Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
Sunday 7th August:

I’ve been sad, depressed, teary today. I feel hopeless. Or felt. I’m better now. I continued working in our granddaughters room to clear, tidy, & organise it. She’s 14. This is her responsibility but… it’s just not happening. So I did the job because I just cannot take on any more combative stress around here. I need calm. I had a lot of time to think while in her room working. Too much time. I also saw H get in his car & leave. I assume to golf. The change from H since Thursday evening, him not communicating with me, not texting me to tell me what he’s doing feels unnatural. But if I want things to change in our dynamic, then it all needs to change and that starts with me. We all get used to comfort, to what we are used to. It feels familiar and like home. Even unhealthy dynamics can feel like home. My relationship with H for what I now know to be the last 7 years he’s been MLC, maybe longer, has been unhealthy. We put our marriage and each other on the back burner while we fought fires. There were so damn many fires! In that time MLC happened to H. He didn’t know. I didn’t know, I was preoccupied with the crisis that was happening in our family, a Narcissist. Same when H began his Limerence EA relationship with the OW. I look back and he was acting oddly but he told me where he was going and I believed him because to me H was a good man. Honourable. Didn’t lie. He was lying. He was MLC. A different person. But I didn’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. And I trusted him.

I’ve found myself dreaming the last couple years, since Covid, of what retirement will be like for H & I. I see myself tending to plants, drinking margaritas in the garden, looking fun & funky in the cutest printed cotton overalls, the occasional floppy hat. I’ve stretched myself by buying an ocean kayak, my dream! H likes it so much we buy a 2nd. H is smiling as he heads off to golf. We kiss, confirm his approximate return time and possibilities for dinner. Everything is chill. We are relaxed. Happy. Enjoy each other. H continues to make me laugh like no one ever has. We play Dixit, Yahtzee or Clue in the evenings. Or watch a scary movie. We often go for evening walks, hand in hand, talking about our next adventure. Where shall we travel to next? We sleep well at night my head in its place on his chest. This is what my minds-eye saw our future. I didn’t tell H. Instead I left him on his own. I’m not responsible for his MLC but I am responsible for not sharing my dreams with my H.

So the reality is H is Distancing. He’s angry because I didn’t do what he wanted. I didn’t give him the £4,000 to pay his tax bill. The specifics of this can be found on earlier posts. He’s playing hard ball. He always goes to the grocery store on the weekend before golf. I assume he went to golf both Sat or Sun as he was wearing a golf shirt both days. Neither day did he bring back groceries. So it seems, to him, if I won’t give him the money he won’t buy groceries. I can only assume this is his tactic. I can’t know for sure as I won’t ask him. Since I was slapped in the face with his emotional infidelity 27th Feb I’ve been the pursuer. I don’t feel I’ve been the pursuer in our relationship prior. H definitely chased me when we met, flying from the UK to California to meet. Flying my kids & I to the UK then off to Paris to propose to me. Then back to California to marry. Then moving us to the UK to live. Our early relationship, first 10 years, was H pursuing me. Then I took him for granted and put my attention to other things, grandkids. Then the string of crisis began. My Mom passed, a month later our brother in law died an excruciating death, this was the tipping point that H told me 2 months ago initiated him starting to feel bad, as he calls it. What we know as the beginning of his MLC, July 2015. I do wish I had done things differently. We are told it wouldn’t make any difference to his MLC, that was pre-destined from childhood abuse. But still I feel I made H feel unloved, minimised and for that I am deeply regretful & ashamed. 😞 I did always love my husband. Always. Currently he doesn’t believe he loves me. I see people talking about the Prisoner persona, the real spouse, deep inside the MLC Monster. In there love still exists within him for me. Real love. I’ve a good LBS friend whose H reached Acceptance & returned to their marriage. She tells me things he remembers. Things he did to his wife that were wrong, hurtful, that he feels shame for. Things she said that he kept with him. He heard her but the Monster wouldn’t let him, the prisioner, respond. My friend got tired, fed up, had enough of her H MLC crap, as she puts it, and was ready to walk. That’s when he woke up and began to pursue her. This is her advice to me: Do not pursue your H. Ignore him. Get busy. Do your hair, nails, makeup. Change your style. Be interesting to yourself. Laugh. Smile. I will add to this Be A Lighthouse. & Enjoy Your Picnic. Live your life. Dream!

H began pursuing the OW Jan 2019. This is H natural state of being, to pursue. First me, successfully. We married. Then OW, unsuccessfully. Meaning it’s never developed into a reciprocal relationship. But because of Limerence he’s addicted to the brain Heroin chemicals that happen as a result of OW voice, image, presence. She’s not special, it’s chemicals. The physical toll Limerence with the OW has taken on H mind & body is terrible. It’s not a healthy relationship. Him dealing with OW is a part of his MLC. I hope he does deal with it, successfully, as there can be no US as long as she’s in his life. He told me 3 weeks ago he wants to Cake Eat. Have us both. He’s also said a month ago he needs time, 3 months, 6 months. Via Limerence he was giving her his best, I was getting the dregs. No. I’m the Wife. OW is nothing. While I can take no actual action, it must be 100% on H to end, I can have visions in my mind of me physically kicking the OW off my throne, taking my crown back! 👑 In Gods time. I’m processing. Letting go of the rope. Leaving H to himself. Focusing on myself within this dynamic, to identify my behaviours, my triggers. What was healthy, what was not. Taking responsibility so I can heal & do better. The rest I have to leave to God & my H to sort.

Today I ordered the DB book from Amazon UK. I’ve read the Pursuer /Distancer thread fully once today and some posts twice. Would appreciate responses on my purchasing The Solo Partner book? Is it worth purchasing? I went for a drive. I did lots of reading here. I supported a couple LBS friends on another forum. I allowed myself to be emotional & cry. I exposed fears & was honest with myself writing this post.

This entire post are thoughts of me processing. I’m not pursuing H. I won’t text or call or speak to H until he does me. And then it will be SMART contact. This honestly feels uncomfortable but I know it’s the right thing to do. The current dynamic must be changed and it’s up to me to change me.

~ Theia

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello Theia

Originally Posted by Theia
This honestly feels uncomfortable but I know it’s the right thing to do. The current dynamic must be changed and it’s up to me to change me.

Correct!

Plenty of the LBS’ path will be counterintuitive; it will feel wrong. However, like you say, it is the right thing to do, you know it is, contrary to feelings.

Cool thing about feelings, they are fleeting. We do not directly control our feelings, yet we do influence them through our thoughts and actions, both of which one does directly control.

One’s situation, the dynamic of their situation, can change for and from a multitude of reasons. The best, most positive changes you can affect are those that are for you. You control you. Make your positive changes purposefully, and the outcome will be positive and benefit you.

Originally Posted by Theia
I just want to know how best to proceed. Practical ideas please.

I am glad to see you have boring days free of H’s drama and antics. Focus on you. Focus of those. Craft those kind of days. That is the what you want and need, a nice calm ride down a gentle stream, not the rollercoaster of a monstering H.

How best to proceed is that aforementioned changing you. Upgrading you. Theia 2.0 if you will. Better not bitter. Confident. Full of grace. At peace. Compassionate. Forgiving. And such.

Detachment is the single best thing one can do for themselves. Letting go. Dropping the rope. Giving them to God. And we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. We let go because of our reasons and understanding to believe and walk the counterintuitive path.

