6 month old baby and upcoming divorce

[Newborn]

Thanks R2C! I read that post a while back actually. It gave me a lot of inspiration. I'll do so again.

To be honest, coming here and sharing my story with an extremely pro marriage group has given me a lot of reflection and introspection and peace, even from just this small thread. I really appreciate all of your candidness and honesty. This really hasn't been a good relationship in a long time. I've been really sacrificing my own hopes wants and needs to appease someone who can't even figure out what he wants. I deserve more than that. My son definitely does.

[Ready2Change]

I've been really sacrificing my own hopes wants and needs to appease someone who can't even figure out what he wants. I deserve more than that. My son definitely does.

Sounds like a good place for a 180. Focus on your GAL.


Look here for "Women become assertive":
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

It has been awhile since I read it. might want add it to your to your reading list. (and any of the other books)

[Newborn]

Thank you BL42 for sharing your story and your input. You and the rest of the group have all have been helpful even before the thread as I saw your advice to others'.

Thank you Cadet for the welcome, and KML for your story and kind insight as well. Agreed that I worry about what he'll be like when times are really tough.

It's a little surreal having ya'll respond when I've read so much of your feedback and support to others! Your support is really appreciated.

I talked with my IC today and she asked me what kind of boundaries I want to set for the ex and my baby. I want the baby to know his father of course, but I worry he'll start to flake when I need him. It's so weird having the guy I was married to so long seem to be pretty happy with us, and then turn around and leave without a care in the world.

He babysat a few weeks ago so I could finally go out for one of the first times since having the baby (and COVID, for that matter), a gala to celebrate a close friend. I know we're divorcing but he didn't comment at all on how nice I looked or asked how the night went.

It reminds me of one time we were going out to dinner and I told him about the plans and he said "beautiful", and I joked me or the plans? And he rolled his eyes and told me that I shouldn't fish for compliments, it is unattractive. Made me realize how long it had been since he told me I was.

I think (and I know this is foolish and unhelpful thinking) that I just must seem really ugly and old compared to his young friends. Like a sad old wrinkled mom compared to all of his 20something friends trying to figure their way out in the world.

[SteveLW]

Newborn,

Thank you for the honest and forthright responses. Very insightful. I am, as you point out, very pro--marriage. What I am anti is controlling, manipulative spouses. And I know one when I see it because I was one. My biggest 180 was to stop the controlling and manipulative behavior. However, that is not your 180 to make, it is your STBXH's 180 to make. You cannot make it for him or force him to make it. He has to arrive there on his own. And the only way he will arrive there is to truly feel like he is losing you. I say that because if you are having second thoughts, he probably senses that. WASs are incredibly intuitive in knowing what their LBS is thinking and feeling. That is why, though we often suggest to LBSs to "fake it until you make it", it usually isn't until you make it that the WAS is convinced that you are moving forward without them.

You've done a lot right here! No question about it. And I think you are in good shape to set yourself up for future R success. I think at your age and profession you are going to attract extremely high-value future partners if that is what you want. And I think once he feels you really are moving forward he will start to question what he is losing. Astrology and yoga only go so far!

So that was a long-winded way to agree with what R2C is saying. Move forward and he will either comes to his senses or he won't, but I do not think he will come to his senses until you do move forward.

[DejaVu6]

Glad you are here Newborn. Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy. My heart hurts for you that these early years are being so negatively impacted by your STBXH. The fact that you have to ask him to come see your child speaks volumes to me. The saying that comes to mind is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I agree with others. Lock down the divorce and make sure you are protected. In a year, when you look back on this, you will be very glad you did.

In the meantime… keep moving forward and focus on you and your baby. Find a good babysitter so you don’t have to rely on your H when you want to go out and GAL (very important to do this). As time goes on, I promise you that you will miss him less and less. You made it through medical school and residency…you got this!! (((HUGS)))

[BL42]

Newborn,

1) I am a physician yes. I make 3x what the ex does.

Imo, you should consult a L. Don't tell your H about it. There are a lot issues (you making 3x, you getting full custody, med school tuition, alimony...etc.). Sounds like your H is tentatively willing to waive alimony - though beware his opinion may change on that if it drags out and/or he thinks he's getting a raw deal - but it doesn't hurt to understand what you're entitled to, even to inform your own negotiations.

I almost left him before because I couldn't handle this going back and forth.

Many of the LBSs here were also frustrated or unhappy in their marriages and some even ready to leave themselves, but when the WAS / WS pulls the chord instead if causes the LBS to react out of fear and loss of control. We talk about the WAS/WS seeing everything negative about the relationships, but also the LBS having rose-colored glasses.

3) work hours: was completely not in my control for years, now I'm out of training and have much more time. I did cut down fully in moonlighting etc from before that took my time away. I do blame myself for working so many extra hours. I cut down immediately after he had asked me to though. Damage was already done.

I can see why med school and residency would be stressful on relationships, but if you have the right partner they'll deal with it.

4) arrest: stbx got too drunk and stole a sign, a cop witnessed it. I was able to get the lawyer to argue from misdemeanor to a lesser charge. Fwiw His mom is an alcoholic who was abusive to him growing up.

The former sounds immature but not necessarily a deal breaker. The latter is a red flag.

5) custody: he's fine with me having full custody. Is not trying to go for alimony. Agree I am trying to lock on divorce ASAP to protect myself and my son. Putting all emotions away for this.

Imo you're smart to take this approach. At least from what we know, it sounds like a very favorable deal for you at this point. That CAN change. You never know if he's going to stick to that, so the sooner you lock it in the less risk you have. There are plenty of examples here of dragging it out causing a more contentious / worse deal in the end. It's a business negotiation. Separate that from the relationship/reconciliation.

