder. I've had a lot of slip-ups. Yesterday W got onto me for acting moody and volatile when I got home....which is like the pot calling the kettle black, but whatever.