Mid life crisis is horrible! I watch my loving wife and mother of four turn into an alien pod person who threw away her own children and destroyed her life. She thought she was going insane!

Realize a crisis is a runaway emotional torment that the poor lost soul cannot rationalize, they do not understand what is happening, or why it is happening. This soul crushing torment emotionally builds and builds until they explode. Something within them, usually far in their past, and usually an authority figure from their childhood, is buried deep. Some unresolved turmoil. Something quite bad and difficult for such a young mind to absorb or understand. So, it is denied. Buried. And forgotten.

Then middle age, morality, deaths, weddings, and such trigger and uncover this forgotten trauma(s). Those demons will no longer be denied! For that which is buried alive will come back to haunt.

The MLCer is fighting their demons. And, at first, they simply cannot. They really cannot face that long ago pain. These poor folks were emotionally stunted growing up. Their crisis pulls them back to that time, from when they now need to grow up from.

Their battle with their demons takes a terrible toll. The MLCer has far too much pain to at first comprehend and is far too ill equipped to cope. So they run. They run from their pain, their dug up torments, their memories.

Projection. Oh, the mind loves to rationalize. The hurt and lost MLCer cannot face themselves nor the fact that this is about them. Definitely not when things are freshly dug up and so confusing for them. They simply cannot blame themselves. They cannot be to blame. They cannot face morality, their fear, their pain, their trauma. They look around and see their loving spouse. Ah, the person they have entangled their life with. Their mixed up mind places the blame upon their spouse. Usually. My wife more blame the kids, specifically my youngest son. (Supper weird and hard to watch her unravel like that.)

With their spouse firmly placed as rationalized scapegoat, they look to feel better. Of course, blaming the spouse doesn’t stop their internal pains. So they run. New behaviours, vices, friends, affairs, etc. Anything and everything to dull their ceaseless never-ending torment. Some common behaviours include spending money; plenty of crisis folks run through their entire savings, house remortgaged, retirement money gone, all before the unawares LBS finds out. Drinking, drugs, illicit and dangerous behaviours are common as well. Something to feel less. Something to feel a thrill. Something to feel young.

Affairs are staggeringly common. Sex is equated with happiness. The rush, the feeling of being special and understood. Affair partners usually come with new friends as well. New people who “truly” understand them. Ha, these MLCers don’t understand themselves, and their choices in new “people” is another symptom in a long line of symptoms.

A MLCer’s path is all about them!

They are driven to it.

While running, a MLCer has no empathy. They cannot handle anyone else’s emotions. Heck, their own feelings are cranked to eleven, they have not enough bandwidth for themselves. Anything and anyone else is intolerable noise.

Time and space. Give them plenty of both. For if not, they will just take it. A MLCer would step over their dying spouse to answer a phone call from their affair partner. My wife straight-armed her own kids to keep them out of her way as she shopped around the house gathering the few possessions she took with herself to OM’s place.

Do not buy what the MLCer is selling. Do not eat what they try to feed you. It really is all about them!

Time. In time, hopefully the MLCer starts to realize, start to see, their LBS is not really around, not really involved in their life. And realize that they are still unhappy and hurting. Then, maybe, the MLCer realizes that it cannot be their spouse’s fault. And they look within. And start truly healing, instead of running.

A crisis is horrible and devastating. I would not wish it upon anyone.


So, that leaves us, the LBS. What to do? Best way to proceed. Practical ideas.

Focus on you. Let go. Drop that rope, or be dragged by it.

You cannot fix H. Any manipulation of H’s journey will lengthen his path. Manipulation at best will be neutral, at worst glue him and you in place.

Realize compassion has an indifference to it. You are compassionate to H when letting him have his consequences.

Have boundaries. And enforce them. Rock solid!

Some practical suggestions from what you have shared so far:

No more discussions about MLC with H. People in crisis do not believe they are sick, or have anything wrong with them, or are emotionally unstable, or need help, etc… They will push back against such well intentioned efforts. They need to come to that realization themselves.

MLC is completely emotional in nature. There is no good to come from trying to rationalize with H. An MLCer is driven by their emotions, not their logic. True, they are not full time consumed by their emotions and often can work and hide what is going on within rather well. Yet, the big life decisions will be based upon how it makes them feel. Not what they “think” is right. And interestingly, a MLCer doesn’t realize this, and “thinks” it is right. Feelings and thoughts getting stirred and blended together. A reinforcing soup of feedback. It’s a terrible thing to have one’s mind and self so consumed.

Do not pay H’s taxes. As you saw, and stated, you have no course which doesn’t lead to him monstering. So, just let go. Leave him to his bill.

Seek legal counsel. Learn you rights and options. You don’t need to utilize anything you learn. Yet, you will be forewarned and forearmed if you need to. Knowledge is power.

Do not tell H! No sharing about the lawyer or anything you learn. Do not share your playbook with him. I guarantee he isn’t sharing his with you.

Craft a boundary. I was appalled with how he treated you at the golf course. Your boundary is: When you treat me in a disrespectful manner, I will not talk to you. I will leave the room or walk away. And enforce that!

If you could have a mulligan: During the golf game berating, tell him what he is doing, turn in your heals, and walk off the course. Take the car home and let his @ss take a cab. If he has the keys, take a cab, leave him standing there mouth agape. You do not accept such treatment. People will treat you as you let them.

Speaking of do-overs. Stop worrying about making mistakes. No one thing you do will end you marriage. Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.

Continue to be a roommate with H. Maybe even more. I get how he still plays being married. I understand you wanting to keep peace in the house. I agree with you - if OW is in the picture then H is not. So, live peacefully, and leave him to his self.

Stop worrying about rocking the boat too much at home. You cannot nice him back. And walking on eggshells is tiring and causes so much stress. Don’t purposefully do things to aggravate, yet no need to smooth everything over so he doesn’t explode. Let him look and be the bad guy.

Get your bank accounts sorted out. Get access to all marital assets. It doesn’t matter if H doesn’t like that, or might get mad, or actually gets mad. He is using your fear against you if that is the case.

Work through your fears. Deal with things as they come up. No need to borrow trouble. (And besides, you are going to see a L, and be prepared.)

Stand. Realize who and what you are standing for. (Clue: It’s you. Well, that’s a stupid clue DnJ, you just outright told her. My goodness you post all kinds of heartfelt thoughtful advice and then go and do that. Just blurt it out. Lol. smile )

I hope you’re smiling and laughing. That’s my last for today. Laugh and live. Enjoy your life. Find the fun. And stand for you.

Have a wonderful day T.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
DnJ,

It’s now been a week since H asked for the £4,000 and I stated in order for me to help him I need something important to me, to be added to the family bank account. H Monstered and left the room, saying he’s moving out the end of the month. (To be noted I never told him No. I asked for something I needed from him. As H is not speaking to me I don’t know if he perceived I said No or if it really is all about the bank account. That’s what I believe it to be based on how he grabbed his phone off me when I was scrolling in the account. But I don’t know for certain. If it is discussed again, if H brings it up for discussion, I will make sure to tell him I never said No.)

H is ignoring me. Not speaking to me. Not communicating. No dinner. No more pretend marriage. I am being punished for not giving him the money and for pointing out the elephant in the room, which is what is going on with our family money that you cannot pay your taxes?

