Boundaries & My At Home MLC’er

[BL42]

Theia,

One of the key aspects of DB'ing is not arguing and not having relationship talks. You got caught up in exactly that yesterday with these exchanges. It seems you're trying to use logic to convince him on what is an emotional decision. Have you read up on listening and validation? Shorter responses without arguing or trying to convince him: E.g., "I'll have to think about that" or "That won't work for me".

Are you employed? And if so how much do you make relevant to H (less, more, the same)? Why don't you have access to marital bank accounts? Why would he ask for £4,000 to cover taxes, is that a typical arrangement for you two in previous years? You already paid him £8,450 for taxes a month ago?

I completely agree w/kml on protecting your finances. Not sure about where you are, but most places in the US would consider his income marital assets, and in many places if he's spending significant money on an AP you may be entitled to recoup that money. You should consult an L and know where you stand, and how to best protect yourself.

[Theia]

BL42, I didn’t approach my H, he approached me. You’d have me do what to avoid this specific relationship talk? Pretend I didn’t hear him? Walk away from him? Get in my car and drive away? Just hand over the £4,000? There was no way “That doesn’t work for me.” Or “I’ll think about it.” was going to satisfy him. H was on edge, he was insistent. I was either going to transfer the money or I was going to get Monstered. Relationship talk or no relationship talk the outcome the same.

My boundary remains the same. I am not comfortable not knowing what is happening with our money. In January it was a £8,450 tax bill he asked me to pay. Now it’s a £4,000 tax bill. What’s next? And no, he’s never not been able to pay his tax bill before. Clearly something is wrong.

I have my own bank accounts, credit. But this isn’t a my money, his money thing. Family bills go through the family account. My bank account was set up because every woman should have their own bank account. My Trust money, small bits, gets filtered through my account. Thankfully I found out about OW & her family, my H’s apparent generosity towards them before I transferred my money. It remains safe elsewhere. If there had been no OW, no India, no concerning money behaviour and H asked for my help Of course! It’s OUR money. But he has been up to shady business so I have to protect my inheritance. The Trust Attorney & Trust CPA are aware, they keep me informed of the law, what I need to do to protect my inheritance.

As to why I am not on the family bank account, well, I am American, I came to the UK 20 years ago. When I arrived we went to the bank to add me but the bank said no because I didn’t have the credentials. Hadn’t been at the address long enough, didn’t have any utility bills in my name at the time. We just let it go. I didn’t worry about it. I’ve always been able to make purchases from the account. I just never looked at the account. I trusted H. He used to be wonderful.

It appears I will need to get legal help. 😩

~ Theia

[BL42]

Theia,

BL42, I didn’t approach my H, he approached me. You’d have me do what to avoid this specific relationship talk? Pretend I didn’t hear him? Walk away from him? Get in my car and drive away? Just hand over the £4,000? There was no way “That doesn’t work for me.” Or “I’ll think about it.” was going to satisfy him. H was on edge, he was insistent. I was either going to transfer the money or I was going to get Monstered. Relationship talk or no relationship talk the outcome the same.

I'm sure you're going through a lot - these situations are so tough - but your response just now to my post comes off as defensive and a bit passive aggressive.

I would not recommend you pretending you didn't hear him or by walking away, and I'm certainly not suggesting you hand over the £4,000.

However, I also would not have recommended you send that long-winded WhatsApp message to him either. What I see in your verbal conversation with him and your WhatsApp message is you debating him on finances (Amazon & Ebay purchases for Christmas), pressuring about OW/India family, trying to use reason and logic with him about the R & MLC (Limerence, family death...etc.), trying to counter his complaint about giving space by explaining you're coming with medicine and OJ...etc., etc.

Instead of countering his claims, what would happen if you just listened and validated and did not engage in arguments and debate?

Regardless of who initiated, don't argue/debate/reason/logic your way out of the situation. Listen to him and validate his concerns and be brief in your answers. When he asks for money why would "That won't work for me" or "I'll have to think about that" not work?

