I am going under the assumption that these techniques can be applied if we are not married as well. AM I right?
Yes! I won back my long-term GF for a couple of years (not all are meant to last) using DB.
Originally Posted by Insecure
he has told me that he is DONE, this will NEVER BE NOT OVER, and he WANTS ME GONE.
Aww, sorry to hear that.
Originally Posted by Insecure
We have been together for four years. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time to some,
Length isn't everything. I dated my XW for 10yrs (I left) and my XGF for 4.5yrs (she left). I would describe my relationship with my XGF of 4.5yrs as more meaningful.
Originally Posted by Insecure
About 1 year into our relationship, He was taking his phone into the bathroom with him
Affair?
Originally Posted by Inseucre
I discovered I was right, he was having an EA.
Yep!
Originally Posted by Insecure
He even told me I could look at his phone any time I wanted to, no questions asked. I decided not to - and I never did. I did notice they were no longer friends on social media, and he had gotten rid of the app he was using to talk to her.
That's a common way to regain trust. Well played.
Originally Posted by Insecure
Everytime we DID try to talk about things he would say all I ever did was blame everything on him. Which yeah, I suppose I did,
Minus these unresolved issues.
Originally Posted by Insecure
I'd say for about 5 months now, he has again become very secretive with his phone. Always turning it away from me
Smoke.
Originally Posted by Insecure
SO sadly, I resorted back to snooping again. But I have done other things. I am not proud of this, and it's not who I truly am or who I want to be
What would your best self do in this situation?
Originally Posted by Insecure
I have become severely depressed, insecure, I have no energy, I cry all of the time, I am basically just kind of worthless at the moment. I don't know how to act around him, because he acts like he is happy that we are not talking, and it hurts me and terrifies me more...
You believe he's cheated twice in four years--are you sure you want to save this? The past tends to predict the future. Imagine you succeed, marry, have kids--and you have to live through this again and again? What holds you to him? The terrible truth is it's sometimes not worth it.
The good news is you don't have to decide now. Most DB techniques are helpful whether you stay or whether you move on. What could be better for your future--with or without him--than GAL to build yourself back up, 180s of behaviors where you feel you could do better? Are you suffering in silence or do you have a friend to confide in? Can you set 1 modest goal for today and follow through?
Where your path may differ if you're trying to preserve the relationship is treating him like a cashier or Starbucks barista instead of being emo and venting at him. Listening and validation is even better. But NICING him? Nah. If he's firing you he loses those relationship perks.
Originally Posted by Insecure He has been having this EA with her for 9 months. 9 months out of the 1 year that we had been together! So this is a MAJOR red flag for him. You barely went 3 months dating before he started cheating. It sounds much more like it's just in his nature rather than a one-off. Even if you he does change his mind could you ever trust him again?
Yeah, this is likely a guy who has a chronic problem with cheating. He's probably just gotten better at hiding it. You do NOT need this in your life!!! You deserve much better. He's shown you who he is - why would you want that in your life going forward.
Sounds like you moved away from family/friends for this relationship - are you financially dependent on him too?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-68, D35,S34
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, you need to immediately make a plan to NOT be financially dependent on him. It's much easier to make good decisions from a position of strength. Get a job if you don't have one, protect your assets if they're entwined, or consider moving back in with family while you get on your feet.
So you're 46 and dated this man for 4 years. No kids, I assume? Can you share some background on your relationship history and his? Have either of you been married before? Either of you had LTRs before?
Well, get ready for everyone to kind of freak out I guess, but I best be completely honest if I am to get any help here. I have been married 3x. I am terrible (obviously) at relationships. The last marriage, when things were on the rocks, was when he had become newly single as well. Instead of trying to fix this marriage, I decided I wanted to be with him.