I take it you & others here have lived this way? For how long? Weeks? Months? YEARS? Please anyone that’s had to do this please post. I need your advice, support!

Navigating:
Today I am affected. Deeply. No doubt H knows this. Other days this week I’ve been fine. Now mind you 7 days have passed. I don’t know if I’m ignoring him, being friendly if we cross paths? I take it I’m not to do anything at all for him. No more shared meals, not that he will participate. So my mistakes in those 7 days are 3. So not daily. One day I asked him how was golf? He answered, it was terrible. He is sore. Twice I made dinner as the food was in the fridge from before H’s Monstering last Thursday still needed to be eaten. The first I cooked & ate while H was at golf, leaving the rest of the food on too of the stove. I sent him a text to say: “I was hungry. The chicken needed to be cooked. There is chicken & potatoes for you if you like.“ H replied: “ok thanks” I would understand if the response is Theia, why did you text him? What about your promise to SMART contact? Wouldn’t he have seen it and known? The answer is no. H would not assume it’s for him. He needs to be told. He’s always been this way. It’s part of him being on the Spectrum. Also, Right now he’s angry with me so no way is he making food that includes me so he’d assume I’d do the same. The second food was chili in the slow cooker. I tried to make him aware so I’m not involved at all. Someone in the family just tell him there is chili in the slow cooker. That person was my granddaughter. Go tell your grandpa that there is chili in the slow cooker. So she says to him: Grandpa Grandma wanted me to tell you there is chili in the slow cooker. I hear her say this, I do a face palm. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hear his tone of voice with her. Normal. He’s normal with everyone but me. He tells her he’s tired, not hungry, he’ll have some tomorrow. But my worse offence was seeing a pack of nuts at the store, buying them and the next morning as H was leaving for work I verbally told him that I got him some nuts. Did he see them on the counter? The look on his face. The tone in his voice. Disdain. Anger. My daring to have boundaries and want to look at our finances because something is very wrong! His secrets are threatened. So his weapon is to attack my heart.

Looking at what I did:
I think it’s ok I asked him about golf. Maybe make a statement instead of question next time. That way he’s not required to respond, no pressure. “I hope golf went well for you today.”
The nuts was just nuts! Both in buying the nuts and approaching him. Clearly pursuing.
The two meals we already had before the Monstering episode. I take it he ate the chicken & potato meal as I don’t recall seeing food left over. Everyone else here is vegan so if it was eaten it was by H. The chili he didn’t eat. Maybe wasn’t hungry. Maybe because he’s passive aggressively hurting me. Maybe he will actually have some tomorrow. That’s the last of the meals with fresh meat that needs to be eaten. It appears H is no longer going to the grocery store. My best guess is he thinks if I won’t give him the money to pay his taxes without having a legitimate need of my own for him to meet then he won’t buy groceries any longer. I guess I will buy only what I need to cook for me. No more leaving meals for him. No more sending him texts or asking family to speak to H telling him food is available. He’s on his own!

Practicality:
Am I actually ignoring him? Or am I being kind when I come in to contact with him? I ask because I’ve been advised to do both. This questions may seem silly but this just isn’t how we do here. Or did! This is foreign. I don’t know how to be this other person. I used to just BE with my husband. He pursued me. (And this was just in April/May, before he found out that I knew about his secrets, his LO/OW) He wanted to please me. He feared losing me. But then he found out that I knew and I didn’t leave him so my importance and esteem in his eyes decreased. I was willing to stay with him as he continued contact with his Limerence Object, his other woman who doesn’t care about him. He works with her, she’s on his team. If I am standing for my marriage what choice did I have but to accept there isn’t anything I can do about his relationship with LO/OW? Now H doesn’t care about me. Everything is backwards now. I hate it so much. I do realise it’s MLC H I am dealing with. That’s who is hurting me.

Bank account:
When you say get access to all the marital assets. I don’t know how one does that. I can’t just go down to the bank by myself to ask to be added. H won’t add me. He doesn’t want his secrets exposed. The money he’s spent on OW, her family. I don’t think a court has the power to add me to a bank account. Once I get lawyers involved to do financial discoveries, disclose what’s happened to that bank account, H will retaliate. May start D proceedings. He won’t see me protecting myself. He’ll see me exposing him. He’s not being logical, like you said, it’s all emotional now. This is one of my fears, as you said, H knows my fears. I will go see a family law attorney week of 22nd. I need to know where I legally stand.

I read about your W taking things from your home to the OM house. When was this in your story? Did you live with her, living as married or roommates for awhile before this happened? How did you react? Both in the moment and internally.

I am struggling. Sad. Hurt. I have been regretting sending H that WhatsApp message. I went against my own rule to always sleep on emotionally driven texts, emails, phone calls before sending. I should not have brought up the past. His wounded ego can’t stand the reminders of what he’s done. Yes, everything I said was true but was it necessary to say? I should have just said We both know adding me to the bank account is the right and sensible thing to do. I’ve gone back & forth at whether to apologise or not. Part of me thinks yes as H has said I don’t take responsibility. But I think I do, specially these last 6 months. I think I’m fairly self-reflective. I think H was deflecting when he said that and also Monstering, trying to make me feel small, less than. I do want my HUSBAND to know I want to heal from what he’s done so he knows I will not use his past as a weapon used against him. I want him to know I want to forgive. But he wouldn’t hear me now would he? He’s all about him. And it’s relationship talks so that’s a no right there. Maybe at a later date when H is returning to himself and our marriage I can make amends then. Maybe by then it won’t matter, we will have other more important things to deal with.

These are my thoughts in my current mindset. Had I written the post on another day this week I may have written a different post. I am struggling to detach. Some days I’m better than others. I struggle to just live my life. I am working on a long application, not enjoying it. But it’s necessary for my future. I’ve not done much rise for myself besides reading, see bottom of post. This week has been bad emotionally. It’s not lost on me how normal my response would be if MLC we’re not involved. If we were a couple going through normal marital issues and I said to a therapist I am upset that my husband is ignoring me. I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m very sad. I’m worried. The therapist would say those are all normal responses. They wouldn’t say Why aren’t you detaching? I’m married. To have emotional responses to your spouses behaviour is normal. I’m not a freak. I’m just doing myself a disservice as I might be married but H doesn’t act like he is anymore. I know detaching is in my best interests. To preserve my emotional & physical health. My H has been MLC since 2015. That’s when he told me he started to feel bad. (His words) I see the decline in him from the very event he reports was the tipping point. This essentially means I lived with H being MLC for 6 1/2 years, 3yrs Limerence before I knew. Life was easier then but he wasn’t himself. How much longer would his crisis been if we’d carried on that way? H had done secretive things along the way that I’d missed. Lies about going to work when he was taking OW and her extended family to a safari park, etc. Earlier this year finally taking the big leap of flying 5,000 miles to see OW to convince her to care for him (didn’t work, she blanked him), lying to me telling me he is going to to that country to work. His lies we’re found out and now we are on a different trajectory, a different path. This path is not as pretty as the other path. That path was fake but I didn’t know it. This path is reality and it is not fun! It’s fraught with uncertainty, pain, disillusionment, fear.

