HELP! Late withdrawal help clarification

[Cadet]

Now that you're off moderation, instead of waiting a month or two try to post regularly

Just to clarify - the request to be off moderation is in place and it is now up to the administrator.

Michele is the only administrator at this time.

So everyone keep there fingers and toes crossed and hopefully it will all go smoothly.


Edit - OK she just let me know the release is completed - YAY!

[BL42]

I know he still loves me. I feel his love. He's having an affair with someone on his job. He's had other affairs.

This isn’t love, honey. You deserve better. Ask yourself why you think a guy who cheats on you repeatedly is the partner you want?

One thing I don't think I'll ever forget...I called up our MC after my now-ExW admitted the affair and said she wanted a divorce (only the 3rd session we had) and she said to me: "You should think about what it is about you that you'd want to be with someone who betrayed you." That really stuck with me.

We are waiting for the judge to make her decision then it is a wrap.

What is there to decide? Just the amount of alimony? That should be straightforward I'd imagine, no? It's usually a formula in the law. Is there a lot to disagree on? You said no kids and no marital property?

I tried as long as i can in hopes he will come out. He has not, yet.

It's time to let go. You're trying to hold on as much as possible, but you can't control it. Only letting go will give you freedom.

We, my dogs and I, have to move out soon. This is his house. My heart aches.

That's hard. Sorry.

actually his family is pressuring him to do things that will drive me out.

He and his family has done things to provoke me.

In most of these cases family sticks together regardless of who's the bad party but often feel at least sympathetic to the other person. Why do you think his family is so against you?

I feel so alone as ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING THROUGH THIS IN SOME FORM. I have no one to lean on to heal or feel safe.

I am all alone in this valley. I have no one to turn to. NO ONE.

I don't understand. Are you saying everyone you know is going through a divorce?

I have done no contact. When he moved out I did not beg, follow or search him out. I do not reach out to him.

Good.

I wrote him 4 letters that told my hurt over the time that all of this started and that is it.

You've said your peace. Now it's time to let go and move forward.

I feel lost! My dad and uncles passed. I lost my husband and now i lost the one person who had my back since my 20s. I feel lost! I feel scared!

That's a lot. Sorry Samoy. Hang in there.

I do not know if OW is still around. I think he was messing up at work and he was or still is placed on suspension, working or put to the side.

The summer is his time to shine at his job. He runs the conventions. He was not in ONE picture at any of the conventions. He is usually present. I realized that his work phone has been radio silent this entire year. NOT usual.

LOTS of focus here on H's work and speculation on his job performance and OW. It's hard, but try to ignore it - that's his problem now. Focus on you.

His last convention, OW's been traveling with him. He added her to one of his cards. He rips up his bills and throws them away in the garbage. I saw their vacays.

If he's using martial funds to pay for vacations with OW in many places you can recoup that money as part of the divorce. Did you save records and inform your attorney???

I believe something happened at that convention. I think someone pulled his coat/card HARD. He ran to the backyard to take a call after that person called 3-4 times.

He was home for an entire week! a few weeks ago then 4 days this week. He took one zoom call. His work phone is still silent. It used to RING AALL THE TIME.

His boss and others, his "best friend/work wife" even have him at arm's length. They were attached at the hip. He helped her get a promotion that sent her flying and now he is nowhere near her.

It appears she's left him or separated herself from him because of whatever is going on or went on.

OW works in his company in a subordinate role.

I saw one picture of them and she was seated with the power brokers in the company with people around them. My husband who used to sit with those people was AT THE EDGE of the picture. FAR AWAY FROM HER.

So something is going on at work and something happened at that convention that made him run home to hide.

Again, lots of focus on HIM and his employment and OW. What about you?

He also did not pay all of his part of the court fees. That is not like him. He's on it.

That's his problem now. Not yours. "Not your monkey, not your circus."

we are married 13 years. We are at the end. We do not have kids, or joint property only alimony.

Wouldn't any funds (checking, savings, 401k, IRA, house equity...etc) be martial property? Hope you're working with a lawyer to get what you're entitled to?

I am hoping he pops out. I sense he trying. He's sparking here and there.

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. He's most likely not going to all of a sudden change on a dime. Think LONG TERM, if at all.

The people who are pulling to keep us apart are pressuring him to end this already. they are scared he'll back out and reconcile.

If he's the one having affairs, why do you think they're scared he'll reconcile? What is your part in the demise of the marriage?

I do not know. When I see this month's credit card, I will know, if he opens it. He didn't open last month's bill. The only bill. He gave her a card.

