Tell yourself every day that this may be the last day of your marriage. Prepare for that possibility
That's something I've probably lost sight of, but need to try to keep in mind. Right now we're on a trip with the kids that has helped summon many nostalgic summer thoughts to my head. Really not helping with detachment. Like, at all.
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Don't get caught up in what she's doing. Decide your breaking point and follow through even when it's hard.
I needed this reminder. Not sure what the breaking point officially is and/or when it will present itself. Like I told Elbereth above, as of now, I would prefer not to be the one to file for D. Quite possibly would be a gift to W, and I don't know if I want that on my conscience - that I pulled the trigger on breaking up the family. BL42 would agree.
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Also don't worry about moving out (for either of you two), you're not there yet.
Thanks for this thought. It's stressful to consider, but you're right. In fact, given our family calendar circumstances the rest of the summer (as well as the board harmony on *not* being the one to move out), it's hard to fathom when any separation might germinate, unless something crazy happens with W.
What are some of the other reasons there's such an outcry against nesting? I mean, I get the main one, but it would seem like if you could agree on a "no sex with others rule" that it would at least get both parents into the house on a rotation.
You have a lot to learn, and you need to do it quickly. The rules have changed. She has lost attraction for you.
Do your research on attraction and take a good hard look at your behavior and make as many positive changes as you can as quickly as you can. You do this not to win her back, but rather to become a better version of yourself for you.
I have only read the last few of your posts, but it really doesn't matter. Focus on you and your own self improvement. Everything that works is counter-intuitive.
Ovr is completely right about no stress about moving out. If you decide to stand the timeline is years. 14 months from BD to XW moving out in my sitch. You mentioned you co-own the house, as did I with my XW. So what you need to consider long term, as part of a divorce, are you financially capable of buying her share? If so do you WANT to? In the short term don’t make any moves befor consulting a lawyer and always from a position of strength.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
What are some of the other reasons there's such an outcry against nesting? I mean, I get the main one, but it would seem like if you could agree on a "no sex with others rule" that it would at least get both parents into the house on a rotation. I'm not saying I'm smitten with it, just asking.
How would you enforce a "no sex with others" rule? What about making out, dirty dancing, etc with others? Agreeing to nesting thinking you can control a WW is fool's gold at best. All a "no sex with others" rule would do is mean that if she did sleep with someone you would never know about it. That is why we tell LBSs to assume they ARE sleeping with others. Now what? (Hint: you get to answer the "now what?" for yourself.
Though I never nested, I did watch my WW hoping she'd choose me. What a terrible place to be. Especially since she had made it clear she didn't want me. So with every move she made (EA, looking for another EAP after the first one ended, nude pics with 1st EAP, full blown dating profile on dating app, etc), I was disappointed. If I could look back at my old self at the beginning of my situation, I would tell myself to ASSUME the worst. And then make my decisions about how to move forward accordingly.
Originally Posted by Doug54
I'm terrible with just taking one day at a time and often immediately rush to the worst case scenario. Granted, a lot of the situations on this board do end in the "worst case." (I suppose the true worst case would be death, but you know what I mean.)
I do not agree. I know you think that worse case scenario is divorce. Not at all. Worst case scenario is that you learn nothing and do grow through out this situation. Whether you save your MR or not becomes less important than what you personally gain through the experience. Yes lots of posters here end up D'd. But a lot of them are better for it, and through working on themselves have set themselves up for future success in a new R. A few get stuck, but it is because they never really embraced that they have a choice for themselves no matter what their WAS ultimately decides about the MR.
Until you drop the fear of D, you will continue to thwart your own DBing efforts. We live in an imperfect world. You MR could end for a myriad of reasons (including death as you mention). Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% what our attitude towards those things are.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What are some of the other reasons there's such an outcry against nesting? I mean, I get the main one, but it would seem like if you could agree on a "no sex with others rule" that it would at least get both parents into the house on a rotation.
You are already in the house with your wife and kids 100% of the time. Nesting doesn’t “solve” anything for you. If she wants to be away 50% of the time, let her work on what that looks like and how she’s going to pay for it while you use your gift of time to read Sandi’s Rules, process your emotions through IC or other means, GAL, and 180 any behaviors that aren’t working for you. Are you ready to DB and try Sandi’s Rules? The only logistical detail to look into is talking to a lawyer so your money isn’t used for her move-out, body enhancements, or vacations with OM.
I do have a true nesting story: two family friends tried it. The husband (LBS) cried that he still hoped they’d reconcile but he found used condoms of various sizes every time they switched homes. The wife (WAS) felt she’d been ethical by waiting to explore emotionally or sexually until she’d told him she intended to D and he agreed they should separate (nesting).