My boundary remains the same. I am not comfortable not knowing what is happening with our money.

Not sure that's really a boundary. How do you plan to enforce it?

In January it was a £8,450 tax bill he asked me to pay. Now it’s a £4,000 tax bill. What’s next? And no, he’s never not been able to pay his tax bill before. Clearly something is wrong.

Not sure what the tax schedule is in the UK but in the US it's annual (unless you're self employed and pay quarterly). Why would he owe a big chunk of taxes in January and then again in the Summer? Does that make sense? I definitely would not hand him the £4,000.

But he has been up to shady business so I have to protect my inheritance.

Completely agreed. From here on out you look at it like a business deal.

The Trust Attorney & Trust CPA are aware, they keep me informed of the law, what I need to do to protect my inheritance.

Good! Rely on their expertise to protect yourself!

It appears I will need to get legal help. 😩

We recommend consulting with a lawyer to almost everyone here. You don't have to act on any legal proceedings, but knowing your rights is very important. Knowledge = power.

[Theia]

BL42,

Sorry missed these two questions. No it wasn’t a month ago. The £8,450 was end of January. £4,000 5th August. 6 months apart.

H wanted action, Money. This wasn’t a situation where I could listen and validate. “I hear you. I understand. That must be difficult.” That would have led to Monstering: “Are you giving me the money or not? See, I knew you weren’t really committed. You aren’t really my partner.” etc. Unless I gave him the money, No matter what I would have done, said, reacted, not reacted, ran, would have had the same conclusion: Monstering.

My response isn’t for him, it’s for me. To state my boundary. I don’t expect he will change, or see the light or give me access to the bank account. He needs to not expect I will breach my boundary. I’m sure I’ve got a lot to learn but I’ve also done really well for someone who’s only had this long to deal with her entire marriage being turned completely upside down. I give myself grace. 🙏🏻

If you read other posts you will see how hard I try to keep our home calm. Like everyone I’ve made the mistake of initiating relationship talks in the past. Yuk! 🤮 H lives here, usually works here. Is here all the time, except for 3 hours a day 4 to 5 days a week when he golfs. That’s a LOT of time together with your MLC spouse. H & I do talk. Small talk about family, schedules, golf, grocery shopping, dinner. I purposefully keep it light. It feels so fake. It seemed H wanted it this way, pretend marriage. Or maybe he was doing it to butter me up to ask for money. I dunno. I’ll likely never know. Just thoughts.

I’ve experienced years of crisis, back to back. I just arrived home late October from a huge crisis 10,000 miles from home after being gone for 15 months. I just wanted peace. Family. My own bed. My husband. I was greeted with this crap that had been stewing for years undetected by me. My H had been betraying me with his EA but because I’d been dealing with crisis and his AP was not reciprocal the situation glided just below the surface. Until India early this year.

He read the message middle of the night, has not responded. I don’t expect he will. In the past when he’s Monstered he has acted sheepish after. I won’t expect that either. I won’t expect anything. I only mention it as curious, let’s see what he does, if anything. I have a difficult sister with a severe personality disorder. 30 years ago I let her go. Stopped having any expectations of her and it freed me. So I have some experience, though this will be much more complex.

Well at least when my daughter & grandsons leave for the Zoo the house will be quiet today. More work to do in granddaughters room and I think a Subway sandwich after I’ve met todays 1/2 goal, then getting the other 1/2 done this afternoon. Then a bike ride this evening. Maybe a Margarita.

~ Theia

[Theia]

BL42,

Apologies for sounding defensive. It’s been a difficult day. The seemingly constant “should have’s” that we LBS are expected to do in the midst of dealing with in your face trauma is too much. Sometimes you do the best you can do and you just keep moving forward. We all need to give ourselves grace. 🙏🏻

The UK tax schedule for self-employed is broken up, 6 months apart, if you wish. You can pay at once. In the past H has just taken care of his tax situation, not involved me. I don’t know why it’s different this year. I don’t ask questions. I can speculate based on his behaviour to not allow me access to the bank account, something is not right.

