Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by BL42
Ginger1 - Not sure how you put up with dropping your daughter off at your Exs/OWs for so long. That must've caused you so much pain over the years. It still riles me up after a year or two. You must be a saint.
You don't have to be a saint. Once you work through the breakup, it won't "rile you up" much. Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs. Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy.

Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.

My feelings a bit more than a decade in? Yesterday was my Thanksgiving. My kids and I joked that our home's in a different time zone than XW's, which explains the magic for them of celebrating the holiday twice! I sent half a homemade pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream over when my XW picked up the kids. Thu->Sun I'm kid-free. It's time for me to travel!

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
B
BL42 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
Traveler,

I've accepted and embraced the "observed" Holidays. For example, last year Santa came a day early and the kids woke up and opened gifts on Christmas Eve morning. He even gave them a note in advance about how he selected them to deliver to early so he could all the houses into his schedule, so that they went to bed having read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and with all the anticipation and excitement of what would've been the "real" date. It went wonderfully actually and I didn't feel that I (or the kids) missed out at all. That aspect I've tackled and nailed with/for the kiddos.

What I was referring to about this morning was the hurt of dropping my kids off for a Holiday with OM2 in my face knowing he was involved with W while we were living together and moved in with my kids right out of the gate even while we were married. And from a very young age my children have seen him as their mom's partner and potentially a father figure that they've developed a relationship with. That is a pain I think that maybe only those who have gone through it - like Ginger - can understand. Not diminishing anything you went through, but that specific case is not something you've had to deal with as a parent.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs.
2 years in and still some raw spots. I'm sure over time those triggers won't be as frequent or strong.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy. Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.
Point taken, and agreed - need to make sure I'm progressing and not trapped by the anger.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
i'm sorry that happened BL ... but gotta say I'm really proud of the way you handed it. Way to GAL xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,987
Likes: 227
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,987
Likes: 227
Hello BL

Yep, that’s rough. Well done not letting your feelings take over your day and ruin it. How long until they fleeted? Just curious, if you don’t mind.

I’m guessing you weren’t suspecting to see him there when you were dropping of the kids. Over the years I’ve had a few surprise face to face encounters with OM. Think of today as a test. God or the universe just tested you. And by my reckoning, you passed with flying colors!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 732
Likes: 22
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 732
Likes: 22
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by BL42
Ginger1 - Not sure how you put up with dropping your daughter off at your Exs/OWs for so long. That must've caused you so much pain over the years. It still riles me up after a year or two. You must be a saint.
You don't have to be a saint. Once you work through the breakup, it won't "rile you up" much. Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs. Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy.

Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.

My feelings a bit more than a decade in? Yesterday was my Thanksgiving. My kids and I joked that our home's in a different time zone than XW's, which explains the magic for them of celebrating the holiday twice! I sent half a homemade pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream over when my XW picked up the kids. Thu->Sun I'm kid-free. It's time for me to travel!

I'm not trying to be negative, but CW can we tone down the self-righteousness when you're the one who made the decision to not keep your family together. Don't know anyone on here who got made that decision. Know your audience a bit mate.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
1 member likes this: bttrfly
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,772
Likes: 137
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,772
Likes: 137
BL- I am no saint by any means. I just developed coping mechanisms for survival. I knew I had a lifetime of this and I had to adapt. And I did that by learning to compartmentalize and learning how to reduce my exposure to what hurts me . Like I wouldn’t drop her off at his big get together where his wife and family was. I would actually have him come get her. Small things like that really helped. I also had the “luxury” of working my way through my holidays without her. If I didn’t have her, I worked. And my work just distracted me. And the first few years I worked night shift, so I would work a 12.5 hour the night before and just sleep through the day, so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.

But yes, I have to admit, and I can still feel it, I was in an insurmountable amount of pain anytime I had to give my child up to them especially on holidays. Worse than any physical pain that I’ve known, quite honestly. But just like anything else, it gets easier with time.

I know it’s more of sending your kids off and feeling like an outsider in your family. It’s really difficult at times and hard to explain, especially when you didn’t have a day in the matter. This was chosen for us. And it stinks and I’m sorry.

You did the right thing. Headed off to the gym and got your head clear. It’s OK to distract, we don’t have to feel everything. Distraction is a beautiful thing!

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,175
Likes: 301
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,175
Likes: 301
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by BL42
Ginger1 - Not sure how you put up with dropping your daughter off at your Exs/OWs for so long. That must've caused you so much pain over the years. It still riles me up after a year or two. You must be a saint.
You don't have to be a saint. Once you work through the breakup, it won't "rile you up" much. Feeling "riled up" is common among the newly divorced, but it's uncommon among acquaintances and friends I know in real life divorced 5-15yrs. Some waited for time to work its magic. Others didn't see themselves improving quickly enough and turned to therapy.