6) Steve you're like the voice inside my head screaming. Urrgh. I don't know why I'm still doing this sometimes. Guess I still love him? Feel like I was the one who ruined it so I can fix it? Don't want a broken family?

All of those make sense. I think all of us can certainly relate to not wanting a broken family.

I've been really sacrificing my own hopes wants and needs to appease someone who can't even figure out what he wants. I deserve more than that. My son definitely does.

Sounds like a good place for a 180. Focus on your GAL.

^Agreed!!!

Thank you BL42 for sharing your story and your input. You and the rest of the group have all have been helpful even before the thread as I saw your advice to others'.

You're most welcome. We're all paying it forward!

He babysat a few weeks ago so I could finally go out for one of the first times since having the baby (and COVID, for that matter), a gala to celebrate a close friend. I know we're divorcing but he didn't comment at all on how nice I looked or asked how the night went.

Your next goal is to completely forget what he said or didn't say, what he thought or didn't think. He doesn't factor into your fantastic life moving forward. His loss! Get dressed up and look fabulous at that gala for your own sake! Look good, feel good, socialize, turn heads, have a great time and come back smiling. If he notices and wants you back it'll be his problem to try to convince you. If he doesn't notice, who cares you're having a great life anyway.

It reminds me of one time we were going out to dinner and I told him about the plans and he said "beautiful", and I joked me or the plans? And he rolled his eyes and told me that I shouldn't fish for compliments, it is unattractive. Made me realize how long it had been since he told me I was.

Fishing for compliments can be unattractive. Learn about that, and how to attract others. But...it doesn't mean you didn't deserve one! Get in the mindset of he's a fool for not giving you one.

I think (and I know this is foolish and unhelpful thinking) that I just must seem really ugly and old compared to his young friends. Like a sad old wrinkled mom compared to all of his 20something friends trying to figure their way out in the world.

It's understandable to feel that way. But consider...there are a lot of men out there who would love to meet a 30 something female doctor. Sounds like you're more of the catch than him.

You cannot make it for him or force him to make it. He has to arrive there on his own. And the only way he will arrive there is to truly feel like he is losing you.

Very true.

I think at your age and profession you are going to attract extremely high-value future partners if that is what you want.

Ding, ding, ding! This is absolutely true. The question is, do you believe it?

And I think once he feels you really are moving forward he will start to question what he is losing.

Maybe. But if he doesn't, who cares? You'll have a great life regardless.

The fact that you have to ask him to come see your child speaks volumes to me. The saying that comes to mind is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Reflect on this. What kind of man wants to visit his child once every week or two? Most men here are lamenting losing half their kids lives.

I agree with others. Lock down the divorce and make sure you are protected. In a year, when you look back on this, you will be very glad you did.

Agreed. Snatch up that favorable business deal while it's still on the table.

You made it through medical school and residency…you got this!!

Absolutely. I agree 100%.

[kml]

Yes - snatch up that good offer if you can. He'll likely get more stingy as time goes on.

Seriously - he got drunk and stole a sign? What is he, 18??? You deserve a grown man not a child.

[Newborn]

Kml, bl42 and deja Vu: thank you so much for your kind responses.

Agreed about the showing who they are the first time. And yes, him basically not reaching out to see the baby is very telling. Of course he does hang out with friends who are dads that he respects and will talk about being a father with them. 🙄 He likes to fit in more than anything. Thank you, I do have some babysitters but occasionally would like ex help when I go out of town for medical conferences or something.

Bl, you are right. When ex gave the bomb drop during pregnancy I consulted with a lawyer privately. Didn't want to scare him off in case he turned around and wanted to be a father after all. However in my state you need to pay alimony indefinitely after 10 years of marriage so we going to pursue postnuptial agreement if stayed together.
No bl in regards to do I believe it, maybe not. My self esteem is trashed right now. Even fishing for compliments it was just like... Starving for someone saying something nice. I'd always compliment him on his outfits or whatever and he would just say thanks half heartedly or whatever. I'm excited to move on.


Kml and bl, Everyone has echoed what you said, the longer it drags out the meaner people get. I want to ensure I ride the wave of him feeling guilty for abandoning his family by divorcing without him demanding alimony. I don't really care if he pays child support tbh because it will be less than whatever I would have to pay him in alimony for sure

True to form y'all: I felt awesome yesterday, sent in divorce paperwork, felt like I'm moving on per all y'all recommendations and the ex calls me to talk about a concert he went to (we went to same band few years back) and a crazy story about the house. I ended conversation first but he wanted to chat for over 40 minutes. Laughed and talked like old times. It's like the was has a sixth sense!

[SteveLW]

Newborn, are you familiar with the Last Resort Technique? May want to start employing that. Let those calls go to VM. If is important he'll follow up with a text.

Informational texts get no response. If he asks a direct question then answer it in your own time (hint: not right away), and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

Remember, you are busy! Busy raising a child. Working a job. Having a life outside of both those things!

[Newborn]

Newborn, are you familiar with the Last Resort Technique? May want to start employing that. Let those calls go to VM. If is important he'll follow up with a text.

Thanks for responding. Yes, I've tried LRT light basically since I've moved away. I don't really text him for most things, go out with friends and to be honest I do try to have a pretty active social life, as well as leadership and work stuff. But I do text back typically within a few hours, answer my phone, required him to come by to babysit, and hung out with extended family and him. Only thing I've invited him to was a father's Day coffee and pastries near my house - he had sent a big beautiful bouquet for mother's day and wanted him not to feel slighted.

But you're right - I should pull back even more.