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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I feel like this is one of those tests for me. Am I picking something else over her.
This is absolutely a $hit test.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Traveler you bring up a great point. If she does let’s say fail, guess who’s fault that will be??
No way is this on you if she fails. 100% on her.


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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I can’t sleep. A situation came up and want to hear what I should do. A friend from my job has a side job. He asked Tuesday if I could work Friday night with him. I said let me ask my gf if that’s ok. Now 2 months ago, my gf signed up to take a GRE test tomorrow (Friday). I thought she told me it was I. The morning because she asked if I was going to be off that day, which I am. She has to take it online with someone watching her live. So I asked her Tuesday morning through text.
Here is the text conversation with some minor changes just because we are on the board like names and exact job.

Me: The guy B, asked if I could work this friday? I would meet him at the ferry at 5:30 and work till 2am. $175 cash.

Gf: And you’re going to be up in time to help me with Baby? lol

Me: Might be a little tough.

Gf: You should consider that. Considering the help I get is minimal.

Me: I understand, but money is tight.

Gf: k

Then last night right before we are going to bed, she says I know you are supposed to work tomorrow night but I just remembered I have the test tomorrow. I said I know it’s in the morning. She said no it’s at 8pm. I said I could have sworn you told me it was in the morning originally. She said no I told you it was at night. And I going to need to you to keep an eye on the baby. I said but her will be sleeping. She said what happens if he wakes up? I said why did you tell me it was ok then to work? I would have just said no to him. She said see you never remember anything of mine. But if it was a game for your son or something for him you would remember. I said I only remember his games because the coach puts it on an app. She said anyway I didn’t say it was ok. I said you said k. She actually said I didn’t say ok, just k. I said what’s the difference? She said k was just acknowledging that you said we are tight on money. Ugh. So I am asking everyone here what do I do. The guy B makes the schedule early in the week. If I cancel that looks bad and he may never ask me to help again which is good money, when I am financially struggling. On the other hand I know this is important to her.
Help!!

Wolf
Overall - this is not how a healthy relationship communicates. It's passive and unclear. The Good News is that you have the ability to clean up your side of the street. The hard news... is that is probably not going to feel the best. She baits you and spews unnecessary venom (built up resentment). My guess is that this will increase on her side... so you will hold fast to your self respect.

I too read it as LH - however next time perhaps ask her what she would like you to do? Or you can confirm that she would prefer you not do the job so you can help with the baby? You can also ask how you can compromise in the morning. Maybe you get up with the baby at 6 and then when the baby lays down for the morning nap - you can go back to bed?

Since you already booked the work - I would suggest finding someone to watch the baby during the test. Even if she protests, or spews venom, she will have the help and it shows that you heard her and can solve the problem.

It doesn't seem you will be able to nice your way out of this one. Do not engage when she puts you down. Do not fight back. Do not make excuses. It's all bait - Ignore it.

Expect countermoves. Expect anger.. but if you can firm on a good communication style with boundaries and mutual respect - you can change the dynamic.


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Man, Wolf, you are in a spot for sure. Based on your posts before that one, I don't think her "k" response was agreement or "permission" (as it were), but as she said, just an acknowledgment of what you'd said. I say this because she does not appear to be a clear communicator and she's manipulative to boot, so it is easy for her to argue that "ok" and "k" are 2 entirely different things when most of us would assume like LH and Valeska that she was agreeing with what you said. I don't necessarily agree with Traveler that consent is an enthusiastic response because that might not be the case either. The way I interpreted her "k" was just a simple dismissive response to end the conversation while not necessarily agreeing with you. Maybe hoping you'd just drop it there? Who knows?

As far as your being at fault if she fails the GRE, well of course, if she fails it, that is on her and you and she both know that, but I suspect, again based on things you have already told about her, that she would absolutely blame it on you and your lack of support (which she called out in the text exchange).

So, what do you do? As others have suggested, find someone to watch the baby while she takes her test to show her that you heard her and are supporting her, but also to allow you to follow through on your work commitment, thus earning you some much-needed income.

Overall, I think, again as others have said, you both really need to learn to communicate better because right now it just seems like a big, messy train wreck.


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Originally Posted by Traveler
I do think you'd earn respect by telling her you love her and are there for her and will ensure she won't fail her GRE due to a miscommunication or interference by baby--whether that means staying home or hiring a sitter for that $175 (so you get future jobs from that guy).
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Ugh either way I lose here.
Crucibles are an opportunity to shine, Wolfman, to show who and what matters to you.



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Thank you everyone for the responses. We don’t have any one to watch the baby. So, I chose to stay home and cancel on the job. I feel this is a 180, since I seem to pick others over her. She was shocked when I said I wasn’t going to go. She actually said to me she feels bad now that I had to cancel the work. I even heard her call the test company about rescheduling or cancelling to get her money back. They wouldn’t allow either. I am starting To learn with her. Learn that when I go against her it’s a big ordeal, if I give her what she wants a lot of times she will back down. It’s like if I tell her to do something or what to do, she absolutely does not like that and will go against it. Not very mature, I know, but I am learning. I appreciate everyone talking to me.


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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She was shocked.. even heard her call the test company about rescheduling or cancelling to get her money back.
You made a 180 putting her first, and then she treated the situation like you two are a team. Good stuff, Wolf! I hope the goodwill leads to some much needed bonding this weekend. My girlfriend—of 5 months(!)—is headed over for the weekend so I’ll be having fun, too.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
It’s like if I tell her to do something or what to do, she absolutely does not like that and will go against it.
I hope the relationship finds the balance point between her getting you to do something, and you telling her what to do. That DB you control you, she controls her.



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Wolfman,
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am starting To learn with her. Learn that when I go against her it’s a big ordeal, if I give her what she wants a lot of times she will back down.
Not a good recipe for the future. That dynamic better change or your relationship is in big trouble.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
It’s like if I tell her to do something or what to do, she absolutely does not like that and will go against it. Not very mature, I know, but I am learning. I appreciate everyone talking to me.
You're learning how she'll react, but what is the take-away? How will that inform your own actions?


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Ok, so maybe it is just me, but what I understand you're saying is that she basically taught you that if you buck her she’s going to create drama and if you give in, she’ll back down and “behave” for lack of a better word. Again maybe it is just me but that sounds terribly immature and doesn’t bode well for your future interactions. It also screams manipulation. Think about that…..y’all disagree so she throws a fit and is nasty to you. You give in so she’s fine, even complicit about how sorry she is you missed work (never acknowledging that you chose to miss). Seems like a situation where you have to spend a lot of time walking on egg shells.


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Wowza. So basically like a toddler throwing a tantrum, if you give her what she wants , she will stop licking and screaming. Basically, you have a 4th child

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Look, the GRE is a big thing. And you WANT her to pursue an education and a career for the sake of your child and your own finances going forward, whether you stay together as a couple or not. So you did the right thing.

As for the future, you BOTH need better communication. You also NEED to find a reliable babysitter ASAP, as there will be other things that come up in the future where a sitter will be essential.

If you tend to forget things she tells you (although I can see how you assumed the test was at 8:00 am!) maybe you need to use a family calendar app so that everything is written down clearly and you don’t have to rely on faulty oral communication and faulty memories.

Also, I see two things she said that would be ideal for addressing in therapy:

First, her comment that she’s not getting enough help. Is that true? What is the division of labor in your home? It can be overwhelming and exhausting to care for a baby and run a home.

Second - and this is a lot harder to address - her mentality that she should be on a pedestal. A year into this unfortunate situation and she’s still clinging to a fairytale image of how life should be? I understand that she wanted to be in a relationship where you both were very much in love when she had this child - I think we all want that. And it’s unfortunate that wasn’t the case. But the word “pedestal” kinda sets me off. Think about it in reverse - what if YOU were demanding that a woman put YOU on a pedestal, bring you your pipe and slippers when you get home from work, objecting that she pays too much attention to her children from a previous marriage that her ex has primary custody of, etc. I think we all could agree that would be boorish behavior.

But some women were brought up as spoiled “princesses” and expect to be treated that way in a relationship without reciprocating. What was her family of origin like? What are her female friends like? Is there no family nearby that can help with the baby?

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