I communicated with a very experienced former LBS I know last Thursday. Her H crisis was 15 years ago. Her H returned to the marriage. She now helps other LBS. Awesome person. She told me H will likely leave our home but that he needs to leave as he needs to see that life out there away from wife, family, house isn’t all he thinks it will be. The grass isn’t greener and to come to the realisation that he still feels as he does, in pain, confused, depressed, so maybe it wasn’t my spouse, family, home after all. Maybe it’s within me. He needs this time to heal, move through the process. When she talks I feel better as she has so much experience. What I get from it is this current situation is just a part of the story. It’s not the entire story. There is hope.

Fear:
I am fearful that if H leaves he will never return to our home, our marriage. I am fearful if H does not leave he will stay stuck in his crisis. I am fearful I will find out things H has done financially that will devastate me.

The DB book arrived Wednesday. I’m on Chapter 3. I think I need to order The Solo Partner as I am really struggling with the Pursuer / Distancer dynamic.

~Theia

Last edited by Theia; 08/12/22 07:18 AM. Reason: Added bit 1st paragraph
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Theia, read my story. I'm kind of depressed actually that no one here told you to! Any advice I have you can see play out if you start on one of my early threads. But in short -- go dark. Go dark. Go dark. Get him out of the house as quickly as possible. Divide your finances as quickly as possible. Go dark. Go dark. Be polite, never be vengeful. Don't expect him back before 2026. Decide what you want to do from 2022 - 2026 and go do it. If he comes back, you can decide then what you want. Everything you are saying and thinking is pointless. Your H is gone. The guy you think is your H is a shark, an alien, a dark brain with no heart walking around in your H's old body. You might realize he was always that way or it might be a real crisis and he'll come out of it. You won't know for YEARS. Noticing what he does from minute to minute or day to day is like trying to watch evolution from one-celled organism to mammal. You can't do that day by day, only eon by eon. Your brain is spinning on the wrong track. Jump off!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
Hi Gerda,

Why do you think 2026? H had already been MLC for 7 years. I have this verified in both my H telling me, out of the fog, the tipping point July 2015 when he began to feel bad, as he put it, and photos from that event onward that show him succumbing to MLC, including a photo of him with black shark eyes and that look on his face May 2019 taken at a uneventful hotel breakfast the morning after a murder mystery event. You believe it’s 11 years for everyone? A read of the healed marriages here and other support forums range between 5-10 years. And no he wasn’t always this way. Not at all. He was a lovely husband for 17 years. As for getting H out. That needs to be his decision. He gets to own that. I’m not going to be accused of kicking him out. It looks like he’s going to be doing it on his own early next month anyway. He’s withdrawing from me. Speaks to his work colleagues fine. Speaks to our family that live here fine. It’s just me he’s avoiding, giving angry looks and having that tone to his voice. (This was him speaking to me. Not me addressing him. And it was once this week.)

I’ll look for your posts. I hope what I will read is a positive outcome. Your healed marriage. 😊

~ Theia

Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
Need some fast responses please. Timely issue! ⏰


Our adult D, SIL & their 3 boys (3yo twins, 7yo) have gone Glamping til Tuesday. That’s lovely. The boys we’re so excited when I saw them off. Big smiles all around. Their Mum loves loves looooves to go crabbing, so that will definitely be something they do a couple times.


I didn’t relish the idea of being in the house alone with my H sulking in his room, what feels like a emotionally violent purposefully ignoring me. So I’ve gone to the seashore for a couple nights. It’s after 11:37pm, nearing midnight. I’m at my hotel having a wild berries cider. I’ve not told H I’m away. He has no idea where I am. Hell he might not have noticed I am gone. (He’s noticed.) He might not even care! He’s not messaged me. (He’s angry with me for not giving him the £4,000 without having a request of my own, a Quid Pro Quo, adding me to the family bank account.) I am of two minds. One mind says I need to tell him as I am a good person and I am his Wife. (Yes I know you are going to say I am his roommate now but legally I am his Wife) I think a short, simple. ‘I’m away, back in a couple days.’ This mind is the ‘This is how adults sharing a house’ behave mind. It is NOT the ‘This is how a married couple’ behave mind. A text to a loving spouse would be different, more detailed, and would absolutely happen. Hell the weekend away would not have been planned before discussing with my husband. But that’s not H & I now. Now we are roommates apparently, though this has not been discussed or agreed between us. We’ve never used the word roommate. So is ‘roommate’ assumed? Is H assuming roommates or is he assuming I’m still his Wife? His wife that he’s angry at, is not communicating with but would still expect her to let Jim know she’s gone away for the weekend.

I’ve never had a roommate before. Do you tell your roommate if you are going to be gone the weekend? I know you tell your husband what you are doing.

Also this: I’m not going to pretend anything. Detaching when your spouse lives at home is hard. Reading through hundreds of posts here I saw this exact wording typed out - Detaching when your MLC spouse lives at home is very difficult - was posted SO many times by seasoned frequent posters here that have replied to my thread so I am justifiably backed up that this sh*t is hard! I’m working on detaching, letting go. I’m going to guess that the response I’m going to get to my question as to how H would likely react, feel of me being away will be ‘You need to not care how he reacts.’ I text him & he’s like “Meh, whatever.” That’s the “ok” response - The MLC Script response: ‘Its all my wife’s fault that I am unhappy’ response. Or I don’t tell him at all and he still doesn’t care or he does and he wonders about me. Or he’s even more angry at me that I didn’t tell him. (Again I’m sure people will say Don’t even care what your H response is. Or isn’t!)

Do we not want our MLC spouse to wonder, worry? H did that before. Wonder. Worry. My D & SIL reported H would sit in the lounge in complete darkness waiting for me to come home at night. Racing around the house looking for me. Desperate. Wanting to make me dinner. This was April, May, June of this year. He’s cycled hard repeatedly since. He’s now displaying a different person. A much less worried and less interested in me persona. MLC 🙄

What I want to present to H is a strong Theia right? I am moving forward. Putting me first. So is that conveyed through sending a text to say I’m away this weekend. Be back Monday. Or is it saying nothing at all?

In the last 3 1/2 years H did LOTS of things without informing me. He took his unrequited Limerence Object/OW to dinner, to a safari park, to a Christmas light display, more. So on that front, well…

But that’s not who I am. I’m not petty and I don’t lower who I am because of the sh*tty things others have done.

Additionally H still lives at home. Week ago Thursdays he Monstered that he’s leaving after Ireland, which is in 2 weeks. But he’s threatened to leave before and hasn’t. He’s threatened D and then said he was just angry, he never wants a D. Who knows! 🤷🏼‍♀️ What I want is to look out for myself, grow (I am growing, learning about me, part issues, owning up, being a better Theia) and for H to continue his journey to Acceptance & healing. If this is best done not at our home then that’s what I hope he does.

Can I get some urgent help here thinking this through. I don’t care that it’s just after midnight now. If I send the text at 3am that’s fine. If that’s what I do. I know it’s just a text but I need help. 🙏🏻

Yes I’m aware H has not messaged me to ask were I am, if I’m ok. Nothing. MLC 😩

~ Theia

Last edited by Theia; 08/13/22 11:29 PM. Reason: Bit to end
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Theia,

IMO, you're over thinking it. If you had left him "a short, simple. ‘I’m away, back in a couple days.’" note at the house that would've been fine, but at this point I wouldn't text him... especially at midnight or 3am. That would clearly be a sign of attachment /weakness he could sense a mile away. Stay strong. IF he reaches out and asks you could respond with that short simple phrase.