His history - married once, back in the mid-90's (when I met him at the age of 21, he was in the middle of a divorce). He's had 3 LTR's since then - each of them lasting about 7 years. The first one, they were both unfaithful and partying all the time and things were super messy with them. The second one, she cheated on him - he swears he never cheated on her. The last one, the one just before me - well, they were together 7 years. When we started talking, I asked him if he ever cheated on her. He straight up and immediately said "NO". He said she cheated on him. He told me a lot of terrible things about her, which I was shocked to hear because over the years, their posts on facebook - you never would have guessed it. We are both from the same small town, and I knew who she was but never knew her personally. Anyway - 1 month into our new relationship (4 years ago) I got a phone call from some random woman. He was with me when I got this call. I asked who she was. She said "Priscilla". I repeated "Priscilla?" out loud, and trust me, I saw the look on his face. She began to tell me that she has been in a relationship with him for 6 years. I said - look, I know that's a lie, I have known him a very long time, and I know for the last 7 years he has been with Tina. She said "yes. AND with me as well". I ended up hanging up on her. I looked at him and said "did I just go back in time 20 years? Want to tell me wth is going on?" He was driving at the time, so he just kept his eyes forward and said "not right now". His daughter was in the car. She is an adult but special needs - so he dropped her off at his ex's house, and we went back to his. I sat down and looked at him, he had a very scared look on his face. I asked if what she said was true. He said "well, she keeps saying we were together for 6 years, I don't know where she got that form because it was more like 4". I asked "Do you remember when I asked you if you had ever cheated on Tina?" he said "Yes." I said "and what did you tell me?" he said "I said no". I just sat there. I was beside myself. I said "so, you were with Tina for 7 years. and cheating on her for 4? or 6? at this point I don't know if I believe it was 4 and not 6 - but at any rate, almost your entire relationship with Tina you were also seeing someone else?????" "He sat there and admitted everything, and cried, and told me he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to "screw this up" and then he said that there was "nothing in the world that could ever make him want to feel like that again" and I said "Like what?" and he said "A lying, cheating, piece of [censored]". I said "It's not like you just cheated or had a one night stand, you literally were having two full blown relationships - I don't know what to say at this point".
He cried and poured his heart out to me. Told me he understood if I wanted to just give up or didn't want to see him for a while and he would let me be.
For reasons I cannot even pin-point right now, (probably mostly because of the things he said to me) I decided that everyone deserves a second chance. and I moved forward with the relationship. Mind you, we started dating in December of 2018 - I found out about this all in January 2019. Then he started the affair with the other woman in March of 2019.
So...... judge away - please really just be honest.....
No judgment - sociopaths like this can be incredibly good at hoodwinking people - but I think you just answered your own questions - run - do not walk - for the nearest exit. Read The Sociopath Next Door. This guy is NOT who you thought he is and no amount of DBing is gonna make this a relationship that should be saved. Go save yourself, get yourself on stable self-supporting financial footing before you even THINK about dating again, and if you can, get some counseling.
Hi Insecure (hopefully you will want to change this name soon).
I agree with what the others have said here. Three months in and he was already cheating on you. My XH is one of the worst in this department and even he took nine years before he started. If you weren’t feeling rejected and needy and you were financially independent, you need to ask yourself if you would be prepared to be in a relationship with someone who reacted the way he did when you asked him a legitimate question based on his behaviour. When someone reacts to a question like that by gaslighting you, that’s a big red flag. Not judging you on that… my rls had a ton of red flags I excused or ignored. My inability to recognize what was right in front of me did not make it less true.
