Single tired female

[Elbereth]

Hey G,

I’m going to chip in some of my experience being the step-mom and how that plays out with the child support situation. At least how it did for me.

My XH was the higher earner and we had the kids 50% of the time. His XW was single and a lower earner. She took us to mediation to get more child support after two previous times not receiving more when my XH was single. I was also told that my income as a step-mom does not come into play, but that is not entirely true. When the calculations were done, it affected the calculations by the way of his shared expenses (his expense portions decreased because I helped pay for them). So the fact that he had help with his expenses provided the court the way to allow more child support to go to his XW. So, if you have records of these trips he is taking, and you have records of your expenses thus far (along with any other records that show the weight you are pulling versus your XH), I strongly suggest you discuss it with a lawyer and pursue a child support modification. They will pull in his Ws information as well into the calculations (or at least I had to provide all my info into the process as well). In your case, you are working extra hard to do your part. In our case, his XW who was college educated but choose to work in a very low paying job, got a large increase from us because my XH and I both made a solid income (I did not graduate from college but I did work my way up to a very solid income level). In your case, you deserve to get whatever the court can calculate as fair with a fair “modification” of split based on your 70/30 time in your household.

As for the past agreement you had about daycare and 50/50 split…I don’t see how that applies anymore as your D is no longer in daycare. What has changed is the cost of raising your D has increased due to age, the inflation and costs of everything have gone up, and your child support is based on figures from who knows how long ago…all while your XH hardly contributes and goes on vacations. And you continue to struggle because you don’t want to rock the boat.

How is obtaining the support your XH should be providing rocking the boat? Instead, you are allowing him to let your ship take on water and barely float? If getting your XH to do the minimum of what is required affects your relationship with him, that is on him. How is what he is doing to you right now fair to you or your D?

And it’s never too late…our change in custody occurred when the kids were in high school. In that new agreement, you can also include any changes you want to make in regards to college. In our case, we had the kids pay 50% of their own college and the parents split the other 50%. And also put into the agreement how certain expenses over a certain amount need to be agreed upon in advance so that he just doesn’t make decisions without you on things and then send you the bill. And discuss anything else that might be missing with your L.

Sure it’s unpleasant. Sure it might cause some difficulties in dealing with your XH. But what is going on is not fair to you, you are exhausted trying to manage it all, and it’s only fair that your XH do his part…even if he is the lesser earner. This is for your D. You can remind him of that when he objects…which of course he will…he’s had it so easy for so long now.

Anyway, that is my two cents.

El

[LH19]

LH- it was not my first time being intimate with him. We went on a bunch of dates. A lesson in sex Ed, not only sexual intercourse determines sexual chemistry. I did hear from
Him after. Just not in a few days. I don’t care. And in those 5 days last time, it wasn’t even uneasiness. I felt more frustrated than anything .

Ahhh so a little Fellatio, Cunnilingus or perhaps hand stimulation is intimacy. Thank you for the sex ed refresher G. Now I get the sexual chemistry statement. (insert LH eyeroll) lol.

[DonH]

Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support.

And I’d only ask for $100 more per month. He should be able to swing that.

You are still being far too generous here. Why? Why are you wanting to be nice and even fair to ex? Was he nice and fair to you? You need to be nice and fair to YOURSELF. You’ve talked forever about your financial struggles - which are both very real and I’m convinced also partly your doing. If you only ask for a $25/week increase you are again contributing to your own financial downfall.

BL42 reports a range of $130 to $200 per week. My cursory search revealed similar results. As a gross guideline, 12% of his gross salary seems to be the NJ norm. He’s currently contributing about $4,500 a year. It should be closer to $6,700 to $10,000. That’s a vast difference - even to the $5,400 you are considering asking for. While a $100/month increase might be a reasonable increase - you’ve been under paid for a dozen years and have never had an increase. You’re likely not to get another increase before D turns 18. This is your only shot. You’ve got to make it count. Think this through and get professional input. A $25/week increase is way too low and would be a huge gift to reward your exs bad behavior. Please don’t reward him. Don’t take him to the cleaners either. Just ask for what you need and for what is fair and allowed. $50/week increase minimum.

[Ginger1]

BL has 2 kids, I have one and he earns the higher salary.

I’m going to get an idea of what k should be getting and then give him the option of doing it privately or court mediated. Because he will pay me if he agrees, I’m not worried about that

[Traveler]

How is obtaining the support your XH should be providing rocking the boat? Instead, you are allowing him to let your ship take on water and barely float? If getting your XH to do the minimum of what is required affects your relationship with him, that is on him. How is what he is doing to you right now fair to you or your D?

Ginger, it's hard to understand demanding anything less than the court deems fair, assuming your side of the aisle is clean, unless he's granting you extras like more custody, more flexible custody, paying for clubs or classes for your D, etc. E.g., I know many parents who accept more than 50% custody in return for not reporting the extra time to the courts.

[DonH]

Anyway, that is my two cents.

El

You posted while I was struggling to do the same on my iPad. Great comments Elbereth. I totally agree. Same with BL42. That’s 3 of us saying pretty much the same things. Please consider them G. Your nice person/don’t want to cause trouble/don’t want to fight personality may shoot up other feelings but a solid increase is very much fair. If the court provides less then they provide less. But it never hurts to ask for more - especially when “more” seems to be both warranted and fair. Start high and negotiate. It’s never good to start low.

[Ginger1]

There are absolutely no extras on his part. Only mine. Maybe the vacations, but that’s his choice . I cover everything else

[bttrfly]

My comments:

1. Find out what your state mandates for divorced couples with kid in terms of support

2. Follow the state guidelines on paper before you approach exh or the courts

at least you will then know exactly what you ought to be getting / are legally entitled to

3. figure out what you're currently spending (or what you spent in 2021) vs what you've received in support from exh. Calculate the delta.

Now you have two data points:
a. what you are entitled to
b. what you actually spent/received and the difference

Negotiate from the higher of the two. You can always come down; you cannot go up once you start.

[kml]

Mach - I'm so sorry for your loss. As you know, I nursed my boyfriend through his 3 1/2 year battle with stage 4 lung cancer and he passed in December. It's so tough, but it also teaches you to live each day, right?

Ginger - sounds like you might be dating a Love Avoidant. How about just seeing him for fun and sex while continuing to look for a better match? I wish I had one of my old Love Avoidant dates available to me now. (And oddly, one just got married, one has been in a LTR with the high school GF he dumped me for, and the third has ghosted me but who knows, maybe he's in a new relationship too? So I guess even Love Avoidants can get into relationships sometimes. ) As long as you keep the mindset that he's just temporary and he's not doing enough for you, you retain the power in that relationship.

As for the rest - G, your self-talk is your worst enemy. I know it sounds goofy, but you need to be saying positive affirmations to yourself and make a vision board. Practice saying things like "I'm a f-ing ray of sunshine!" (Lol - this is what an old boyfriend told me when I was dating that first Love Avoidant guy - that I was a ray of sunshine and always was. So when Love Avoidant guy was avoiding me, I told myself "What's his problem? I'm a F-ING ray of SUNSHINE!!!!!" Sure helped my mood lolol.)

[bttrfly]

just checked your state's website G - there's even a worksheet for you to calculate #s ... check it out before you talk yourself into a super low payment. hope this helps.