It’s BS. People want to be “Switzerland friends” and not take sides. Plus you have no idea what kind of lies your ex is telling these people to justify his actions. They can tell the most egregious lies!
Your H really must have been a master gaslighter to have you still questioning yourself in this situation. Get his voice out of your head, will you? You’re an intelligent, competent, successful woman and a loving mom. You deserve better.
It’s BS. People want to be “Switzerland friends” and not take sides. Plus you have no idea what kind of lies your ex is telling these people to justify his actions. They can tell the most egregious lies!
Your H really must have been a master gaslighter to have you still questioning yourself in this situation. Get his voice out of your head, will you? You’re an intelligent, competent, successful woman and a loving mom. You deserve better.
Thank you, that means so much Kml!! Appreciate you commenting and your kindness.
but...is this common? I mean, is it normal for this behavior to be totally ok with the ex's friends/family?
Originally Posted by kml
It’s BS. People want to be “Switzerland friends” and not take sides. Plus you have no idea what kind of lies your ex is telling these people to justify his actions. They can tell the most egregious lies!
I've been surprised how friendly and accepting people are with my ExW. I assumed (or maybe wanted out of sense of revenge) folks to be offended and shocked at her actions of having affairs and breaking up a family with a 4yo and 1yo and kind of back away, but that's not been the case (at least in my observations at school, sports games...etc.). I think it's a combination of things: people might not know what she did, she definitely lied to her family and friends about me to make her actions less offensive, people might think badly of her behind the scenes but put on a nice/friendly face when encountered in public, but perhaps the number one factor is...society is simply a lot more accepting of these behaviors than it used to be.
Our challenge Newborn is to get over it and not worry about what society/others think of the situation or behave towards our Exs and focus on what we can control.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
but...is this common? I mean, is it normal for this behavior to be totally ok with the ex's friends/family?
Originally Posted by kml
It’s BS. People want to be “Switzerland friends” and not take sides. Plus you have no idea what kind of lies your ex is telling these people to justify his actions. They can tell the most egregious lies!
I've been surprised how friendly and accepting people are with my ExW. I assumed (or maybe wanted out of sense of revenge) folks to be offended and shocked at her actions of having affairs and breaking up a family with a 4yo and 1yo and kind of back away, but that's not been the case (at least in my observations at school, sports games...etc.). I think it's a combination of things: people might not know what she did, she definitely lied to her family and friends about me to make her actions less offensive, people might think badly of her behind the scenes but put on a nice/friendly face when encountered in public, but perhaps the number one factor is...society is simply a lot more accepting of these behaviors than it used to be.
Our challenge Newborn is to get over it and not worry about what society/others think of the situation or behave towards our Exs and focus on what we can control.
Thanks BL42. I appreciate you weighing in. It really is a weird situation. My IC says not everyone cares about their friends having the integrity that you or I may have. But agree - we'll move on, it's not about them, it's about us moving forward.
Divorce is a time when you learn who your true friends are. I’m not surprised that most of our guy friends stayed with my exH I after the divorce, but one really disappointed me. He was friends with both of us, we met him as a couple, he lived across the street with his first wife who was in med school with me. He and I hung out as much as he and my husband did, we even went to concerts just the two of us after he was divorced and before he met his second wife. I thought he at least would still reach out to me too, as we had known each other for 26 years, but no.
It’s just what happens, so hold your good friends who have your back close.
Divorce is a time when you learn who your true friends are. I’m not surprised that most of our guy friends stayed with my exH I after the divorce, but one really disappointed me. He was friends with both of us, we met him as a couple, he lived across the street with his first wife who was in med school with me. He and I hung out as much as he and my husband did, we even went to concerts just the two of us after he was divorced and before he met his second wife. I thought he at least would still reach out to me too, as we had known each other for 26 years, but no.
It’s just what happens, so hold your good friends who have your back close.
Another MD! Don't we have enough stress without our husbands being manchildren? ugh.
Sorry to hear about that "friend". Ex's best friends I hung with a ton, some even when ex wasn't there (eg, when I was in another city for medical training) - one hasn't texted or called or anything. Not about the baby, or what ex did, nada.
His other best friend who is in a happy and healthy marriage calls/texts frequently and sent gifts to the baby. Interestingly - ex hasn't called him back at all nor told him about anything, including the baby or divorce! What a weirdo.
Oh my goodness! I know this sounds silly - and I shouldn't depend on others for validation - but my entire concern for the past few posts were about how accepting others were of the ex's actions.
Well, my sister in law who I have a huge amount of respect for just texted me out of the blue saying that she is really frustrated by ex's actions and is in the baby's and my corner. I know it doesn't change anything but just hearing that is so incredible.
Thank you all for helping me feel validated as well. It's really weird, this week has just been a total "I don't want him back" feeling. I know I'm on the roller coaster but right now if he came to my door and apologized and asked for me back I think I'd say no? It's the first time I felt pretty confident about that.
It's silly but I saw a sweatshirt (of all things!) that said: "What if it all works out?" and I was thinking wouldn't it be nice if it did.
Then I looked around myself - my perfect cute bubbly happy baby, a beautiful cottage by the sea (just renting but hopefully I can rent indefinitely), a well respected job, amazing friends and family. What if this is my happily ever after? I realized I'm okay with that.
Then I looked around myself - my perfect cute bubbly happy baby, a beautiful cottage by the sea (just renting but hopefully I can rent indefinitely), a well respected job, amazing friends and family. What if this is my happily ever after? I realized I'm okay with that.
It's fantastic you're able to see that and be grateful today when you couldn't some weeks ago. Yes, not only will you not die, you sound well on your way to thriving. Happy Saturday!
Then I looked around myself - my perfect cute bubbly happy baby, a beautiful cottage by the sea (just renting but hopefully I can rent indefinitely), a well respected job, amazing friends and family. What if this is my happily ever after? I realized I'm okay with that.
It's fantastic you're able to see that and be grateful today when you couldn't some weeks ago. Yes, not only will you not die, you sound well on your way to thriving. Happy Saturday!