Most of the time I do just validate. People want to be heard. Tough day at work, validate. Crappy golf game, validate. Unhappy with something one of our grandsons have done, validate. Unhappy with something I’ve done, validate. Unhappy with the state of our granddaughters room, validate & do something about it. I do work to make sure H is heard. But I also matter. I have spoken up for myself on a few occasions. The occasional truth dart. H usually responds favourably in time. (I told him it was hurtful that he speaks to OW nicer than he does me. A few days later he was speaking to me nicer.) We don’t have a lot of conversations like yesterdays. Late June last time. I could have let the drugs comment go. I guess as you don’t live here so don’t know how infrequent todays exchange was. I’m guessing you I think this is how it is all the time. It’s not. At his suggestion H and I went away for the weekend last weekend. He was horrible to me. 3 hours of ugly comments while he was golfing, I was driving the golf cart, and other times during the weekend. I couldn’t do anything right. I had on dark sunglasses that hid my tears but I didn’t react. I’m a frickin Rock Star! 🎸🤩 Laura Doyle would have had me say Ouch! when he hurt me but had I done that anyone listening would have thought I was being repeatedly pinched.

Let’s look at what he said re eBay, Amazon, his deflecting. So I validate him to say That must be difficult. Or I understand your concern. H replies, Ok then if you understand then you obviously agree that the bank account is overdrawn because of you So why don’t you give me the money? Because that’s how it would go. 🤨

Whether he understands or not the reasons I’m not giving him the money are laid out in my long-winded WhatsApp message. Like I said, it’s not for him, it’s for me. Nothing I do can help his MLC. That balls in his court. Also in his court are repercussions to his actions.

As for how I’m going to reinforce my boundary? Well seeing as my boundary is No money from me until I have reassurance as to our financial situation, which requires adding me to the bank account. Then not giving him money is me reinforcing my boundary. I can’t make him add me. But I can ask the court to make the bank records available to me. That would be ugly and I’ve been trying so hard for things to not be ugly. I seek calm. I wish he would just rip the band-aid off, let me in, leave me with it, I get angry, I get upset, I give myself time, I deal with it, whatever it is. But I’m guessing he’s not ready to stop whatever IT is that is depleting our money. Maybe he’s paying her rent. Maybe he’s sending her flowers every month. Maybe he’s giving her cash. Maybe he bought her a car. Anyone who tells themselves they wouldn’t have thoughts running through their heads of the worst case scenario I assure you that you would. It’s human. In this entire process I’ve not once raised my voice, I’ve remained calm. I’ve not spoken over him. I’ve waited fir him to finish speaking. I’ve validated and taken hits like a champion boxer. 🥊🥊 But I did get emotional and cry twice I think. Not yesterday, awhile back. I’m not happy that I did that, I felt weak. Laura Doyle says to be vulnerable with your husband, but I don’t think that applies to MLC husbands. MLC spouses use it against you. I miss my real husband. He was safe to be vulnerable with.

I consulted with a solicitor, as they are called here, early March. We discussed the situation as I knew it then. She helped with some legal stuff regarding the house. I didn’t really like her so I’ll need to find someone new. I know more now.

I gotta get on with work now. Have a great day! ☀️

~ Theia

[Elbereth]

Hi Theia,

I also had a long period of stress prior to the discovery of my XH AP. It is really hard going through all of this when you are already emotionally and physically exhausted. But, it sounds like you are doing many of the right things to move forward. I do have some suggestions for you, and hope that they help you or give you some more ideas.

H wanted action, Money. This wasn’t a situation where I could listen and validate. “I hear you. I understand. That must be difficult.” That would have led to Monstering: “Are you giving me the money or not? See, I knew you weren’t really committed. You aren’t really my partner.” etc. Unless I gave him the money, No matter what I would have done, said, reacted, not reacted, ran, would have had the same conclusion: Monstering.

