Thanks for all of your replies. I write this in tears. I had a hard time finding my own thread. I hope i can find it again.
We are waiting for the judge to make her decision then it is a wrap. I tried as long as i can in hopes he will come out. He has not, yet.
We, my dogs and I, have to move out soon. This is his house. My heart aches. He's, actually his family is pressuring him to do things that will drive me out. I will not say exactly as he or someone he knows might find this sight and know.
He is doing something that he knows plays on my mental security with a past experience. He used the word, "we are planning xyz." meaning he and his family.
I feel so alone as ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING THROUGH THIS IN SOME FORM. I have no one to lean on to heal or feel safe.
My family is of NO HELP.
I have done no contact. When he moved out I did not beg, follow or search him out. I do not reach out to him. I wrote him 4 letters that told my hurt over the time that all of this started and that is it.
After our trial, he wrote me a text and called me a user when I gave him advice that he all later hit or later will show a profit. He did none.
I am working on starting my own company and he is upset that I cut him out. He's done so much to hurt me and he has this perspective that he is entitled to.
In the letter, he said he wants his life back. I have nothing to do with his life. He is navigating all that is going on. I replied, "thank you for sharing your truths."
I still wear my ring when I go out and he's not around.
He and his family has done things to provoke me. I do not react. I feel so hurt. I am all alone in this valley. I have no one to turn to. NO ONE.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GOING THROUGH THIS! I found out the ONE person I've been going to is not going through a divorce and has been monstering his wife. He said his wife said she was scared to come home because she didn't know what she was walking into. This is after I saw him hemmed up with a younger woman in public. I WAS SHOCKED. STILL AM.
He has been a source of information and solace. I didn't know he was in the tunnel too ALL WHILE I WAS CONFIDING IN HIM. I have known him for decades. He actually proposed an affair with me, I was like MOFO! and I let it go.
I feel lost! My dad and uncles passed. I lost my husband and now i lost the one person who had my back since my 20s. I feel lost! I feel scared!
I heard they ramp up before they exit withdrawal. I don't know if all of what he's doing now is a ramp-up. I don't want to be specific to not give it away if others find themselves here as I KNOW SO MANY WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS.
I do not know what to do. Like my friend said about his wife, she said she felt frozen. I feel frozen. I am scraping in the dark finding my way.
I am falling apart. I have to find my way out of here in the next few months with my dogs and put together my stuff for my company to make it run, with God's grace.
I have no one to talk to. No one.
I present a calm face to all and I am dying inside. I am dying. I miss the man i married. I know he's gone.
I do not know if OW is still around. I think he was messing up at work and he was or still is placed on suspension, working or put to the side.
The summer is his time to shine at his job. He runs the conventions. He was not in ONE picture at any of the conventions. He is usually present. I realized that his work phone has been radio silent this entire year. NOT usual.
His last convention, OW's been traveling with him. He added her to one of his cards. He rips up his bills and throws them away in the garbage. I saw their vacays.
For his job he vacays WAY TOO MUCH. He can't be working. He can't. IT is pressure and politics.
After his last convention, he came directly home, odd. He's been going wherever he stays. He used the word "stay."
He was home for 3 days. NOT LIKE HIM! HE ALWAYS WORKS. His work phone...DEAD, not one call.
He finally posted on his social media last month since, last year about his job and I heard him on a work zoom a few weeks ago. However, someone else was chairing the meeting he would have chaired/run.
He has not opened that credit card bill. The one that related to his last convention. He opened and paid all other bills. He left that bill. Another bill came for that card. Both are in the bill box.
I believe something happened at that convention. I think someone pulled his coat/card HARD. He ran to the backyard to take a call after that person called 3-4 times.
He was home for an entire week! a few weeks ago then 4 days this week. He took one zoom call. His work phone is still silent. It used to RING AALL THE TIME.
His boss and others, his "best friend/work wife" even have him at arm's length. They were attached at the hip. He helped her get a promotion that sent her flying and now he is nowhere near her.
It appears she's left him or separated herself from him because of whatever is going on or went on.
OW works in his company in a subordinate role.
I saw one picture of them and she was seated with the power brokers in the company with people around them. My husband who used to sit with those people was AT THE EDGE of the picture. FAR AWAY FROM HER.
So something is going on at work and something happened at that convention that made him run home to hide.
He comes home 3-4 days a week and leaves on the weekends. Monday to Wednesday or Thursday and NO WORK CALLS. They only work call I heard was from his secretary reminding him about our divorce hearing. She was laughing. She's new. His old secretary retired. He was about to miss that hearing.
His work phone used to ring from 8 am if not 7:30 am. His boss has YET TO CALL HIM. I HAVE NOT HEARD ONE PHONE CALL FROM HIS BOSS IN OVER A YEAR. He used to call him ALL THE TIME.
He also did not pay all of his part of the court fees. That is not like him. He's on it.
He's been in withdrawal for over a year. In April 2021 he moved out. After the last convention, he bought home a female motorcycle helmet, with a tag, and his.
I found my thread by accident. I will check it every day to hear from you guys on your perspective and to move forward.
Question. My husband is probably in the below process, however, he has three very manipulative, toxic femininities around him who are manipulating him with all they have. THEY ARE HIS TRAUMA.
How will this affect his decision-making process? Will their toxic stuff get him stuck? Kill him? or Will he find the courage to see and fight them?
Has anyone dealt with this scenario?
AND AS WELL, THE men around him ARE ALL IN MLC. My husband had our barbecue without me. One of the toxic females finally got her shot at being me, she even got a duplicate of my engagement ring and wears it, at times.
When I came back that night, I wasn't invited. THE ONLY FEMALES above 40 were the two toxic females that are HIS TRAUMAM.
HOW MIGHT HE DEAL WITH THEM, AS THEY ARE HIS TRAUMA if he finds his way?
During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, that no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.
Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time
They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.
Not sure when you tried to post all those - if it was spread out over the last month and a half or if it was all this weekend - but it definitely comes off as you spinning quite a bit. That's ok. It's understandable. This is a terrible process to go through, and it takes most people quite awhile to work through it.
Now that you're off moderation, instead of waiting a month or two try to post regularly, which will help in two ways: 1) it's therapeutic to write it down and get it out, and 2) others will start chiming in and offering support an advice.
I don't have the time now to read through your thread, so I'll respond more later, but the biggest item I observe is your focus on your H. What he's doing, how his work is going, is he still with OW...etc, etc. It's easier said than done, I know, but really try to put some effort on ignoring all the details of his life and instead focus on yourself. How can you improve your self, your life, and your situation? What areas do you control? Are you in IC? Have you started exercising? What is your GAL? What are yours 180s?
Hang in there...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21