I agree with KML. You need to get working on becoming financially self-sufficient. If that means moving back to where you have supports, you need to take the necessary steps to do that. He has said he wants you gone. If I were you, I would do so extremely quickly. And don’t worry…this doesn’t necessarily close the door on a potential reconciliation. Reminds me of a situation I had with my first boyfriend/fiancé. We had known each other since the age of 12. We got together at 17 and stayed together for six years - attended university together, moved in and got engaged. This was what I thought I had always wanted but it didn’t feel like I thought it should feel. I felt like my fiance wasn’t actually ready for marriage and only asked me because he didn’t want to lose me. I wanted him to want to get married because he wanted to be with me and that wasn’t the same thing. So I decided to give him the ring back and I told him I only wanted it back when he truly wanted to be married to me. Secretly I wanted him to protest and tell me I was wrong but he didn’t…he just accepted it. A week later, I accepted a job that was five hours away and moved out. It was emotional and scary but I knew it was the right thing. I still remember it… crying almost all of the way to my new home and wanting to turn back so many times. But I persisted and my life took a new direction very soon after. That’s not the point of the story though. The point is that I had sensed indecision in him and I knew that if I went through with everything, he would eventually want to leave. So I beat him to the punch. And you know what he said to me a year or two later?? He said, “I never loved you more than I did the day you left me.” And he spent several years wishing he had stopped me before he eventually carved out a new path for himself. Never underestimate the power in walking away from someone you love who has decided that they maybe don’t want to be with you. It is HUGELY attractive to the other person. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but it is just human nature to undervalue what you have and overvalue what you think you can’t have. He KNEW me so well and I shocked the heck out of him when I left. It had a huge impact on him.
Anyway… I don’t recommend doing things to manipulate him into returning to you. IMO, that never ends well. Focus on you… get your life in order…find your inner strength (I promise you it is there). It is NOT easy… I went through hell before I got there. But the point is that I did get there and you can too. My XH married his affair last summer. When everything first happened, I imagined that scenario and thought it would kill me if it ever happened. It barely even registered with me. Have faith. If you do the work and keep pushing forward, you will get through this and emerge a better, stronger person. (((HUGS)))
When we started talking, I asked him if he ever cheated on her. He straight up and immediately said "NO".
"It's not like you just cheated or had a one night stand, you literally were having two full blown relationships - I don't know what to say at this point".
When kml calls him a sociopath, it fits. Without condoning any form of cheating, I can grasp a drunken mistake or an exit affair to find happiness and avoid loneliness. This is more. He lied to them for years. He's been doing it his whole life. His only worry seems to be getting caught.
Originally Posted by Insecure
Instead of trying to fix this marriage, I decided I wanted to be with him.
Insecure, we have a few members here who have admitted to EAs and PAs. You may not have gone that far, but if your conduct wasn't becoming of who you want to be, I wonder if that factored into you accepting this guy? If so, consider facing your guilt and forgiving yourself. I've never cheated, but I have done some things to ex's I've since apologized for.
Instead of trying to fix this marriage, I decided I wanted to be with him.
Insecure, we have a few members here who have admitted to EAs and PAs. You may not have gone that far, but if your conduct wasn't becoming of who you want to be, I wonder if that factored into you accepting this guy? If so, consider facing your guilt and forgiving yourself. I've never cheated, but I have done some things to ex's I've since apologized for.[/quote]
I can honestly say I have never cheated. I despise it, I don't understand it, my heart just doesn't work that way. I have never been able to grasp how someone could cheat because for me, if I even tried to think about it, I know that I would feel gross, disgusting, despicable. I don't even know how to explain it.
When I say that I decided not to try to fix my marriage, it wasn't like we were actively trying to fix it or anything. There is an entirely different reason our marriage was tumultuous, and it was because of our children. We had none together, but he had one, I had one - and I had an ex (my son's father) who was making things impossible. That's another long story in itself. My son no longer lives with me, he is back in our home state with his father.
I have thought over the years about apologizing to my ex husband - he wasn't a bad guy - honestly. We just could not agree or come to any kind of compromise with our children. It's on both of us. Not just one or the other. I didn't want to lose him, but the situation with my ex and my son was just never going to stop. I knew that.
I'm also not saying I handled it well by just moving on with someone else either...but there just isn't any way to change that now. Now I am in this situation that I lost my son over (literally - it was this relationship that was the final straw in the battle) and I don't know. I do believe I need help (counseling). But I love him, and I don't know how to let this go.