Btw...I think it's fantastic you got away and took some time for yourself. Good for you. Try to focus on making you happy these next few days and not thinking about what H is doing or how how's feeling or reacting.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
Tuesday 16th August:

Thank you BL42 for your response & Hello to anyone reading this. I hope you are having a very good day. 🌞

Maybe it’s because it’s summer but it appears the forum is not as active as it used to be, based only on reading old posts that seemed to get a lot of responses. I hope everyone is ok.

Sunday evening, 30 hours after I left our home, our adult daughter contacted H to say she was having trouble getting ahold of me, asking him to have me call her, so H did find out Sunday I wasn’t with them. His response seemed like he didn’t notice I wasn’t at home, hadn’t slept there Saturday night. He’s so self-involved, selfish that he probably didn’t notice. He’s angry that I’m not playing ball. Am not willing for him to Cake Eat and I’ve made it clear I’m not going to save him financially, at least not without me knowing what is happening with our finances. His secrets, his foolishness, his choices are sinking him & our marriage. I will be seeing an attorney next week to find out my options for financial discovery. Maybe he thinks I won’t go that far. Maybe he thinks I doesn’t know I can. Maybe he thinks it will all blow over, he’ll win me over by ignoring me or manipulating me, so he never has to reveal all he’s done.

My weekend was fine. Just fine. I was up & down. Lonely & ok. I got frustrated more easily than usual. I also very much enjoyed the sea views. I drove by the bungalow I love. It’s still for sale. The owner was home. Her car in the drive, the French doors to the front courtyard & sea view open. I felt sad, knowing that if it wasn’t for my H MLC that could be our new home. The more time I spend in the area the more I know it’s where I want to be. My finances alone won’t pay for a property there just as H’s alone won’t. Together we could. But that’s not happening at this point so for now I’m putting that goal, dream for the future to hold. I’m not giving up on it. It’s just not for now.

It was hot & humid this weekend, even at the seashore, so sleeping was not easy. Sunday night I had a weird mental breakdown or break through, not sure what it was, but the floor came out of my world & I fell. I seriously wished I could just cease to exist. I missed my parents desperately and wanted to be where they are because I know it’s peace & love where they are. No more struggling. No more pain. No more rejection. No more trauma. Just love. A caring friend talked to me by PM. I eventually fell asleep. Monday when I woke I was still angry but was less emotional. I showered, put on my makeup & styled by hair, put on my cute holiday outfit, some lipstick & perfume. Then made sure I had everything & went down to breakfast. Each day the own/hosts chatted with me during breakfast. Lovely couple. I’d stay there again. Then we said our goodbyes and I set off, taking the costal route to the motorway, stopping for a bit at my favourite lookout by the sea where I talked to myself & God. I asked for help. To heal. To let H go. To be strong. To Go Dim, to not Pursue my H. To instinctively know what to do & say in every situation. To put myself first. To find Joy. And for my H to work through his MLC.

It was a long drive home. A lot of holiday makers heading home, so took twice as long as usual. I found myself alternating between worry about H cutting off my card attached to the family bank account, the account I use to pay for family things, like food, gifts, gas/petrol. I worried he’d do this in retaliation and what that would mean. Last week H didn’t grocery shop at all. He usually does each weekend before golf but last weekend he was angry that I wasn’t playing ball re the £4,000 without him adding me to the family bank account. Last week I used food still in the fridge. Driving home I expected I’d need to go to the grocery store to buy MY food for the week. Not food for us, but for me alone. As we are now living as roommates, H is acting out, ignoring me, seemingly still continuing his contact with his one-sided EA 5,000 miles away, I was having to Go Dark, or Go Dim pulling away from him. For part of the drive I played out scenarios in my head of my card being declined at the market. Me asking H what’s going on? Various responses from him. How to react to all. All in my head. Concern for me, not for H or his response. I don’t want stress for myself.

Also happening in my head and heart was a sense of I don’t care any more. Whatever he does he does. I have no control. I never did. I never will. He’s got to figure this out himself or be doomed to feeling as miserable as he does now until he dies. I felt both nothing and everything at once. Sadness and hope. It felt like a step forward.

My 14yo granddaughter had been at her Dads all weekend. He has full custody. Dads his partner & granddaughter live 1/4 mile from our house. She grew up in our house. Her best friends live here in our neighbourhood. Her bff has been her bff since they were babies, born only a month apart, knowing each other their entire lives. So our house is her favourite place. She called & texted me while I was at the seashore to pick her up before I go home. I picked her up and drove the 1/4 mile home, pulled up and saw the front door of our house open. Just as granddaughter & I were exiting the car H comes out of the house to head to golf. Granddaughter was carrying an overnight bag, God knows why?! Her clothes for the week? She has clothes here! H says Hi to GD then sees her overnight bag, he pulls a face and tuts. So now H likely thinks GD came to the seashore with me. I know I shouldn’t care but I do. H does need to wonder. He does need to worry. I instinctively know him considering me & our marriage IS a part of his moving forward. I know this instinctively. In the past 6 1/2 months when he’s felt me moving away from him he has made steps forward.

When I came in from my weekend away I saw grocery bags. H had been to the store. Interesting. In the fridge was groceries. Specific foods I like. Just a few days worth. Like he was dipping his toes in the water. I made dinner for my granddaughter & myself. Left enough for H to eat or not eat, his choice, when he came home from golf. After I ate I went upstairs, went to bed, tired. This morning the food was gone so I’m guessing he ate. I didn’t ask.

Reading the 37. Reading the thread on this forum on the Pursue /Distance Dynamic. Read the DB book, but not getting to anything relevant to my current situation as of yet, hopefully coming up. Trying to understand Going Dark, Going Dim as to how to interact with my H. I spent my marriage with my H pursuing me. This was natural. Easy. It was only the last 2 1/2 months that this dynamic has been different. When H found out I knew about his 3 1/2 year EA and didn’t leave him, didn’t divorce him, the roles reversed. Then he thought he could Cake Eat. Put up with his selfish emotional affair. He’s been pulling away as I’ve not responded positively to this. I’m reading & re-reading the thread here on Pursue /Distance to guide me how to act, respond. Something as simple as thanking him for getting the Curry that I like. H considering what I like, taking care of me, pursuing me. I do need to feed his ego that he can do the right thing. I’ve been seeing his guilt, his behaviour since I returned from America. I just didn’t know what it was. H is getting fed a whole lot of ego stroking from his POS EA 5,000 miles away. I don’t expect to compete with this. She’s got Limerence on her side. But I’m his wife and I’m here. Little nuggets. As long as I do not dragged back into the pursuer role, a role that always felt uncomfortable, wrong, I will figure this out. I’m re-learning to be me. The me before MLC changed my responses.

I don’t expect H will be here much longer. I predict he’ll go live with his sister or brother for awhile. He needs to in order to continue his journey, his crisis, see the grass isn’t greener. Sort himself out. I support him going. He’ll hate it. He’ll hint to come home. But If he’s still in contact with the OW then No. I hope he does work through this.

I’ve not made my curry. Right now the kitchen is being used by my daughter & SIL to make dinner for their boys. It’s these day to day situations we LBS with MLC at home struggle with. As he bought the curry do I make both, eat mine then tell him thank you for getting my favourite curry. I cooked yours along with mine.

I’m doing my best to piece this together. To prioritise me. If anyone has lived through similar please do post. This girl can use your experience & support.