Something happened/went down at his last convention that sent him running home. I do not know.

Again, if your H is spending money on vacations or gifts or giving OW a credit card there's a good chance you can recoup that money in the divorce. Your incomes and retirement accounts are typically marital property. Make sure your L is well aware of what's going on and has documentation to support it. I trust you're working with an L???

[Samoy]

Hi BL42

some of those posts were responding to other posts. I didn't reply the correct way. I didn't reply to the person. I responded all this weekend when I was able to find my thread.

[Samoy]

BL42 and anyone else

I have been focused on myself in the middle of the storm. Lost 30 pounds, became healthier, started a business, almost landed a better job, still hunting, praying, and going out with new friends. Making new friends. Not dating yet.

I don't know where he is, what he's doing. I know who because he left breadcrumbs. I didn't bite. Even before I knew about MLC. I knew something was off and it wasn't because of solely because of me.


I know he's in MLC, however, I am here hoping to find out where he is in this MLC journey, I believe he's in late withdrawal.

I heard in late withdrawal they ramp up the push towards the end of withdrawal. I think that is where he is. What are other signs of late withdrawal?

I don't want to be specific because anyone can find these posts and he/they will know who i am.

[BL42]

Samoy,

I have been focused on myself in the middle of the storm. Lost 30 pounds, became healthier, started a business, almost landed a better job, still hunting, praying, and going out with new friends. Making new friends.

Awesome! All good stuff. Keep it up!

If you've read a bunch of stories around here you'll recognize it's incredibly common to lose 20-30lbs during this time but then come back on after time. If you haven't already, get into a healthy eating and exercise routine to ensure you don't revert.

Not dating yet.

Good. You're almost certainly not ready. Wait a good while until you heal and improve yourself.

I know he's in MLC, however, I am here hoping to find out where he is in this MLC journey, I believe he's in late withdrawal.

I heard in late withdrawal they ramp up the push towards the end of withdrawal. I think that is where he is. What are other signs of late withdrawal?

I wouldn't spend time analyzing your husband and worrying about what stage he's in and what the turn around time is for change. Think LONG term. "It's a marathon not a sprint". It doesn't matter how you label him. It's his journey and you can't change it. Let him go, focus on yourself, and maybe he'll come back in the future.


I asked a bunch of questions above; your answers don't need to be specific enough that others would identify you:

Are you working with a L?
What are the unresolved items still at issue in the divorce?
Are you in IC?
Why do you think his side is sabotaging your marriage and don't want him to reconcile with you?
What was your contribution to the demise of the marriage?
What areas do you need to work on in relationships?

[Ready2Change]

Hi Samoy,

Sorry you find yourself here and going through this process. The good news is it is a great place for support. We have all be through our own hell, but have come out the other side better and stronger versions of our previous selves.

If you get a chance, read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2923056#Post2923056


I wish you well during this most difficult time of your life.

Keep posting here and we will give you the support you need.

HUGS

[Samoy]

Hi BL42,

I don't know how to reply like you did. Here goes.

I wouldn't spend time analyzing your husband and worrying about what stage he's in and what the turn around time is for change. Think LONG term. "It's a marathon not a sprint". It doesn't matter how you label him. It's his journey and you can't change it. Let him go, focus on yourself, and maybe he'll come back in the future.


I asked a bunch of questions above; your answers don't need to be specific enough that others would identify you:

Are you working with a L?
What are the unresolved items still at issue in the divorce?
Are you in IC?
Why do you think his side is sabotaging your marriage and don't want him to reconcile with you?
What was your contribution to the demise of the marriage?
What areas do you need to work on in relationships?


The D is in the lawyer's hands. Almost done. No lawyer. No kids. Spousal support.
Not sure what IC is.
They destroyed his first marriage. A bunch of toxic feminity. A few women who see my h as their husband and anyone who he loves is a threat to their "marriage." The sister did something really sick that showed me that she is his "real" wife. Her plan is for him and her to live together eventually.

If I say exactly what, then they will know. She ended her relationship with her boyfriend because she put my h above him. NUTS. I can go on.

My contribution was my communication skills SUCKED! I also didn't have my finances together. I kept my mouth shut when I saw messiness with his world that would jeopardize us and him.

I am a better communicator. I am learning how to effectively use "I, You, and We/us" well. I put up boundaries to the foolery and shenanigans and he flipped out over the advice from the coven fully threw him into MLC.

My finances are getting better.

My desire is to understand MORE about what's going on with my H. I was angry at him for a long time. When I found out about MLC, empathy set in. I have empathy, with boundaries.