What is hard to understand with an MLC spouse is that they are going to monster regardless of what you do. In many ways, it’s like dealing with a child. They will throw a tantrum if they are not getting their way. You can remain calm and not engage, or you can engage and tell them to stop. Regardless they will continue to tantrum because they will do and say anything to try to get their way. But…if you do not engage and remain calm, it can ‘starve’ them of some of the fuel. Also, not engaging but validating is for you. It’s not to try to prevent them from monstering. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control yours. So by not engaging/arguing and by simply validating, you take away most of the fuel. You can further protect yourself by leaving the room. Your engaging (or writing the letter) may seem like its helping you feel better, but I’d argue that it’s keeping you longer in the stress of the moment than you would have been if you detached and went and did something that helped you to feel better. You need to provide the calm you seek for yourself. Your MLC’er will not.

I know it’s hard to do…and it’s hard to not express yourself when confronted. I struggled with this as well. But, what I came to realize is that I couldn’t be logical with someone who isn’t being logical. And, after a while, I also realized that I really wasn’t heard anyway. Because the MLC’er is lost in their own heads. They only care about what they need and want. They don’t really care what you have to say. So I found that using that energy for my own self care was a way to help with my stress. Once I stopped engaging, I felt so much better. And more in control of my own path.

Yes, you live in the same house and that is going to make it very hard to find calm and peace if your H is monstering all of the time. What you can do is to make time for yourself away from the house. Spend as much time away as you can doing things that bring you joy or provide the calm you seek. And when at home, spend time in separate rooms.

As you mentioned, your thread may not provide all the details about how often these stressors are occurring and also may not show all the things you are doing right. So, I don’t want to sound like I’m giving you a hard time. But what you did provide expresses a lot of engagement, relationship talks, and other actions that are not going to help your situation. Have you read the DB books? I see you also followed Laura Doyle. I read her books as well. But I found that her approaches do not work as well with an MLC spouse.

Truth is, the MLC spouse that is still in replay sees the LBS in a very negative way. They are projecting everything that is wrong on you to justify what they are doing and to justify their selfishness. You cannot reason with crazy or with someone who doesn’t care what you feel. So, DBing is about detaching and putting the focus on yourself. You mention you are doing this a lot, but your posts so far show mostly how your have been trying to reason with your H or express your anger towards him. Sure, it will happen that we will mess up…and that is okay. Just get back onto the horse and keep moving forward and try again. This is his journey and you have to let him move through it. He may never come out of it or end the AF. You can be the lighthouse and stand for him while putting your focus on yourself and your needs while validating his experience. And yes, give yourself grace. This is an awful and painful journey. I’m sorry it happening to you.

El

[Theia]

Hi El,

Thank you for your post. Before last nights incident, My prior post was asking how to co-exist in the house when H seems to want to play pretend marriage. He sends texts telling me he’s leaving work or the golf course. Going to the market, did I want anything in particular. What would I like to eat for dinner? What are we doing for this event? (Birthday, 4th of July, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a grandchild's school musical) In this way it’s much like we were pre-MLC. So these interactions, texts, having dinner together that H implements, are these considered relationship talks? Am I supposed to not include him in family events? No I’ve not read the DB book. Looks like I better get it asap as I am so confused. I’ve not come across anyone with a situation like ours. I am struggling.

So he’s choosing to be an engaged member of our household. But then there’s him being MLC: Telling me he wants to cake eat, me at home, OW in his ear at work.

There are 4 grandchildren that live here, 3 1/2yo twin boys, 7 1/2 yo boy. 14yo girl. I struggle not cooperating with my H as I don’t want to have a house of Monstering so I am engaging with him daily. Not like last night but calmly sitting at the dinner table eating dinner. Him talking about golf. Us talking about what’s happening in the house that week. And the tense subject of H telling me he’s going in to work. Which I strive not to respond to.