Some people get trapped by their anger. Just be mindful of whether each year is easier than the last.

My feelings a bit more than a decade in? Yesterday was my Thanksgiving. My kids and I joked that our home's in a different time zone than XW's, which explains the magic for them of celebrating the holiday twice! I sent half a homemade pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream over when my XW picked up the kids. Thu->Sun I'm kid-free. It's time for me to travel!

I'm not trying to be negative, but CW can we tone down the self-righteousness when you're the one who made the decision to not keep your family together. Don't know anyone on here who got made that decision. Know your audience a bit mate.
Bent you are awesome! I read his post and got really pi$$ed and said great now I have to be an a$$hole because he can’t see the difference that he left his W when she was sick. Thanks for saving bro.

BL totally normal. Holidays are tough. I wonder if you can’t have her come pick up the kids on holidays?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
2 members like this: bttrfly, Taz
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
it's all sunshine and rainbow skittles ...


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,907
Likes: 327
I really like Taz' suggestion - or a neutral meet up for the next holiday hand off ...

BL, the way you're killing it I'm pretty sure that in time to come you'll not be triggered as easily.

I know that sounds far-fetched, and forgive me for the personal example, but it illustrates what I mean:

During our divorce settlement process, my H was forced to reveal a secret credit card he'd gotten at BD. It revealed a lot - including a secret trip to Hawaii. He flew there on our 21st wedding anniversary, stayed 5 days and spent over $3500. He swore up down and sideways he went alone ... and demanded that I pay for half the trip, since he was paying all my living expenses. To give you a sense of the timeline involved, BD was 4/6, our anniversary was 7/16 - three months later. Now, it's been pointed out to me recently how deeply hurtful that was, but we're 7 years out and my strongest reaction is laughter, because it strikes me as so completely ludicrous that someone would think this was ok that all I can do is laugh. I really do think it's funny, in fact when I talk about this story I often laugh so hard tears come ... but they're not the same kind of tears they were when it happened. They're tears of joy that I get to spend the rest of my life free of someone who thinks that's an acceptable thing to do. A few years back, this was a place I couldn't see myself ever getting to. My point is the most hurtful things seem to lose their sting as we heal. Doesn't mean any of the hurtful behavior is ok, ever. But it does mean that as we heal it matters less in the grand scheme of our present lives. You'll get there. I know it!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,623
Likes: 179
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,623
Likes: 179
Hey BL...

Hey buddy, sorry you had a rough time with that....

Some things you just have to power through with dignity, honor , and grace....

I remember that hurt, feeling like I was an outcast in my children's lives because I felt that someone new was taking my place.

In time, it will fade. I always felt that their time with their Mother was party time, and I was the one that had to be the "asshat" because there was structure, and discipline with me. I was wasn't all Disney and fairytails..

I will tell you this, and I hope it helps...

Whatever you think that it is, it really isn't...

All the fun, and smiles, and you feeling replaceable....

It isn't real...

Your kiddos hurt not being with you the same as you hurt, and in time that will eventually reveal itself.

But is also doesn't mean that those times have to be hard. It's totally normal to miss them, and I would venture-being the kind of guy I read here- that you didn't miss them any less than you normally do during drop offs....there was just a visual reminder of what has happened.

Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays are just normal days that we place expectations, memories, and traditions on...

How was your drop-off any different in reality compared to any other drop-off, other than the nostalgic feeling of the day ?

Probably not much...just the visual stuff with seeing him.



Try to maybe think along these lines....

They are happy when they are with her also, and they are a part of her also.....

Even though it ended, she is the reason that you have them, and find the thankfulness in that. ( and I think that you do)....

If you've been reading along on my thread, the discussions I've been having with my Son have really shown things in a new light. All of the things that I "thought" were happening, in reality, were not happening.....

I felt as though Dr Giggles was this strong presence in their lives, which in fact, he really hasn't been.


He told me that he merely tolerates him, and he is quite the pompous ass when he isn't being told exactly what to do by my Ex.....and that his Sister feels the same way. He is a by-product of being around their Mother....

Yet, I am Dad....and nothing takes priority over that....


So don't believe the lies that your mind tells you, it will eventually be different than what you think that it is....

You are rockin this schidt buddy.... just be you, and just be Dad....they know....

Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard