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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She feels my son comes first. She constantly makes it like its my son and I against her and the baby. I am at a loss.
Wolf your life sounds horrible with the baby momma drama. Sounds to me that it's time for a heart to heart talk with your GF. If she can't understand that your son is an important part of your life then you should consider ending the relationship.

I totally agree with LH on this one. Listen, Wolf, I can't speak for anyone but myself, but it just sounds colossally selfish for your gf to NOT see that your children from you first marriage are as important to you as your child with her. As I recall, you have said she's a lot younger than you and maybe that is part of the problem (her age in and of itself, not the difference between your age and hers), but if you're going to play in the adult sandbox, you have to handle adult issues like an adult. It is rare for people your age to NOT have "baggage" (i.e. children) so if she has a problem with your having them, then she needs to find someone who doesn't. Her attitude is a huge red flag to me.

Also, I'm a little confused on why, if you have talked about how her dad is kind of disrespectful toward her, he was the person chosen to "mediate" so that y'all didn't have to leave your home the night you called the cops. Maybe he was the only one available, but it doesn't sound, at least in my interpretation of your posts, that he is super supportive of his daughter.

Further, I'm not saying your gf was right in anything she did. You have a tendency, when you write things out here, to sound like you are trying to get everyone to say that you are right and she is wrong. Now, I will admit, maybe that is just the way I'm interpreting what I'm reading and I'm actually completely off base, but it just strikes me as odd that you seemed to want the police and her dad to take your side (again, NOT saying what she did was right, so I'm not taking a side at all here). Then, you explained how her dad basically told her she was wrong and you were right. That seems like it would just fan the flame and not de-escalate the situation.

Finally, in what is probably the best advice I have ever seen on these boards, Traveler told you to lose "calm down" from your vocabulary. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude, I don't know if you are new to women or what, but telling a woman to "calm down" (or relax or any other version of that phrase) is like throwing gasoline on a grass fire. NOT helpful.

My heart really does go out to you, Wolf, as you seem to really have a lot of stress and strife surrounding you. I pray that you somehow find some peace in all of it and find a solution that works best for all involved.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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You know, I believe your daughter really felt the way she did regarding your GF. You had said your ex was poisoning her regarding that, but she does seem pretty awful in regards to your children

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Wolf, thanks for the context. I don't think you were wrong to call the cops to de-escalate. I've seen enough situations go south. I get that was a traumatic event for her (betrayal) and you (worried about harm to your baby).

You seemed to bounce back and be on an upswing after summer--

Originally Posted by "Wolfman, 6 months ago"
Things with the GF are getting better. I am learning to be patient, that she just wants the best for our baby. Also, realize that she is going through changes hormonally and slack of sleep. I am working on not taking things so personally and just moving forward. The nice thing is to see my GF and my son starting to build a relationship again. They are talking more and joking more. It really makes me so happy.
Originally Posted by "Wolfman, today"
I am always wrong and bad. My mental health is being really affected. She actually said to me yesterday That she is my woman and I should be putting her on a pedastil.
You're putting her flaws on display. We tend to do this when we're ready to give up. What would you need to slow down, remember your dreams of a future, remember why you loved her?

Originally Posted by Wolfman Today
BL I dont want this relationship to fail, I really don't. But I am running out of options. There is literally no talking to her.
Rewind, then. A few days ago kml, Valeska, Dawn, and I suggested doing the "Next right things" by asking her out on a romantic date. Also, staying awake for her quality time.

Valeska made some solid points, e.g. "Would you do that for your son?" (is she an equal). Also, sensing you are near your tipping point, do you need to pull back elsewhere? The goal is balance plus a thing or two as a gift out of love.

You say your mental health is spiraling. Can you talk to an IC before the long weekend?

What will you do to make this long weekend a success? I'm hoping you're setting aside Wolf alone time, Wolf & GF dating time, and GF alone time. "A failure to plan is a plan to fail."

Originally Posted by Wolfman
All I hear is how I betrayed her trust and how dare I call the cops on her. This was last summer and she brings it up every once and a while how I hurt her and how she doesn't trust me. Its amazing that she does not want to see the part she played in all of it. I would like her to just take accountability for her actions once and a while
Wolf, I support calling the cops, but as with your XW and D drop any fantasies she'll ever believe she was wrong and you were right. You can help by processing why you need her to agree on rightness or wrongness. Personally, I'd be curious to hear why she feels calling the police to de-escalate the situation was a betrayal of her trust. Was it the call or what you said to the cops or pulling in her dad? When our feelings are heard without judgment it helps greatly.



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I can’t sleep. A situation came up and want to hear what I should do. A friend from my job has a side job. He asked Tuesday if I could work Friday night with him. I said let me ask my gf if that’s ok. Now 2 months ago, my gf signed up to take a GRE test tomorrow (Friday). I thought she told me it was I. The morning because she asked if I was going to be off that day, which I am. She has to take it online with someone watching her live. So I asked her Tuesday morning through text.
Here is the text conversation with some minor changes just because we are on the board like names and exact job.

Me: The guy B, asked if I could work this friday? I would meet him at the ferry at 5:30 and work till 2am. $175 cash.

Gf: And you’re going to be up in time to help me with Baby? lol

Me: Might be a little tough.

Gf: You should consider that. Considering the help I get is minimal.

Me: I understand, but money is tight.

Gf: k

Then last night right before we are going to bed, she says I know you are supposed to work tomorrow night but I just remembered I have the test tomorrow. I said I know it’s in the morning. She said no it’s at 8pm. I said I could have sworn you told me it was in the morning originally. She said no I told you it was at night. And I going to need to you to keep an eye on the baby. I said but her will be sleeping. She said what happens if he wakes up? I said why did you tell me it was ok then to work? I would have just said no to him. She said see you never remember anything of mine. But if it was a game for your son or something for him you would remember. I said I only remember his games because the coach puts it on an app. She said anyway I didn’t say it was ok. I said you said k. She actually said I didn’t say ok, just k. I said what’s the difference? She said k was just acknowledging that you said we are tight on money. Ugh. So I am asking everyone here what do I do. The guy B makes the schedule early in the week. If I cancel that looks bad and he may never ask me to help again which is good money, when I am financially struggling. On the other hand I know this is important to her.
Help!!


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Wolf, the biggest issue in your life right now is your disintegrating relationship.

Watch the baby while she does the GRE.



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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Me: The guy B, asked if I could work this friday? I would meet him at the ferry at 5:30 and work till 2am. $175 cash.

Gf: And you’re going to be up in time to help me with Baby? lol

Me: Might be a little tough.

Gf: You should consider that. Considering the help I get is minimal.

Me: I understand, but money is tight.

Gf: k
Wolf, my take is you indirectly asked your GF if you could skip watching your son and she can do it for you so you could make extra $$$. Whether or not "k" constitutes consent, she was clearly bitter and angry you wanted to do this.



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I disagree with Traveler. She told you it was ok to work and she needs to stick to her word. If she didn’t want you to work she needs to be direct and tell you. You are not to read into the meaning of “k”. If you want to start having sex again she needs to respect you.


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Consent is an enthusiastic "Yes!" not the absence of no. I disagree with LH's notion that blowing her GRE attempt by holding her to "her word" (unclear if given) after taking this job despite her objections ("I understand, but") will lead to respect or sex. If she fails, it'll be the day she "failed the GRE because of you" and you "were told 'k' so it was her fault she failed." What will that evening of work cost in therapy? What will that do for your chances of reconciling?

I do think you'd earn respect by telling her you love her and are there for her and will ensure she won't fail her GRE due to a miscommunication or interference by baby--whether that means staying home or hiring a sitter for that $175 (so you get future jobs from that guy). I do think you'd earn respect by asking what she means by "Considering the help I get is minimal"--and how to get childcare much closer to a 50/50 shared responsibility outside your day job hours.



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Again any reasonable person understands that “k” is yes. You can certainly make arrangements for both of you to satisfy your commitments. Being a man of word is very attractive to women so simply apologize for the miscommunication and move forward.

Your bigger problem is your GF is manipulative and you never addressed your issues from your first marriage. This IMO needs to be addressed ASAP.


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Both of you bring up great points. I feel like this is one of those tests for me. Am I picking something else over her. LH I agree with that she said “k” and we should stick with that.
Traveler you bring up a great point. If she does let’s say fail, guess who’s fault that will be?? Your truly and I will never hear the end of it. Honestly you are both right. Ugh either way I lose here. I will lose this side job permanently or just another nail in my relationship.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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