I think what I’m saying is I struggle to implement. I guess I want my cake too. My cake is I want peace in my home and to disengage from MLC H but worry there won’t be peace if I disengage. I feel responsible for making sure the house stays calm. That our grandsons & granddaughter don’t experience Monstering. Anyone experience similar dynamic? Will the MLC’er adapt and accept this new dynamic and chill basically? Ok not chill. I know MLC’ers have no chill. I know we can’t control them or predict. No expectations. I am just trying to wrap my head around what things would look like. I worry about making a mistake that will negatively affect the peace in a house with small children. Of course after last nights Monstering things may be different now anyway. H may be disengaging from me, from our family anyway. Or that might have just been a Monster and back to our usual programming.

Yes I leave the house to do things I enjoy. I ride my bike. I sit in nature. I like seashores. I have dinner with my bff. I go for drives. I like to listen to podcasts for my healing. I have zoom sessions with my therapist in my car. I’m in my car so often my family call my car my Office. lol!

I’ll order the DB book and take it from there. Thank you.
Is there a specific book for MLC?

~ Theia

[Elbereth]

Hello Theia,

I think what I’m saying is I struggle to implement. I guess I want my cake too. My cake is I want peace in my home and to disengage from MLC H but worry there won’t be peace if I disengage. I feel responsible for making sure the house stays calm. That our grandsons & granddaughter don’t experience Monstering.

I can relate to how you feel this way. I felt this way about my relationship and XH as well. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and that there was nothing I could do right. So I felt worse. Like I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't doing enough. The truth was there in front of me, but it took a long time for me to see it. I was never going to do enough. This is because his behavior is his responsibility. The truth is that you can be nice and play house or you can disengage, and either way if he wants to monster he will. And he may not care if the grandchildren hear/see it. At its most basic, these monstering behaviors are selfish and self-centered behaviors. They are responding to their own pain, which overrides anything else.

I understand wanting to protect your grandchildren. I don't recall you mentioning whether their parent(s) also live in the house. Are the children under your responsibility and care or are they just visiting? Are they able to stay elsewhere during periods where your H is acting out? I'm not suggesting any of these things, I'm just trying to understand your situation and its complexity.

I 'played house' with my XH for about six months while he was actively involved in his EA. We slept in separate rooms but shared meals and I did the laundry because I'm protective of my clothes. To make things more 'roommate' like he was also responsible for making dinners sometimes and such. I avoided most conversations but was civil and not overly friendly when we did discuss necessities. It felt like old times in many ways. But overall, our relations became closer to roommates than partners.

If you continue to play the role of wife, letting H sleep in a shared bed, making him dinner, and catering to his needs and moods, then you are enabling his cake eating. Why should he end his affair? What are the consequences or boundaries around what is fair to you? How is feeling this overwhelming responsibility or walking on eggshells good for you? What is fair to your grandchildren? They see and absorb more than you think. You are right, it's not an easy walk. You want to stand for your marriage, but part of that could be that he can't have both you and the AP. The key is to stop being there for him to confide in about life and such, stop doing things for him, and stop sharing a bed with him, and other wifely things. You can't nice him back (to provide the quote said to me on this forum). And being nice is no incentive for him to end his AF. He gets the best of both worlds with no consequences!

What you can do is share responsibilities with meals, laundry, and the grandkids equally. Be friendly but not warm in your interactions, stop being his confidant (keep conversations around necessities and nothing deep), avoid ALL relationship talks, and stop doing anything extra for him or to make him more comfortable. Go out and live your life without including him as much as possible. Be a roommate, not a wife or friend. If he doesn't already know that he can't have you and this OW at the same time, make that clear, then set your boundaries with consequences. If he monsters and misbehaves, then you may need to establish stronger boundaries, such as he may need to leave. From everything I have read, standing for your marriage is not putting up with the AF, and/or standing by playing wife while waiting for them to end it. It's letting H know that he can't have both, dropping the rope, and waiting to see if H returns to you. I stood for a while for my MR. But my XH did not end his affair and I also moved forward with D to protect my finances. And honestly, after detaching, I realized that I no longer want the MR I had...that most of it was centered around his needs even long before the AF. I deserve better. But I couldn't see any of that until I detached. It's only after you detach can you really stand for yourself and decisions become less tied to emotions and trauma.