How are things between you and your ex-husband today?
Barely communicating. I had told him that if we divorced we would not be friends. After he moved away to another state, he did make effort to stay in touch somewhat regularly. Even wanted to meet to 'catch up and have drinks' and I declined. I found that it wasn't because he wanted a relationship with me. It appeared that he wanted the D process remained civil, to keep himself looking 'good' to friends and family, and to use anything he could against me. For example, he was supportive and encouraging about my leaving the same employer he left, but then used my situation as a reason to provide less maintenance. Selfishness rules during the crisis, and when you add that to someone that I believe is also a covert narcissist, it makes trusting anything he says or does impossible. So I find it better to go NC as much as possible while still trying to remain a step-parent to the boys. If he reaches out, I usually stall my responses, keep them short and unemotional, and I do not reach out to him unless I need to. So far, especially since the D finalized, he's hardly been reaching out and lives in another state now. So I'm lucky there.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Not sure what the breaking point officially is and/or when it will present itself. Like I told Elbereth above, as of now, I would prefer not to be the one to file for D. Quite possibly would be a gift to W, and I don't know if I want that on my conscience - that I pulled the trigger on breaking up the family.
Many WW spouses try to get the LBS to file...so that they can say "see, he/she wanted the divorce and we both agree it's best". Forcing him to be the one to file was related to that as well as I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to save the marriage. And, I didn't want the ending of our marriage on my conscience just like you mentioned.
On another note, have you found the Hearts Blessing website about MLC? If you think she may be going through one, you might find it helpful. There are also many other articles that relate to affairs as well and might help you to get a better understanding of what happens. It's my understanding that he used to be on this site a long time ago...and she has passed away. But the site was still up the last time I looked. The stages articles really put into context how the MLC can drag out for a long time. The articles did not make me feel better but I did better with having information and understanding.
Living with my XH after the BD was difficult. He would wear a ring and a bracelet that his AP gave to him...which I asked him to remove to avoid rubbing it in my face. But I'm still glad I did it for the kids, for the attempt to save the MR, and for the time I needed to adjust. But I do regret not legally protecting my financials. We did discuss a verbal agreement, which he then proceeded to ignore. So, please do speak to a lawyer and get your financials locked down until you know what will happen in the future. Other than that, keep DB'ing, taking care of yourself, and moving forward. Control what you can control, which is really only yourself.
Hang in there!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Ovr is completely right about no stress about moving out. If you decide to stand the timeline is years. 14 months from BD to XW moving out in my sitch. You mentioned you co-own the house, as did I with my XW. So what you need to consider long term, as part of a divorce, are you financially capable of buying her share? If so do you WANT to? In the short term don’t make any moves befor consulting a lawyer and always from a position of strength.
If I were to extrapolate your timeline to my own situation, it would put my W moving out roughly next summer, which I think could be plausible. I would be shocked if she tried to put something together before then, especially if I shoot down a nesting type setup.
She would not have the financial means to buy out my share of the equity in the home. Would I be able to do the same with her equity? Possibly, but I'd be losing a very favorable rate when I'd refinance. I don't know if either of us wants to boot the kids from their home by forcing a sale, so that could get interesting. This would be down the road, though.
Thanks for posting, Mumin. I've read some of your thread and I'm sorry for what you dealt with.
You are already in the house with your wife and kids 100% of the time. Nesting doesn’t “solve” anything for you. If she wants to be away 50% of the time, let her work on what that looks like and how she’s going to pay for it while you use your gift of time to read Sandi’s Rules, process your emotions through IC or other means, GAL, and 180 any behaviors that aren’t working for you. Are you ready to DB and try Sandi’s Rules? The only logistical detail to look into is talking to a lawyer so your money isn’t used for her move-out, body enhancements, or vacations with OM.
I do have a true nesting story: two family friends tried it. The husband (LBS) cried that he still hoped they’d reconcile but he found used condoms of various sizes every time they switched homes. The wife (WAS) felt she’d been ethical by waiting to explore emotionally or sexually until she’d told him she intended to D and he agreed they should separate (nesting).
Your notion about a “No Sex” rule sounds naive.
Between what you and LH have written, it sounds like there's a boatload of people out there who are mighty careless about where they dispose of prophylactics in nesting situations. How hard would it be to put that crap in a plastic bag and toss it in a McDonalds or 7-11 trashcan? Unless perhaps they wanted to send a deliberate message.
Nonetheless the point remains. I'll refuse to entertain any thoughts of "nesting."