~ Theia

Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
T
Theia Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 15
Well, I made the curry. I knocked at his door, waited, waited, heard a sound, poked my head in. He was in bed l, had been asleep. The air in the room was heavy, intense sadness. I whispered “Thank you for getting my favourite curry, I’ve made my dinner so heated another up for you if you want it.” Then I left without waiting for a response. No pressure. Thinking about it, he’s been quiet in his room all week. I normally hear his phone. YouTube, a game, horse racing. But this past week I have not. He’s severely depressed. This is his crisis. I leave him to it. Now that I know I’ll not make his food along with mine. I’ve said my appreciation. Now he needs uninterrupted space.

~ T

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello T

Originally Posted by Theia
Maybe it’s because it’s summer but it appears the forum is not as active as it used to be, based only on reading old posts that seemed to get a lot of responses. I hope everyone is ok.

Posts and responses do wax and wane. Yes, summer has folks otherwise occupied too, and there is a seemingly decreasing trend in active around here as well. Of course, this currents “trend” is kind of short and may just be more of a blip. Folks do feel otherwise, however, feelings a fact do not make.

Also, the MLC side of the board is a bit slower and laid back. MLC is a slow process and speedy actions and responses are seldom “needed” when dealing with the crisis person; just give ‘em a couple hours and they change their mind.

As for the LBS, yes we/I do read those I follow pretty much daily. And mostly respond in a timely manner. Current wedding did keep from here. smile My what a busy week!

Originally Posted by Theia
It’s now been a week since H asked for the £4,000 and I stated in order for me to help him I need something important to me, to be added to the family bank account. H Monstered and left the room, saying he’s moving out the end of the month. (To be noted I never told him No. I asked for something I needed from him. As H is not speaking to me I don’t know if he perceived I said No or if it really is all about the bank account. That’s what I believe it to be based on how he grabbed his phone off me when I was scrolling in the account. But I don’t know for certain. If it is discussed again, if H brings it up for discussion, I will make sure to tell him I never said No.)

I would not bother ensuring you let him know you didn’t say no. H will believe and project upon you as he is going to, regardless of what you tell him or not.

Do stick with your boundary. However, focus upon the being added to the account and not on his need of 4000 bucks. Your boundary is about not having access to the family accounts. Something like:

While I am prevented from accessing the family accounts I cannot and will not decide upon financially helping you. I require the family fiscal information before I would lend or invest my money.

Originally Posted by Theia
H is ignoring me. Not speaking to me. Not communicating. No dinner. No more pretend marriage. I am being punished for not giving him the money and for pointing out the elephant in the room, which is what is going on with our family money that you cannot pay your taxes?

Yep, H is giving you the silent treatment. Just like a petty teenager. All sullen and moody.

Originally Posted by Theia
I take it you & others here have lived this way? For how long? Weeks? Months? YEARS? Please anyone that’s had to do this please post. I need your advice, support!

Nope. I did not have to live that way. No live in spouse. It was bomb drop, the. three hours later she was gone and living with OM. Complete shock to me, kids, parents, friends, her childcare customers, and so on.

That being said, I have an excellent viewpoint and understanding of what the LBS needed to, or perhaps should, do and goes through to get to the other side and heal from such destruction. My situation and wreckage was just incredibly fast is all. I have plenty of advice and suggestions, and you have my attention and support!

Originally Posted by Theia
I don’t know if I’m ignoring him, being friendly if we cross paths? I take it I’m not to do anything at all for him.

The rules are not carved in stone. Look at it like this: Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

You can attempt anything. If you get positive results, keep doing it. If you attempt something and it backfires, blows up, or whatever negative result, then leave that for a while. I’m not saying H will not come around to it, however for a good while he will not.

A solutions journal is suggested from MWD in her books as one tool for finding what is actually a positive or negative response - before you attempt things. A tool for helping to interpret those small steps being in the correct direction and therefore worthy of repetitive behaviour on our part, or in a less helpful direction and an indicator for one to temporarily cease certain behaviours. (Caveat, MLC is a different animal and the LBS’ behaviours have a much smaller affect.)

Like the 4000 dollars. You asked H to add you to the account and then you’d help him. And it didn’t work. Negotiating with a MLCer is not like dealing with other folks. Logic and reason and such are not what they are interested in. You will have little success swaying a person in an emotional crisis with sound logical reasoned arguments and explanations. In fact, both of those - arguments and explanations, - they do not want to hear. They have their fantasy view of their world and will expend incredible energies to maintain it.

Successful negotiating with a MLCer requires finesse. One cannot come at it head on; a sideways approach works better. Realize fighting begets fighting. It’s about finding what a MLCer truly wants when they really don’t know themselves. Also, a MLCer has a default to be argumentative and go counter to whatever is suggested. So, let them suggest the resolution; and if it is reasonable you kind of begrudgingly accept it. Remember, everything for them is emotional. They have to feel they are getting whatever it is they feel that want. Logic and reason have little to nothing to do with it.

Ignoring him, being friendly, etc. Yes, all the advice and “rules” will at first appear counterintuitive. Realize, as I stated before, everything suggested is first and foremost for you. You are the most important person in your situation.

Going dark, or no contact, or dim, etc are all strategies for your mental and emotional health. They are not to force or affect or manipulate the MLCer to see reason or wake up or some such. Do not seek or attempt to manipulate H’s journey. You do not want that responsibility or consequences upon you.

Now, as a bonus, the hard earned advice you receive does more than support and steer you towards you own whole and healed future; it provides your best chance at a reconciliation. To be clear dear friend, a chance, not a guarantee. The guarantee is that you will become healed and happy, since you control you and that is completely within your wheelhouse; a restored R is a bonus. No need to loose faith or hope either, the rarity of reconciliation/marriage 2.0 has plenty of factors playing into that.

Originally Posted by Theia
I think it’s ok I asked him about golf. Maybe make a statement instead of question next time. That way he’s not required to respond, no pressure. “I hope golf went well for you today.”

Yep. Much like you would a moody teenager. H, a sullen teen, doesn’t want to respond to you. Or anyone. Lol. It pretty strange ain’t it?

Originally Posted by Theia
Practicality:
Am I actually ignoring him? Or am I being kind when I come in to contact with him? I ask because I’ve been advised to do both. This questions may seem silly but this just isn’t how we do here. Or did! This is foreign. I don’t know how to be this other person. I used to just BE with my husband.

These questions are not silly! I am glad you ask. Do share what you are struggling with or what you would like help or further information about.

Be kind. Be compassionate. Be better, not bitter.

Detach.

Become.

Be you.

By the way, I get it. It takes a while for one to find their center, to define themselves.

Originally Posted by Theia
He feared losing me. But then he found out that I knew and I didn’t leave him so my importance and esteem in his eyes decreased. I was willing to stay with him as he continued contact with his Limerence Object, his other woman who doesn’t care about him. He works with her, she’s on his team.

Yep. If the spouse knows you are on the shelf waiting, there is little reason or need for them to change course. And, that being said, the only person who’s course you can truly alter is your’s.

Originally Posted by Theia
If I am standing for my marriage what choice did I have but to accept there isn’t anything I can do about his relationship with LO/OW? Now H doesn’t care about me. Everything is backwards now. I hate it so much. I do realise it’s MLC H I am dealing with. That’s who is hurting me.