I'm not familiar with a specific book about MLC. I found Hearts Blessing's articles helpful. I focused more on books that would support my own journey instead. The truth is you can only modify or influence your behavior. There is no magic bullet to help him snap out of what he is going through. Your focus should be on your life and your health and things you can control. Everything he does is not your responsibility or fault. These are decisions and choices he is making.

((hugs))

El

[Theia]

Hi El,

Without reading all of my posts here, and there isn’t a lot, it’s just late, I don’t know if I’ve stated already that I don’t do any wifely duties for him. I don’t do his laundry, I don’t clean his space, we take turns cooking, and we no longer share a bed. Yes we do, or did, as of 2 days ago, eat dinner together and we do, or did as of 2 days ago, communicate about family stuff, schedules. We have had some relationship talks, some initiated by him, some by me, because I am human and I am learning. I do my best to avoid. I am calm. Patient, I do my PIES. I’m trying to navigate these treacherous waters living with a MLC’er that thinks his amazing loyal loving wife is dog 💩 but the con artist using manipulative OW was sent by God. 🙄 I moved H to the guest room downstairs 5 weeks ago after he was disrespectful to me in our bedroom, motioning for me to leave the room, saying “work call” in such a way that was clearly ordering me out of my own bedroom. H was, of course, taking to the OW, whom he works with long distance, reassuring her that he wouid help her. Saying he would “Go in to the office the next day, get a desk away from everyone, stay late if she wished.” Just stupid. 🙄 So when he was at work the next day I moved him from our room to the guest room downstairs. He Monstered. Threatened D. I stayed firm. He understands my boundaries. He knows OW must GO! He’s asked me for time. He’s said 3 mos, 6 mos. He’s also talked about the company restructuring and announcing in September. He says they might go a different direction, new managing company, the group from India might not be continued (that’s her group). He says she might quit. He’s under contract. If he asks she be taken off his team mid-project that’s a red flag. Same if he asks to be moved. And at almost 64 his job prospects are drying up. He’s retiring in 2 years or less. Considering the financial situation he cannot be without a job. He’s currently on a project that he says is due to end in October. At that point the teams can be changed. Lots of “He says” that basically means wait. Means more time for him to not have to act. Most likely hoping I’ll agree to let him cake eat. (I won’t) But the part of all this that needs to be taken very seriously is the history the OW has of accusing co-workers of sexual harassment. H was warned by a couple-worker that she’s done this twice, getting them fired. Of course H says she wouldn’t do that to me. #Idiot! The latest thing to happen, this £4,000 tax bill situation, the financial situation he is in, we are in, that wasn’t there for years so what has changed that? Well, it seems his Limerence with his co-worker from India has. That he won’t add me to the bank account, but wants me to give him money for taxes. Yeah, NO. Not happening. He’s hiding things. Is he paying her rent? Has he bought her a car? Giving her money? He’s SO stupid. He’s screwed up our finances bad. He’s loosing his wife, loosing his marriage, over a woman who won’t even tell him how to make ginger tea. She told him to go to YouTube. True story. Just to clarify, OW does nothing for him. Not. A. Thing. No sexual relationship. No relationship at all outside of work. She contacts him, he can’t contact her. She called him embarrassing in a WhatsApp message. I’ve read all the messages. I know what she’s about, how she manipulates, what a blind man he is. Telling me he was going for work, which was a lie, H flew to India Feb this year in blind hope to convince OW to have a relationship with him, she blanked him, only seeing him 3x, each in a large group with her extended family & her fiancé! She wouldn’t even stand next to him in a photo. And for this my H is blowing up his life. OUR life. This is his mess. He needs to sort it. The clock is ticking. ⏰ As it stands now we are roommates. Have been since I returned from America. I just didn’t realise it. I’ve looked into the stories of those who’s spouses have returned to the marriage to see if there are any similarities. Boundaries are one. But so is kindness. Not pushover. But kindness. I am hoping H being more emotionally distant from me will help me to detach better.