I am working on and focusing on myself. From the start, I knew this was something about him before I knew about MLC.

I believe he's in Late Withdrawal. He changed his pattern. He's been gone for over 2 weeks. This is unusual for him. He was almost nonexistent at work, coasting and making mistakes. I saw in step up in a video at work to engage with his peers. He was almost on the fringe of work culture.

I almost thought he was on suspension for over a year, he was almost extinct with connecting with functions that were the norm.

I saw him re-engage recently, it was a struggle. I saw it.

After our trial, he monstered me with a fear of mine and boundary. I didn't react. So far he's backed off when he was speeding up the process to push my boundaries and make me emotionally unsafe. The coven, for the first time, came around our home. I killed them with kindness.

I think I answered your questions. I am here to understand him and what he's going through. I am working on me, forging on.

[Samoy]

Ready to change. I am reading the threads. One of my issues is boundaries. My H and the coven used things that are triggers to break boundaries like, "it's about the kids." When it was about the games the adults played to structure foolery and shenanigans. "it's about..." fill in the blank.

They hid behind different nouns to break mine and our boundaries. I drew the line and here I am.

I'm reading the links. Thanks.

[BL42]

Samoy,

Are you working with a L? What are the unresolved items still at issue in the divorce?

The D is in the lawyer's hands. Almost done. No lawyer. No kids. Spousal support.

I'm still not clear here. You say "The D is in the lawyer's hands", but also "No lawyer". If you have not reviewed the terms with a lawyer that's specifically representing YOU (and not H) I would strongly recommend you do. If for nothing else as a peace of mind you're getting a fair deal under the law. No kids makes it simpler. No custody or child support to address. Are you sure the level of spousal support is appropriate under the law? What about assets? Are you getting half the equity in the house, cars, furniture, savings/checking/investments/retirement accounts?

Are you in IC?

Not sure what IC is.

Abbreviations
IC = Individual Counseling.

Why do you think his side is sabotaging your marriage and don't want him to reconcile with you?

They destroyed his first marriage. A bunch of toxic feminity. A few women who see my h as their husband and anyone who he loves is a threat to their "marriage." The sister did something really sick that showed me that she is his "real" wife. Her plan is for him and her to live together eventually.

If I say exactly what, then they will know. She ended her relationship with her boyfriend because she put my h above him. NUTS. I can go on.

You don't need to get into specifics. You're saying his sister and some of his female friends see themselves as married to him, and don't want him to have a W? If that is the case, will that EVER change going forward? Or would they always have this dynamic?

What was your contribution to the demise of the marriage? What areas do you need to work on in relationships?

My contribution was my communication skills SUCKED! I also didn't have my finances together.

So the two areas you've identified and are working on are: communication and finances?

My desire is to understand MORE about what's going on with my H.

Understood. But what I'm saying is don't bother. ONLY spend your energy on you.

I was angry at him for a long time.

Do you think that anger influenced your relationship?

When I found out about MLC, empathy set in. I have empathy, with boundaries.

Empathy and boundaries are good. What are your boundaries?

I am working on and focusing on myself.

Good. But...sounds like you're also spending a lot of time analyzing your H.

I believe he's in Late Withdrawal.

I almost thought he was on suspension for over a year

I saw him re-engage recently, it was a struggle. I saw it.

After our trial, he monstered me with a fear of mine and boundary.

Again, whether he's in "Late Withdrawal" or "Suspension" or "Monstering" whatever phase of MLC you think he may be is no relevant to what you should be doing. Stop spending time diagnosing him.

I am here to understand him and what he's going through.

What I'm recommending is don't waste your time on this. Instead focus on:

I am working on me, forging on.

Good! That's the only thing you should be doing.

[Samoy]

BL42,

I am in IC.

I meant to say judge, not lawyer.

I am working on myself and bettering myself, why I am in IC, and what I am doing in all aspects of my life. I am working on bettering my responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. All of that.

I am on this platform because it's supposed to give clarity on MLC. Tell me if I am incorrect. I get the sense this platform is only interested in the person writing narrative and that I should have no empathy or learn about what my H is going through.

Does that make sense?

If your spouse has cancer do you say, forget about her/him and whatever cancer they have, they'll deal with it? It's all about you working on yourself so if he/she gets better and you survive this you'll be strong.

Empathy with boundaries is a strength. Lack of empathy is a weakness.

I know I can't help him. I am seeking understanding. Is that wrong? Maybe this is the wrong platform to seek understanding and clarity.

Maybe you can not help me. Thanks for your help.