You have plenty of choice!

You have wisely realized you cannot do anything directly to alter H and OW’s relationship. You focus on you, Gal, dress well, eat properly, remain active and fit, and so on. All for you! You stand for you!

An interesting lesson I learnt: Feelings are fleeting.

All emotions come from within. All of them! Yes, external forces and people can and do provide external stimulus and triggers, and other times those stimuli and triggers come from internally. Yet, the actual emotion and feeling always is crafted from within. So regarding our pain and hurt - we hurt ourselves. That viewpoint is most freeing and detaching.

H is not hurting you. You are hurting you.

Bare with me here.

H is not that powerful. He cannot control your emotions. True, his actions and words can trigger an emotional response within you. However, you are reinforcing that feeling; otherwise it would flit and extinguish.

We all reinforce our emotions. Happy, in love, joyful, etc, are great examples of one keeping their feelings alive. Plenty of time our emotions are self enforcing, we create feedback loops. This feedback is wonderful for positive emotions; and not so wonderful for those negative feelings. Breaking that feedback is what finding detachment is about.

Originally Posted by Theia
Bank account:
When you say get access to all the marital assets. I don’t know how one does that. I can’t just go down to the bank by myself to ask to be added. H won’t add me. He doesn’t want his secrets exposed. The money he’s spent on OW, her family. I don’t think a court has the power to add me to a bank account. Once I get lawyers involved to do financial discoveries, disclose what’s happened to that bank account, H will retaliate. May start D proceedings. He won’t see me protecting myself. He’ll see me exposing him. He’s not being logical, like you said, it’s all emotional now. This is one of my fears, as you said, H knows my fears. I will go see a family law attorney week of 22nd. I need to know where I legally stand.

Good for you. Yes, talk to a lawyer and find out where you legally stand. If you can prove that those monies are martial assets, than a court would most likely grant you access. Of course your locale will have its own interpretation of your laws and situation.

If legally you do not have a right, or even if you do and could court force access, negotiating is an option. Seeking to discover what it is H wants, is fearful of, the “why” he is blocking things. Like I said, that takes some finesse.

Originally Posted by Theia
I read about your W taking things from your home to the OM house. When was this in your story? Did you live with her, living as married or roommates for awhile before this happened? How did you react? Both in the moment and internally.

I’ve openly shared my entire story. It is closing in on thirty threads though, so it is quite a read. smile

J, my XW, although I mostly do not think of her as my ex wife or call her that (except for clarity here) since she is not mine. Using “my XW” inspires and reinforces attachment-like thoughts and tendencies, which inspire and craft similar feelings. Attachment vs detachment idea.

Also, J is a person. She is her own self. She’s not “my” anything. And if she were to ever come back towards my life, I want it to be because she wants to. And likewise for me.

One of the questions I pondered during my commutes is when does someone cease being your ex and just starts being them.

Anyhow, J started taking things over to OM’s house the day after BD. Her “shopping” lasted a few days. During that time, the kids were straight-armed blocked from hugs with her. J literally stepped over crying kids laying/sitting on the floor in her path. An astounding behaviour to witness from one who was such a loving Mom and who had just prepared Thanksgiving Day supper and played so many family games mere hours previously.

J and I never lived as roommates. We were married, in my and everyone else’s view, until her announcement and exodus during T-Day supper in front of kids and parents and me.

My initial reaction was utter shock and disbelief. After around a day or so into this, my world collapsed. The destruction and wreckage was horrendous. It was unbelievable!

That statement - unbelievable - was completely accurate, and not serving of me. One’s mind is always listening, and what one says, their mind will make reality. For reality only exists in the mind.

So, me seeing and speaking of how my situation is unbelievable kept it so. I purposefully, consciously, and consistently utilized “I was dumbfounded” rather than unbelievable. Dumbfounded is the correct word.

I had to detach, go through withdrawal, plenty of pain, and learn and grow. Like I said earlier about pain and hurt: I hurt me more than J did. Yes, what she did was incredible hurtful, yet I kept that pain alive. I also gave myself a break, a lot was heaped upon me in short order. Lol.

I pretty much never was angry. I experienced all stages of grief, though anger was brief and mild. Depression was the longest stage for me. Well, except for acceptance, though that is the last stage and where one lives, so for timeline and duration I’m only speaking to the four - denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.

Depression was pretty dark and encompassing for around a year. The depression then slowly faded away over the next year or so. In total around two years of depression. Although, one does not only experience one stage at a time.

As one heals and moves towards acceptance, more and more things move out of denial and reveal themselves. One then starts to process their feelings regarding that new item; grieving and finding acceptance of that item. Eventually one’s situation - the accumulation of individual items - is grieved and accepted.

To be clear, even years later, something may, or most likely will, come up and one will grieve it. Perfectly normal and healthy. And far quicker from having such a plethora of “things” previously accepted. My new stirrings from my son’s wedding were among such. Not debilitating, not derailing, not even all that painful, more a melancholy longing for what once was. Rather easily let go of and accepted. There was a bit of anger, a bit of emotional bargaining (lol, still such a strange thing), and not much (or any) depression. Living though what I did, getting to where I am, letting go my fear, there ain’t much that’s going to drag me down to those depths again.

Originally Posted by Theia
I am struggling. Sad. Hurt. I have been regretting sending H that WhatsApp message. I went against my own rule to always sleep on emotionally driven texts, emails, phone calls before sending. I should not have brought up the past. His wounded ego can’t stand the reminders of what he’s done. Yes, everything I said was true but was it necessary to say?

It is a good idea to wait 24 to 48 (or more) hours before responding. Reacting emotionally oftentimes brings regrets. Even truthful statements may be better left unsaid, or said more eloquently and kinder.

Originally Posted by Theia
I should have just said We both know adding me to the bank account is the right and sensible thing to do. I’ve gone back & forth at whether to apologise or not.

Let sleeping dogs lay. No need to apologizing for this.

And when you apology for things, clearly apology for what you are apologizing for. In this case, I think you are not sorry about the truth; you are sorry for hurting his feelings. A good validating and sincere statement is “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Validates the others feelings, and expresses you being sorry for how they feel. Recall, you are not all powerful and do not make anyone feel any which way or another. You only trigger and influence, and therefore it is quite a good thing to acknowledge their feelings and not take responsibility for them. Of course, continue to be responsible for things you do and say and the fallout and benefit from such.

Originally Posted by Theia
These are my thoughts in my current mindset. … I am struggling to detach. Some days I’m better than others. I struggle to just live my life. I am working on a long application, not enjoying it. But it’s necessary for my future. I’ve not done much rise for myself besides reading, see bottom of post. This week has been bad emotionally. It’s not lost on me how normal my response would be if MLC we’re not involved. If we were a couple going through normal marital issues and I said to a therapist I am upset that my husband is ignoring me. I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m very sad. I’m worried. The therapist would say those are all normal responses. They wouldn’t say Why aren’t you detaching? I’m married. To have emotional responses to your spouses behaviour is normal. I’m not a freak. I’m just doing myself a disservice as I might be married but H doesn’t act like he is anymore. I know detaching is in my best interests. To preserve my emotional & physical health.

Having emotions and emotional responses is normal, married or not. Detachment is being able to experience those emotions without being dragged around by them.

Detachment and indifference often get mixed together. Personally, I like to keep them separate, for they are.