Our 14 granddaughter lives here at times, comes & goes, has her own room, has since a newborn. She shuffles back & forth between our house & her Dads house 1/4 mile away. She grew up in this house. Her 4 bff’s live in the neighbourhood. At 14 it’s ALL about your friends. So she’s here daily. She & I are very close. She has a crap mother that prioritises men over her children. Her Dad has full custody. The grandsons parents live here too. I’m not going to get into their situation or open it for discussion, too complicated. I don’t know if things would improve or get worse if our daughter & her family were not living here. It is nuts, loud, chaotic having 3 little bits here. In a way they are a buffer. Living with a crazy MLC’er is lonely and unstable at times. But other times I wonder if I would do better if they were not around all the time, if H would do better if they weren’t around. Quieter in the house. My H and I have actually never lived just on our own. I had teenagers when we married. I was actually looking forward to it. Retiring, moving to our little house by the sea. Just the two of us. I really wanted that. Was really looking forward to it. This was pre-MLC of course. That is not this situation, I am fully aware. I will not be moving to the seaside with my MLC H, specially if he’s still in contact with OW. Not. A. Chance.

I hope this clarifies things.

For me, I have surgeries happening later this year & next. That’s my focus. Getting myself prepared for surgery. I’m slowly getting work done on the house and clearing it. One way or another we’ll be out of here in 2 years time.

Quick update because people seem to think that even though there are weeks or months between incidents with my MLC’er that I talk about here - (seems people would talk about the crazy crap, isn’t that the stuff people need support with, not the boring fault stuff? 🤷🏼‍♀️) - that it must be happening all the time, I must be negatively engaging with my MLC’er all the time. (Even though I say repeatedly that I strive, and I mean strive, for calm. 🤨) So for clarity here’s the two days since. The boring two days since. Do people really post their boring days?

So yesterday, Friday 5th. No contact with H. He went into work early, came home late as it appears he’d gone to golf after work, wearing golf shirt. Came in, went directly in to his room downstairs. I said nothing. He said nothing. I noticed he left one of the French doors to his room about 8” ajar. In the past he’s done this to indicate he wants communication, contact, but I wasn’t biting. Could be a trap. For dinner I grabbed my Greek yogurt & frozen cherries and headed up to my room. For my PIES I danced a bit. I listened to happy music as I cleaned my granddaughters room. I sat in the garden. I emailed my therapist & got a really supportive email back. I messaged a couple LBS friends.

Saturday 6th: No contact with H. I did laundry, granddaughter had a ton in her room. I didn’t see H leave but he did sometime around noon. I went for a drive and had a Zoom session with my therapist. She’s awesome! I hit my fave UK store HomeSense to get some things for granddaughters room. Did more laundry when I got back. H arrived home at 6:30pm, assuming golf as another golf shirt. Went directly in his room. Awhile later 7yo grandson asked H if he wanted to watch a movie? H said Yes. That was nice. I ate alone tonight, chili, while starting a series. (I’m not sure I’ll continue. Not sure it’s worth my time.) PIES today was my long drive, my Zoom session with my therapist, retail therapy (bought a blue & metallic gold blown glass pumpkin, I gave a small collection. Todays is the largest one I have so far). I had a Margarita. 🍹🧂🍋


~ Theia

[Theia]

Missed another typo. This one annoys me. lol. Meant to type “Boring DAILY stuff”, not boring fault stuff. 🙄 Why does this forum give such a short time to correct mistakes? 🤨