Detachment stops one from being uncontrollably dragged about by their emotions due to a trigger, event, or person. Uncontrollably. That’s the detachment part. Giving one control/influence over their emotions again. It’s regaining ownership over duration, strength, and somewhat what is triggered and felt.

Indifference is the muting or absence of emotions regarding a person, event, or trigger. This is a normal emotional stage. It does “feel” weird, truth be told. One is not used to not feeling things regarding their spouse. A caution regarding indifference is that it like all emotions (in this case lack thereof) is temporary/fleeting; feelings do return. Nature abhors a vacuum. During indifference, one’s other feelings will loom larger than they really are against the backdrop of the void of indifference. Stay the course and do not make rash leaps.

This quiet time when the antics and noise of our MLCer is basically nil, is a great time for our inner work. Finding those convictions and such. Becoming who we want to, and are meant to, be.

Originally Posted by Theia
My H has been MLC since 2015. That’s when he told me he started to feel bad. (His words) I see the decline in him from the very event he reports was the tipping point. This essentially means I lived with H being MLC for 6 1/2 years, 3yrs Limerence before I knew. Life was easier then but he wasn’t himself. How much longer would his crisis been if we’d carried on that way? H had done secretive things along the way that I’d missed. Lies about going to work when he was taking OW and her extended family to a safari park, etc. Earlier this year finally taking the big leap of flying 5,000 miles to see OW to convince her to care for him (didn’t work, she blanked him), lying to me telling me he is going to to that country to work. His lies we’re found out and now we are on a different trajectory, a different path. This path is not as pretty as the other path. That path was fake but I didn’t know it. This path is reality and it is not fun! It’s fraught with uncertainty, pain, disillusionment, fear.

(((Hugs)))

Yes, the real path is not a lot of fun. Getting through the bog and mire to the other side is such a slog. Yet, we do make it. The uncertainty, pain, disillusionment, and fear all understood and accepted along the way. We emerge from our crucible a true gemstone!

Originally Posted by Theia
Fear:
I am fearful that if H leaves he will never return to our home, our marriage. I am fearful if H does not leave he will stay stuck in his crisis. I am fearful I will find out things H has done financially that will devastate me.

Something you might find helpful:

Fear

Originally Posted by Theia
Also this: I’m not going to pretend anything. Detaching when your spouse lives at home is hard. Reading through hundreds of posts here I saw this exact wording typed out - Detaching when your MLC spouse lives at home is very difficult - was posted SO many times by seasoned frequent posters here that have replied to my thread so I am justifiably backed up that this sh*t is hard! I’m working on detaching, letting go. I’m going to guess that the response I’m going to get to my question as to how H would likely react, feel of me being away will be ‘You need to not care how he reacts.’

It certainly is difficult. No doubts there.

It’s ok to care about his response or reaction. That shows your character. Who you are. Your grace and light. Live in the light!

However, detach and not be dragged by how H reacts is all. Stand for you. Live for you. Become you.

Originally Posted by Theia
I text him & he’s like “Meh, whatever.” That’s the “ok” response - The MLC Script response: ‘Its all my wife’s fault that I am unhappy’ response. Or I don’t tell him at all and he still doesn’t care or he does and he wonders about me. Or he’s even more angry at me that I didn’t tell him. (Again I’m sure people will say Don’t even care what your H response is. Or isn’t!)

Not to be too nit picky, however it’s the details where the truth lay.

Your first part had predestined responses from posters as promoting “need not to care how he reacts”. Which is not true. That is about your response, and of course you care about your views.

The second part had you being sure we’d all again say “don’t even care what your H response is”. That is not the same as the first one. This is H’s response, not yours.

You definitely care about your response, and let go his.

I like clarity, as it is an excellent tool and strategy for detachment and many other parts of this journey. This last bit was a bit muddled is all, and hopefully some clarity helps sort out things and your feelings around it.

Originally Posted by Theia
Do we not want our MLC spouse to wonder, worry? H did that before. Wonder. Worry. My D & SIL reported H would sit in the lounge in complete darkness waiting for me to come home at night. Racing around the house looking for me. Desperate. Wanting to make me dinner. This was April, May, June of this year. He’s cycled hard repeatedly since. He’s now displaying a different person. A much less worried and less interested in me persona. MLC 🙄

Yes, we would like to have our MLCer wonder and worry and such. However, that is not our goal. Not the path of the LBS. We cannot fix our MLCer spouse, because we didn’t break them. So, we leave them to God and His wise hands and His wise timeline. Our intentions, as well meaning they are, usually prolong things for the person in turmoil.

Originally Posted by Theia
I’ve never had a roommate before. Do you tell your roommate if you are going to be gone the weekend? I know you tell your husband what you are doing.

Originally Posted by Theia
What I want to present to H is a strong Theia right? I am moving forward. Putting me first. So is that conveyed through sending a text to say I’m away this weekend. Be back Monday. Or is it saying nothing at all?

From my view, you are healed enough and sending a text would not send you spinning. Therefore you do not require no contact for your sanity. So, be a respectful roommate and let him know your plans. Not down the last detail by any stretch, just a general where and when you’ll be. Enough that say he could find you if there was some emergency or such.

I am glad to see you got away for a bit of a trip. Good for you.

Originally Posted by Theia
Sunday night I had a weird mental breakdown or break through, not sure what it was, but the floor came out of my world & I fell. I seriously wished I could just cease to exist. I missed my parents desperately and wanted to be where they are because I know it’s peace & love where they are. No more struggling. No more pain. No more rejection. No more trauma. Just love. A caring friend talked to me by PM. I eventually fell asleep. Monday when I woke I was still angry but was less emotional. I showered, put on my makeup & styled by hair, put on my cute holiday outfit, some lipstick & perfume. Then made sure I had everything & went down to breakfast. Each day the own/hosts chatted with me during breakfast. Lovely couple. I’d stay there again. Then we said our goodbyes and I set off, taking the costal route to the motorway, stopping for a bit at my favourite lookout by the sea where I talked to myself & God. I asked for help. To heal. To let H go. To be strong. To Go Dim, to not Pursue my H. To instinctively know what to do & say in every situation. To put myself first. To find Joy. And for my H to work through his MLC.

Yes, those breakthroughs are certainly interesting now when looking back. You explained it very well, the floor came out of my world. And yes, one falls. Then one gets up, dusts off, and moves forward again. Wiser and better. And that stronger and more healed, like you are praying to find.

God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes we think it is no. Oftentimes, we just misread the blessing we get. To become strong and healed, one has to persevere and overcome. God always provides what we need, even when we don’t want or see it that way. And He never gives more than one can handle.

Originally Posted by Theia
Also happening in my head and heart was a sense of I don’t care any more. Whatever he does he does. I have no control. I never did. I never will. He’s got to figure this out himself or be doomed to feeling as miserable as he does now until he dies. I felt both nothing and everything at once. Sadness and hope. It felt like a step forward.

A step towards indifference. And a few prayer answered, if I may be so bold.

Originally Posted by Theia
I’m doing my best to piece this together. To prioritise me. If anyone has lived through similar please do post. This girl can use your experience & support.

Continue as you are. Keeping putting you back together, strengthening those parts you love and aspire to, and discarding those that do not serve you.

I have lived through similar. Very well I believe.

Live in the light and let God. For nothing you do will affect H, and yet everything you do will.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard